Non, Je ne Regrette Rien

Apparently there is a common understanding that if a young child experiences trauma it will most likely affect them. Some say the only remedy is regressional therapy that would help you re-experience said trauma and by doing so you can resolve it...
Not sure if it's true or not all I know is that I can't seem to shake off my past...

I don't want to live a life with regret. I don't want to have a past filled with regrets.
Yet it is better to regret past actions than never having tried.

Always on My Mind

If I don't get after my dream then I will always be on my mind.
Of course I could always settle and try to contempt-but I would never be it.
Most likely I would turn into an angry bitter woman and that should say a lot.
I am not willing to sacrifice my dream for anyone not even if I gain unconditional love in return.
Not until I tried my best would be inclined to consider recreating a new life under new circumstances.

I just think a lot about my birth mother and my olders sisters. Now I know that it is my mother that somehow is accountable for their nonexistant contact with me. My maternal grandmother refused me the oppertunity be raised with my older siblings. I have been rejected by three generations of women in my birthfamily and also two generations of men.

Deepest Desire

I have a deep deep desire
I want to be treated as a human being
Like a person and a woman next
Not a sexual object
It's just that I've experienced things...
My mind is still set in escape mood

But honestly speaking
I do want
To be loved and respected
For the person that I am
Don't love me
If you only love my race
Please I beg you

I'd rather go through life alone
Even if it would be rather lonely indeed
But to keep myself from heart break
That's what I'm willing to do

First impressions can decieve
There is so much more
To me than what you see
Or what you think you see

It's nothing but a personal protection
Honestly I'm really rather kind and sweet
That is once I allow myself to show
A more sincere and vulnerable side
There's a reason why I hide it

My dream, My life

I know it's incomprehensible like so many aspects of my life lately, the years following my 20th birthday.
Nobody understands why I even would consider attempting what my heart desires , there are even to be frank people who have tried to talk me out of it, tried to make change my mind, get reasonable.

Why would you even think about going back when your own parents deserted you once..? 

Would you rather have been raised in an orphanage instead of what you have now?

Isn't your mum and dad gong to be sad, do they allow you living...? 

My life is my alone and I should be able to determine, decide and choose how I best want to live my life. I don't require, demands or wants anyone to try to understand... I know for a fact that the chance of my soul finding inner peace; here in a country that I never asked to be brought to in the first place, is not a place where I will find happiness or where I'd like to spend the last days of my life. I have bigger aspirations, goals and dreams in life.

Since my reunion with my birth family is at a standstill, my dream makes little sense to anyone outside the adoptee world. I know I have attempted this once before but back then I didn't give it an earnest attempt. This time I intend to plan it better, study harder, save more money, look into different options as well as oppertunities.

I have a saying that I want to live my life without regrets - it's far better to regret something you did than to regret something you never dared to do or something that you never did. I also strongly believe this saying is true;

Don't dream your dream, live your dream. 

That's what I intend to do, is it really that wrong for me to want try to realize my dream when I know what my heart desires? I know what will make me happy- it has very little do with money and doesn't involve another person. I don't think I'm unreasonable for wanting what I want. I'm still young and unattached, there's nobody who would miss me if I left. Honestly speaking most of my friends doesn't even reside in the same continent as I am now, I met several of my closest friends abroad in the same country that my heart is yearning for.

These people , some of whom I have never met understands me far better and offers more support than my supposed friends have.

I've made up my mind friends, it's settled my faith has been sealed.

There's a Korean saying that a fox returns to die to the same place where it once was born.