Saturday, 20 December 2014


My aura and soul was born through my mother's tears and pain. Her soul gave birth to me a daughter that she never could call hers. Because of this my mother's aura must be pure. White as snow and innocent. I do not blame her in any way, I can hold nothing against her. She gave me life, I am a part of her.

I am searching for the thing I lost, my social heritage that I lost because I was adopted... My biological heritage does no longer match my social heritage. That is my biggest sorrow but it is not something that I can regret because I had nothing to do with it. I was just born by a mother that never was to be my mum.

Who is to blame for my soul's trauma... Because it is traumatic for a newborn infant or animal to be separated from it's mother to soon after birth.... That's why experts does not recommend you to buya kitten that's younger than 12 weeks or 8 weeks for a puppy. Removing it too soon from it's mother will most likely disturb the animals natural development not to mention the anti bodies it will lack and lose because of not being able to feed from it's mother.

Why are not children treated with the same respect?

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Born to Die

천국에서도 당신은 나의어머니입니다.

어머니, 천국에서도 나를 알아봐 주세요.

다음 생에도어머니는제되어주시겠어요 ?

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

선생님 My Brother

Have I told you about my brother... I can't recall that I have. My brother 남동생 or 오빠, hierarcial and there are two different terms for brother, which depends on the gender females calls older brother one thing and another if they're younger brothers. Same goes for brothers- older brothers have one name and younger brothers another. The same word used by a younger sister for her older brother has also been used as term of enderment between couples- the girlfriend calls her boyfriend this. Sometimes a woman may use this for her older male friends as well.

Exactly what I call my brother, that is up for you to determine or guess. I can tell you that my brother has been studying to become a teacher 선생님 and the subject he'll be teaching is history 역사. At first he had his heart set on becoming a doctor, for some reason his grades weren't high enough so instead he decided to pursue a teaching carrier. Next after a carrier in medicine the teaching profession in Korea still carries a lot of status. 

Which isn't the same in Sweden or Europe where I'm from. Fact is that a teacher in Sweden is among the lowest valued profession one could choose. Teachers and doctors are expected to a future of low incomes, long hours of work regular or constant overtime. Despite the fact that both of them are needed professions for society to function the salary doesn't reflect this.

I also believe that my birth parents wanted my brother to pursue a carrier in medicine because it has high status and a very nice salary. A doctor has the highest status overall. But if all Korean students entered into medicine society would not function since other professions would size to exist.

I am proud of my brother for wanting to become a teacher, I want him to be happy. I love my brother, just as I do love my sisters and my father and mother.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Embrace Life

Life's not a coincidence, embrace your life. Really embrace it, since you are here on earth. You were meant to be. Meant to be alive. Remember that life's no accident everything happens for a reason. You are a winner , winner of life. Celebrate it, cheerish it enjoy your life.

 Happiness starts from within if you're not happy with yourself you will never be happy with someone else. You can't love anyone else if you don't learn to love, respect, honor and accept yourself. It may not be easy and easier said then done... But if there's life there's always hope.

Initally this post was written in the light of the Sewol tragedy in Korea, yet almost two months ago another disaster struck the international community the crash of MH17 months after Malyasia's MH370 disappeared... I will not mention the politics behind the MH17 crash. This is not the proper place to do so and it also feels to soon to do so....

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Lost Lives

The sudden ferry accident outside Jindo where 80 % of the passengers were High School students from Anam , Hanwon High School is indeed a tragic loss. I do believe it could have been prevented.. I honestly do.

Korea is a very competitive society were the collective good comes before individual needs. This means the Korean mentality basically says that showing emotion in public is not socially accepteed.
"Only small children cries" instead of talking openbly about their feelings, emotions and reactions to things they don't mention it at all.

With more over 200 missing or dead teenagers there is a fear that the suicide rate will increase, because it is a parents worst nightmare to survive while they loss their children instead.

The 22year old female part time worker who refused to leave and save herself, who tried to rescue as many as she could, the engaged 20s couple who tried to look for more or the middleaged teacher who wanted to try to rescue and save his students.There were many brave teenagers onboard the Sewol ferry, the Choi boy who made the 911call, the part time worker, the engaged couple, or the boy who gave away his lifejacket to a friend and the teenage couple who died tied together... And the brave civilians that stepped in and helped to rescue some, some who even lost their own lives...

Will this nightmare mean that Korea has to change their view on healthcare ? Nobody did approch the assigned Health Care workers at the Jindo gymnasium. Many parents have mentioned not wanting to live...

If it would have been a ferry with 80% adult passengers instead of High School students would the captain have acted differently would the expected death toll not have been as high.. !? Who knows.
I can't imagine how this feels, but I feel the collective grief. Experts talk about a collective depression yet depression isn't a common word in the Korean vocabulary. Depression 불경기 (bulyeongki) while suicide is 자살 jasal (chasal) and the incident has already claimed it's first victim by suicide, the vice principal of the Anwon High School in Anam.

(I will not write about the president or crew members of the Sewol ferry -this is not the time. I will find another place to write about the crew and suspected wrongdoing and criminal act..)

Try to not feel guilty for having survived, celebrate it even if it's hard.

To those who survived
죄책감을하지 말아주세요...
Il Divo, 
꽃, 꽃이 필까 예 예 그들은 그들은 것입니다 윌 
당신이 여기 아직 태어나의 경우가 있습니다. 
그들은 꽃을하겠다는 그들은 것 및 그 때까지 다시 개화 
거기에는없는 슬픔은 없습니다 및 이유 애도 남아

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

R.I.P Angel KADs

My dear sweet angels and innocent souls. How much my heart yerns for you all, my heart is heavy for you all. You were all taken way to soon, I can't help but to think of your birthmothers.... Do they know, that you're no longer living- that your life was ended by the one person that was supposed to keep you safe ? 

  • 1957, Wendy Kay Ott, 22 months old
  • 1972, Kim Marie Firth, 2
  • 1976, Danielle Kristine Neil, 13 months
  • 1978, Lew Jones, 21
  • 1992, Kayla Erlandson, 2
  • 1994, Holly 15 & Nicole 14
  • 2007, Chaeli Kyrie , 13 months
  • 2008, Ethan 10, Seth 9, Mira 5 and Eleanor 3
  • 2013, Hyunsu 3
제발 용서해 주세요. 우리는 당신의 아이를 보호해야.

Tuesday, 10 June 2014


평화, pyeonghwa means peace which is something I really do believe in. I believe in equality and world peace. But it's difficult trying to strive and achieve world peace if you're not in harmony and peace with yourself.

사랑합니다 saranghabnida, means love and I do respect and feel love towards most, if not all humans. I am a humanbeing with feelings, I do love my family, relatives and friends.  

While North Korea, still is an autocracy still ruled by a direct decendant of Kim Il Sung, namely his grandson Kim Jung Un. While the population in North Korea are deprived of most things we usually tend to take for granted. The majority is extremely poor and starving. Yet many have begun to oppose and ignore many of the regulations, laws and restrictions that doesn't carry a serious punishment. Some say that North Korea already is a plutocracy or autocracy.

The older generation; those who experienced the Korean War and the first decades after seems to be more positive towards a future unification of the both Koreas. While the younger generation seems to be very sceptical towards a joint Korea, since they fear that South Korea's economy will suffer once North Korea fall. When that happens it is likely-at least if you ask me that, North Korea and possibly South Korea to will change from an autocracy to a plutocracy. Once North Korea falls, which it will someday sooner than later.

Those North Koreans who are fotunate to still have directly related family in the South might become part of the small plutocracy group.
With that its very likely that South will witness a flood of refugees fleeing trying to escape a faith and poor future in North.

I believe it will affect South Korea and that the period of communism and democracy will be over. Then North Korea most likely will face a period of interegnum where it might be ruled under martial law, or possibly a mandate from UN or South Korea. Then it's possible I'd say that there will be a temporary coalition government with leaders from the South , UN and North Korea might also be a suzerainty at one point where South Korea or UN would have political influence over them. In the future , many years decades from now I believe that North and South Korea will have to form a joint government with power-sharing between them.

The likelihood of a unified Korea might never become a realization instead it is more likely that North Korea one day will become a fre state with a freely elected president and becoming a republic. We can only speculate how that will affect the unfortunate families that were forced to separate in 1953 as a result of the Korean War.

According to reports  as many as 128000 people are registered as coming from North Korean families in South Korea. Some 44 percent out of those is said to have passed away while more than 80 percent out of the living survivors is said to be over 70 years old. The organized family reunions begun in 2010, last years promised reunions were cancelled only the day before.

The very first family reunion was actually held as early as 1985 and so far 18 family reunions have been held... Back then family members were schuffled between Seoul and Peyongyang promting North Korea to only allow future reunions within Peyongyang.

Maybe the future unified Korea will be a technocracy or a theocracy, who knows ? What if the future for Korea means two independent countries and not a unification? Please bear in mind that I'm no expert in area at all.not really..No

Since the separation of Korea in 1953 South Korea has managed to become a leading world nation, with strong economy, high level of industralization and a major exporter of technology. Would South Korea willingly accept to lose their economic status and international reputation and become 21st century's Germany?

This seems very unlikely to happen, and South Korea wouldn't willingly accept it- of that I am certain.

It could be wrong of me but I identify with them, these unfortunate families that were separated by the war. Not able to communicate with their loved ones , not informed about their relatives whereabouts, major life events or current health status.

Being an adoptee means I naturally and obviously unfortunately are left out of any information. That daily contact with my relatives, parents and siblings- that I never recieves... Not about those trivial eveyday things. I kow I am one of the more fortunate enough to actually have had the possibility to meet my 어머니and 아버지as well as 언니을 and 남동생.

Even if we, reunited I've realized that it was near to impossible to reclaim my role in my  biological family. I was an infant when I left and I returned years later, I was the youngest at the time. I'm no longer the youngest I was raised in a different society, a society who appears to be the opposite of were I once was born. I'm no longer considered a family member which I learned from experience. Should I want to reconnect with them it seems another role and function has been assigned to me one that I am having trouble to accept.

Unlike the separated families I have a choice to either accept my faith or to walk away. Whereas they don't have that option I am very aware of that.

Friday, 16 May 2014

My Four Nephews

I had a dream a while ago about my sister and her family, at first it seemed so real but then there were some details which made me realize it was only a sweet dream... I haven't mentioned any dreams about this sister yet, and she's also married and very caring and sweetnatured. As far as I know she has an older daughter and a younger son, they were born extremely close after each other - (the reason for that is the high competitiveness on the jobmarket, a married woman is allowed maternal leave for one and a half year, I assume that is for each cild. But it seems to me like very few families can afford the risk of being on maternity leave for 3 years which would make them likely to risk getting fired.)

Secondly Korean familes get child benefits for two children, not more preferable they want a son and a daughter. I'm not sure if they forfeit the state benefit in case of multiple births like twins or triplets which are very rare for Asians in the first place. This has something to do with Korea's belief that smaller families will make adults more willing and focused on working thereby helping the economy grow and in turn contribut to the nation's industrialization.

Let me now tell you about my dream, apart from the older son and daughter, my sister suddenly had given birth to two more children (I was unable to find out their gender, both were still toddlers). They were born as close from each other as their older siblings. They may have been twins though. Because of the two strong reasons for only having two children I remember I was very surprised to discover my Onni had mothered two additional children, one of my sisters has had a third child but she does no longer reside in Korea. Yet in my dream, this sister was.

Friday, 4 April 2014

A Man Just Like My Father...

People say  the chances you end up with someone like your father is pretty high or like your mother if you happen to be a male...

This means I might fancy a layed back openminded, guy who values honesty and justice. Someone who laughs and joke around a lot and who seem to to still be true to his childish side. Or a man just like Oppa which means my heart would be content with a superstitious man, who loves children and who jokes around a lot.

Maybe I'll fancy a man like my dear mum, sensitive and caring person with the heart in the right place. Omma's values could also be what I'm looking for in a future boyfriend and potential husband; a strong man who protects and look after his loved ones, someone with a really big heart that has sacrificed a lot for their family. Someone who are close to their parents and siblings and values family.

A Swedish tiger with cool layed back style and openminded mind. Who doesn't really speak that much.
A Korean ninja who are protected of his loved ones, who knows what he wants. Who doesn't care much.

No I don't know, I'm not certain I just know what my heart and soul don't want.
I need someone who can understand me I guess, that respects me enough to accept me without wanting to change me into something I'm not. I can't be only Swedish or 100% Korean because I'm not.

Monday, 31 March 2014

Maybe It Would Have Been Easier...

...if I hadn't been born as a female.

Allow me to explain myself; I don't really wish I were born as a male and I certainly don't aspire to become a male. No. That's not what I mean.

Sometimes it does seems to me that males have it much easier since a large part of society are patriarchies. And I sometimes imagine that Omma and Appa would have kept me-instead of relinquishing me for adoption. But then again my younger brother may never have been born and I wouldn't be me. As in the person that I am now.

No, this is toxic thinking and old familiar thinking of mine, I can no longer allow myself to think like that.

I know this is a thinking pattern that is doing me more bad than good, but sometimes I just can't help it. Now, I don't want to be a victim any longer - refuse to see myself as a victim.

 I am a strong, intelligent, talented and independent woman. I should be proud of who I am- I am proud of who I am.

아줌마 ahjumma 화이팅 hwaiting. ㄱㄱㄱ

Friday, 28 February 2014

Blurred Lines

I don't know who I am , I no longer fit into the mold. I can't handle my mum and dad's expections any longer because I no longer agree with them. I feel like I'm closer to my birth family, somehow yet not quite or in the sense I'd like the most. But I still like really really spicy food and especially Omma's or Onni's cooking. I also prefer to listen to K-pop and dress like a Korean woman.

I also believe in human rights and that women should be able to get the same healthcare regardless of nationality or poverty. They should also have access to education and be able to choose for themselve when and whom to marry.

I love my Abeoji and Omma, is that not alright?
아버지와 어머니를 사랑. 괜찮아요.

And I'm also proud to be Korean, proud of who I am and where I come from. Is that not ok?
한국을 사랑합니다. 괜찮아요.

I also love my older sisters, where is it not allowed?
나의 자매를 사랑합니다.괜찮아요.

Of course I love my younger brother too, when is it not accepted ?
동생을 사랑합니다.괜찮아요

Friday, 14 February 2014

The In-Between

Being in reunion with your birth family is something that I always dreamed of, longed for, desired and hoped for. Now when I finally are - sort of, I am ever so frustrated. Why you may ask ? I am frustrated because of how society looks upon people like myself, yes I am an adult adoptee - I didn't emigrate on my own, it wasn't my decision - to be separated from my birth parents or to be forced to live with strangers for the rest of my life. I never wanted to learn another language, to be raised in another culture.

Now that I am, I feel like my dear mum and dad are so afraid and scared to death of losing me, losing me to my original family the one that should have raised me. But I also know they love me yet I sometimes get so extremely irritated and annoyed at them... Society doesn't welcome or encourage people like me - I know that. Well, they do but only to a certain point.

Wanting to relocate, moving back, changing your citizenship all of those things are throwned upon.
I now don't know where I fit in, I don't feel Swedish yet I know I am, I find it hard to relate to my birth parents and siblings even though I just want to whisper that I love them. Because I think like this, I feel like I'm almost not welcome any longer in my own native country - to be frank it's the only culture and country that I know. It's almost like they don't want to recognize me or acknowledge me any longer.

All because of a very logical wish to reconnect and find my birth family.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Onni's Daughter

Transnational adoptions from many countries have declined over the past years while others just begun, one of those countries would be South Korea. Instead of continuing to send orphans abroad they have seriously tried to promote domestic adoptions insted. We can already see the consequences of such efforts, and I do think it's a positive step for them and I'm happy for them.

Yet society still doesn't welcome adoptees in Korean families because of the importance of blood ties and future of family surnames, since women marry into their husbands family but still keep their maiden names. One my sisters recently got married to a very nice, respectable man and she seemed to be so loving and caring. I so wish so could would be able to experience motherhood and raising children of her own. I know she would be the perfect mother, because I have felt her love and warm and tender heart. That might not be possible though unless she and her husband doesn't choose adoption...

 But then again she may just as well be as content with being an Onni to all of her nieces and nephews. I wonder what her husband feels about the possibility of a barren wife and no likelihood of future offsprings and children - that is if they don't decide to become domestic adoptive parents. She may as well be content with that just being a cool hip aunt but it honestly breaks my heart to know that it's possible my beloved sister possibly never will be able to know the unconditional love a child offers it's parents, how a daughter adores her father and wants to be like her mother and how a son idolizes his mother. That could be the burden that my sweet innocent sister might have to carry for life. It's the burden on her shoulders perhaps, but it could just as well be a possibility for a new and daring future.

Maybe Omma and Appa only wished for their remining children to be happy, and experience love and build a family. It is possible that they prioritized my siblings happiness and was less concerned with blood ties... The loss of me, could mean that they now try hard to make up for things they lost with me. Both Omma and Appa are crazy for their grandchildren and spoils them rotten whenver they get the chance...

Since my birth family already have a foreigner in the family as well as half Korean children, I can't be certain of how they feel about adoption. They don't seem like most Koreans which is why I can't say for sure that they never would consider it. They might for all I know, yet they have experienced the loss and separation from adoption which honestly could be in favour of domestic adoption just as well as it could mean that never would consider it...

Saturday, 1 February 2014

Going Back To School

돌아 가지대학.

Did you think I completely forgot my unfinished studies ? Trust me, I havn't. Fact is I'm trying to go back to school and try to finish what I started.

I had one sub course left before I could request a college degree and then I had another semester on top of that left. After that there were only one more semester left before I would get my Bachelor degree in Social Sciences.

However I am going to not move ahead of plans this time, taking it one step at a time. I basically already have a Bachelor thesis written, with minor adjustments. The plan was to move back home and study Korean language for a year. I'm not going to try another time with my Korean just yet , I'll try to finish my Social Sciences first and then I'll reconsider Korean language studies or possibly look into other options.

Hwaiting ^.^ kkkk

Friday, 31 January 2014

Where Do I Belong

어디에 속하십니까
내가 지금까지 발견 할 것이다 집에 전화하는 장소.
여기서 우리 집이다.  영혼은 평화를 원한다.
 마음은 휴식하고 다시 신뢰하고 싶어.
내가 무엇을 찾고 발견
되고 싶어.

Where do I belong... ?
Will I ever find a place to call my home ?
My soul just wants peace and my heart requests rests and to believe again. 
Why is it so hard to find my one true home... 
A place where I can be allowed to be myself, to blossom , trust and believe again. 
Believe in the good in humankind. 
I just want to be accepted as the person that I am, why is such a place so hard to find ?
Please show me the respect that you seek in return, the least you can demand is respect. 
See me for the person that I am, acknowledge me. Show me that I am important and matter too. 
Tell me that life will get better, this cannot be it. There must be something more, something else something better. Better than all this, I deserve nothing but the best. 

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

From This Moment On...

I am sorry I havn't updated this blog as frequently like I did in the past, I feel like I want this blog to be more serious with entries of importance somehow, one way or another. Whereas my other blog -still secret is my personal blog about my life , opinions, thoughts and interests.

From this moment on I hope you will agree to continue following my journey as a young , female adoptee who is on a quest to find a place to call home, and looking for someone to love her and to love someone back. 

This blog may not be as Korea focused any longer, from this moment on I promise you to...