What Not To Do

A few years ago I attended a certain school and I was mistaken for one of two things:

• a Japanese girl
• random Asian person , because I was greated with Konnichiwa.

Level of annoyance increasing...

My High School boyfriend, ex boy friend today had knowledge of Japanese and he instantly started talking to me in Japanese and when I announced that I didn't know he was surprised. Hello, I'm a Korean.

Fact 1: And no Korean and Japanese are not the same language it don't even resemble each other.
Fact 2: Asian people refers to South Asian people; Chinese, Japanese and Korean and maybe a few more which I will not mention because I'm not sure. However just because all Asian people usually or generally eat a lot of rice and speaks a language that might sound similiar regardless of it being Chinese, Japanese, Mandarin, Korean or some other local accent too most Westerners this might be true. But usually younger generations of Asians don't understand each others language...

Only exception to fact 2 would the following:

1. the Asian person is bilingual, trilingual or fluent in many languages
2. the Asian person has studied a foreign Asian language in High School or at University level

Current level of annoyance on a scale to 1 - 10 : between 3,5 - 4

Generally most Asian woman are subjected to sexism and objectification what some may label yellow fewer

Fact 1: many older and middle aged man delibrately  seeks a younger Asian woman


Possible explanation: the general view of Asian woman is that they are portrayed as timid and in constant subordination

This is however mostly common among the older male usually Western generation, this could be a prejudice against older Western males just like the more accepted views of Asians...

Level of annoyance currenty : 7-8

Keep this in mind for future reference if you happen to come across a random Asian person. Be aware of that this post only is a reflection of the bloggers personal opinions and experiences despite the fact that many Asians may have experienced the same or possible coincidence that there might be academic sources stating the similar or same thing like this currently annoyed blogger.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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2011

Omma's Pretty

No, this is not the title of a new K-drama although it might be one or become one in the future. According to research and articles it says that beautiful women are more likely to carry daughters. I suppose that could be true since my omma has supposedly given birth to more than 5 daughters but not as many sons (that I know of). But arn't they forgetting something it's actually the male that determines the future child's gender and I will not go into detailed explanations.

In only two days now its New Years Eve and up until now I have always celebrated alone or with my family and this year is sadly no exception. I have also realized that it has become difficult for me to preform one my passions which is baking, but I guess I'lll have more oppertunities now when I will live at home again.

I have voluntered to do the dessert for this Dinner as well and I'm actually planning on making a Lemon Maringue Pie... But I havn't decided if I should allow myself a piece of it or not, it does contain both sugar and carbs...

The recipe I used , a Swedish interpretation of the American classic. Thank good for Internet.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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To Omma

Chinese Astrology

나의 가족

사랑해요 아빠

사랑해요 아빠

A few weeks ago I believed I've seen my Appa in a movie and I had too re-watch it many, many times. I'm almost certain that it was you that I saw, I recognized some things that I think that I still remember about you. But Oppa if it were you why where you crying and why did you look sad? I suppose I'll never know if it really was you... oh, hold on is your Appa a movie star or Korean actor? Well, the answer should be pretty obvious but I will actually let the answer to that question be unanswered and let you believe that he is if that is what you really believe. I know the truth though, maybe I'll tell you one day... until then.. keep guessing.

Once when I was with you and Omma I touched your hair just like a little child, I know it's probably hard to believe that a grown woman in her twenties acts like a small child. Appa, if you only knew how desperatly I want to learn Korean so that I finally could tell you how I feel. I imagine my first words would be:
 사랑해요
아빠 Saranghe Appa which imagine would be similar to a small child's very first words... And of course Appa is the Korean word for Dad and saranghae would be love although it pronouned like saranghaeyo.

I felt you and Omma's hair because I didn't know how I should express myself in a way that you would be able to understand. I desperately wants to learn Korean, even if its hard I'll try my very best too learn, because Oppa there is so much I'd like to tell you. Right now I dont know enough Korean and you can't understand me when I speak. I recall that I wrote something down in a notebook and Omma immediately became interested and wanted to know what I wrote but she must have been disapointed once she realized that I wrote in a foreign language in Roman letters.

The frustration that I felt over the impossability of being understood and being able to understand, 
아빠 Appa 아빠Oppa엄마 Omma, 언니 Onni's and 동생 Dongsaeng's. Honestly even my much younger 조카딸 Jokkadal's  nieces could communicate better.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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To Omma

한글

나의 가족

Pick My Brain

A few days ago Sweden was the centre of attention due to a failed terrorism attack in Stockholm. According to experts there are at least 200 extremists in Sweden.

Is it egoistic to consider or dream of raising children in such an unsafe and unsecure world? How would you define a parent and how to explain the term love? I've sadly never recognized my ethnic belonging as being different than the majority of Swedes. That's the truth it's only recently that I've begun to really contemplete over it. Although I have been reminded of my peculiar yet ordinary looks sometimes even whishing my appearence was different, especially when I was younger.

Only 3 days left of the Gregorian 2010, well 4 if you don't count today. And it's never too late to learn I just learned how to insert clicable links into my blog posts. It was very, very easy.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


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Never

Rejection

나의 가족

My (our) 가족 Gajok family is pretty big although we have been seperated by several thousand miles and somehow I suppose one could say that we never were meant to live side by side in other terms than emotionally. At least I know they're out there and I've meet them so I know I should be content.
My/our family consists of two different families becuase of adoption although I have no legal rights to the family that gave birth to me...

There's Appa and Omma of course several Unnis and Dongsaengs living in one continent far away from me with their 어린이 Jok'attal children and 남편Maehyeong husbands and 동서Dongseo wives.
I also have my other family which consists of mum and dad and a younger brother, my grandmum, my auntie as well as a few cats.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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한글

Friends

Illusion

Historical Evidences

I've decided to take another university course and the only other course besides the Korean language course was Korea's history. Hopefully it will be as interesting as I believe it is. Anyways, I suppose it never can hurt too learn some more... Not that I am confident that I will learn everything about Korea and what it means too a Korean by studying a bit of Korea's modern history. But I guess it can't hurt, right?

One more thing this year and the previous couple of years I have traveled by bus to get home it's a fixed price and its cheaper than the train who isn't that reliable, unfortunately. It was so typical that I happened to get seat next to a young couple where the young girl adjusted her seat soo that I was forced to hold things I had put on top of the table, and I had no room for my legs or the things in my lap.

I wasn't sure but she started talking about something with her boyfriend that went like this:


I'm not going to act as if I recognize her, it's typical and must be that some children are feeling like they have to get attention from everyone because their parent's constantly work. No wonder some people are that selfish.

I suspect she might have been talking about me but I'm not certain it could also have been someone else....
Can you see anything wrong her, who was selfish here me or her? She adjusted her seat to the level that it became really uncomfortable for me and I tried to tell her that she couldn't move the seat any more but did she care!? That really pisses me off, and what really annoys me is that even though it happened 2 days ago I still can't seem to brush it off. Well hopefully I will be able to stop thinking about after having written about that episode.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Rejection It Seems

I've spent a lot of time watching a Korean TV-show called I Missed That Person, which is similar to Swedish shows like Saknad and Spårlöst Försvunnen and after having seen several adoptees reaching out in hopes of finding something or someone that can prove their existance I conclude that as adoptees we all share one unfortunate thing. Namely rejection, by accident or choice the result is still the same.
It also seems like most birth families didn't understand what the consequences would be once they had signed the adoption consent.

Most of the clips were found on youtube and as I soon learned that most of the adoptees came from the US or at least knew English I forced myself too watch clips with French, German and every other clip that I could find regardless of language.

Many adoptees wasn't fortunate enough to find the answers they were looking for, it was at least shown on the show. As I am supposed to be happy and content seeing that I have been reunited and meet my birth family, this is only partially true.

The things I know is that I was born and instantly rejected and placed at an orphanage after a few months I was ultimately adopted too Sweden. What I didn't know back then or until recently was that my birth parents at one point in time regreted their decision to place me up for adoption. Maybe they thought and believed I never would be sent overseas for adoption or be raised at the orphanage at which point it would be possible for my parents to rewrite their wrong.

Since reunion new questions has arised;
When did you realize your mistake ? What made you search for me and how long did it take? When did you understand that I was gone and no longer legally considered your child? Did you never realize or understand that consent for adoption also meant a possibility of getting a new family overseas? Did you ever know that I was sent to be raised in Sweden as someone else's daughter? Was I never meant to recieve your unconditional love? Was I that unworthy ?

Soo you see I would prefer to live on unknowingly about my past but then I remember what the truths meant to me, but the truth does not seem priceless it has a price. Too me that price means I'm forced to learn Korean in order to reclaim my place as the almost daugter and sister. Yet I've realized that I never can establish that natural bond and relationship that exists between siblings or more particularly sisters.

Our upbringings and childhoods was as different to each other that one possibly could imagine. My siblings had to help our parents while I was spending most of my time inside watching TV, painting and what ever else.

Sometimes life isn't fair, when I watch the adoptees calling out the few Korean phrases too get their relatives on stage I instantly tear up. Lastly, I think there might be a difference between those adoptees that has been fortunate enough to find their families too become to demanding almost selfish, expecting too much while the unlucky adoptees still might seem humble surviving on hope and the thought that maybe one day they will be able to if not meet finding the answers that waited for.

I am afterall a reunited adoptee with 10 times more questions, and the answers that I get only seems to be fragments of the truth. I should stop asking all those questions and be content with what I have. I know that, but why then is it so difficult to suppress my burning questions?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Maybe some might say I'm racist, but honestly speaking I can't see myself with a non - Korean. Friends, neighbours , class mates and aquiantances their ethnicity doesn't matter too me. And yes, I know you can't control life or love for that matter...

Instead of focusing too much on being a Korean adoptee maybe I should try to pursue my own happiness... But do I dare too...?

Yes about Christmas now, in Sweden we open our Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve which is today not on 25th Christmas Day...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Santa Claus

I'm completely drained from energy and I must take a break from blogging about adoption. I'm going to keep blogging of course but keep the adoption talk at a minimum until I feel ready to return to it again. Which probably will be in January of 2011 at the earliest.

How many Christmas gifts do you usually give your friends and family in average? Maybe it's a good thing that I wasn't raised in Korea afterall since I probably would have to buy more than 20 Christmas gifts just be fair to everyone in my birth family. Read this partially as ironic and partially as my honest opinion.

About 40 years ago a smaller city decided to create a Christmas goat in straw and strangely enough ever since then the towns people as well as other Swedes always wonder will if it last through Christmas or be put on fire. Which has happened many years... and no, the towns people will not stop building it since it a particular monument not only of that town but also for Christmas...
This year the town decided to employ real security guards and strangely enough someone tried to kidnap the goat by bribing the gaurd, which by the way didn't work at all.

By the way, apparently South Korea is planning another military exercize today...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Increasing Knowledge

I have always wanted to be able to learn anything about Korea like's history, culture or society for one. Of course as I havn't been raised there or been raised by Koreans so naturally I don't know that much.
Yet I find myself having a neverending urge to increase my knowledge so that I may at some point be able to understand it more than I presently do. I wish I could embrace like a warm mother's arms or a parent's neverending love...

I am on my way home now to celebrate Christmas and new years but also to begin a new semester at another university. Hopefully I will still be able to finish and present my thesis as originally planned.

This year Christmas will look a little different for me since I'm still on my LCHF-diet, which means there's a lot of dishes I can't eat. No Christmas porridge, no Jansson's delight, nthing made of sugar or carbohydrates and no root vegetables including potatoes and rice. Incredibly I've managed to keep a diet for six months although I'm not sure if it is a testament for the diet or a proof of my character. In 3 days now it's Christmas!!!!

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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2010/11

Chasing An Illusion Or A Dream

Given what I knew and used too believe about my birth family this  is what I used to idolize;

An arranged marriage , to marry for convenience or logic instead of love.
Or to live in celibacy and too make a self concious choice too never marry, be a spinster or a nun and ultimately feminist. Yes, it is more or less pretty radical I know.

However I can't deny that I desire to find that special someone even if I don't believe in eternal love, kindered spirits or starcrossed love. Secondly I love children, and I can't imagine a future without children but I rather have a father or father figure for my supposed children. But just becuase I think like this it doesn't mean that I will marry and become someone's wife and mother.

Tomorrow I will be going back home for Christmas!!!


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Not Busy

I'm not or no, I havn't been  that busy since 5th December my tutor will be back from Africa and supposedly back in his office today so I haven't been busy for that long.

Let's pretend that I'm not an adoptee from Korea, a minority if you will but instead a part of the majority. Because sometimes I wish I wasn't myself but someone else, the only question is who? Does anybody live an if not perfect at least painfree life? Please forgive me for this but sometimes I wonder what life would have looked like for everyone else if I never had been born...

Anyways, I still have too call and change my name and postal address which I still havn't done although there are some mail and things I could be without there are still mail I'd like to get. Oh, and this week I really must finish cleaning and preparing to stufff unnecessary things away.

Just one more day left, then I hit the road, and three days left for Christmas Eve. I havn't seen a blue sky in days instead the sky has been constantly white and grey from snow. I also heard a rumour that South Korea is planning a military exercize today....


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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2011 Year Of The Rabbit

According to Chinese mythology 2011 will be a very promising year for me compared to 2010 which coincidentally happened to be the year of the tiger. 2011 starts on the 3rd of February and ends in 27 of January the following year.

If I'm lucky enough to meet a potential partner there might be a marriage on the way. But am I really the marrying kind? Anyways a lot of things seems to be resolved and settled and it might become a more calm year. But then again atrology seems to be pretty general and can fit a lot people.. Why? Because it's general of course.

Please not that I'm not attacking your personal opinion or supposed belief in astrology or horoscopes. That is not up to me to judge and it's really up to you weither you choose to believe it or not...

Do you believe in astrology and do you trust horoscops and astrology readings ?

(Born in 1987 year of the rabbit , Chinese, Japanese and Korean)

• Choi Siwon (Super Junior)
• Miuna Saito (Country musume)
• Yuu Kashi , Japanese actresss
• Arisa Takada, Japanese volleyball player
• Han Hyo - Joo ( Korean actress)
• Tsukasa Umesaki, Japanese football player
• Mayuko Iwasa , Japanese entertainer and model
• Tochiōzan Yūichirō, Japanese sumo wrestler
• Nobunari Oda, Japanese figure skater
• Yui, Japanese singer-song writer
• Ding Junhui, Chinese snooker player
• Jiafeng Chen, Chinese violonist
• Anne Suzuki, Japanese actress
• Nana Kitade, Japanese singer
• Lu Lan, Chinese badminton player
• Moon Geun Young, Korean actress
• Akihiro Hayashi, Japanese football player
• Rola Chen, Japanese gravure idol
• Hideya Okamoto, Japanese football player
• Mike Havenhaar, Japanese - Dutch football player
• Masato Morishige, Japanese football plyer
• Seiya Fujita, Japanese football player
• Masami Nagasawa, Japanese actress
• Ryu Deok - Han, Korean actress 
• Nozomi Tsuji, Japanese singer
• Kim Ryeowook, (Super Junior)
• Aoi Teshima, Japanese singer and voice actress
• Lee Min Ho, Korean actor and model
• Hayami Kishimoto, Japanese singer
• Yasuka Saitou, Japanese actor
• Shigeaki Kato, Japanese singer News
• Junya Koga, Japanese swimmer
• Kim Hyung Jun, Korean singer, dancer, D.J,model (SS501)
•  Kim Kibum, (Super Junior)
• Lui  Yifei, Chinese actress
• Yasuhito Morishima, Japanese football player
• Marie Wada, Japanese football player
• Nanae Takiwaza, Japanese football player
• Ami Tokito , Japanese singer and actress
• Hiroki Aiba, Japanese actor
• Eri Murakawa, Japanese actress
• Atomu Tanaka, Japanese football player
• Aya Hirano, Japanese voice actress and singer
• Yi Jianlian, Chinese basketball player
• Mokoto Ogawa, Japanese singer
• Yuya Tegoshi, (Japanese News, Tegomass)
• Lao Lishi, Chinese diver
• Yosuke Kashiwagi, Japanese football player
• Miki Ando, Japanese figure skater
• Ayaki, Japanese singer
• Michihiro Yasuda, Japanese football player
• Thelma Aoyama, Japanese singer
• Lee Yeon Hee, Korean actress

Other ethnic groups

• Kerli Kõiv, Estonian singer
• Kathrin Freudelsperger, Austrian figure skater
• Carolina Kostner, Italian figure skater
• Anna Cappellini, Italian figure skater
• Ashley Greene, American actress
• Ellen Page, American actress
• Kesha, American singer
• Geffroey Varner, American figure skater
• Hanna Taylor - Gordon, British actress
• Bow Wow, American rapper
• Tui Kuik, Estonian mode
• Emilia Attias, Argentinian model
• Sarah Gadon, Candian actress
• Royston Drenthe (Real Madrid player)
• Courtland Mead, American actor
• Maria Sharapova, Russian tennis player
• Darren McFadden, American football player
• Pierre Rainer Stefano Casiraghi, Prince of Monaco
• Evan Rachel Woods, American actress and singer
• Tyler Hoechlin, American actor
• Tom Felton, British actr
• Matthew Connolly, English footballer
• Withney Thompson, Americas next top model cycle 10
• Hilary Duff, American actress and singer
• Chloë Hanslip, British violonist
• Zac Efron, American actor
• Freja Beha Erichsen, Danish model
• Gemma Ward, British actress
• Kevin Jonas, American singer
• Kat DeLuna, American singer
• Aaron Carter, American singer
• Lauren Drumond, English actress

Not living  

• Luc Bourdon, Canadian Ice hockey player

Please note that this particular post orginally was published yesterday on the 18th of December 2010...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Chinese Astrology

Emptiness

I feel totally empty, my brain is on overload since obsorving so much data , statistics and information about international adoption and Korea. I need a break from it, my thesis, the adoption thing and maybe even Korea. Sometimes, not often though I feel like I would like to crawl out of my Asian and Korean skin and disappear into something else. I wonder how likely it is for me to take a break from it all since my thesis about international adoption in Korea.....

It's gonna be Christmas soon and next year I'll be freaking 25!!??

I havn't heard any more news about the situation or conflict in Korea so maybe it's not going to escalate in 2010 although the year isn't over before 2nd February...

The other day one of my friends told me that my ordinary expression can for people who don't know me can be interpreted as confussion. Furthermore that my ordinary everyday face doesn't portray the feelings that I might be feeling. Of course hearing that for the first time made me feel a bit shocked too say the least, but actually I decided to put on a sheild since teenage years and it now looks like I succeeded. And no, I will not change this because it's taken me over 10 yars to polish this skill and secondly it is a protection mechanism. I find it is better to try too have blank face until you start talking that is. I won't go into how many people that has disappointed me over the years but yes they are a few...

I don't expect very many to understand this, maybe only adoptees that has a recorded birth family or adoptees who have gone through some kind of reunion can relate to this...


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Alumn, Me?

Well, not yet I still have to finish this semester and than I have at least one year of studies left. The only question is where I will be alumn at the newest and most disappointing university in Sweden or in one of Sweden's oldest.

I will tell definitely you were you should not apply and by the way, it only concerns one education program which happens to accept a larger part of all exchange students. If you're clever you should already know which Swedish university it is. I'll say no more for now.

Last night I started watching a new Swedish show called Crime of the Week or Veckans brott it's a documentary series about big crimes and police work in Sweden over the years. I do know that Korea is a supposedly safe and secure nation were not many crimes appear could be the Confucian beliefs and/or the fact that people don't report crimes... I will leave that unsaid since I'm unable to confirm that theory. The other thing I know is that Korea of course have a police force.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Ignoring It

I'm not finished with my thesis yet but I already think that I will become tired of the international adoption concept and maybe especially Korean inter country adoption, who ironically enabled me to get a life in Sweden. I'm tired of me and my life, this blog society and the world.

Yesterday was the first day I went out, I havn't stepped outside my door for like a week and it's been 10 days or so since I was outside. I know that's crazy, I don't want to be a hermit, or that crazy cat lady who's really strange. But what to do when you feel down the weather... ?

And just an insignificant note,
I'm not in a really good mood today I feel like I hate anything, everything and anyone. I think I'm aloud too yet I recognize that regardless of gender, ethnic belonging or age we all have our own challenges, troubles and potential conflicts and traumas to deal with it and I believe all people are stigmatized one way or another. In that sense one might say that life is fair afterall.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Blame The Race

I suppose it would be easy for me to hide behind my ethnicity, if I wanted to.
I could blame people for being racist which I will not do.
When someone accuses me of treating them badly or something I could easily blurt out that it's all because of my ethnic belonging. And what's with this racism talk in Sweden? Ever heard of self - distance please let me keep my candy as they are. They're only candy, at least if you ask me. Don't take yourself so seriously I'm an adopted Korean I like sushi, and my favorite candy is Kina puffar and Geisha. I actually enjoyed watching Oumi for a change, and also the ice cream Nogger Black, please. Too me some people are just so sensitive, generally and statistically speaking that is.

No I will not blame the race, I'm Korean by ethnicity and DNA but my values, upbringing, family, traditions, friends and life style are mostly Swedish. I was raised in Sweden since 2 months old, my native language is naturally Swedish my behaviour is supposedly Western. Yet I'm proud of my Korean heritage but my heritage does not dictate that I constantly should blurt it out, neither will I celebrate Korean holidays because I'm in Sweden. But if or when I return to Korea I would like to try seaweed soup which I suppose I only can have on my birthday or after childbirth... Hopefully I will be able to one day enjoy the Chuseok holiday in Korea. Allright, I have a costum made Hanbok and also Korean wedding ducks which I recieved in Korea so all I need is a Korean boyfriend with husband potential... Because Koreans only marry once....

Hopefully you understand the level of my irony in this post, this post is not to be read as a personal add.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Chinese Astrology ; Tiger

2010 is the year of the tiger and 2011 will be the year of the rabbit. Lunar The Chinese New Year for 2010 will be in February 2nd.. 2011....What year are you born in and what Chinese sign are you?

Born in tiger (Japanese, Chinese and Koreans only)

• Miwa Asao, Japanese beach volleyball player
• U-KNOW (TVXQ, Korean singer)
• Yui Ichikawa, Japanese actress
• Kazuya Kamenashi, Japanese singer and actress
• Princess Tsuguko of Takamado, member of Japanese Imperial family
• Daisuke Takahashi, Japanese figure skater 
• Yurika Nakamura, Japanese long-distance runner 
• Eunhyuk (Korean Superjunior)
• Erika Sajiwari , Japanese actress
• Shinji Okazaki, Japanese football plyer
• Juri Ueno, Japanese actress
• Mickey , (Korean TVXQ)
• Kim Hyung Joon, (Korean singerSS501)
• Keisuke Honda, Japanese football player
• Momoko Ueda, Japanese golfer
• Shusaku Nishikawa, Japanese football player
• Lee Ho-Suk, ( Korean short-track skater )
• Dana ( Korean singer/actress/dancer TSZX)
• Kaori Fukahara, Japanese voice actress
• Yu Darvish, Japanese football player
• Ai Takahashi, Japanese singer
• Lee Donghae (Korean singer Superjunior)
• BoA, (Korean singer) 
• Satomi Ishihara, Japanese actress
• Riyo Mori, Japanese Miss Universe 2007
• Mew Azama, Japanese actress
• Kim Ok-Bin , (South Korean model and model)
• Xiah, (Korean singer)
• Zhang Lin, Chinese swimmer
• Saori Goto, Japanese voice actress 
• Mao Inoue, Japanese actress
• Wu Jingye, Japanese taekwondo practioner 
• Choi Siwon, (Korean singer and actress Super Junior)
• Miuna Saito, Japanese idol Country musume 
• Yuu Kashii, Japanese actress 
• Arisa Takada, Japanese volleyball player 
• Han Hyo Joo, (Korean actress)
• Tsukasa Umesaki , Japanese football player
• Mayuki Iwasa, Japanese entertainer and model

Other nationalities:

• Claudia Cruz, Domenican model
• Maria Mena; Norwegian singer 
• Björn Gustafsson, Swedish comedi
• Charlotte Church , Welsh soprano
• Prince Amedeo,  Archduke of Austria - Este
• Justin Berfield, American actor 
• Lady GaGa, American singer song -writer 
• Sergio Ramos, Spanish footballer 
• Amanda Bynes, American actress 
• Coleen Rooney, English model 
• Felix Hernandez, Venezuelian baseball player
• Leighton Meester, American actress
• Emily VanCamp, Canadian actress
• Alexander Rybak, Norwegian singer 
• Robert Pattison, English actor, singer, model  
• Megan Fox, American actress
• Jaslene Gonzalez, Puerto Rican/American model 
• Rafael Nadal, Spanish tennis player
• Shia LaBeouf, American actor 
• Mary - Kate and Ashley Olsen, American actresses
• Lindsay Lohan, American actress and singer
• Givanildo Vieira de Souza , Brazilian footballer
• Prince Louis of Luxemborg , Prince of Luxembourg
• Usain Bolt, Jamaican sprinter
• Mario, R &B singer and actor 
• Emmy Rossum, American actress and singer
• Meryl Davis, American figure skater
• Lauren Storm, American actress
• Kristin Cavalleri , American reality star
• Jake Epstein, Canadian actor
  

Deceased people

• Minoru Yamasaki
• Shigechiyo Izumi
• Yukiko Okada

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Chuseok

Fathers Day

Snow White

In pre school the whole class was supposed to preform Snow White and I remember that my classmates instantly started to talk about who should get to play Snow White. Someone did suggest that I should be selected as Snow White since I was the only girl with dark hair. But then someone else protested by stating the obvious; my skin wasn't white so I shouldn't be given the part as Snow White since my skin wasn't white as snow it it was olive. It just happened to be that there was another girl in class that did have skin as white as snow and everyone decided to choose her instead of me. The teacher asked me if that was allright, that someone else got to portray Snow White and to be honest I was relieved that I wasn't choosen. I decided to pick the part of a bunny instead and my mum made me the cutest little bunny suite you ever could imagine. It was a white fur like overall and a hood with big bunny ears. No one else in class had a suite that looked like mine, I was very proud of it it even had that little bunny tail.

Today we celebrate Lucia who originally is said to have come from Spain or Italy, girls dress up in white dresses with candles in their hair. They sing Christmas carols and come with ginger bread and saffron buns. Every town has a an election process where you can nominate your candidate. And one girl from each constituency is selected by votes into the national Lucia train. There are a total of 13 candidates which all have a chance to get to be Lucia. Usually the part is given to blonde girl even though Lucia supposedly wasn't blonde. A few years ago a boy entered the Lucia selection which upset the school. It would have been allright but as the usual Lucia nominees tends to favour blonde girls I don't believe we are quite there yet. If Sweden isn't ready for an immigrant or foreign Lucia then why should it be ready for a male Lucia?
I'm not talking about a Muslim Lucia but ethnic diversity.

Do you believe traditions should be kept as they always has or should traditions change according too society?

I proudly celebrate Swedish traditions like Midsummer, May 1st and all that, I was afterall raised in Sweden so I suppose you can't expect me to celebrate Asian holidays or traditions. Because to me that would make me feel totally misplaced, because I don't know any Asian holidays or no, I know of some them but I dont't know why you celebrate them. Let me celebrate my Swedish traditions with family and friends. (My family is Swedish and so are most of my friends). When in Rome do as the Romans do comes to mind...


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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My Friends

I might be an adopted Korean Swede but if you where to look at my friends they don't reflect this at all. I have one friend that is an international adoptee like me, we're also similar in other ays too. Then I have another friend who isn't adopted but more European than me.When I started grade school and pre-school all my friends and classmates were Swedish except for one. My childhood friends too were only Swedish except for one who happened to be a Swedish Korean adoptee who only was 10 days older than I.

Is it Swedish Korean adoptee or Korean Swedish adoptee ... ?

Now when I'm soon going to move I have to make my friendship last for longer than just a few months or a year. It's only ten more days left before I leave for Christmas, finally I thought this day would never come.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Immigrant Not Foreigner

To me there's a big difference between an immigrant and a foreigner, especially if you know that I have lived in Sweden for minus 2 months of my entire life. To call me a foreigner implies that I'm an unkowing person who recently arrived to Sweden and who might not know any Swedish at all.
I prefer to be called immigrant over foreigner any day, but of course there are exceptions...

The snow has not left Sweden and its beyond cold these days. And I havn't been working any more on my thesis instead I listen to spotify and watch TV (besides sleeping and eating and such). The reason why I hasn't worked anymore on my thesis is that my tutor for one asked to edit my text which I did and conveniently enough he left for Africa the next day. So it's beyond my control, it's not like I can board a plane to Africa and hunt him down. That would be really weird.

When I tell people that I have not only been back to Korea, my mother land they seem excited and want to know basically anything and everything. Once they realize that I have been lucky enough to be reunited with my birth family they think it sounds amazing and want to know even more. But adoptees, might get a bit jelaous once they know that but as a consolation let me tell you that the journey hasn't ended despite my happy ending. A new chapter i my life hasstarted where life can be described as being a circus ballerina walking on a thin line.... I still cry, the tears never seem to end but I'm happy...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Sometimes I return to the big question if, even if I know the reason.... maybe I never will be content with the answers I've recieved so far. I also know I shouldn't demand to get to know more , because the one person that might know more can't be found. Simple as that. Allright, one more person might be able to give me answers but too ask that person would be really cruel of me.

Always chasing after something better to replace it with, I know I probably never will know more than I do today yet my chase will never end...

Why is that I sometimes feel like I dislike the most important people to me, while I generally, realistically and logically often times thinks they're the most wonderful people in the world. It's even worse if they happen to be innocent, which they oftentimes are... And that I somehow seem to display feelings of affection for people I can't say I can agree with only partially sympathise with? Sure beats me.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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According to some statistical finding argued for in a dissertation I'm likely to become a single mother since I'm supposed to be traumatized and both emotionally and psychologicaly challenged... I'm not trying to underestimate the social stigma that international adoptees may have encountered or heard of at some point... It's harder for some than others but too generalize that much, that goes beyond my understanding.

But I'm strong and stubborn and I will dictate my own future, I refuse to become part of the general findings just because I'm supposed to...

Looks like I'll be writing my thesis in my current University afterall, it doesn't really matter where I write it as long as I can write about my intial problem and area and get a Bachelor degree.

Do you sometimes get influenced by your friends and family in a negative way even though you may love and care about them? I mean that you might  find yourself obsessing with your friend...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Storybook Heroes

• Pippi Longstocking (Swedish)
• Katitizi (Swedish)
• Heidi (Swiss or Austrian)
• Anne of Green Gables
• Kulla - Gulla (Swedish)
• Scarlett O'Hara

I'd like to add fictional Korean female heroines too but sadly I don't know any

Some real life heroines (Korean) :

• Empresss Chun Chu
• Princess Hun Jung
• Queen Seonduk of Silla
• Jang Guem

Talk about suspected dedication or a possible hangover maybe, I went to the University library and someone was apparently sleeping by the computor...

How far are you willing to go for something you really believe in? Do you believe it would be possible for someone too have two or more different roles e.g (professional and private). So you behave differently depending on different people?

Oh, about Nobel dinner Princess Madeleine will not be attending this year since she' supposedly occupied with work in the US...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Is a South Korean island closer to North Korea than South Korea. It recently became cought in the fire between North and South Korea. Now South Korea is threatening North Korea that it might attack...

My tutor is of on a trip and I suspect the destination is South Africa, figure that. Cool, when it snows which it does every single day let's head off to warmer weather; like in South Africa. Never mind the students that might need my help, tutoring is not something they need since they made it to Bachelor level they should be able to handle a lot themeselves.

And no, obviously I'm not ironic.... duh...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Conspiracies Always Conspiracies

It's true I do believe in conspiracies..
It doesn't matter if they only exist in my head...
This almost never fails, it doesn't matter who it is or what it is about.
Let's say an issue or topic is percieved as A while I believe it would be B although it really is C...

Adoption, immigration, ethnicity,culture, stigmatized, prejudice...

Oh, yeah the Nobel Dinner, Ceremony and Party will be starting today with the big dinner and aword  ceremony on Friday.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Has it really happened , are we supposed to see a second
Korean war 60 years after it's ending....
Or is it just the normal drill? I wonder what the US will do now and how North Korea will respond....
I really hope it will not develop into a second War , I fear the consequences would be major...
Maybe I have North Korean relatives in my family tree, it's a possibility but one I'll never know weither or not this relates to me by and through my birth family...

I've discovered over 30 thesisis about adoption only in Sweden which is interesting yet many of them are in Swedish but mine will not be in my native language but English since it is the languge of instruction in my program... And it looks like I will write my Bachelor thesis right where I am now.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Here's my agenda until next year which isn't that far away...

• making Christmas preparations believe it or not
• preparing my move which will be in 1 month time
• working on my thesis

As for my thesis is seems like I'd have too make a choice between writing a thesis about a personally important topic with a tutor that I can't say I prefer or be stubborn and proud and apply to another university to do my Bachelor thesis there but with chance of having to either choose a new thesis subject or rewrite the whole thing and maybe even having to retake the entire semester but with an almost ensured better tutor.

On the conditionality that I'm accepted on to the Bachelor course that is...

I know I promised to tell you the truth about my university experience in Sweden but you'll have to wait until the 20th January for that

The other day I tried to book tickets to go home on the computor but apparently my new name isn't registered in those systems since a personal name apparently can't be as long as mine. But I refuse to change it for a fourth time, I've waited almost 4 months for it and my new name is worth 1000 SEK.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Pop Goes Korea

It's true I'm smitten by Halluya , and anther interesting and in my opinion lovely book is Pop goes Korea and I'm having a new personal goal; to collect as many books that I possibly can about North and South Korea, the Korean War, Korean inter country adoption and international adoption.
Unrealistic and impossible maybe ... does it seem peculiar or odd to you?

Honestly speaking I'm more interested in North and South Korea and especially the Korean war than I am about adoption.

About the picture it was taken by me, which means I own the book as well as this picture.

I have also decided to start writing my thesis despite the fact that my tutor and I don't get along that well... I've already successfully completed 28 pages ( 3 pages of references though) so in reality it means I've written 25 pages of text and 15 pages is left. 30 - 40 pages is the accepted lenght of a Bachelor thesis and I still havn't started on the analysis so I might be able to present my thesis here after all.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Be up for more than 24 hours without sleep
Sleep an entire day
Sleep in the day and get up in the night
Organize my closet
Clean and tidy up
Listen to music
Practice Hangul
Read a book for an entire day

Something is keeping me up in the night until late, could be the weather but I'm surprisingly extremely tired.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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All of the pictures were taken by me on my first trip to Korea.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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No Facebook

No facebook
No Skype
No miniroom
No cyworld
No cell phone number

Do I even exist... ?

Should I be worried that the Korean course might be cancelled after all since you apparently can apply to take it as a late comer. I should have trusted my gut feeling and picked the Master Program in Asian studies instead of what I'm currently studying. That is only 120 credits while my current education is 160 credits, but maybe it isn't too late I guess I still could choose that Master Program in Asian studies should I wish too after I've successfully completed one year of studies in the Korean language.

♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I know I should try to work on my thesis by now but I can't instead it seems I'm only wasting time.
Time I could have put on my thesis I now use for knitting,reading and art.
Quite convinient if it wasn't for the fact that I feel really stressed.
I'd like to finish my thesis before 2015 or at least before I'm thirty....
Seriously would it be too much too ask!?

I am counting the days until I leave this goodforsaken place forever and even though you might think that I will be presenting thesis in the same University it seems it might not be so... I know that if I decide to dl my thesis at another University I will for sure lose my place at my program and honestly speaking that is not such an awful thing! As long as I get a University degree from somewhere I don't really care where it comes from. I am really not willing to write my thesis at my current University with my supposed tutor or another one. I don't want them to get credit for me thesis or more importantly money for my education and thesis. Period.

I have found Korean songs on spotify so yes I'm now a subscriber of¨it, but I did sign up for spotify without knowing if there were any Korean songs at spotify at all. I should have made someone look for them before signing up, silly I know.

♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Father's Day And Parent Day

In Sweden we have two separate holidays for our parents: dad in November and mum in May. Koreans are clever they have one shared  holiday for both mum and dad in May. I also think Parent Day takes place on the same day as the Children's Day and Youth Day (not sure if the last one exists)...

Today we celebrate First Advent in Sweden and I have put up a new electric candle in my window and also bouth edamer chesee which you only can find in Sweden during the Christmas season. It was really, really cold today when I went into town and all the shops is preparing for Christmas by putting out Christmas decorations...

I'm afraid I will forget how to use chopsticks not that I think I use them correctly but still... So today I decided to practice which wasn't really hard but I stilll can't eat cake with chopsticks. Oh, yeah I've ordered the literature for my Korean course already and I also found a book about Korean slang believe it or not. How am I supposed to write Korean on my computer ? Is it even possible ? If I use a dictonary I can write real hangul in suspected incorrect Korean grammar, my dictionary is an English Korean one. I used to own three but I left two behind in Korea with someone who will have much more use of it than I.

♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I will never be fully accepted as a Swede or a Korean no matter what I do.
I'm most likely to be accepted as a KAD in most parts of the world, but not everywhere.
When I learned that Korean adoptees would be able to apply for joint Korean citizenship it seemed like a nice oppertunity. But now I'm not sure I don't think I will since I never will be accepted as a fellow Korean in Korea no matter what official laws might say. I'm doomed to live in lonelines in constant limbo.

I'm not sure what I prefer someone who regards me as a foreigner for a change or someone who thinks of me as a Swede based on my behaviour...


♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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All of the above (pictures)  was taken by me earlier this year.

♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I can't really say that I know my birth family, not really... Despite having known about them my entire life and having had contact with them since over 5 years. I have also meet them and spent time with them. I know who they are without knowing much about them as people with different personalities.
With this I conclude that Koreans are a very private people who keeps a lot of things in secrecy hidden from knowledge. Even though I was adopted through inter country adoption as an infant they could have given up children for adoption before me. If there are someone with similar records or the same birth parents I would never know that. I will never know if I have older birth siblings that also has been adopted. They have family secrets that you don't discuss or acknowledge whatsoever. This is just pure facts not intended as anything else than that.

If there'a strong determination even impossible things can become possible, if there's a will there's always a way...

But in this case I do believe it would almost impossible because it seems similar to finding a needle in a haystack there's simply too many inter country adoptions and inclusive social studies, false records and much else...

♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Shopping In Korea

One of the activites that I experienced while in Korea was shopping and it was nothing like shopping in Sweden, Europe or a Western country. First of all there was the smell from spicy food and then it was the fact that you could negotiate about the price and lastly that you were able to buy things you otherwise wouldn't be allowed to buy, just because you were a foreigner. It's almost impossible to shop in Korea unless you don't know Korean, but I suppose the language of money is a universal language.

Also things that used to say made in Korea now say made in China, Taiwan or the Philippines. Oh, yeah winter is back it is heavy snow outside the landscape is all white.

♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
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Who can really understand me? What's my destiny? Am I supposed to walk along a lonely road or find comfort in another human being... It seems to me that not many people understands me, so am I destined to find love in another adoptee, KAD or maybe even Korean...

Not that it really matters,nobody cares but I don't know any male KADs in my age so you can all relax.

How can I know for sure that my birth parents hadn't become parents to more children than I and my birth siblings? Can I really know for sure that they only gave me up for adoption... What if they did give up one of my suppposedly older brothers or sisters for adoption? What if I would be related to a fellow KAD without knowing ... And then what if I was to fall in love and maybe even marry and start a family... How am I spposed to know...

The likelihood of this isn't very likely but there is still a chance that it could happen.... Should I then request a DNA-test in case this were to happen? I could have an older brother or sister in the US, France, Netherlands, Germany, Australia, Norway, Denmark or maybe even Korea...

Too live with these big questions and knowing that I never will know the answers I would require makes me question if it would be worth to risk all that I already know just to accidentally fall in love first of all. With this many uncertainties there isn't many people that I really trust. And how then am I supposed to risk it all on one person... Love is not a loyal feeling, it can change. To put my life and happiness in someone else's hands seems too be too uncertain.

I almost forgot, just too add salt too more injury I don't know my real birthday but I do have one official birthday.

♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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If I Iook at tendencies in my birth family...

There's a possibility that I would have even more older birth siblings.
Maybe one more brother or one more older sister.
Oh brother where arthough
My older siblings would be anywhere from 39, 38,37, 35,34,32,31, 29,28 and 26
The possibility of me having more older siblings that I don't know about is very likely...
The possibilty of me having younger siblings seems to be outruled...
My parents could have had more children than those I know about ....
They could have given up more children for adoption not just me....
My mum and dad could have had given birth to stillborn children, sick or weak children and experienced miscarriges. Of that I will never be certain...But honestly who let's their children know if they've experienced a miscarrige or two...

♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I will probably never fall in love....
I will never ever get married
I will almost certainly not have children...

♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Are you interested in University studies in Sweden?
So was I once and now I will tell you about 3 of the four available choices that I strongly advice that you choose because you don't want to be in my position... Trust me on this even if you don't should trust a stranger just based on my word.

1. The University in Gotenborg
2. Stockholm's University
3. The University in Uppsala

And yes, obviously there are more Swedish Universities to apply to if you prefer Sweden... But I'm talking about the three best choices which I should have considered before the one I choose in the end. At least I  have enjoyed an independent life for 5 years. Once I move back home in January I will tell you where and what I studied. But at the moment you'll just have to accept this...

♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I'm Korean. Not Korean Swedish. More Swedish than Korean. Not really Korean and not really a Swede. More of an immigrant but also more close to a Swede. I'm also Korean without being Korean. In Korea I'm a Swede more than a Korean. In Sweden I'm neither a Swede or a Korean. An immigrant with knowledge only of Sweden. So what does that make me?

Immigrant I'll say although some would say I'm Swedish.
Everyone that's born in a foreign country is considered to be immigrants as well as their children.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


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Even though I do know more about events leading to my adoption, I far from know the entire story.
I only have small fragments and there are many more unanswered questions than what it is in terms of answers and explanations. Usually I'm not a person that easilly accepts that , getting no answers but in this case it seems like I have to make do with what I got. And I´m pretty happy with the knowledge of having two families which might not seem like that common but is exactly how I see it. But than again I've always known about my other family, my first family which would my Korean birth family.

♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Since I will be moving back home and changing universities I am trying to find a way to write my thesis closer to home. Turns out it seems like an impossible task.

♥ 챠금은안녕.Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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My most loyal companion that never betrayes me is  someone who is always there. I can't seem to make it go away. Sometimes I almost forget, almost which means it is still there... It is now such a big part of me I sometimes forget that it isn't a part of me as a person. Its name is anexity... Maybe now you get the picture...

♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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The G20 meeting in Seoul would probably mean that there would be no inter country adoptions from Korea during this time... Not that I can be sure.
The aim of the meeting was for the attendants and delegates to possibly try to find a common ground for the international economy. (If I'm not totally mistaken).
Now it seems like a few states are objecting, and the US and China seems to be the ones with the strongest differing objectives. The outcome of the meeting might not end up meeting the hoped goal...

♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


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I shouldn't have applied for studies at this University, or at least not the program or subject I had to choose.
It's the University from hell, it's a nightmare. Well not really. But they're heavily understaffed. Need I say more? My thesis is in serious jeopardy, for real.

♥챠금은안녕.Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Written by Barbara Demick, I've already scanned through it and it's really interesting (at least too me). It's what I read apart from course literature and other study related things. I really can recoomend the bokk and now I also have another interest area; North Korea. So now I'm not only interested in South Korea and adoption but also North Korea.

Being an international adoptee is of course a constant struggle (for some) but I don't think any (Korean) adoptee has been spared from similar experiences... Yet I don't think you can compare growing up as KAD with a life and future in North Korea.... To me it seems like two bad things, period.

♥ 챠금은안녕.Bye for now.♥


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Facts

I am an immigrant. I was not born in Sweden, my ethnicity is not Swedish.
I don't have blue eyes and blond hair, (not that all Swedes have that).
If I ever have children some day in the future, they will also be immigrants because of me.
The third generation will not be immigrants but considered ethnic Swedes, sort of or something.
If my supposed future children decided to have children with Swedes that is...


♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I'm so naïve at times it hurts too even think about... Would Omma and Appa really care if I wrote them or made them gifts occassionally ? Now I'm in doubt...
Does it really matter? Do they even care? What about my siblings, my older sisters and brothers... Will they remember me, tell their future children about me? Will I be forgotten in a few decades ? What traces are there left of me then?

♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I was born in a larger Korean hospital in Seoul.
They later told my mother I was stillborn.
My birth parents are still married.
They already had children before me and I'm not the youngest child.


The only reason why I say this is because I've realized that my story is far from unique.

I used to believe that I was an expection from the general rule but now it seems like it isn't so.
That I was right from the start, it is far more common than you think if you're adopted from South Korea...

♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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