I've spent a lot of time watching a Korean TV-show called I Missed That Person, which is similar to Swedish shows like Saknad and Spårlöst Försvunnen and after having seen several adoptees reaching out in hopes of finding something or someone that can prove their existance I conclude that as adoptees we all share one unfortunate thing. Namely rejection, by accident or choice the result is still the same.
It also seems like most birth families didn't understand what the consequences would be once they had signed the adoption consent.
Most of the clips were found on youtube and as I soon learned that most of the adoptees came from the US or at least knew English I forced myself too watch clips with French, German and every other clip that I could find regardless of language.
Many adoptees wasn't fortunate enough to find the answers they were looking for, it was at least shown on the show. As I am supposed to be happy and content seeing that I have been reunited and meet my birth family, this is only partially true.
The things I know is that I was born and instantly rejected and placed at an orphanage after a few months I was ultimately adopted too Sweden. What I didn't know back then or until recently was that my birth parents at one point in time regreted their decision to place me up for adoption. Maybe they thought and believed I never would be sent overseas for adoption or be raised at the orphanage at which point it would be possible for my parents to rewrite their wrong.
Since reunion new questions has arised;
When did you realize your mistake ? What made you search for me and how long did it take? When did you understand that I was gone and no longer legally considered your child? Did you never realize or understand that consent for adoption also meant a possibility of getting a new family overseas? Did you ever know that I was sent to be raised in Sweden as someone else's daughter? Was I never meant to recieve your unconditional love? Was I that unworthy ?
Soo you see I would prefer to live on unknowingly about my past but then I remember what the truths meant to me, but the truth does not seem priceless it has a price. Too me that price means I'm forced to learn Korean in order to reclaim my place as the almost daugter and sister. Yet I've realized that I never can establish that natural bond and relationship that exists between siblings or more particularly sisters.
Our upbringings and childhoods was as different to each other that one possibly could imagine. My siblings had to help our parents while I was spending most of my time inside watching TV, painting and what ever else.
Sometimes life isn't fair, when I watch the adoptees calling out the few Korean phrases too get their relatives on stage I instantly tear up. Lastly, I think there might be a difference between those adoptees that has been fortunate enough to find their families too become to demanding almost selfish, expecting too much while the unlucky adoptees still might seem humble surviving on hope and the thought that maybe one day they will be able to if not meet finding the answers that waited for.
I am afterall a reunited adoptee with 10 times more questions, and the answers that I get only seems to be fragments of the truth. I should stop asking all those questions and be content with what I have. I know that, but why then is it so difficult to suppress my burning questions?
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Questions
Uncertainties
Koreans
Illusion
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