Preparing For Reunion

When I decided to take the last final step to be reunited with my birth family I hesitated at first once it really seemed possible to and when I heard back from my parents... Then my heart broke into a thousand pieces shattered all over and then I hesistated so much that I even considered canceling the trip. My first trip to Korea and reunion after almost 25 years...

Hearing back from eomini and abeoji made me spend two weeks in confusion and with constant tears in my eyes, I first cried because of their words, then I thought about what I had been robbed off and cried some more, then I cried  again because I suddenly felt so alone,small, powerless and insignificant. After that I attempted to stop crying but couldn't stop myself because I was thinking how sad it was that I was crying from hearing what I dreamed of hearing for my enitre life. And so I tried my best to stop crying but failed and started crying again because I couldn't stop and this was repeated maybe four or five times. When I finally stopped crying the New Years Eve had passed and a bright new year had already started...

I spent approximatly three months feeling nothing, being completely numb to all impressions. I started planning the trip and only after that I cried again. Ever since then I'm more sensitive towards similiar situtions and feel sad more often then before.

I didn't think so much about weither or not I should be going there alone... Earlier I had talked to my dad about bringing him alone, my mum would go with my younger brother. That I had no problems to accept but once my dad and I prepared the final stages my mum probably realized that she might never be able to go to Korea with my brother so she demanded that she'd come too.

Now things had really developed into a stage which I really didn't like and I could already sense the outcome of it... I had initally thought about going to Korea at a time when the country is at its best but again, mum talked me out out of applying for a delayed Semester start and instead told me what she had heard:

That it wasn't recommended to visit Korea first time alone

Then it was settled my mum and dad would go with me weither I liked it or not. And as a result we ended up plaining the reunion for no longer then 3 weeks and with departure from Sweden in June. Had I gone alone I might have been able to stay longer then I did this time.

Mum, I'm sorry but you and dad was not reunited with anybody in Korea, it was me who was reunited with my birth family. If it hadn't been for me I'm sure you never would have meet them or been concerned about them. You only knew my birth family through me; your adoptive daughter. You were there on vacation, but I wasn't I went there with a purpose and a mission you didn't.

Mum you , you try you're best to understand but as long as you're not accepting and open towards me and my new outlook on life you will never be able to truly understand what I'm going through. Did you spend the days worrying and contempleting about what they would think of you? Did you constantly feel sad.. very close too crying, not finding the words to express yourself, did you? Can you understand how it felt to meet my birth family, to see the family resemblance but still being a stranger among them... Someone they couldn't communicate with other then by actions... Do you honestly know how it made me feel, and honestly to have you and dad there as well made my experience even more difficult.

Mum, I'm still not sure how it feels but I do know this being robbed of my culture without being asked about it has made me even more determind to reclaim the things I can. My name, my personal name is the only link I have to my birth family and it's the only part that I'm proud of. I'm sorry but it's the truth, not being able to talk to them as freely as I would have liked made me decide to apply for Korean language studies starting next semester, hopefully. Since you denied me all of those things that was a part of my original identity I know it might seem threating for you and dad. I'm not going to apologize for it if it makes you feel sad. I'm an adult and I'm proud of my Korean heritage and this might be the only way for me to express and proof my love for them...

There's actually a pretty valid and justified reason why I would have prefered to go without my mum or even all alone... I'll explain all that very soon in a future post.


♥쳐근은아녕.Bye for now.♥

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


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