Diamond In The Rough

 Adoptees aren't really messed up people, if anything they would be diamonds in the rough.
Think about it, adoptees suffers from the ultimate separation sometimes already after birth maybe several times. To be separated from your birth parents shifted between several people, wouldn't that make anyone slightly more likely to develop issues ?

Are biological children that are raised by their birth parents or kept in the birth family less pron to psychological issues ? Are (we) they really overrepresentated in statistics ? Why aren't the happy adoptees found in any statistics ? Because I know they exist, my brother would be a perfect example.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Pain And Greif

Tears

Adoption Not For Everyone

I am sure that there are people (not just one that don't really approve of inter country adoption. Myself included, and I confess that I do have a possibly biased and contradictory opinion regarding it. But if you don't approve of international adoption would you then accept a same sex couple adopting your child ?

And please, I do welcome comments but don't bring religion into this discussion.

While I've heard of many adoptees and KADs trying to change Korea's adoption system this is how far equality has developed in Sweden.

For a few years now it has been possible for Swedish citizens to seek approval or consent for international adoption no longer exluding homosexuals or same sex couples. As far as I know there has been many hopeful applicants but so far only one couple has been given the green light. Of course many countries is not going to accept a homosexual couple as parents for their children, so it seems as if the only option left is to try to adopt domestically or do like some Swedish celebrities has done: pair up with another homosexual (lesbian) couple. That way you'll help another hopeful couple to become parents...
If you're a lesbian couple you have a few more options you could quite easilly become a parent by an assisted pregnancy were the actual man and woman don't have to meet.

No need to go into boring and detailed descriptions since that's not the really the point within this particular post.

Is same sex couples less suited as parents ?
As far as I know the main problem for these prospective parents is that no agency/state willingly would surrender their child to couples like that. We have very strict laws and legal regulations when it comes to adoption and domestic adoption wouldn't be an option either since they're not that common in Sweden to be honest. Being gay and adoptive parent isn't something appricated or accepted yet... Things could be different in the States compared to Sweden.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Adoptee Arrival

Adoption And Religion

Kimchi,Bread And Meatballs

No it's not some peculiar food and taste combination, although it could be and maybe those different dishes actually goes well toghether... What goes with kimchi and what goes with meatballs ? Do they marry each other flavorvise ? It happens to be the name of my new nonblogger blog which I already started.

Here's my new blog which I already started, I have yet to decide what to write about. It's the same address as the name of this blog, but has another title. So all those who can't read or open blogger, it's now finally your turn to read about my life.

By the way I've recently realized that you really need to follow instructions when baking something but you can actually be more creative when cooking. I used to make potatoe gratine by slicing potaties and then pour the cream but, I've since learned that preboiling potatoes in cream, garlic, black pepper and salt is way better.

I really enjoy baking and cooking and the more complicated dishes the better, but of course I do know my limit. Like the other day when I made dinner for the family it was potatoe gratine, pork loain with homemade bearnaise. It was my first attempt ever trying to make that gravy and it did turn out pretty well for my first try, and it was acceptable so I didn't have to toss it away. When you make home bearnaise you keep the sliced onions but when you get it in a restaurant or buy the ready made product there's no onions !

But if you somehow could escape the smell from standing behind the stowe I think I would cook even more, but baking's no problem it's the smell from cooking food that really annoys me. It sticks to your clothes and your hair too, and of course you could change your clothes and wash your hair, but really what's the point if you risk serving cold food then ?

Yesterday it was finally time to turn our watches into summer time and it also coinsided with Earth Hour, which my parents decided to partake in but not with total dedication. They cheated and watched TV, with the rest of the house completely black ! I think you either should decide to join in or ignore not almost do something.



© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I think its safe too say that I really do live on the country side, because why else would this little guy visit your home? I didn't even have to go into the forrest searching for it, it came to me... Ok, I confess mum regularly feeds the birds and other wild life creatures like this raindeer I suppose. 

We also have pheasants quite regularly, but we don't have actual polar bears walking around on the streets. If you want to share a sidewalk with a polar bear I suggest you either visit; Northern Alaska, Greenland, Siberia or the arctic islands outside Canada . But don't visit Sweden and expect to see a polarbear they don't live here anymore !?

The other day I once again was reminded that I really do reside at the countryside, what happened was that a big bird was targeting my cat, luckily my dad heard the nose and came outside just in time. But my cat wasn't hurt, no the cat is no longer allowed outside in the evening or in the dark hours...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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The Truth Behind Jante

Did you know that Jante really isn't a law ? Truth is the term Jante was coined by Norwegian writer Aksel Sandemose and further presented in his book from 1933 En Flykting Korsar Sitt Spår An Emigrant Crosses His Trail.

The ideas presented in the book was somehow adapted and incoporated into Swedish society, so it's an unoffical law. Below the 10 commandments of Jante;

1. Never believe you're someone special.
2. Don't believe you're as wholesome as anybody else.
3. You should not think you're any wiser than anybody else.
4. Don't believe you're more valuable compared to someone else.
5. Never believe you're god allmighty.
6. Don't start believing that you're worth more than anybody else.
7. You're not good enough for anything.
8. Never laugh at someone.
9. Don't get ideas into your head that someone actually cares about you.
10. Never believe you can teach someone something.

However younger generations those born in the late 90s and 00s especially but also older generations has started to shift away from this Jante thinking and unfortunately it has been replaced by pure egoism and selfcentrism, I forgot to mention that before.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


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Tummen And Laban

Let me introduce Tummen (Tumb print look at the shape) and Laban to you, they are two of my childhood friends from when I was very young. I was positively surprised to see these guys in the store it brought back really found memories and almost made me want to wish I was that young again. Young enough to be in possession of cuddle doll or snuttefilt.

Their destination will be Canada and Korea. Yesterday I sent a recommended package to Korea for 90 SEK, it would only take about a week.. Pretty amazing yet disturbing how the international mail is faster than the Swedish mail (sometimes).

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Things To Do Nr 2

Happy Waffle Day! Yes, today is another one of those days that us Swedes are so crazy about. This means that easter is approching, and yes there's celebration days for other foods which I don't know of but that would only be because they are fairly unknown.

Below is a list of what I currently is planning to do very soon

1. Cut my hair
2. Buy a gift
3. Make some toys
4. Finish my thesis
5. Study
6. Bake some cakes
7. Continue on my secret project

Yesterday I came across the sweetest candy shop, and since they had started displaying Easter treats and decorations I accidentally believed Easter was really soon and I ended up buying three cones of chocolate. Turns out Easter isn't until 20th of April this year, oh I guess a little chocolate can't hurt. At least the Easter candy is already bought.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Love Is Blind

I'm tired of this talk about race, so what if I'm Asian, Chinese, Japanese or Korean.Since my epiphany, I've realized that maybe it's not a Korean man that I'm looking for, if I at all am looking for someone, maybe I shouldn't even focus on Asia so much.

I went through my statistics and noticed one visitor from China... I thought China always blocks google and subsequently blogger to ? Maybe my blog isn't blocked then as I initally believed, well then there would be no reason for me to consider a blogmove... What about my resently created blog, I guess I'll keep it for now and hopefully I'll find out weither or not this blog is blocked in China. Before then I'll not make any decision about my newest blog, although a blogmove isn't that attractive right now.

Actually, I don't really care what ethnicity my future supposed partner would be as long as he is nice, able to understand me and maybe share some if not all of my values. I will defy this generalization which says that I should based on my ethnicity, (only be interested in other Asians) or more importantly Koreans. I didn't realize that a genuine Korean man would be spoiled and patriarchial, more so than say a Chinese man...

Of course this an open confession influenced by my prejudices and generalizations of Korean men, and I'm aware of the fact that there might be exceptions and secondly, this prejudices says nothing about Korean men's ability to care. I know quite a few Korean men and they are all very caring and loving.

More importantly I'm not like them, as long as my future significant other is a human being not someone on four legs with a tail, not an alien from Mars or someone with gill, who only can survive in water I would be satisfied.

I started realize what traits that I'm definately not hoping to find my future spouse that's for sure, and no I will not mention those here that would be sort of pointless since I don't use this blog to pick up boys, or young men . Men.

Just learned of a case where a friend is suwing another friend because he broke the promse of not growing a mustasch. This happened in Sweden, and as expected the charges were dropped and it never got to court... I wonder if they still are friends..


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Italian Bread

Above Foccacio, recepie here and yes it's a Swedish recepie...

The picture above as well as the ones below is as you might have guessed some kind of bread, probably

Italian... Can anyone guess what this dough will become ? Focus on the Italian bit here.

Almost done all you need now is to shape it before its going in the owen... Oh, it's a very famous Italian bread one that is suited for picnicks and outings and works excellent as a lunch.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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The Epiphany

Some time ago I was in contact with other adoptees and the experience was enlightening but scary and I realized a few things. Just because we supposedly have something in common, that doesn't mean we all share the same values, and yes I also learned that some of them I will not name anyone where plain rude and seemed to have contradictive opinions.


Maybe I shouldn't say this... but I'll take my chances.

If it means  I need to share the same values, then I'm really sorry but then I would wish I could turn back time... I'm proud to be Korean, but lately I've also begun to feel ashamed, can't specify exactly why. (At least not here).

I might have less in common with Korean adoptees, maybe even adoptees too, I was greatly mistaken it seems maybe I should widen my search to include all nationalities not just Korean adoptees... But I'm still not ready to accept Swedes into my bloglist or people who blog in Swedish. I'm just not there yet maybe I'll never be...

Coincidentally this happens to be my 250th post Correction, this happens to be my 225th post not 250th which means I missed my 200th post. Over 200th post mark that's only positive I hope, which might not be something really worth celebrating but it's still an achivement and that's something, I suppose. It just so happens that today is the start of spring since it is vernal equinox, meaning that we go from winter time to summer time.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


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Language Struggle

I'm not sure what I percieved that my attempts to learn Korean would lead too.. but it is so far really, really frustrating. I have all this motivation and inspiration and I am eager to learn but it's harder than I thought it would be. I think I'll have start watching Korean dramas again, which I stopped doing when I started studying since I didn't have the time for it. What a contradiction, but watching Korean dramas is not that hard to do. It is fun, and you get a hint about pronounciation and supposedly spelling too. Which I desperatly need to improve like yesterday.

 I could also try to translate the letters I've gotten from my siblings, potentially this will prove to be the most time consuming part. I do expect more frustration to occur...

I'm not willing to give up just yet as this seems to be the only way for me to be able to have a potentially more ordinary relationship with my siblings and also would be benefital to me when or if I decide to apply for Korean citizenship and live an independent life in South Korea.

But has the tsunami, earth quake and more importantly nuclear disaster affected Korea? I'm not sure, I so far havn't gotten any indication whatsoever. I believe it could be closing in on Japan very soon if it hasn't done so already...


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Almost There

I'm almost there now, remember the thing I said I was planning but didn't want to spell out? Anyways it's almost achived, the wheels are now in moition and the ball is rolling...

A few days ago the snow returned for a second time but today it is starting to melt away... Spring is approching yet it seems as if I'm not feeling as one might expect that you should feel when it's spring.

I think that the loss of a birth family might be even more apparent when there's siblings involved. In my case I have several both older (obviously) but also younger and they're all my birth siblings, we have the same Omma and Appa. When I think of my siblings which I do several times a week once a day maybe, then I also end up thinking about my parents. That wound might never heal, but it is starting to become easier to think about and ultimately talk about.

I just realized that blogger is probably blocked in China, which actually didn't dawn on me until now... So I'm faced with decision of a possible blogmove but I don't know when or what to change to. But must importantly I don't think this blog is old enough yet.. so that will be a decision I'll have to postphone until later. When the time is right so to say, and I will probably keep this blog just for the sake of it. No, but I have put in a lot of effort on it so it would seem like a waste to completely shut it down and delete it is out of the question.

The moon is still full, which feels a bit extra special for some reason, can't really tell why.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Adoption And Religion

To avoid misunderstands, I rarely make room for any religious or more importantly Christian things on this blog for obvious reasons. This particular post is therefore to be seen as an exception, because international adoption as it is known, percieved and judged in the Western world was originally a Westernized and Christian concept.

Secondly the views on adoption is not the same as in the rest of the world. To Westerners an adoption means to cut all ties and relations with the birth country and birth family at once and forever. While the general view of adoption in the rest of the world means that it would be possible for the birth parents to take back their child or children, the child keeps the family surname and right to inherit and the ties with the birthfamily is maintained throughout the child's life.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Candy Land

The recepie for these ingredients can be found here 

First batch of Cinnemon Rolls for 2011. 

This chocolaty treat is named Rocky Road like the ice cream, same ingredients as in the first picture.  

I've also attempted to make Key Lime Pie, which really isn't that sweet, if you exclude the sweet vanilla cream... And since I can't get Key Limes, I used regular green limes and changed the sweetened milk to 1/2 milk 2/3 cream instead...

By the way it's not supposed to look that, but the taste was nice...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Equality Despite Difference

Maybe the ultimate thing would be for adoptive parents to make no distinction separation or alike between raising their biological children and their adopted ones.

My mum, never made any difference between us the children she was given compared to the children that she never had. And I believe her. But even so there still is a significant difference betweeen parenthood by biology and parenthood from adoption. The first factor would be biology and race, second one would be the cultural aspect different culture with a different language there might be other traditions and so on.

What adoptive parents seems to lack, ignore or be unaware of is that it really doesn't matter how much they love and ache for their new family member given the fact that the child might be a transracial adoptee. He or she is almost certainly going to experience racism and prejudices and there's no protection against that and also a limited knowledge and sadly preparations too.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Native Language

Is my mother tongue Swedish or Korean? I know my mother tongue should be Korean, but I wasn't raised by Koreans or lived inside Korea. Instead I've lived in the West, Europe, Scandinavia or more particularly Sweden (exactly where I'll never tell you).

Would I have stayed in Korea my mother tongue would have been Korean and then my second language would probably be Chinese or Japanese and only my third language would be Korean.

But what if Swedish is my mother tongue? Then could you still call Korean my native language or is Korean instead a third langugage or maybe even random foreign language?


Honestly would it be possible to say that a language you've been forced to learn as a replacement for language lost, the language that you never knew... wouuld that really qualify to be called one's native language or mother tongue..


A Korean not only speaking some weird rare language not only on a daily basis but where it actually happens to be the language used everyday... That too me isn't normal it's a forced action by adoption. And yes my native language is Swedish which I speak fluently.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Kitchen Experiments á la Julia Child

Happy White Day (or Black Day for those of you who are singles, involuntary or intentionally)... And it might be hard to feel happy in times like this, relating to the current situation in Japan. I feel for you, but I can't say that I really know what its like... It is still White Day today despite the current situation although I'm not sure how many will celebrate this date this year...

As you might know by now I do enjoy baking both bread and pastries but I also do fancy cooking, so this will be my first post ever of food and recepies. But unfortunately I havn't found any recepies for black food (seeing that it's Black Day) do you happen to know any recepies of black food ?

After some thinking I remember that we have some black Swedish typical food; blodpudding  black pudding and kalops Scotch kallops...

In terms of kitchen icons I would say that Julia Child did much to increase the popularity of cooking and especially French food. I am a big fan of cooking movies like No Reservations featuring Catherine Zeta Jones,  Eat, Pray , Love with Julia Roberts, Its Complicated featuring Meryl Streep which also held the main part in Julie and Julia, the movie about none other than Julia Child.

So my first kitchen experiments resulted in something as peculiar as Cheese Icecream  and Chocolate Soup with Chocolate Parfait, sorry there's no link any recepies I've got from a Swedish book. And by the way the Icecream recepie is a Swedish recepie.

Here's a link to Chocolate Soup recepie but it's not the one I used, and yes another Swedish recepie.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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화이트데이

Tomorrow it's White  Day which is a day when Korean women are courted by the men , in comparison to Valentine's Day which in Korea is a day when women give gifts to their significant other. But fact is, in Korea they have celebrations for every occassion not just the ordinary ones for example one week, one month, monthly, annually and so on. They might celebrate first meeting, first kiss and first date and so on.

Even though I can't be sure one thing is certain, in Korea there's almost one occiassion to celebrate at least weekly while the same can't be said for Sweden. We celebrate name day's, birthdays, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, Halloween, engagements and weddings. Like those wouldn't be enough.

Oh, and by the way try not to sneeze when on the computor as peculiar things can happen then... Accidentally I turned of the sound once and even inactived the network card...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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A Little Bit Of Everything

Please be aware of the fact that this post may contain information that for some might be considered sensitive.... Please think if you really want to read this post as it contains information about Japan's current situation.... As for now I will not make this post password protected but I may consider it later on...

Unlike the previous post this post will begin with some reports of the disaster in Japan, apparently the location of Japan was swithched two metres. And the latest earthquake in Japan was the largest in Japan's history. As a consequence a nuclear plant disaster might occur and in many cities entire populations is missing as is the case with the Japanese city Minamisonriku were as many as 10.000 is recorded as missing. And as many 200000 is estimated to have become homeless a result of the earthquake and tsunami and apparently the aftershakes from the earthquake might last for years to come. It is estimated to reach Hawaii soon.... Recently three Japanese nuclear plants experienced difficulties with the cooling system and there's been at least two nuclear disasters.

Below is a list of similiar nuclear disasters and as noted Fukoshima accident is not listed here, that is because it is still very sensitive a high death toll and thousands either homeless or missing or both. Secondly we have yet to see the outcome and effects... Also this list, is not made to provoke or upset it was intended as an educational aspect only...

• Chalk River, Ontario Canada (1952)
•  Windscale, Cumberland, Great Britain (1957)
•  Chalk River, Ontario Canada (1958)
• Vinca, Yugoslavia (1958)
• Santa Susana Field Laboratory, California (1958)
•  Charlestown, Rhode Island (1964)
•  Monroe, Michigan (1966)
• Soviet icebreaker Lenin (1966 - 1967)
•  Dumfries and Galloway, Scotland (1967)
•  Lucens Canton of Vaud, Switzerland (1969)
•  Jasolvské Bohunice Czechoslovakia (1977)
• Middletown Dauphin County, Pennsylvania (1979)
•  Orleans, France (1980)
•  Tsuruga, Japan (1981)
•  Buenos Aires, Argentina (1983)
• Hamm - Uentorp , Germany (1986)
• Greifswald, Germany (1986)
•  Prypiat Ukraine, Chernobyl (1986)
•  Tomsk, Russia (1993)
•  Ishikawa, Japan (1999)
• Ibaraki Prefecture, Japan (1999)
•  Paks, Hungary (2003)
•  Sellafield, England (2005)
•  Braidwood, Illinois (2005)
• Erwin, Tennessee (2006)

Although I live in Sweden, entire news broadcasts is currently devoted to the Japanese disaster. Meanwhile Sweden is preparing for its 53th election of this year's Swedish finalist in Eurovision song contest (kown as the Melody Contest but the Swedish name Melodifestival sounds much better to me). And as it happens last year Sweden was placed on its lowest place 26th, last year's winner was Anna Bergendahl with This Is My Life. This year Eric Saade or Danny Saucedo with their songs Popular and In The Club. Not unsuprisingly, Eric Saade took first place with his song Popular but why did he have to smash that glass!? Sanna Nielsen's song was very nice, Swingfly preformed a cathy rap song and then there was the choir who sung a catchy 60s inspired song and there was also a heavy song that was about domestic violence. Im not convinced that Saade's song will stand a chance in Germany later this year...

As for politics the Swedish Social Democratic Party is making final preparations for election of its new Party leader and the unknown Hakan Juholt from Oscarshamn. He might be their only suggested nominee but there is still little known about his personal conviction being either this or that. So from Mona Sahlin to Hakan Juholt, the development and progress seems more like a reversed development. Is this really 2011 !?

I so wish I could tell you all about some funny stories that occured to me recently, but there's something holding me back. But claiming to be Korean while taking a Korean language course might prove to be further complicated if said teacher is a Korean citizen.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Is There An End

Apparently there has been a really large earthquake and tsunami in Japan yesterday, and unfortunately the death toll is expected to reach more than 1000... Although this post was supposed to be about adoption I felt like I needed to include that bit of news seeing that Japan being farely close to Korea was of some significance.

Is there an end to adoption? Yes, and no.

Personally speaking one could say that adoption for the adoptee only ends when the adoptee passes away. Or you might even want to say that adoption is eternal. I am not sure.

Many times people has been extra suspicious of me and my ethnicity, I've been mistaken for an immigrant which I know that I am in a way. But my native language is still Swedish but my appearance is that of an immigrant. The other day I was walking to the subway when a couple of cool boys started saying that it was so many foreigners in Sweden these days and then they continued on by saying

Niha i Sverige

I'm not sure but I think that means hello in either Chinese or possibly Japanese, incidentally an older Asian woman was walking some steps infront of me. And it did take me quite some time before I even realized what they were trying to say. Would you have been offended by such a greeting yourself ? I personally intially reacted with the belief that they somehow were racists, but thing is they shouldn't have said such a thing seeing that also looked like foreigners or immigrants.

Maybe, just maybe they were trying to be friendly be greeting two Asian women in a language they supposedly understood. But please Chinese, Japanese and Korean aren't similar but older generations of Koreans might have knowledge of Japanese because of it's long history and involvement and some may even know Chinese.

Since I have an exam soon let's hope I don't have to proclaim that I had seaweed soup.

Oh, and by the way I read message at the Swedish agency that helps to organize birth family searches that they're not going to accept new applications after 15th March... I guess I'm lucky I did when I did, but there are other ways I've heard like checking out goal Korea, they're on youtube too and maybe on facebook, but not that I would know.

If you have done a birth family search without getting to personal and detailed could you please tell me how you did? Did you do it with the help from your agency from a network or organization in Korea or by yourself?

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The Chosen One

I know I should be greatful, because people constantly tells me this... it almost never fails once they know I'm an adoptee. But there's a difference between an adopted child and a biological child which I will explain now; in adoption the adoptive parents are actually given a choice... do they want this particular child or not ? Do they think they can find someone better? Mostly, prospective parents accepts the recommended child in their first offer ( I hate how this sound like adoptees are nothing but items.)Please note that the statement above is based on my personal observation...

But truth to be told they have a choice to accept the recommended child or to reject it... This is why I argue that there is no luck and adoption definately shouldn't involve gratitude...

Furthermore I've realized that it sometimes seems like my adoptive parents, and again it's mostly mum, who manages to somehow insult or overlook my birth parents and let me tell you this is a big no no. If you're unlucky this could produce a very angry and resentful child who might consider disowning their adoptive parents. So no adoption isn't easy least not for the adoptee; for the adoptee it can be lifelong struggle... not that I'm trying to complain, ust explain and occiassionally I might generalize and complain. But try my best to have a positive outlook on life.

I think this is really upsetting, because my birth family don't know anthing of this secondly they can't defend themselves against any of the critique unless I would tell them... My birth parents have done nothing wrong, they did their best and even if they had been forced to give up other children for adoption in the past you're not the one to judge. It's not me that should be grateful, in fact I think it's you who should; you should be eternally grateful that my birth parents made the decision to relinquish me which enabled you to get costudy of me as your daughter.

I might be the chosen or rather I know so, but if there is a situation where my birth parents are put against my adoptive parents, I for sure know who I would pick. The same goes if Korea is compared to Sweden it's true that I prefer Sweden over Korea but if it's a competion or comparison Korea would always come out as the winner no matter what.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Benefits Of Being A Korean Woman

Believe it or not there are benefits of being a female KAD, one would be that since I'm a woman it would be possible for me to attain a dual citizenship without having to worry about the 25 month long mandatory military service. Korea hasn't made military service mandatory for Korean women, at least not yet... Maybe they never will...

Here's the thing you can apply for a dual Korean citizenship if you are inside Korea and it isn't gender selection although male KADs are usually having to comply to serving in Korean military once they become 20....

Above picture of Apple Banana Cupcakes which honestly tasted more banana nutmeg; but still very delicious. I also made Carrot Cupcakes and for the Cupcake dough I made the dough from a regular Cupcake recepie. There is a picture of those cupcakes as well but there in another camera.

No those are not any stones, its bread with hard crust but they're soft inside. Its a modified Swedish recepie containing sage. And my dad has stated that he is considering starting his own blog after his retirement.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Cat Chase

I know I might come of as to critical and negative at times, and that I tend to judge and criticize my mum a lot, based on what I write.. Truth is I really feel like not only my first trip back to my birth country and not to mention my first reunion was further complicated by the fact that my adoptive parents insisted of going with me...

Even though it in a way was a wonderful memory to share, I still to this day honestly believe that it further complicated things not only for me personally but also for my birth family. It was as if my life long desire was transformed into something similar to a family vacation and I wasn't allowed to fully experience this supposedly wonderful time since I had to be considerate of my mum and dad while still trying not to disappoint my birth family. Furthermore I believe it complicated and actually made my honest efforts and attempts to get closer to my birth family a lot harder just based on the fact that my mum and dad was with me.

I still can't seem to come to terms with the fact that they imposed on me (there intentions might have been created out of honesty..) but it still felt like my mum and dad also wanted to do this based on a selfish need and curiosity.

Yesterday I went to the screening of Black Swan starring Natalie Portman, Winona Ryder and Mila Kunis. At first it was a little hard to grasp but once I understood I realized its message; that you're often your own worst enemy...

Small side note international (American movies mostly) are screened way later than they are in the US. I think Sweden did get to show Sex and The City II and Spider Man II ( I think it was this movie), due to the volcano... I know we had the first show of Sex and the City II and at least another movie even before any other European country...

Oh, did you know we have a special screening of limited movies which allows parents to bring their infants to a movie ? Do you have this possibility in other countries? The thing is that I think they make planned breaks for nursing and diaper change in the saloon... Although I have yet to confirm this... Up until recently they only screened movies that were approved for children, but now they also screen movies with adult content. But your child has to be no older than one year...


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Duties For A Godmother

My dad informed the other day that one of the duties of a godmother means that you have responsibility of your God daughter or God son in the unfortunate event of both parents death... Would that be equal or similar to an adoption?

And why is it so that everything I mention; I have to to repeat once or twice to both my parents, are they only old and forgetful or do they simply not care about what's important and going on in my life... Oh, well I could be that boring I suppose. My brother really are the accomplished one, he has tons of things to do, many job oppertunites, a lot of friends and a longtime girlfriend. He's got everything I don't and sometimes I'm still jelaous of him...

There I said it out loud, being jelaous is a part of life and no I wouldn't say I'm childish or selfish based on that. If jelaousy equals childish and selfishness than I suppose I am and would argue that a lot of people are just that.


And I'm proud of my brother and love him dearly.

Below picture of Swedish Lenthen bun from a local bakery...

Today happens to be another Swedish tradition since its Lent and that means Lenthen bun, basically a bun filled with whipped cream and almond cream. Actually it wasn't only first day of Lent and Lenthen bun day but also Panncake Day, which I didn't know... So you could celebrate International Women's Day with either Lenthen bun or Panncakes, or both.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Tears Of Joy And Tears Of Sorrow

Mum, the more you try to press me against your chest, the tighter you hold on too me... the more I'm going too turn away from you. Don't ignore your fear, I know you're fear has materialized now, don't play charades acknowledge your pain and the truth as we both know it.

To you and dad I'm considered a miracle, but to someone else the loss or rather the timing of my birth meant separation, sorrow and despair. I was never meant to reast in your arms, I was made from someone else's flesh and blood. The very first words I heard before my birth was not words uttered by you or dad but rather by Omma and Appa, in a language I pressume I knew then but that I now no longer knows...

The tears you've cried for me was tears created out of joy, but the tears my Omma must have cried, she has been forced to keep inside her must have been established out sorrow and despair.

Two women, in different parts of the world, totally unaware of each other yet linked to one another by the very reason. Someone's joy is established because of someone else's tragedy. Let's not forget that.

They say water is thicker than blood, but to me blood is still thicker than water... But yet, mum rest assure thay you still have a place in my heart, but I'm should be capable of loving more than just you and dad. Mum, I don't blame you, it's possible that you're going through every adoptive parents nightmare... I'm sorry for causing you the pain, but I will not go back to the ways thing used to be before. That would be impossible.

This was supposed to go on yesterday's post but seeeing that already had achieved quite a length, I'll write it now instead. In Sweden we have an annual sking race which attracts many athlets from all over the world. In Swedish it is called Vasa Loppet after the King Gustav Vasa who is remembered as to having taken the same road centuries ago...

A few years the organizers have been forced to import snow, seeing that there was none left, yet only one year has the race had to be canceled due to complete lack of snow. This year's winners were Jorgen Brink and Jenny Hansson.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Devotion

I'll start by reassuring my supposed readers that luckily nothing happened between me and that old man, ehw.. he's even older than my dad. I think it comes down to the fact that I'm too polite sometimes and surprised, it wasn't like I delibrately went outside looking for a random old guy... I'm not that kind of girl, I happen to be Asian but I'm also very Swedish which means I wouldn't settle for just anything.

Devotion. I'm feeling devotion towards many things these days; fellow adoptees, to some extent Koreans, but mostly my birth family and especially my siblings and birth parents. However I wouldn't delibrately betray my younger brother (the one I've been raised with her in Sweden). I'll defend him and stand up for him, simply because I love him. So yes I am very much devoted to him too. Love and devotion comes hand in hand.

I've recently realised that there are fellow adoptees and KADs that chooses to adopt from their own birth country, until just a few months ago I couldn't seem to accept it let alone understand it. But now I think I might have started to, being adopted usually means you're raised in the Western world and every so often you're raised in a family of white Westerners. And based on my own experiences I'd say that it is likely for that child to feel peculiar since they generally don't resemble the parents and possible siblings (if they're not adopted from same country).

One way to numb that feeling is to let it fade away with motherhood; not that I'm a mother myself yet. Not even close. Another more concious choice is to adopt from same country, by doing this you might achieve fullfilment which might not even have been possible to achieve even with the thought of having your own baby.

It seems possible that any child an adoptee might have would be bircial child, Korean and Swedish in my case. This would mean that that child wold either be really similar to either one of the parents or both. But in comparison to a Korean child the child wouldn't seem that similar to its mother. In my case that would be Swedish and Korean yet that isn't 100 % certain since we live in a globalized world first and foremost, second Sweden nowadays consits of many different ethnicities.

This is pure speculations and observations, based on generalizations and published statistics. I know that there may be many exceptions, and hopefully I'll manage to write this post without stepping on any toes or irritating fellow adoptees and KADs. My intention isn't to start a debate I just want to write about my experiences, feeling and thoughts. Hopefully this is enough.

Also just because my awareness has expanded it doesn't mean I would consider adoption on a personal level even though I have no reason to complain about my childhood, upbringing or adoptive parents. But I still feel like there are things I like to discuss because if I don't than who should mention them besides me?

Why is it that I can't even go outside without being approched by slightly older men with hidden agendas? I'm so sick of this when this happens, it's not like I can return home change my clothes and then return. That's really annoying sometimes and most times.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Past Loves

My very first love, used to be a past love since my first past love used to by my Omma and Appa.., now I'd like to consider them my rediscovered love. Although, I never once stopped loving them; not even for a second.

I've for sure had my share of complex and selfdoubt because I don't resemble that general beauty norm instead I am one those exotic women with long dark hair, not black, brown eyes, double eyelids and olive skin kind of beauty. This means that I've met men all throughout my life that suffered from the yellow fever.

Now that I think about even my ex boyfriend from High School was one those guys that had a clear case of yellow fever, and when it comes downs to it I believe all men except from my dad and other male relatives have had an unfortunate case of the yellow fever. An obvious assumption on my part and possibly even a prejudice, and also this a generalization. There may be exceptions but so far I have sadly to meet one...

Do all men that are attracted to Asian women have a case of yellow fever or is it just as simple that they actually like the person and isn't so concerned about the race?

However, I wasn't even aware of the fact that such a thing existed up until the last 2 or possibly 3 previous years of my life. I'm not sure if it's due to increasing awareness or expanding criticism. Or maybe just the simple fact of adulthood which makes you more self councious or aware of things like racisim.

Incidentally I was trying to cross an intersection when this old retired man decided to tag along with me. (It was really icy and a bit slippery outside). We had a smaller conversation about the Swedish drivers, and the funny thing is that he grabbed on to my armbow real thight and also insisted on going really close beside me. When I parted with this uncle he, asked me when we would get together...

Would you normally grab some random stranger just to show devotion.. ?

I can't really tell if he was trying to be funny or if he was one of those creppy old men that has a slight crush for Asian women. I think it could have been a case of the latter seeing that his tone of voice was kind of serious.

If it was like I suspect, would he have asked all young women the same thing or was he simply interested in Asian women alone?

What originally was meant to be a serious yet nice post has somehow transformed into something more sleesy. I could have decided not to write the things I did, but since I feel they are important this post has been somewhat modified.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Korean Traits; Stubborness

Allright, remember that I told you about one of family's acquaintances ? My mum tends to make quick conclusions, assumptions and yes she assume's quite a lot to be honest. Like in most cases when there's a decision involving the entire family she basically always, always assumes I'm going to accept it just because they do.

She' also never asks weither or not we'll accept it or not, she's just assumes and speaks for the whole family usually without my knowledge.Well, accept the fact that your adoptive daughter now is a grown woman in her 20s first and foremost. Secondly accept the fact I'm Korean by birth which basically means I'm stubborn if you didn't know until now. Lastly, I've recently created my own opinions, arguments and ideas and just accept that they never will be to your liking, my opinions shouldn't have to be like that just because I'm your (adoptive) daughter.

Last month I attended a seminar about adoption, and I have to confess that it was really interesting yet I far from agree with all arguments and I don't share the same opinions. But even so I believe we shouldn't exclude people who happen to have a differing opinion just because don't share it or like it... Difference is good!

There are days when the thought of disowning my adoptive parents enters my mind, especially my adoptive mum.. I'm serious now, this thought has crossed my mind on more than one occassion... I'm unable to carry out my plans; maybe I love my mum too much. I actually couldn't live without her, she's my best friend now in my younger adulthood yet we still have our hard times.



© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Adoption Vs. Biology

No matter how hard you try one should never compare adoption with the birth of someone else's child. Why?

Because too me adoption is a concious choice, probably a choice that's taken many years and a lot of money as well while the birth of a child could be unplanned, an accident even if you will. It's not like someone choses to adopt a child by accident, in most cases at least.

Also adoptive parents usually gets more time to prepare for the addition to the family, while an expecting mother usually doesn't know that she's even pregnant to begin with.Let's not forget about the fact that the birth mother of the adoptee, had to be separated from her child. Which basically means she's usually greifing too. The adoptive parents joy is possible because of one woman's greif and loss.

Incidentally this post is really similar to my previous post from yesterday, which wasn't planned originally.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


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Pain And Greif Should Never Be A Comparison Game

Please, please never try too compete by comparing your greif or loss to someone else's; to me greif , sorrow and pain are relative. It depends from case to case.

For example adoptive parents may have tried to concive for years, and maybe even witnessed the loss of a child before death or after. An adoptee is removed from the place of their birth and for inter country adoptees it also means they are taken from their birth country, separated from their birth parents, siblings and other relatives.

Usually, these inter country adoptees are raised in other cultures and generally and more often they learn another mother tongue. What I'm trying here is too say that one never should try to  place people's losses and grief in relation too each other, just be humble and try to be understanding and respectful even if you can't relate.

By the way I attended the book sale yesterday and this Monday, I can't get enough books especially not cook books...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


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25th June 1950 - 27th July 1953. R.I.P

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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