Friday, 4 April 2014

A Man Just Like My Father...

People say  the chances you end up with someone like your father is pretty high or like your mother if you happen to be a male...

This means I might fancy a layed back openminded, guy who values honesty and justice. Someone who laughs and joke around a lot and who seem to to still be true to his childish side. Or a man just like Oppa which means my heart would be content with a superstitious man, who loves children and who jokes around a lot.

Maybe I'll fancy a man like my dear mum, sensitive and caring person with the heart in the right place. Omma's values could also be what I'm looking for in a future boyfriend and potential husband; a strong man who protects and look after his loved ones, someone with a really big heart that has sacrificed a lot for their family. Someone who are close to their parents and siblings and values family.

A Swedish tiger with cool layed back style and openminded mind. Who doesn't really speak that much.
A Korean ninja who are protected of his loved ones, who knows what he wants. Who doesn't care much.

No I don't know, I'm not certain I just know what my heart and soul don't want.
I need someone who can understand me I guess, that respects me enough to accept me without wanting to change me into something I'm not. I can't be only Swedish or 100% Korean because I'm not.

Monday, 31 March 2014

Maybe It Would Have Been Easier...

...if I hadn't been born as a female.

Allow me to explain myself; I don't really wish I were born as a male and I certainly don't aspire to become a male. No. That's not what I mean.

Sometimes it does seems to me that males have it much easier since a large part of society are patriarchies. And I sometimes imagine that Omma and Appa would have kept me-instead of relinquishing me for adoption. But then again my younger brother may never have been born and I wouldn't be me. As in the person that I am now.

No, this is toxic thinking and old familiar thinking of mine, I can no longer allow myself to think like that.

I know this is a thinking pattern that is doing me more bad than good, but sometimes I just can't help it. Now, I don't want to be a victim any longer - refuse to see myself as a victim.

 I am a strong, intelligent, talented and independent woman. I should be proud of who I am- I am proud of who I am.

아줌마 ahjumma 화이팅 hwaiting. ㄱㄱㄱ

Friday, 28 February 2014

Blurred Lines

I don't know who I am , I no longer fit into the mold. I can't handle my mum and dad's expections any longer because I no longer agree with them. I feel like I'm closer to my birth family, somehow yet not quite or in the sense I'd like the most. But I still like really really spicy food and especially Omma's or Onni's cooking. I also prefer to listen to K-pop and dress like a Korean woman.

I also believe in human rights and that women should be able to get the same healthcare regardless of nationality or poverty. They should also have access to education and be able to choose for themselve when and whom to marry.

I love my Abeoji and Omma, is that not alright?
아버지와 어머니를 사랑. 괜찮아요.

And I'm also proud to be Korean, proud of who I am and where I come from. Is that not ok?
한국을 사랑합니다. 괜찮아요.

I also love my older sisters, where is it not allowed?
나의 자매를 사랑합니다.괜찮아요.

Of course I love my younger brother too, when is it not accepted ?
동생을 사랑합니다.괜찮아요

Friday, 14 February 2014

The In-Between

Being in reunion with your birth family is something that I always dreamed of, longed for, desired and hoped for. Now when I finally are - sort of, I am ever so frustrated. Why you may ask ? I am frustrated because of how society looks upon people like myself, yes I am an adult adoptee - I didn't emigrate on my own, it wasn't my decision - to be separated from my birth parents or to be forced to live with strangers for the rest of my life. I never wanted to learn another language, to be raised in another culture.

Now that I am, I feel like my dear mum and dad are so afraid and scared to death of losing me, losing me to my original family the one that should have raised me. But I also know they love me yet I sometimes get so extremely irritated and annoyed at them... Society doesn't welcome or encourage people like me - I know that. Well, they do but only to a certain point.

Wanting to relocate, moving back, changing your citizenship all of those things are throwned upon.
I now don't know where I fit in, I don't feel Swedish yet I know I am, I find it hard to relate to my birth parents and siblings even though I just want to whisper that I love them. Because I think like this, I feel like I'm almost not welcome any longer in my own native country - to be frank it's the only culture and country that I know. It's almost like they don't want to recognize me or acknowledge me any longer.

All because of a very logical wish to reconnect and find my birth family.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Onni's Daughter

Transnational adoptions from many countries have declined over the past years while others just begun, one of those countries would be South Korea. Instead of continuing to send orphans abroad they have seriously tried to promote domestic adoptions insted. We can already see the consequences of such efforts, and I do think it's a positive step for them and I'm happy for them.

Yet society still doesn't welcome adoptees in Korean families because of the importance of blood ties and future of family surnames, since women marry into their husbands family but still keep their maiden names. One my sisters recently got married to a very nice, respectable man and she seemed to be so loving and caring. I so wish so could would be able to experience motherhood and raising children of her own. I know she would be the perfect mother, because I have felt her love and warm and tender heart. That might not be possible though unless she and her husband doesn't choose adoption...

 But then again she may just as well be as content with being an Onni to all of her nieces and nephews. I wonder what her husband feels about the possibility of a barren wife and no likelihood of future offsprings and children - that is if they don't decide to become domestic adoptive parents. She may as well be content with that just being a cool hip aunt but it honestly breaks my heart to know that it's possible my beloved sister possibly never will be able to know the unconditional love a child offers it's parents, how a daughter adores her father and wants to be like her mother and how a son idolizes his mother. That could be the burden that my sweet innocent sister might have to carry for life. It's the burden on her shoulders perhaps, but it could just as well be a possibility for a new and daring future.

Maybe Omma and Appa only wished for their remining children to be happy, and experience love and build a family. It is possible that they prioritized my siblings happiness and was less concerned with blood ties... The loss of me, could mean that they now try hard to make up for things they lost with me. Both Omma and Appa are crazy for their grandchildren and spoils them rotten whenver they get the chance...

Since my birth family already have a foreigner in the family as well as half Korean children, I can't be certain of how they feel about adoption. They don't seem like most Koreans which is why I can't say for sure that they never would consider it. They might for all I know, yet they have experienced the loss and separation from adoption which honestly could be in favour of domestic adoption just as well as it could mean that never would consider it...

Saturday, 1 February 2014

Going Back To School

돌아 가지대학.

Did you think I completely forgot my unfinished studies ? Trust me, I havn't. Fact is I'm trying to go back to school and try to finish what I started.

I had one sub course left before I could request a college degree and then I had another semester on top of that left. After that there were only one more semester left before I would get my Bachelor degree in Social Sciences.

However I am going to not move ahead of plans this time, taking it one step at a time. I basically already have a Bachelor thesis written, with minor adjustments. The plan was to move back home and study Korean language for a year. I'm not going to try another time with my Korean just yet , I'll try to finish my Social Sciences first and then I'll reconsider Korean language studies or possibly look into other options.

Hwaiting ^.^ kkkk

Friday, 31 January 2014

Where Do I Belong

어디에 속하십니까
내가 지금까지 발견 할 것이다 집에 전화하는 장소.
여기서 우리 집이다.  영혼은 평화를 원한다.
 마음은 휴식하고 다시 신뢰하고 싶어.
내가 무엇을 찾고 발견
되고 싶어.

Where do I belong... ?
Will I ever find a place to call my home ?
My soul just wants peace and my heart requests rests and to believe again. 
Why is it so hard to find my one true home... 
A place where I can be allowed to be myself, to blossom , trust and believe again. 
Believe in the good in humankind. 
I just want to be accepted as the person that I am, why is such a place so hard to find ?
Please show me the respect that you seek in return, the least you can demand is respect. 
See me for the person that I am, acknowledge me. Show me that I am important and matter too. 
Tell me that life will get better, this cannot be it. There must be something more, something else something better. Better than all this, I deserve nothing but the best. 

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

From This Moment On...

I am sorry I havn't updated this blog as frequently like I did in the past, I feel like I want this blog to be more serious with entries of importance somehow, one way or another. Whereas my other blog -still secret is my personal blog about my life , opinions, thoughts and interests.

From this moment on I hope you will agree to continue following my journey as a young , female adoptee who is on a quest to find a place to call home, and looking for someone to love her and to love someone back. 

This blog may not be as Korea focused any longer, from this moment on I promise you to... 

Friday, 13 December 2013

Deepest Desire

I have a deep deep desire
I want to be treated as a human being
Like a person and a woman next
Not a sexual object
It's just that I've experienced things...
My mind is still set in escape mood

But honestly speaking
I do want
To be loved and respected
For the person that I am
Don't love me
If you only love my race
Please I beg you

I'd rather go through life alone
Even if it would be rather lonely indeed
But to keep myself from heart break
That's what I'm willing to do

First impressions can decieve
There is so much more
To me than what you see
Or what you think you see

It's nothing but a personal protection
Honestly I'm really rather kind and sweet
That is once I allow myself to show
A more sincere and vulnerable side
There's a reason why I hide it

Sunday, 1 December 2013

현실을 탈출

Sometimes life feels rough like there's no end to your pain...
Those days I'd like to curl up in my bed or to run away and hide
But hiding from your problems is only the act of coward.
On those occasions I do indeed have a special place that I allow my mind to travel to
It's place feel of vibrant life , scents and a city who never sleeps
Once in a while I imagine what my life would look like if I lived there...
What my future would hold if I went there...
As of right now though I can only drem
But dreams can come true