Thursday, 16 April 2015

Always on My Mind

If I don't get after my dream then I will always be on my mind.
Of course I could always settle and try to contempt-but I would never be it.
Most likely I would turn into an angry bitter woman and that should say a lot.
I am not willing to sacrifice my dream for anyone not even if I gain unconditional love in return.
Not until I tried my best would be inclined to consider recreating a new life under new circumstances.

I just think a lot about my birth mother and my olders sisters. Now I know that it is my mother that somehow is accountable for their nonexistant contact with me. My maternal grandmother refused me the oppertunity be raised with my older siblings. I have been rejected by three generations of women in my birthfamily and also two generations of men.


Thursday, 12 March 2015

Off The Wall

Rumors. Facts. Truth. 
I want to resettle in Korea.

Why? How come ? Similar questions is what I recieve from anyone a stranger or someone who thinks they have a right to have an opinion my life and my choices. 

That could not be more wrong. I know what I am and the little culture I have been exposed to is not enough. Not a society that only halfheartedly is willing to accept you under certain curcumstances.
Society wants me to reject my origin, my proud heritage and my culture. 

I have been given a new one I should fully embrace it. Believe me I have and still I am not fully accepted. I was forced to learn the customs of a foreign culture and now I have to choose. Either fully adjust into it or make a concious choice not to.

For my entire life I have lived a life that people think they have a right to have opinions on and to offer advice usually of discouragement. I will never be fully accepted in a society that is supposed to be my home this exactly why it does not feel like my home.

The parents who raised me, that I call mum and dad will never replace the parents that I should have had. Instead they are the next best thing, but I love my mum and dad tremendously - but there will always be a part of me that I lost and always will miss...


Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Slipping Through My Fingers

I know what I want and how to get it. I cannot rest and settle down until my soul find peace and my heart discovered happiness that lies within. To me life is so extremely short-that we only have one chance to reach our dreams and full potential. I will not let this just slip through my fingers because I may only get one shot.

To me my lifedream is my number one priority-I will sacrifice a stable future and even love to reach my dream.

For 15 years I was separated and detached from them, 15 years ago I found them and got to know them. But no matter what I lost 15 years, years that I never will get back. I have been in reunion with my birth family for half my life. Which is not easy I should add, I am the second youngest child and youngest daughter out of eight.

Sunday, 11 January 2015

Let It Be

Let Me Be
The Me
I Was
Meant to Be
The Person That
I Once
Was Supposed
To Be

Is it not ironic that I have a yearning and a life long dream to resettle in Korea, try my wings and search for happiness and luck -while one of my sisters did exactly the opposite. She did not marry a Korean man, nor did she settled in Korea she built a future overseas.

The culture that I long to know better and love tremendously she choose to reject and cast aside.  For reasons I am not sure off she decided to marry a foreign man. She knows the culture that we both are proucts of she knows what she dislikes about. Whereas I cannot reject or dislike anything Korean it is a part of me. If I reject it, I ignore a part of me.

I cannot change what happened or undo my adoption . I cannot disolve my adoption (it's supposedly not possible). Whould I even want to..? One part of me wants to do it, and another part doesnt' think its worth it. That would cause more pain for one or both of my families plus it was almost 29 years ago I was relinguished for adoption.

Plus I don't even know for sure if my birth ceritificate is real (social study).

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Aura

My aura and soul was born through my mother's tears and pain. Her soul gave birth to me a daughter that she never could call hers. Because of this my mother's aura must be pure. White as snow and innocent. I do not blame her in any way, I can hold nothing against her. She gave me life, I am a part of her.

I am searching for the thing I lost, my social heritage that I lost because I was adopted... My biological heritage does no longer match my social heritage. That is my biggest sorrow but it is not something that I can regret because I had nothing to do with it. I was just born by a mother that never was to be my mum.

Who is to blame for my soul's trauma... Because it is traumatic for a newborn infant or animal to be separated from it's mother to soon after birth.... That's why experts does not recommend you to buya kitten that's younger than 12 weeks or 8 weeks for a puppy. Removing it too soon from it's mother will most likely disturb the animals natural development not to mention the anti bodies it will lack and lose because of not being able to feed from it's mother.

Why are not children treated with the same respect?

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Born to Die

천국에서도 당신은 나의어머니입니다.

어머니, 천국에서도 나를 알아봐 주세요.


다음 생에도어머니는제되어주시겠어요 ?

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

선생님 My Brother

Have I told you about my brother... I can't recall that I have. My brother 남동생 or 오빠, hierarcial and there are two different terms for brother, which depends on the gender females calls older brother one thing and another if they're younger brothers. Same goes for brothers- older brothers have one name and younger brothers another. The same word used by a younger sister for her older brother has also been used as term of enderment between couples- the girlfriend calls her boyfriend this. Sometimes a woman may use this for her older male friends as well.

Exactly what I call my brother, that is up for you to determine or guess. I can tell you that my brother has been studying to become a teacher 선생님 and the subject he'll be teaching is history 역사. At first he had his heart set on becoming a doctor, for some reason his grades weren't high enough so instead he decided to pursue a teaching carrier. Next after a carrier in medicine the teaching profession in Korea still carries a lot of status. 


Which isn't the same in Sweden or Europe where I'm from. Fact is that a teacher in Sweden is among the lowest valued profession one could choose. Teachers and doctors are expected to a future of low incomes, long hours of work regular or constant overtime. Despite the fact that both of them are needed professions for society to function the salary doesn't reflect this.

I also believe that my birth parents wanted my brother to pursue a carrier in medicine because it has high status and a very nice salary. A doctor has the highest status overall. But if all Korean students entered into medicine society would not function since other professions would size to exist.

I am proud of my brother for wanting to become a teacher, I want him to be happy. I love my brother, just as I do love my sisters and my father and mother.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Embrace Life

Life's not a coincidence, embrace your life. Really embrace it, since you are here on earth. You were meant to be. Meant to be alive. Remember that life's no accident everything happens for a reason. You are a winner , winner of life. Celebrate it, cheerish it enjoy your life.

 Happiness starts from within if you're not happy with yourself you will never be happy with someone else. You can't love anyone else if you don't learn to love, respect, honor and accept yourself. It may not be easy and easier said then done... But if there's life there's always hope.

Initally this post was written in the light of the Sewol tragedy in Korea, yet almost two months ago another disaster struck the international community the crash of MH17 months after Malyasia's MH370 disappeared... I will not mention the politics behind the MH17 crash. This is not the proper place to do so and it also feels to soon to do so....




Saturday, 16 August 2014

Lost Lives

The sudden ferry accident outside Jindo where 80 % of the passengers were High School students from Anam , Hanwon High School is indeed a tragic loss. I do believe it could have been prevented.. I honestly do.

Korea is a very competitive society were the collective good comes before individual needs. This means the Korean mentality basically says that showing emotion in public is not socially accepteed.
"Only small children cries" instead of talking openbly about their feelings, emotions and reactions to things they don't mention it at all.

With more over 200 missing or dead teenagers there is a fear that the suicide rate will increase, because it is a parents worst nightmare to survive while they loss their children instead.

The 22year old female part time worker who refused to leave and save herself, who tried to rescue as many as she could, the engaged 20s couple who tried to look for more or the middleaged teacher who wanted to try to rescue and save his students.There were many brave teenagers onboard the Sewol ferry, the Choi boy who made the 911call, the part time worker, the engaged couple, or the boy who gave away his lifejacket to a friend and the teenage couple who died tied together... And the brave civilians that stepped in and helped to rescue some, some who even lost their own lives...

Will this nightmare mean that Korea has to change their view on healthcare ? Nobody did approch the assigned Health Care workers at the Jindo gymnasium. Many parents have mentioned not wanting to live...

If it would have been a ferry with 80% adult passengers instead of High School students would the captain have acted differently would the expected death toll not have been as high.. !? Who knows.
I can't imagine how this feels, but I feel the collective grief. Experts talk about a collective depression yet depression isn't a common word in the Korean vocabulary. Depression 불경기 (bulyeongki) while suicide is 자살 jasal (chasal) and the incident has already claimed it's first victim by suicide, the vice principal of the Anwon High School in Anam.

(I will not write about the president or crew members of the Sewol ferry -this is not the time. I will find another place to write about the crew and suspected wrongdoing and criminal act..)

Try to not feel guilty for having survived, celebrate it even if it's hard.

To those who survived
죄책감을하지 말아주세요...
Il Divo, 
꽃, 꽃이 필까 예 예 그들은 그들은 것입니다 윌 
당신이 여기 아직 태어나의 경우가 있습니다. 
그들은 꽃을하겠다는 그들은 것 및 그 때까지 다시 개화 
거기에는없는 슬픔은 없습니다 및 이유 애도 남아

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

R.I.P Angel KADs


My dear sweet angels and innocent souls. How much my heart yerns for you all, my heart is heavy for you all. You were all taken way to soon, I can't help but to think of your birthmothers.... Do they know, that you're no longer living- that your life was ended by the one person that was supposed to keep you safe ? 

  • 1957, Wendy Kay Ott, 22 months old
  • 1972, Kim Marie Firth, 2
  • 1976, Danielle Kristine Neil, 13 months
  • 1978, Lew Jones, 21
  • 1992, Kayla Erlandson, 2
  • 1994, Holly 15 & Nicole 14
  • 2007, Chaeli Kyrie , 13 months
  • 2008, Ethan 10, Seth 9, Mira 5 and Eleanor 3
  • 2013, Hyunsu 3
제발 용서해 주세요. 우리는 당신의 아이를 보호해야.