亚洲女孩

I am an Asian girl woman.
I don't know Chinese or Japanese just because I'm Asian.
나는 중국어 또는 일본어 모른다.

Asian languages are not similar.
Knowing one language does not make fluent in all.

Yes, rice is a staple food in most Asian cultures but it's not the only food.
Asians, does not love rice just because they are Asian or supposed to be in their DNA.

나는 한국어 입니다.  
나는 밥을 좋아하지.나는 밥을나는 밥을 좋아하지 않는다좋아하지 않는다. 

虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず

I want to live my life without fears.
Mistakes makes you grow.

Kiene Langewiele

As an adult adoptee there are many things I refuse to make a family tradition. Obviously adoption would be one of them. If I ever start a family with someone I rather do it with another Asian. I'm patriotic that way, preferably Korean although a Chinese or Japanese would be allright too. I dream of having a child that has my genes and whose etnicity would be Korean, or maybe Asian as in Chinese or Japanese...


I think of myself as a rebel, and I refuse to share my life with anyone who doesn't understand what it means to be a female Asian adoptee and a KAD. I consider myself fairly flexible yet that is my most important value that I will not accept any compromises on.

Non, Je ne Regrette Rien

Apparently there is a common understanding that if a young child experiences trauma it will most likely affect them. Some say the only remedy is regressional therapy that would help you re-experience said trauma and by doing so you can resolve it...
Not sure if it's true or not all I know is that I can't seem to shake off my past...

I don't want to live a life with regret. I don't want to have a past filled with regrets.
Yet it is better to regret past actions than never having tried.

Always on My Mind

If I don't get after my dream then I will always be on my mind.
Of course I could always settle and try to contempt-but I would never be it.
Most likely I would turn into an angry bitter woman and that should say a lot.
I am not willing to sacrifice my dream for anyone not even if I gain unconditional love in return.
Not until I tried my best would be inclined to consider recreating a new life under new circumstances.

I just think a lot about my birth mother and my olders sisters. Now I know that it is my mother that somehow is accountable for their nonexistant contact with me. My maternal grandmother refused me the oppertunity be raised with my older siblings. I have been rejected by three generations of women in my birthfamily and also two generations of men.

Off The Wall

Rumors. Facts. Truth. 

I want to resettle in Korea.

Why? How come ? Similar questions is what I recieve from anyone a stranger or someone who thinks they have a right to have an opinion my life and my choices. 

That could not be more wrong. I know what I am and the little culture I have been exposed to is not enough. Not a society that only halfheartedly is willing to accept you under certain curcumstances.

Society wants me to reject my origin, my proud heritage and my culture. 

I have been given a new one I should fully embrace it. Believe me I have and still I am not fully accepted. I was forced to learn the customs of a foreign culture and now I have to choose. Either fully adjust into it or make a concious choice not to.

For my entire life I have lived a life that people think they have a right to have opinions on and to offer advice usually of discouragement. I will never be fully accepted in a society that is supposed to be my home this exactly why it does not feel like my home.

The parents who raised me, that I call mum and dad will never replace the parents that I should have had. Instead they are the next best thing, but I love my mum and dad tremendously - but there will always be a part of me that I lost and always will miss...

Slipping Through My Fingers

I know what I want and how to get it. I cannot rest and settle down until my soul find peace and my heart discovered happiness that lies within. To me life is so extremely short-that we only have one chance to reach our dreams and full potential. I will not let this just slip through my fingers because I may only get one shot.

To me my lifedream is my number one priority-I will sacrifice a stable future and even love to reach my dream.

For 15 years I was separated and detached from them, 15 years ago I found them and got to know them. But no matter what I lost 15 years, years that I never will get back. I have been in reunion with my birth family for half my life. Which is not easy I should add, I am the second youngest child and youngest daughter out of eight.

Let It Be

Let Me Be
The Me
I Was
Meant to Be
The Person That
I Once
Was Supposed
To Be

Is it not ironic that I have a yearning and a life long dream to resettle in Korea, try my wings and search for happiness and luck -while one of my sisters did exactly the opposite. She did not marry a Korean man, nor did she settled in Korea she built a future overseas.

The culture that I long to know better and love tremendously she choose to reject and cast aside.  For reasons I am not sure off she decided to marry a foreign man. She knows the culture that we both are proucts of she knows what she dislikes about. Whereas I cannot reject or dislike anything Korean it is a part of me. If I reject it, I ignore a part of me.

I cannot change what happened or undo my adoption . I cannot disolve my adoption (it's supposedly not possible). Whould I even want to..? One part of me wants to do it, and another part doesnt' think its worth it. That would cause more pain for one or both of my families plus it was almost 29 years ago I was relinguished for adoption.

Plus I don't even know for sure if my birth ceritificate is real (social study).

Aura

My aura and soul was born through my mother's tears and pain. Her soul gave birth to me a daughter that she never could call hers. Because of this my mother's aura must be pure. White as snow and innocent. I do not blame her in any way, I can hold nothing against her. She gave me life, I am a part of her.

I am searching for the thing I lost, my social heritage that I lost because I was adopted... My biological heritage does no longer match my social heritage. That is my biggest sorrow but it is not something that I can regret because I had nothing to do with it. I was just born by a mother that never was to be my mum.

Who is to blame for my soul's trauma... Because it is traumatic for a newborn infant or animal to be separated from it's mother to soon after birth.... That's why experts does not recommend you to buya kitten that's younger than 12 weeks or 8 weeks for a puppy. Removing it too soon from it's mother will most likely disturb the animals natural development not to mention the anti bodies it will lack and lose because of not being able to feed from it's mother.

Why are not children treated with the same respect?

A Man Just Like My Father...

People say  the chances you end up with someone like your father is pretty high or like your mother if you happen to be a male...

This means I might fancy a layed back openminded, guy who values honesty and justice. Someone who laughs and joke around a lot and who seem to to still be true to his childish side. Or a man just like Oppa which means my heart would be content with a superstitious man, who loves children and who jokes around a lot.

Maybe I'll fancy a man like my dear mum, sensitive and caring person with the heart in the right place. Omma's values could also be what I'm looking for in a future boyfriend and potential husband; a strong man who protects and look after his loved ones, someone with a really big heart that has sacrificed a lot for their family. Someone who are close to their parents and siblings and values family.

A Swedish tiger with cool layed back style and openminded mind. Who doesn't really speak that much.
A Korean ninja who are protected of his loved ones, who knows what he wants. Who doesn't care much.

No I don't know, I'm not certain I just know what my heart and soul don't want.
I need someone who can understand me I guess, that respects me enough to accept me without wanting to change me into something I'm not. I can't be only Swedish or 100% Korean because I'm not.

Maybe It Would Have Been Easier...

...if I hadn't been born as a female.

Allow me to explain myself; I don't really wish I were born as a male and I certainly don't aspire to become a male. No. That's not what I mean.

Sometimes it does seems to me that males have it much easier since a large part of society are patriarchies. And I sometimes imagine that Omma and Appa would have kept me-instead of relinquishing me for adoption. But then again my younger brother may never have been born and I wouldn't be me. As in the person that I am now.

No, this is toxic thinking and old familiar thinking of mine, I can no longer allow myself to think like that.

I know this is a thinking pattern that is doing me more bad than good, but sometimes I just can't help it. Now, I don't want to be a victim any longer - refuse to see myself as a victim.

 I am a strong, intelligent, talented and independent woman. I should be proud of who I am- I am proud of who I am.

아줌마 ahjumma 화이팅 hwaiting. ㄱㄱㄱ

Blurred Lines

I don't know who I am , I no longer fit into the mold. I can't handle my mum and dad's expections any longer because I no longer agree with them. I feel like I'm closer to my birth family, somehow yet not quite or in the sense I'd like the most. But I still like really really spicy food and especially Omma's or Onni's cooking. I also prefer to listen to K-pop and dress like a Korean woman.

I also believe in human rights and that women should be able to get the same healthcare regardless of nationality or poverty. They should also have access to education and be able to choose for themselve when and whom to marry.

I love my Abeoji and Omma, is that not alright?
아버지와 어머니를 사랑. 괜찮아요.

And I'm also proud to be Korean, proud of who I am and where I come from. Is that not ok?

한국을 사랑합니다. 괜찮아요.

I also love my older sisters, where is it not allowed?

나의 자매를 사랑합니다.괜찮아요.

Of course I love my younger brother too, when is it not accepted ?

내 동생을 사랑합니다.괜찮아요

The In-Between

Being in reunion with your birth family is something that I always dreamed of, longed for, desired and hoped for. Now when I finally are - sort of, I am ever so frustrated. Why you may ask ? I am frustrated because of how society looks upon people like myself, yes I am an adult adoptee - I didn't emigrate on my own, it wasn't my decision - to be separated from my birth parents or to be forced to live with strangers for the rest of my life. I never wanted to learn another language, to be raised in another culture.

Now that I am, I feel like my dear mum and dad are so afraid and scared to death of losing me, losing me to my original family the one that should have raised me. But I also know they love me yet I sometimes get so extremely irritated and annoyed at them... Society doesn't welcome or encourage people like me - I know that. Well, they do but only to a certain point.

Wanting to relocate, moving back, changing your citizenship all of those things are throwned upon.
I now don't know where I fit in, I don't feel Swedish yet I know I am, I find it hard to relate to my birth parents and siblings even though I just want to whisper that I love them. Because I think like this, I feel like I'm almost not welcome any longer in my own native country - to be frank it's the only culture and country that I know. It's almost like they don't want to recognize me or acknowledge me any longer.

All because of a very logical wish to reconnect and find my birth family.

Going Back To School

돌아 가지대학.

Did you think I completely forgot my unfinished studies ? Trust me, I havn't. Fact is I'm trying to go back to school and try to finish what I started.

I had one sub course left before I could request a college degree and then I had another semester on top of that left. After that there were only one more semester left before I would get my Bachelor degree in Social Sciences.

However I am going to not move ahead of plans this time, taking it one step at a time. I basically already have a Bachelor thesis written, with minor adjustments. The plan was to move back home and study Korean language for a year. I'm not going to try another time with my Korean just yet , I'll try to finish my Social Sciences first and then I'll reconsider Korean language studies or possibly look into other options.

Hwaiting ^.^ kkkk

Where Do I Belong

어디에 속하십니까
내가 지금까지 발견 할 것이다 집에 전화하는 장소.
여기서 우리 집이다.  영혼은 평화를 원한다.
 마음은 휴식하고 다시 신뢰하고 싶어.
내가 무엇을 찾고 발견
되고 싶어.

Where do I belong... ?
Will I ever find a place to call my home ?
My soul just wants peace and my heart requests rests and to believe again. 
Why is it so hard to find my one true home... 
A place where I can be allowed to be myself, to blossom , trust and believe again. 
Believe in the good in humankind. 
I just want to be accepted as the person that I am, why is such a place so hard to find ?
Please show me the respect that you seek in return, the least you can demand is respect. 
See me for the person that I am, acknowledge me. Show me that I am important and matter too. 
Tell me that life will get better, this cannot be it. There must be something more, something else something better. Better than all this, I deserve nothing but the best.