성형 수술

미용 수술 Beauty Surgery 성형 수술 Cosmetic Surgery 성형 수술 Plastic Surgery

In  Korea cosmetic surgery is very common indead, most Korean women seems to have had some kind of surgery indead I suppose most Korean men might have too. At least the men and women that can afford it, not that I know what a beauty surgery costs it might be different depending on what kind of surgery you ask for. Although I can't really confirm this since I only partially observed this...

Koreans don't seem negative towards plastic surgery which too most of us might seem strange since that really alters ones appearance yet the general view on tattoos 문신 among most Koreans is surprisingly, they don't seem to accept it although the younger generations might be more likely to do so.

This could be explained by the following:

1. In the past criminals were marked by permantent markings or tattoos
2. It's illegal to tattoo someone but not to get tattooed
3. A tattoo artist needs to have a medical license in order to tattoo someone
4. Apparently, Korean men that wants to avoid military service tries to get a free card by getting several and big tattoos since tattoos apparently are a really bad moral example...
5. You shouldn't abuse your body by getting permanent markings since your body is a gift from your parents

(Please note that I'm not sure if this still is the case with tattoos in Korea)

Regardless I honestly think the mentioned factors above all make compelling arguments for why I shouldn't get a tattoo , and I still havn't finalized my plans...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


Related posts:

Tattoo

Fairy Godmother

요정 Fairy 대모 Godmother... somehow that sounds strange, mature, like a grown up word, something a mature person would be. Am I really that old...

Does this mean that I will be writing in Chinese as well now.... Well, only time will tell but what's next Mandarin, Japanese or Taiwanese ?

這麼久 so long 為 for 現在 now...

Maybe my nex trip will be going to China instead of Korea... you'll never know , where life takes you so you better just enjoy and be prepared for what might come...

Oh and by the way rumors and reports say that Jennifer Aniston is supposed to be following in Katherine Heigl's foot steps... I wonder if she will choose domestic adoption or international adoption...

By the way, I've decided to bring in adsense ads since I'm unemployed although I really had prefered to not have any ads at all on either of my blogs...


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

My Adoptive Parents

Things I Do

Naïve

Fullfilment

Love

Summary Of Trip

To foreigners, real foreigners not KADS; Koreans will seem like friendly people and Korea like a friendly country and yes they are to KADS as well but like I said me not knowing Korean something I should now from birth makes me the equivalent of a foreigner and as I embark on my new project to learn Korean I will not recieve praise for my aquired knowledge since I'm just supposed to know it. ...

And the above statement might be true for some and more a prejudice to others, take your pick.
The lessons learned from my reunion and first Korean trip are many, Korea has in some way industrialized more compared to Sweden too some degrees yet I prefer Sweden over Korea since it's what I know best. But I can't help but too feel like Korea is a country that I some day might consider living in.

First of all, if you consider going with your adoptive parents to Korea, think again or rethink it more than twice. Speaking out of personal experience, you'll discover so many new impressions and develop new intense feelings. Of course I don't encourage KADs to never include their adoptive parents on a Korean trip, maybe not just the very first one...

And about a reunion or first meeting with birth family, let your gut tell you if you should let them meet or not...

Those who claim that a trip back to your birth country doesn't change something or those who claim that a reunion doesn't change anything. Yes, that might be true for some. But not only I but also ther KADs say the same thing; going to Korea on possible or planned reunion with birth family will change a lot about you...

Depending on what mood I'm in my answer to the question if I would have requested reunion, looked for birth family and all that... The answer to that question differs, although I'm happy knowing that my birth parents really seemed like nice people, caring and loving parents to my other siblings. I'm convinced that they all love me, now that I've somewhat entered their life again. At least that's what they say and I believe them or want to give them the benefit of the doubt. Actually I feel humble, and very loved even more so now... and yes I love my Korean birth family too.

Sometimes when I'm talking too mum she acts as if she either don't understand or can't hear or alternatively ignores me... One other thing I hate is when people tells me what to, so annoying!? Like the other day my dad suggested what I should wish for as a birthday present... I might have wanted a thing like that for Christmas which doesn't mean I'll like it for my birthday. Truth to be told I hate birthdays; I prefer Christmas celebration if I had to choose.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


Related posts

Reunion

Best And Worst Day

First Few Days

Shopping

Day One

Not An Ending

I can't believe it, but sadly it seems that for adoptive parents the adoption seems to become less of an issue for some of the adoptive parents soon after the adoption process has been completed. All papers are signed, and most importantly the adoptee is now in the care of the adoptive parents.

This really annoys me, since it shouldn't be something so easily overlooked like a small bruse that only aches temporarily. For the adoptee, it will never be possible to escape the social stigma that comes with adoption. Of course the first few years is supposedly the easiest ones since the parents only has to deal with questions and pressure steaming from society and not yet from the adoptee. But in a few years questions will most likely arise and what are they to do then? Bury their heads in the sand and pretend its raining?

All children go through some kind of identity search and adoptees are no exception, and that is something that adoptive parents especially has to be prepared for. So, no an adoption process does not end it is a lifelong commitment similiar to a marriage and a parenthood since becoming a parent to someone else's child is a big responsibility.

My thesis is still haunting me and since my tutor havn't approved it I will not be presenting it tomorrow.. I suppose this would give me time to improve it even more and maybe even write a really good thesis... I'm going to tell what my thesis is about;.... international adoption in Korea, believe it or not and no that's all I'm gonna tell you, I still want my anonymity thank you very much.

I know there's at least three different ways to pronounce my Korean name and I have yet to decide which one to use, although I confess I don't know which way is the correct one... I sometimes alternates between the three...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Rejection

Separation

Adoption Feel

Fullfilment

Adoption Portrayals

What I Wish For

As an adoptee my constant wish is that adoptees and especially KADS will be able to find their birth families if they would like too. And whenever I hear of a reunited KAD I do become happy and warm inside, although I know that based on my own experiences growing up as an adoptee and KAD is a difficult thing.
Of course this wish only goes for those adoptees and especially KADs that wants to get to know their roots, birth families and so on and no not every adoptee wants  knowledge of the past and what could have been.

In adoption you always knows what an adoptee gets but you can never ever know what life would have turned out be if the circumstances would have been slightly different, completely opposite or even similar.

I never knew writing an thesis would be this difficult like I stuggle very hard work like 20 + hours a day to edit by instructions and then it turns out my tutor still considers me to have ignored his suggested and recommended changes.. Now it seems like I'm not going to present my thesis on Friday. Then I wonder when it will be.. because I'm no longer studying there and I have no place to live anymore, not there close to the University anyways.

Yesterday it started snowing yet again, will the snow ever disappear... Of course it's only January but it better not be snowing on my birthday... Nothing feels better than a hot cup of saffron tea when it's cold and winter outside...

Once again I find myself in a similar situation to the one that occured in Korea last summer, whenever I act or do things my parents considers to be a good decision they always, always seems to care too much to the point that it becomes freaking ridicolous !!?? I'm not five anymore I don't want too listen to any of you I'm over 20 in case you havn't noticed yet, thank you very much.



© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Wall

Love

Portrayals Of Adoption

Sky Eternity

Adopted the Move starring Pauly Shore

Ireland episode one

From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Your Arms

Orphan Lullaby



Adoption Song Mothers In My Life



Call Me Loved

(Original) Adoption Song

Remember one of my first posts titled How To Make Korean Food that was my first post with youtub clips in it. I very rarely feel confident enough to include those so this particular post is the second post with youtube clips since it was the only place I could think of that offered free viewing of different clips.

Because of this I don't claim copyright or ownership of any of the clips in this post or in the other previous post. Hopefully they'll be around on youtube for a while...

Related posts:

How To Make Korean Food

Glossary

Separation

How Adoption Feel

Dual Citizenship

Korean Language Oppertunities And Possibilites

Being a Korean adoptee or KAD not only means that I'm a part of a big exclusive forum which consists of nothing but Korean adoptees. Secondly, I've also realised that as a Korean adoptee we're encouraged to learn our native languages by special language programs and culture camps which basically costs next to nothing.

I could be wrong but it seems like this is especially encouraged for Korean adoptees that has reunited with their birth families... Please, correct me if I'm wrong.
Also, I'm not applicable for this language program since I visited Korea last summer although I do fullfil the age requirement...

Just like this one or through this site.
Oh yeah the link to the language program is the first link and application has been open ever since 11th January...

For me personally, any hopeful and likely knowledge in Korean would increase my chances of restoring an ordinary relationship with my Korean family. Secondly, I'm hopeful that if I pass this Korean class it will be included in my University degree...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Legacy

What Not To

How Adoption Feel

Dual Citizenship

Risky Move

I've unfortunately learned the hard way that mum and I aren't compatible and oftentimes can't get along. It's frustrating to talk to someone who only tries to understand without really trying or making efforts to begin to understand... She seems to demand to much of me without any obligations on her part...

Maybe there's a reason why I don't show emotions... could it be that mum isn't strong enough to handle my feelings in an acceptable way... !? Could be, maybe I simply don't care anymore. My mum and I are finished as far as I'm concerned... She's burned all bridges, demolished all hope, ignored every chance... But I suppose I'll play along until mum eventually confronts me, she's still oblivious...

In October of 2009 I applied for exchange studies overseas which to me felt like a longshot not knowing if I really would be accepted anywhere... I was already back then hesistant since I felt like I really would benefit more from studying Korean so my decision was to apply for exchange studies in Korea. But I wasn't able to apply through the university. But there are other options available for me especially considering that I'm a KAD and not an average Swedish Joe. Sometimes being a KAD can be a blessing.

Anyhow if I would have sticked to my intial plan I would currently be on exchange studies in Scandinavia, Iceland. But why Iceland !? Well, even if it wasn't my first choice it was my second best alternative where I actually was accepted as an exchange student. Before my scheduled reunion I felt really curious and was excited too maybe go on exchange studies to Iceland. But things changed after my reunion, Iceland didn't really seem that interesting. Not if you compare Korea and Iceland to each other, my knowledge of Icelandic wouldn't exactly overwrite or benefit my attempts to communicate with my birth family.

Generally, Koreans have a very limited knowledge of English and Icelandic as a Scandinavian language is closer to Norwegian than Swedish. So it wasn't really hard for me to turn down the offer of going to Iceland to study one semester. Instead I will be studying Korean in Sweden, I think that would look much better on a future resume and if I were to apply for emplyment in Korea Icelandic wouldn't really be an advantage to me. I'm not sure if it was a good move to turn my offer down, it was a bold move that I honestly don't regret but only time will tell if it was a smart move or not. It feels like the right thing to do, although some might say I'm stupid for having turned down an offer of exchange studies overseas.

Vertu sæll/ sæl Ísland  - 여보세요 한국 , Hello Korea


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Future Plans

Change Of Heart

 Supposed Future

When Love Becomes An Obsticle

This post was originally published at 00:03 on the 22nd of January 2011.

I know that more and more people these day marry without considering pregnancy and parenthood a part of the package so to say. And many people delibrately chooses to live as singles instead of in a relationship. I suppose love easily could become an obsticle instead of blessing ....

I suppose that may be way I choose not too really be approchable by it...

I do consider that for adoptees finding their birth parents or at least get knowledge of them should be considered the adoptees right not just something that is unattainble for some while others don't even have too make a big effort in order to find them. But I of course know that sadly, the reality for many adoptees means never finding complete fullfilment may be due to the fact that many still struggle with finding their birth families...

Lately I've been feeling like my mum isn't only possesive but also trying to stop me from returning to Korea, she wants me to send love from her and dad every time I write to them, my dad also suggested to remind them of their standing invitation to our home. This really annoys me very much indeed, if they're so interested in my siblings and my family they should write them, not me... I refuse to do that, to go along with them, that time is since long finished and completed.

Whenever I feel like I need to talk about sad, difficult or hard things mum always freaks out... to the point that she tells me to shout up and go talk to someone else because she doesn't want to hear about it. One could certainly wonder why...

 Why is it so that my dad, usually tends to change his opinion after having heard my mum's opinion? Is he trying to keep mum calm or is he really honestly that easy influenced by another person's opinions... That's another annoying thing I've realized since moving back home...

It really seems like it's my mum that is calling the shots when it comes to mum and dad, or maybe she really is that threatened by my new devotion and dedication. But I'll tell you a secret if mum is possesive or takes me for granted, makes decision over my head without asking I usually find some way to demonstrate my dislike like I did yesterday when I was getting things out from the moving boxes I found a little embroderi the kind proud parents make of their children's birth. It said my name, my length, my height and the date of my birth I told mum I no longer wanted that and even though I know she probably became pretty sad I usually don't care because between my mum and I there's a constant hidden power struggle. So it was the same procedure as it has been for a while and yet mum never notices....

Anyways, mum quickly said she'd take it back if I didn't want it anymore. Totally fine by me.

Yesterday I submitted the final draft of my thesis to my tutor so all I can do now is wait... that was two days ago...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Advice

Wall

Don't Cry

Incredible Feeling

One thing that I feel is worth mention again is something that I might already have written about, but even so I feel that topic deserves a special post.

Because of the age gap between me and my older Onni's and Oppa's I of course have more than one Jokk'atal. And it was so amazing to see how much they really resembled their parents. Now I know what my future children might look like if I do decide to have children some day.

And no, I was already able to separate my siblings from each other having studied and memorized their faces and names for days before reunion. It wasn't like the Jokk'atal could be mistaken for being someone else's child because the resemblance with their Omma was so unmistakable. 

Especially the youngest Jokk'atal had a big resemblance with me, because its mother happened to be be one of my siblings that resembled me more. Five of my siblings have inherited our Oppa's looks while the remaining have inherited our Omma's looks instead. 

But to know that I resemble one of my birth parents that much gives me a great comfort and a feeling of confrimation that is worth quiet a lot too me.

Secondly, I might seem like I either take things for granted or to onesided since I only tend to write about adoption, feelings and my reunion. Of course to me at time it felt like my biggest challenge so far, luck or not I was reunited with my birth family. I know there are many, many who never gets to be reunited with neither of their parents sadly. To me to know my roots has been comforting, difficult, sad, devastating and much else...

Why should I have too feel lucky about not only about locating and comfirming my birth family's existance not too mention the will for reunion... Being adopted has unfortunately meant that I've been raised in a hidden and strong sense of gratefulness and luck. To me it hasn't been all roses and warm beaches , if you know what I mean. Being adopted is challenging enough, believe me... To be reunited ads another dimension or layer to my complex sense of self worth and identity. That's for sure...

But how many nights and days must a man walk on by before you can call him a friend?

A few days ago I was taking the train to the capital city and very soon an older foreign looking man stepped on the train. He started handing out notes that basically urged people to give him money. It sad something like this...

I'm a poor man with two children, one of them has leukemia and I need money for treatment.

Actually Sweden has free health care for those kind of diseases either he didn't know that or he knew it but was using it to get sympathy and more money (which didn't work this time since train personel noticed and told him to stop.)


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Fullfilment

Precious Moments

My Heart

Deep Down

Dual Citizenship Disadvantages Vs. Advantages

What would happen or change if I was to apply for dual Korean citizenship ?

Honestly it doesn't really seem to presently be benefitial to me as I currently have no plans of living in Korea permanently. But I could be wrong, being a Korean adoptee or KAD does seem to offer more benefits than what a dual citizenship would do.

Maybe I'll apply for it some day but as of right now I see no reason why I should. For one thing I'll have to reside in Korea to be applicable to fill in the application forms and I'm still in Sweden.

I'm still considering applying for it but Im not sure when for one, and also if there will be more disadvantages compared to benefits. There might be things I used to take for granted that I'm likely to have to give up....

I suppose my feelings in this matter best could be explained by a beautiful rose bush; I long to pick the roses but I dread its thorns.. The smell from the roses is something extra special, that is sort of how I best could explain my owngoing struggle and attempts. It's not enough to only smell the roses from afar I'd like to touch its delicate petals or even bringing them inside to have something beautiful too look and smell at but if there only was a way to escape its thorns...

Luckily G.O.A.L recently launched a forum about the dual citizenship...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Immigrant

What Not To

Complete Fullfilment

미안해

미안해  Biyane 동생 Dongsaeng or maybe it should be 미안합니다 Mehamnida 동생 Dongsaeng or maybe even 죄송합니다 Chwehamnida... 동생 Dongsaeng ?
동생 Dongsaeng 사랑해 Saranghae... I'm sorry, please forgive me.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts :

사랑해요 아빠

입양인

감사합니다

Complete Fullfilment

I don't feel complete yet, even though I really believed and was utterly convinced that I would be once I met my birth family. But that was only a minor fullfilment not a complete one. There are still pieces of the puzzle that I miss and may never find them.

Too feel complete I need to look for the answers within me, within my soul and not let myself be decieved by depending on others in the hope of finding complete fullfilment. Your happiness should not depend on others, you have to look within yourself.

Finding someone that loves me for me and that truely understand me is what I still think of but lately my life has been so dramatic and chaotic that it hasn't been possible. And finding a boyfriend might never make me happy and it might not be the answer to complete fullfilment...

I'm still in doubt about weither or not I will be able to present my thesis by next Thursday... It's only two more days left before the deadline.. Should I be scared now?


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Why

Emptiness

Deep Down

My Heart

Precious Moments And Freezing Time

Although it took me over 20 years to return to my birth country and to be reunited with my birth family, I still felt strange. The first few days everything was fresh and new it felt like walking on egg shells. But still it still felt like I was a young child instead of a grown woman in my 20s. My Omma insisted of feeding me with her chopsticks and honestly despite the fact that it felt weird it also was something I longed for. My educated guess is that it sounds ludicrous, yet it really was something to remember for the rest of my life...

Something I believed I never would have had the chance to experience. But I did. However at times it did feel a bit uncomfortable especially when we were all out eating in public.

I guess for them, it wasn't like 20 years had passed even though I returned in my 20s I to them was nothing more than a young child. Everything they missed to do with me they wanted to do for me, not only my Omma feed me but also my Oppa and my Onni's. They not only feed me but they also wanted to sleep next to me at night.

If anybody else had attempted to do what my birth family did or longed for I would have refused. Uncomfortable or not, I guess but I and my birth family needed to get a chance to materialize everything they thought they lost and never would have an oppertunity to do.

When I return I may not be older then at the most 2 years old but that is allright. I'll accept that if that is what I have to do or maybe more so if I can't change it. Yet their unconditional love could not be mistaken and all those akward and weird moments I am extremely greatful for....

 Don't ask me what I did, since I only remember those small acts of kindness and love. That is what I'll remember and treasure forever and for the rest of my life...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


Related posts:

Preparing Reunion

Best And Worst Day

First Few Days 

Don't Cry For Me

Today I've moved back in with my parents and hopefully I will be able to present my thesis by the end of this month...

I'm still unable too cry for myself, but I can't seem to stop the tears from flowing down my cheaks whenever there is something sad or someone feeling sad and crying. Maybe my own tears has dried out, the tears that I cry for me may be gone but the tears for others they're different. And by the way this not related to my move home, I suppose it's more to do with my reunion really not anything else...

Maybe you all know Madonna's song Don't Cry For Me Argentina... I suppose that would in my case be don't cry for me 울지 말아요 조선 Don't Cry For Me Korea...

 엄마 Omma , why can't I cry even when I'm hurt ?   엄마 Omma, where have all my tears gone? 엄마 Omma, please tell me since I don't understand... 엄마 Omma, please help me...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

To Omma

Rejection

Separation

Wall

Somewhere Inside

That's a farely recent book that the Ling sister's has colaborated in and it was released this May, and as many of you may know one of the sisters' Laura Ling, was captured by North Korea and held in Korean prison for several months while the other sister Lisa Ling tried her very best to get her sister released and back too America.

Both of them are coincidentally journalists...

Read it, it's very interesting and you get an insight to the real people in North Korea and yes as you expected the story ended well and Laura Ling is no longer in prison...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Nothing To Envy

Pop Korea

Not A Dairy

The reason why I decided to start blogging about what I do, writing everything the way I do it's because I do think that what I write might be helpful for someone ...some day.... Of curse I could always write a dairy but that would not be the same thing. I could mention a lot of things in detail if I wanted to , but nobody would know...

Maybe there are people somewhere that identifies with what I write.
And also if I wrote a dairy I would not make it a habit, I would soon forget it or ignore it.
To me writing in a blog is sort of like a commitment, more so than what a dairy would be.
No body would care if I forgot to write or not, because for one they wouldn't know.

But writing in a blog do have its disadvantages, for instance since my opinions at times might be difficult to understand they are still all mine but by making them public I guess I could easily become labled as something I'm not. Therefore I do want my identity hidden as much as I can, maybe not soo much for my sake but rather for my birth family.

To me the reunion with them means I have to restrict myself somewhat write in general terms instead of detailed descriptions. Because if they knew my thoughts and feelings I'm fearing the worst. It is also a good thing to be the anonymious blogger, rather than a publicly recognized. Which I would be more likely to be once I publish pictures of myself.

If I were to make my identity known I might lose that precious tie I managed to create with my birth family over the years. I might also be subject to more criticism which I am avare of that I still can be. But since I do want to keep blogging for the ordinary man or rather woman I will not privatize my blog. This however means that if someone has or is planning to make a comment that I might see as a personal offense I would have to accept it.

Blogging means making many choices , blogging for everyone or for a selected trusted crowd. If you do want to keep blogging in the open for everyone too see, but can't accept a negative comment once in a while than I'd say that everyone may not praise you or even agree with you, but that's allright and I think it would be boring if everyone were exactly the same. Furthermore if you only blog to get hits and praising comments but want to banish the negative ones unless you observe every comment that cannot be achived. And since many nations is democracies it means thaey are supposed to have a certain level of press freedom. Even you don't like it it is that, the press freedom that has enabled me and everyone else to blog. If you don't want everyone to read it than you'll either have to enable a password protection for some posts if not all.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


Related posts

Don't Read

1000

LCHF

How Adoption Makes Me Feel

Lately it feels like my constant depression has been replaced by easilly fuelled anger. Like whenever I notice adoptees in media, or adoption in movies.

• East Of Eden
• Fly High
• Golden Bride
• Ireland
• Jenny, Juno (movie)
• My Father (movie)
• My Girl
• She's Nineteen
• Women of the Sun
• Who Are You

All of whom are K dramas and that has a plot about adoption and the movie My Father is supposedly based on true story....

Apparently the the Swedish population has decreased to such an extent that the original area codes in our Swedish phone numbers will be out of stock. One suggested solution would be to release the 08 which up intil now has been the area code for Stockholm, Sweden's capital city. I'm not to concerned with that since I for one don't have to bother with that issue yet and secondly I live in commuters distance from the capital city.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Pop Korea

Separation

Wall

My Heart

In My Heart

I actually love both of my families tremeandously, which might be hard to understand it just that sometimes I'm leaning towards one of them... There's no condition stipulated that says that I should have too love my birth family , I just do. I guess always have loved them, while I also love my mum and dad and the brother I grew up with.

However life for an adoptee or more especially reunited adoptee doesn't seem fair, because I honestly feel like there's no way to make both of them happy as reality looks today. Maybe if you would be able to get cloned like Dolly or if I by any chance had a twin sister. Then my Appa and Omma would get one child entirely to themeselves while my mum and dad could keep the other one without having too worry.

But life isn't fair and I have no twin sister, as far as I know and you can't get yourself a clone. If I want to be fair and make the same kind of sacrifice then I suppose I should consider moving to Korea very soon... Yet I'm still not ready to take that last step towards the Land of The Morning Calm, maybe I will some day though although that presently seems unlikely...

But for now I will focus on trying to learn Korean and then later decide what I want to use it for, let's just see where it takes me... Going to Korea before knowing Korean seems like a hasty decision but I could be wrong of course.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Ilusion

Rejection

Wall

감사합니다

감사합니다 Kamsamnida 엄마 Omma, 감사합니다 Kamsamnida 아빠 Appa, 감사합니다 Kamsamnida 동생 Dongsaeng 감사합니다 Kamsamnida 오빠 Oppa  , 감사합니다 Kamsamnida 언니 Onni.

Thank you for accepting and agreeing to meet me face to face. I can't say that I understand what you all most have gone through. I'm greatful that we got a chance to meet and it seems mother and father raised you all well.

All the feelings that you must have felt... There's only one feeling that seems of significance here and that is courage which I guess you all must have.

Of course I will never know for sure how you felt, or if I do I will not write antyhing about it here, as an adoptee I have only experienced one side of the coin so I can't really relate to all of you. I wish I coul, if you didn't know about me beforehand than I suspect you must have gone through a roller coster of emotions.

And if you indeed did know abou me then I can with outmost certainty say that you might have tried to prepare yourself like I did. But how much can you really prepare for such an event? Maybe you belived that you were ready and prepared for everything but like I said finally meeting someone fact to face. Someone that's you're family , who looks like you but who you're not familiar with but infact strangers. For those kind of events there can only be so much preparations.

Related posts:

To  Omma

Preparing

사랑해요 아빠

입양인

Memories In My Mind

It's sad for every day that passes by the memory of my unforgetable and surprising journey last summer fades away even more. I do know how I felt at the time but I can't seem too imagine or really comprehend all feelings, events and impressions now. I find myself in desperate state trying too hold on to the memories that are left and trying too find whatever I can about Korea, not KAD's adoptees. Korea. Yesterday I finally found something that saved my day and that will help me to keep my memories more alive.

I'm desperately trying to clunch on to anything that might make my short memory in Korea last longer which is not really easy to do when you live not only in another country but in another continent and not being able to speak that language that really would fill that newly discovered woid in my soul, heart and mind.

I wish I could remember the taste of real kimchi right now...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

사랑해요 아빠

입양인

Wall

Deep Down

This might seem unfamiliar and strange for some of you, but you who know about your birth family or maybe even have had a chance to be reunited... for you I believe this post might be the most helpful...

Since my mum and dad sometimes can't relate or understand me no matter how hard they try, I do feel like my parents have had my first 24 years of my life I'd like too somehow offer the same for my birth family. But maybe not make a hasty promise to donate my next 24 years too them not completely and not straight away...

But since I havn't been able to build a lasting foundation neccessary too establish such a bond with my birth family I now feel like it's time, it's well overdue. Somehow I also feel like my birth family and especially my Omma and Appa are more important too me than my adoptive parents since my mum and dad always will have my past I somehow want too offer my Omma and Appa my future but maybe mostly in a symbolic way...

Also because of my reunion I now have faces to the unfamilar names which I didn't use to have while growing up. Now I sometimes don't know where I belong and at times I want too act in accordance with what I believe would make my birth family proud. My mum and dad will always be my parents but my Omma and Appa somehow although it might seem strange have a bigger place inside my heart...

Maybe you could say my Korean family now is more important too me than my mum and dad, it might feel like this because I feel I now have responsability to keep on building on our recently founded relationship and that I need to make more of an effort to keep that tie and promise. Well, that's not correct either but let's just say that my Korean birth family does mean more too me than I ever expected and that's what complicates things because my adoptive parents and my family has not lost any in significance but if they have I do believe it's either temporary or the way it always will be like from now on.

I for example am willing and dedicated to learn Korean just in order to be able too become more independent and to in the future hopefully be able to talk directly to my Korean birth family. However, it somehow don't feel right that even though I am an actual person in my birth family by now, we are still separated by language barriers, barriers which it is up too me to break down...

My siblings and birth parents are not expected to know English and they are not socially pressured to have to learn their daughter's native tongue. That would be really strange I suppose seeing that I am an ethnic Korean but culturally and socially a Swede.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


Related posts:

Advice

Contradiction

Change Of Heart

Immmigrant

Wall

The Wall

It really hurts me too say this out loud but the truth is no matter how hard we try or how good intentions my adoptive parents have they will never be able to completly understand me just as I can't understand many of their arguments or decisions (mostly passed ones).

It's like we have an invisible wall standing between us, making sure we keep our distance and never cross the line over too the other side.

The only way I would be able to understand my adoptive parents is if I ever decided to internationally adopt myself. And that is out of the question for me.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


Related posts:

Contradiction

Never

Uncertainties

Blame

Not To Do

Colours Of The Rainbow

I know one might be more prone to conflicts if one happen to have a black and white view of the world, sort of like I used to. Although my perception until recently consisted mostly of different shades of grey it seems that some colour finally has managed to break through into my life afterall.

Of course I could be jinxing it by saying it out loud but I'll take my chances...


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts

Illusion

Shades Of Grey

Rainbow

I Wonder

I wonder weither or not it is true that I am in fact traumatized at some level, although I can't say for sure weither I really am or how it shows itself. But maybe uncounsely I might be although I'm not sure of exactly how much an infant can have had time too experience in just three months....

I might be, that could explain a lot of things for me but I suppose that's one more question that I'll never know for sure. Maybe I should have recognized my Omma's voice since I assume that she was talking and that I must have heard her voice while she was pregnant with me...

 Of course I could have recognized it unconsciously without knowing it for sure.

If it's really true or not I can't really say, traumatized or not the truth is that it hurts to think about these things. I wish there was an effective way to aviod it, but sadly reality can't be ignored since reality is life. Sometimes some aspects of adoption hurts to think about from time too time others are always hurting. Like a heart beat pounding in someone's cheast or dripping water from a tap, branches blowing in the  wind tapping on the window....

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts

Challenge

Conspiracies

Blame

Separation

Scary Reality

Two boys born in the same facility on the same day were accidentally switched just like Eun Suh and Shin Ae were in the K - drama Autumn In My Heart. And this was actually a real story taking place in the 1940s Sweden. The event portayed in the Swedish documentary did change the daily routines at the maternity wards all over Sweden.

They were accidentally switched and only three years later the truth was revealed however the sentence or verdict from the trail was being carried out when the boys had reached the tender age of seven. And the decision was that the boys were too be switched and returned ater living for seven years in another family.

I suppose that never supposedly can happen in cases of international adoption, however I'm not sure or convinced of neither.

Surprisingly that is what happened in that town up until 1946, and ever since then there has been a system in identifying mothers and infants to avoid a mixup. What happened in that family was that once the mixup was reveiled on family wanted their real son back while the other family didn't request to take on their other son. They were left with their older son, having to accept that the son was to be raised as the other ones brother in that family.

They were accidentally switched and only three years later the truth was revieled however the sentence or verdict from the trail was being carried out when the boys had reached the tender age of seven. And the decision was that the boys were too be switched and returned after living for seven years in another family.

As the events would turn out only one of the sons had to be switched and one was to be raised in his biological family alongside the other boy and grew up too be just like brothers. Is blood and DNA really more important than love and time spent ? When do you know if your decision was justified or just a selfish act? Was it right or wrong to change that decision several years later.... Is there always such a thing as right or wrong? When do you know when it's right or when its wrong....


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Maybe

Illusion

Separation

입양인

입양인 adoptee, KAD

스웨덴인 Swedish 조선인  Korean

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

한글

Immigrant

나의 가족

사랑해요 아빠

The Many Cases Of Separation

It has to be said now that I think about, relating to my life, that I experienced my first case of separation as soon as I was born. The second time and third time that I went through the same procedure was at 2 months, when I finally was going to be adopted to Sweden.

A separation of a child from its biological family is not something that should be practized if it can be avoided.
If I look back at my own life I know that even if I don't want too admit it is that in order too achieve an international adoption you need at least one separation + adoption which ultimately would result in a trauma. Explained as intercountry adoption + adoption = trauma.

I don't think I was aware of my supposed trauma from my childhood years and infant period. What I believe is that the level of trauma increased and intensified begun to do so once I begun to search for my birth family. It might have gotten even more apparent once I went on my reunion trip back to Korea.

There are times when I think that I shouldn't have been so persistent to find them, because I now at least at times feel even more lost and for that I have no one but myself to blame.

By the way now I have changed the post setting to Swedish time zone Stockholm and British English settings instead of Swedish.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Unanswered Questions

Conspiracies

Rejection

Summary

The third part of the Colin Nutley's iconic House of Angels and the sequel House of Angels - the Second Summer has now reached the movie theatres in Sweden. And in intercountry adoption the search for personal identity presents a rather big challenge for many adoptees one way or another.

The plot in House of Angels in the first two parts is very similar to to the that of adoptees since many of them desperatly tries to findtheir birth families which is similar to what Fanny Zander does when she returns to her mother's village to find her father. Does that ring a bell for anyone?

In 2010 I traveled to Korea and meet my Gajok for the very first time, maybe it's a bit annoying to hear me constantly say this.... But bare with me for a while...
Believe it or not I decided to apply for a personalname change a rather complicated process, but I'm starting 2011 with my new personal name

I started writing my thesis , believe it or not
I lost 44 pounds in 5 months which is 20 kilograms
I moved back in with my parent's



© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

2011

Adoptee Glossary

• 가족 Gajok: family
• 부모 Bumo: parents
• 친정 Chinjeong: parents' home/wife's home
• 형제 Hyeongje: brother
• 자매 Jamae: sister
• 친척  Chincheok : relation
• 아버지 Abeoji : father
• 어머니 Eomeoni : mother
• 아빠 Appa: dad
• 엄마 Omma: mum
• 할머니 Halmeoni: grand mother
• 할아버지 Harabeoji: grand father
• 형 Hyeong: boy's older brother
• 누나 Nuna: boy's older sister
• 오빠 Oppa: girl's older brother
• 언니 Eonni : girl's elder sister
• 동생 Dongsaeng: younger brother/sister
• 삼촌Samchon: uncle
• 이모 Imo: maternal aunt
• 이모부 Imobo: husband of maternal aunt
• 고모 Gomo: paternal aunt
• 고모부 Gomobo: husband of paternal aunt
• 숙모 Sungmo: aunt
• 숙부 Sukbu: uncle
• 고맙습니다 Gomapseumnida: Thank you.
• 감사합니다 Gamsahamnida: Thank you.
• 미안합니다 Mianhamnida: I am sorry.
• 죄송합니다 Joesonghamnida: I am very sorry.
• 나는 ..해요 Naneun ..haeyo : I feel.
• 화가나요 Hwaganayo: angry.
• 슬퍼요 Seulpeoyo: sad
• 기뻐요: Gippeoyo: happy
• 신나요  Sinnayo: excited
• 무서워요 Museowoyo: afraid.
• 불안해요 Bulanhaeyo: nervous
• 고마워요 Gomawoyo: thankful
• 미안해요 Mianhaeyo: sorry
• 황당해요Hwangdanghaeyo: puzzeled
• 당황스러워요 Danghwangseureowoyo: confused
• 만족스러워요 Manjokseureowoyo: pleased
• 실망이예요 Silmangiyeyo: disappointed
• 놀라워요 Nolrawoyo: surprised.
• 불쾌해요 Bulkoaehaeyo: unpleasant
• 편해요 Pyeonhaeyo: comfortable

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

사랑해요 아빠

What Not To Do

나의 가족

Itaewon

Happy New Year !!! In the very first post for 2011 you will find pictures from Itaewon in Seoul, they were taken in the summer of 2010. All of the above pictures was taken by me in last summer.
 


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Open Market

Tourist Sights

Korean Nature

Seoul City