A Nightmare

Before you start reading this particular post I'd like to point out that it describes a dream I had one night. Which happened to be nightmare, so it didn't actually happen.

I did have a nightmore about my first family a while ago, it centered around my siblings and my beloved younger brother. It seemed as if my older sisters might have been jelaous if not sad that their brother were treated differently than they were... I remember I saw that at least one of my sisters were crying due to this... They were all sad, I couldn't see my brother or my first parents anywhere though...

And about that, I've only seen my sisters cry once and that were over one year ago...

I can't turn back time, to a time before my birth, if I did my life might be different but who could really say.. ? Then I wouldn't have my mum and dad and probably wouldn't even be the same person. Perhaps one or several of my natural siblings wouldn't have been born... Maybe that's more what you could call a real nightmare... But that will never happen because it's in the past, the cards has already been laid and what's in the past can't be undone. 

The new leader of the World Bank is another American, but also Korean. Jim Yong Kim is his name, and I don't think you could call that a nightmare... would you.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Sour Grapes

If you thought my unemployment or luck of finding employment in Sweden would have made me realize that my dream of moving overseas suddenly seems unachivable. Then think again, it have not made me change me mind one bit, in fact it has only made me more determind then ever before. Secondly, it's not unachiveable - it's not like I dream of becoming an astronaut; traveling in space and time, or a race car driver not even a professional soccer player.

I do know my limits and those three professions sounds very interesting but I know they're not for me.
Right now I haven't been able to find employment so I guess you could say that i have no luck of the irish at the moment. Korea will always be there, my first family will always be there too and when I'm ready to move believe me; then I'm moving !

Sometimes you have to eat some sour grapes , because life can't be fun and easy all the time then we wouldn't learn anything. But I feel like I have a death sentence on me or something similar, something I always have to live with and which makes me forced to accept that I can't live the life I want. But I refuse to accept my faith, the decisions that are still left for me to decide on I will take power over.

 ©Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Sometimes I ask myself, where to draw the line... fighting for justice can be hard. Let's say you'd like to make society aware of discrimination of some kind. Is it then fare to only listen to one group? Can justice really be achieved if we're supposed to listen to all that feel stigmatized or discriminated ?

Take North Korea for example, with the new leader they have tried to launch a missile raket but failed to do so.

And the Norwegian mass murderer have said that he idealizes countries like South Korea and Japan for their homogenious population and their culture.

Personally, I still can't accept the view that adoptive parents have; that they say that it's better for orphans to be adopted than to according to them be raised in orphanages... Sometimes, I think it can be better, but not in all cases. Adoptees, young children never asked to be ripped up from their birth country, seperated from their  first families and relatives. And forced to learn a new language which in time might replace the naitve tongue...

The Swedish government wants muncipalities to recieve refugees, and they of course asked the muncipality where I live as well. Only thing is that, our muncipality can't organize housing for their own inhabitants in the first place. So this time they unfortunately refused...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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My friends are in that period of life when they settle down and start a family, some even tie the knot. I want to find acceptance and love too, I worry a bit about my future. What's going to happened when my mum and dad are not around any longer... Of course I'd have my brother but we're total opposites of each other he's popular, funny and outgoing with a large social network.

I really thought I'd like to find someone to love, but to be honest I don't I really don't. Honestly I don't want to, once I did go on a date with a much older guy, all the time I kept hearing alarm clocks in my head... I don't want to discuss that any further, let's just say that as for me I've learned that I sometimes need to do things I'd say I never do just to better understand why I don't want it.

And please, I'm not against people falling in love, marrying or having children... Since my reunion with my Korean family I have felt a stronger responsibility of my search for happiness, although I can't explain it very well .. maybe I've become picker when it comes to choosing you friends and whom to love. Although you might not be able to control who you begin to fancy. I don't want to date and give people false hope when I know that it might be the last thing I want.

To me my biggest nightmare is to engage in a relationship with someone out of pity either on my part or their part, and then I'd find myself trapped to somebody I deep down might noy even have considered dating. I just need to be more confident and express my opinions in the open and then let nobody try to talk me out of something because they think they might know better than me...

I'd like to one day tell my umma and appa that I found someone to love, I just won't settle for the first guy that comes along because there might be somebody better somewhere else. In a way I think it would be much easier to put love on hold until I'm in a position to move to Korea, because I don't want to raise a family in Sweden when I have no intention of settling down. If I was to settle down I might have to sacrifice my dream and purpose of life of moving to Korea and my dream in life is not to find somebody to love, settle down and raise a family. At least not if it means I have to make such a big compromise...

Today it's a month to my birthday and too be honest I'm not looking forward to it. Not at all in fact, but I'm putting on brave face and pretend everything is all right...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Some days ago I learned that my parents plans to sell their home ; my childhood home and also my only home, apart from dorm when I studied far away from home in University. I'm saddened by that fact.

But I guess it had to happen some day, but in my mind I imagined that by that time my brother or I would be able to either by it or inherit it and then the other house would be left to either me or my brother. When my mother retires they plan to sell their home and move to our summer house instead.

And yes the house has a hobby room, it's my mother's she does her handicrafts in there. Dad has the garage which really isn't a garage.

I have never really liked the summer house that much, it's boring there nothing to do and it's in the middle of nowhere. Yet it is close to the sea and the family pets really enjoy spending time there.

All good things have to come to an end at some point in time I guess. And well, I've been accused of being many things in my life; selfish, egocentric, narcisstic and you name it, the biggest trial in Norway's and maybe even the world started three days ago. People who think that I am just don't know me well enough, that's my weakness; I don't allow people to get too close too me.

Maybe this is who I always will be or maybe it's just a selfish phase and nothing else or bigger than that.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Maybe I'm to blame for my own loneliness, but too be honest I prefer to be alone. I guess that makes me a lone wolf, I really hate being told what to do or doing things that someone wants me to do when I really don't. I go to movies on my own, and I exercise alone as well.

I tell myself I'd like to fall in love and find a boyfriend, but I don't think I really want to. Love is such a delicate thing that needs constant care and commitment and I'm not just ready or more so willing to make such a big compromise in my life yet. That could be because adoption messed me up for years; I'm allright with shallow friendship but I have few if no close friends. Should that worry me, maybe it should but it doesn't.

I was told  for years that I was given up for adoption because I was the wrong gender, I grew up feeling confussed because I wanted to find love yet I couldn't really trust a person of the opposite sex... Constantly thinking that they'd abandon me so it's better if I do the exit first. A part of me still thinks like that, but at least I've forgiven the people that I feel should be forgiven and accepted them just as they are.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Sometimes I really wish I could stop all the focus on Korea and the fact that I'm adopted. I just want to be me. I want people to see me for the person that I am, not because of something that I might have in common with other peopl who either are adopted , Koreans or adopted Koreans.

I was raised in Sweden and I don't have any memories or recollections from my short (pathetic) life in Korea. That's the truth, that sad though I'm very stubborn and just as proud to be a Korean by ethnicity...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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 I sometimes have a hard time accepting help from what I consider total strangers, too me asking for help means to be helpless which I consider a sign of weakness... Furthermore I don't like to be given unwanted advice from anyone, not even if it is your job.

Independency is always good, at least that's what I think. And remember I'm Korean so I'm really stubborn...  You don't want to mess with me or make me angry.

If you want something done it yourself!

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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This is amazing yet touching documentary about identity as a Korean adoptee. I could identify with much o what the main person says. It comes in several parts and this is the first...

Personally, speaking if I could I would leave for Korea without blinking, you may think Sweden may be a paradise on earth and it is in some regards but depends on what you compare it with and also what it is that you're comparing. I've been unemployed for 2 years now, and I don't sit on my but doing nothing... Maybe it's wrong of me too expect that I'd actually be able to find some kind of job in Sweden. Maybe I should start looking elsewhere, maybe overseas... But then again the recession and unemployment may be a global thing especially in these days.

I honestly don't see my name change as having contributed or influenced the fact I have've been unlucky to find work. Many people these are unemplyed, but I'm starting too loose faith in lot of things.. Maybe I'm becoming an adult, but does adolescence and growing up have to mean to loose hope ?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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안녕하세요

Small Rantings

일요일 삼월스무일

I havn't heard from any one of my family members for a long time, but's all right. I know they are busy, three of them are married and they are all working. And they work 6 days a week not 5 like in Europe. Also the week starts on Sundays not Mondays.

• 일요일 
• 월요일
• 화요일
• 수요일
• 묵요일
• 금요일
• 토요일

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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눈이요해요.
홈없어요.
겨울 었어요.

I thought it ly don't had become spring by now, but guess not since it's been snowing since the weekend. So winter is back. I was thinking the other day that I really don't reflect over the fact that I'm not Swedish (my etnicity that is) , it's not like I ignore it or anything but I don't spend every minute of the day thinking about. Of course I know it, I see it and is reminded of it every time I look in the mirror, as well as every time I meet strangers , people I don't know, people that aren't familiar with me. I think it sort of is funny and sometimes annoying whenever I happen to meet an immigrant (someone who doesn't speak Swedish or hasn't been raised here).

And most people that may just have meet me assume I'm a Japanese person not a Korean and not even a Swede. 일본 사람 없어요. 한국 사람도 스웨덴 사남. 입양아 사람.

I wonder if there are anybody else that have encountered the same experience (maybe not on a daily basis or every day but more than once at least)....

© Elle, Taste of Kimchi

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안녕하세요!

Being adopted from another country is complicated enough , but add the fact that you've managed to find and reunite with your first family might make people question you. It's true that I have family relation in Korea and a larger one at that, and it's also true that -I'd like to move there in the future like for real not just as a tourist or on holidays. No, I want the real thing.

And I'm certain that my family shares that feeling of wanting to get to know me, because we're family and share the same parents by blood. But I would never take advantage of their love and hospitality. Once I did that for like a month, but to ask them to take me in for a longer period  is not something I'd do because even though I'm their younger sibling they have no legal responsibility to care for me for one and I'm an adult and have been one for many years now. I don't expect them to support me economically, I have my own mum and dad who I know will help me in times of need.

But I love my mother, father older sisters and younger brother more than any words ever could say. But I guess this sort of relationship might not be so common, at least I've never heard of one... Maybe it's natural and not what the first adoptive parents imagined that life would become. Having two of everything is a blessing, but it doesn't seem to be that common among people in the real world. And it's complicated because you are family, but you might not speak the same lanuage or share the same costums and traditions and more importantly there are no legally binding ties that makes your first family responsible for you. But even so this relationship is just as important and real as my other ones.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Udamu

Just like Sung Bong Choi there are others just like him, people that may have tragic past but somehow strive to reach their dream.. And one of those is Udamu a Mongolian orphan boy, he aditioned on China's Got Talent a few years ago and his story is just as tragic. He lost his mother in a car accident and a few years later his father was also taken from him.

It's a Mongolian song he sings and he sings it for his late mother, I think it's really touching and tragic. Even though I cannot understand what he sings his voice and singing are truely amazing!

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Most people in there 20s something settle down - gets married and have a couple of kids.

It's what everyboy does

wrong it's what many people choose, I'm not saying that it's wrong but it's just not on my agenda any time soon.
More women these are happy too be singles and finds other ways of fullfilling there lives. To settle down and raise a family it's what most people may do but it's not something that should be taken lightly.

My dad once told me that it's allright to be single, and I guess I like the benefits of my single life far too much. I especially enjoy my freedom and the independence it entails.

Also, my dad said it's allright if I never have children or never marries somebody, it might be selfish but it's what I've choosen out of convenience more then anything and now I'm just to accustomed to want to sacrifice my independence because I enjoy it far too much to simply give it up.

 So yes, it may be selfish too want to move abroad but many people delibrately choose to do but at least  I'm not hurting anybody. But just because my main goal is to move abroad it doesn't have to exclude the possibility of me settling down and some day raising a family of my own. But it's not something I long for right now, I'm perfectly content with life as it is and I wouldn't like too change it. Of course I'm going to lie, life would significantly improve if I would be able to get on a plan back to Korea today - but such a big decision requires time and planning.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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My first family, siblings even Umma and Appa can't possibly have any recollection of me, you see I was born in a hospital and then immediately placed for adoption. Prior to my birth my Onnis had no knowledge of me and my upcoming birth. Umma was later at some point told that I was stillborn, and when Appa finally knew of my whereabouts it was to late. I had already left the country for Europe and Sweden...

25 years and a few months later I finally know what I want to do with my life, I want nothing else then to move back to Korea permanentely not because my first family demanded, requested or asked me to do that. They have never even talked about that possibility maybe because they are older and wiser , realize things that I am yet unaware of... But still it's what I want, I want to make that move in a few years time.

I want my relationship to my Unnis and Namdongsaeng's to develop and deepen, I want to include them in my life in a completely different way than what I have done. Of course it would be easier if my first family would be able to travel to Sweden and visit me. But you see they are really poor so the only possability for me to get to know them is to make the move myself. And I know for a fact that they never would ask me to make that sort of sacrifice myself... Out of respect for my second family and my life in Sweden.

But I have nothing to take into consideration at this point in time, my Swedish parents will always be there for me no matter what. They can even understand why I feel the way I do about my first family and future move back to Korea.

Therefore I have no intention of making a lasting commitment to anybody which would mean that I would have to remain in Sweden when it isn't what I want or intended to do in the first place. When I finally have that second passport in my hands I'll start planning for the future but no until then.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Below just a short sory I came up with from the top of my head... 


The topic might be what you pressume just as it might not be, it could be just a short sweet story. With no hidden or underlying meaning - but I'll leave all that for you - my readers.

Once there was a troubled girl who lived from day by day, one day she tripped over a diamond a few years later she learned the diamond wasn't real. She tried to replace the diamond with gold only to discover that gold instead was yellow mica, everwhere she looked she only found yellow mica. Until years later when someone told her that she'd found a real gem - but it again was no gem. It was no ruby, emerald, sapphire or amber not even a diamond in the rough. Her jewelry box again was empty filled with nothing, around her neck there was no necklace, when she looked in the mirror she felt like there was something missing - she felt incomplete. Of course she always had her trusty necklace made of pearls of sorrow.

The girl's mother comforted her daughter by telling her that she didn't need a filled jewelry box, all she needed was one special gem.But right now the pearls of sorrow looked really good around her neck, the girl was told by her mother that she would know if a gem was made for her. It could be a ruby, emerald, sapphire or amber could be the gem that would be meant for her.

But the girl's mother also said that her daughter was beautiful just the way she was that she didn't need jewelary to make herself look beautiful. The girl would discover jewelary and gems soon enough.

That night the girl went to sleep with a light heart and woke up the next day with a smile, she knew that she one day would own a gem just like her mother.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I have reconciled with my past, I truely have many questions will never be answered but it's 괜핞아.
어머니 괜핞아.

 It's allright, it really is my soul is at peace now, because I don't need to find the answers when I got something else, something far more greater than I ever could have hoped for. I was able to find my other family, my first family and I was welcomed back into the family. I am proud and happy to know that I got them my very large first family, it fills me with excitement and joy whenever I come up with ways to show them that I care.

But the love, determination, dedication and devotion can never and will never be replaced, missplaced or forgotten. My first family is that important to me and my newest family understands that. They are not at all threatened by that because they know nothing replace them and suddenly take their places. With friends it's another thing, I'll never let my friends become more important than my first family and maybe that's threatening to them...

I know you need to compromise when it comes to love and relationships but I don't think you should compromise with your own feelings if you know it wouldn't work. I like my independence too much at this point, I'm happy to be just the younger sister that's more than I ever could have hoped for. Maybe I'm unable to love someone in that sense to give yourself to someone so completely. Then I'm remined that well, I'm still young not even 30 I'll be 여섯 스무 살  meaning 26 years old so there is still time left to worry about that.

Besides it doesn't feel right to start something new when I have my heart set on moving to Korea permanentely. That's how much I care for my first family and I will nothing get between them and me just as I will not anybody or anything to change or spoil my moving plans.

In the meantime I will have some rice, until it's my time for rice... Or I could watch the 너를 않을거야 26 Year's Diary which is true story about Lee Su Hyon's love for a Japanese woman and his life until his tragic and too soon death on January 26th 2001... Su Hyon actually died when he tried to rescue a man who had fallen onto the railway tracks of the Train East Japan Railway Shin at Okubo Station on the on the Yamanote Line. In the drama  Lee Tae - Sung and Makii portrays the Korean  Japanese young couple.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I seriously doubt that there will be a near end of the Korean conflict which hasn't ended officially despite the fact that it has lasted for over 60 years now. I'm at least not confident that a reunification of the Korean peninsula is near, because South Korea has been doing pretty well and is now considered one of Asia's leading economies while the same can't be said for its Northern neighbour...

For South Korea it would be detrimental if North Korea fell, because it would mean that North Koreans would try to escape to South Korea which most likely would cause the South Korean economy to slowdown its progress...

Although North Korea presently still is an autocrazy Americans is currently negotiating and lobbying for a new Korean adoption law which would allow US citizens to adopt North Korean infants, babies and children...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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새해 복 많이 받으세요 !!! ^^ Happy New year (again), today marks the start of the Lunar New Year and the year of the Dragon which apparently is the most powerful creature out of them all in the Chinese sodiac... And moreover it's supposedly known or believed that babies born in the year of the dragon are more fortunate in life then those children born in the year of the sheep... A Chinese babyboom ahead soon, perhaps...

Which would mean that Japan, Korean and other Asian countries might see more children being born... And as for Cina at least many women do want more then one child so maybe it's the same for Korean women too...

I know many people way Chinese New Year, but I like the English expression Lunar New Year far more better since the Asian New Year is celebrated according to the Lunar calendar and does not really place that big a deal on China. And no Korean's doesn't like China or Japan that much based on historic happenings which has had a big influence and impact on Korea.

If you believe the Mayan calendar maybe you fear that the 21st December will be the end of the world, and of life as we know it... Or could it be that the upcoming year 2013 will look completely different, would it even be the start of the 6th discourse ?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Although it happened several years ago I can still remember all those hurtful words and comments and the laughing and the smiles. I was bullied in school which probably is why I these days see myself with their eyes. I've tried to look passed it but it's hard, things from ones childhood can really determine what person you become as an adult.

I know I'm not the only one that was bullied as a child, it's really easy to be when you're another ethnicity because you stick out you can never hide or just melt in. Then of course people seemed to bother quite a lot about me being adopted, told me things like I should go back to where I came from and that my mum and dad wasn't really my real parents.

I know children can be cruel not just because they always say what's on their mind, I wish more people could be like that more honest and not beat around the bush. A child can act a certain way and still become a nice person as an adult I know that. But even so I still have a hard time getting passed all that's in the past because honestly speaking it made me feel very sad. Like I didn't deserve things, now I know better at least that's what I try to tell myself. I was born therefore I deserve everything my heart desires and I shouldn't have to feel bad about it. Yet people are surprised when they see me in person but that's just because they don't know about my childhood I suppose.

That's one reason why I liked my stay in Korea and meeting all other KADS from all over the world, we understood each other. But I never told them about my childhood or anything like that but still I felt happy, calm and secure.

So no I don't really like Sweden or at least not the place where was raised, maybe because it's sort of like a Swedish suburb. And that's another reason for wanting to move abroad back to my birth country even though I don't expect things to be easier. But still...

Adopted children don't choose their new parents or where they grow up, they basically have no say. 

Sorry but that's the cold hard truth don't like it, then don't keep reading...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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