Adoptee Arrival

So one member in my immediate family has a friend that recently became a first time mum. No big deal right, but what if I tell that this friend hasn't given birth but instead adopted a child from China!

I'm not sure how to feel about this actually, some day's I'm completely fine with this adoption thing other times I'm really annoyed by it. Can't really tell why, I wish I could. This family member of mine is especially optimistic and sort of head over heels because this friend has become an adoptive parent too. Which basically means they now have something in common, something too share.

To become a parent is supposed to be a blessing and a miracle if you will, but I'd say that that only is applicable to parents who becomes parents from biology not neccessarilly by and from adoption. Actually I'd might even be prepared to say that first time parents are the only parents that truely and honestly experience this miracle. A new life, completely new and not someone else's blood and tears.

Remember my Chinese friend? Maybe that's what's bugging me this time, someone's misary is someone else's joy. You better handle the life that really never was yours to begin with with care. My opinions are 100 % mine although I confess that the thesis has changed my opinions in some regards while it also strengthened some and replaced others... there's nothing I can do to change that. It's called personal development I suppose.

And please, if you feel like you'd like to comment on this I'm well aware of the general views, opinions and arguments like... you should feel grateful to have been adopted, to have been able to gain an oppertunity of a new life and so on... Then don't.

That might be true, however I don't completely agree with this, I had a family and still have a Korean family. I've lost that natural bond that you get with your siblings. That to me is priceless and something I'm trying my best to achive some twenty years later. I'm aware of that this task might never be fullfilled yet I long for it.

This day also marks the 25th anniversary of Olof Palmes death; he was murdered by someone on the 28th of February 1986. R.I.P.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Advice

Rejection

Godmother

More Love

Children

I can now proudly announce that I'm an aunt /imo yet again...

A few days ago I mentioned to my dad that I believed I would become a really nice baking grandmother, which might seem a bit odd and out of place since I'm only 25 (turning 25 this year), still single and havn't had any children of my own yet.

But one thing is certain I love children, yet I wouldn't consider adopting them if I would learn I wouldn't be able to become a mother to my own biological children.. That should seem so surprising to any of you, yet this revalation seems to really trigger my mum...

Children are the future, the next generation or like the late King of Pop:

We are the world.

And as long as your parents are alive you're still not an adult, it is only once your own parents has passed that you have reached maturity enough to actually be considered an adult. At least in my eyes, well what I mean is that as long as your mum or dad is still alive you are still a child to them and it doesn't matter if you're only four, 25 or 60 since what matters is if your mum and dad are still alive.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Separation

Wall

Weil

Made In Korea

Lessons Learned

I'd like to offically apologize in case I may have offended anyone reading yesterday's post... My inital aim was never to offend anyone, but I know now how that post might be interpreted as...

I have learned quite a many things by heart this past few months, for instance learned that there are some things adoptees are forced to accept rather than trying to change one's faith and things that already happened. That's impossible , unless you're a Hogwarts student or Hermione Granger happened to loan you her time turner...

Even though I had mentally prepared myself for over 5 years before using a request for direct contact I wasn't prepared for what I would learn about my own destiny... I had actually prepared for every likely scenario except that one of course.

Love doesn't mean love between a man and a woman, the love that's unconditional and eternal should be valued even more. Such love can only be found in a family, with certain exceptions of course. Also, being adopted means my emotions resembles a roller coster or a swing if you will.. it also means I have to get used to recieving weird comments and too personal questions, having my ethnicity questioned, being subject of more than one prejudice although I can't think of one right now.

For me it means I will live on as a living contradiction.

I'll make this year's New Year's resolution now, and it will be to trý not to waste so much time on things that I can't change. Like things that happened in the past and especially my adoption. Since I'm finished with my thesis I think I finally will be able to fulfill or attempt to reach this goal. Why waste energy on something you can't change !? I really should start living by this...

I have a really nasty cold since a few days and usually my remedy would be tea and lots of ice cream... But now I use tea and C vitamines like in tangerines... and yeah lots of garlic too. I almost forgot it. Do you know a good remedy for colds that actually works?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

What If

Never Happy

Nationality Confussion

My Life

My Future

Separation

Life

Asian Stereotypes

I think it's good be an Asian person sometimes, or more importantly Korean. The general view or misconception of Koreans are that are extremely stubborn and proud. Personally this trait might have emerged because of a natural demand for determination. A small advice is to never make a Korean or KAD annoyed, irritated or angry since that most likely will result in that stubborness and determination getting activated.


Many Asians, if not most Asians are born with double eyelids and small round noses. Because of this the most common surgical procedure apart from liposuction is double eyelid reconstruction and nose operations.

Or so I've been told... (which means this observation could be totally incorrect)

I think Korea might be more concerned with Korean stereotypes and achiving ideal beauty , at least compared to Sweden. But Sweden isn't totally free from stereotypes however I think that Swedish ideal beauty is something else than Korean ideal beauty.  This could possibly seem a bit provocative and biased, I'm totally aware of that fact. Hopefully you'l forgive me for this...


Now that I start to think about it, I remember what foreigners generally say about Swedes and more particularly Swedish women... Swedish women is supposedly known for dressing unladylike, and in comparison Korean women are far more feminine and ladylike.

But whould you expect women to wear short miniskirts and high heels in - 25 C degrees? Not many I suppose and hope, followed below is a list of some Swedish designers;

• Acne
• Odd Molly
• Filippa K
• Svea
• Cheap Monday

Swedish clothes and designers naturally seems to be more focused on making functional clothes with consideration to the Scandinavian climate.

Today I was finally able to install Korean keyboard, but still haven't quite figured out which key produces what letter... But that's at least a start.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Blame

What Not To

성형 수술

Another Day Another Cupcake

First picture above is of Peanut Butter Cupcakes, notice the peanutty colour ? Recepie found here. Receipe for these Chocolate Cupcakes has a secret ingredients; two kinds of Toffee sweets. Recepie found here .

I also made Cream Filled Cupcakes, which didn't turn out so well although flavourwise they were really tasty according to my dad. And I didn't bother making frosting like the reciepe said I should... The reason why it failed could be due to the fact that I converted the measurements to the meatric system or maybe I should have made larger dough...

Mini Cheesecake III , was really quick and easy to make. Not too sweet either.

The picture below is of Red Velvet Cupcakes , which is similar too Red Velvet Cake but in cupcake shape. The frosting was like the icing on the cake really.

Next up is:

• Apple Banana Cupcakes

• Carrot Ginger Cupcakes

• Cake Pops

Even though I like baking and cooking, I never bake the same thing twice with some exceptions of course. And no, I wasn't tempted to try this. I prefer baking over eating actually... This post is also the only insights you'll get in my daily events...

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the Chocolate Cupcakes recepies is a Swedish recepie... This post was originally published in 23th at 23:55...


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts: 

Piece Of Cake

No Man's Land

Being adopted means to live in Man's Land, in between Sweden and Korea although that isn't realistically possible. Instead this should be seen as strictly figuratively nothing else. Life in No Man's Land would probably be pretty lonely if it wasn't for the fact that I've recently discovered a big unwisable forum for KADs. That's extremly comforting for to me to know, yet I hope I'm not destined to a lonely life here in No Man's Land, but that I actually will manage to find someone who at least can support me and guide me through life if they might not happen to understand me.

I was supposed to do some school stuff online, but I had some Internet connection errors like the entire day. Turns out it was my furry friend on four legs with a tail, that was behind the mischief.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the annual big book sale started today at 10 AM. And apparently the Oscar gala or Party was tonight as well... Actually the Oscar gala will be held on the evening between the 27/28th not tonight.



© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

My Future

Wall

Weil

More Love

Opinions And People

I can't change what people think of me, if they dislike me or my opinions then there's nothing I could do about it. But I for sure hate prejudices as much as generalizations, about Asians, Koreans adoptees, KADs and Swedes as well. As if being a female wasn't hard enough...



© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

My Synonyms

입양인

I'll Never Be

Made In Korea

Korean Collectivism

Korea is according to me strongly influenced and based on collectivism and this could not be more true for Korea. Basically everyone you meet are introduced to you by someone else, everyone's a part of at least one network. Networking is very common and a big deal in Korea but it is so common that it isn't reflected on.

One of my sisters is still unmarried and well, one of my family members wanted me too ask my dad for help to meet a potential European/Swedish husband. Based on this I have too say that I quickly was considered a part of my Korean family's small network too such an extent that even my adoptive parents were included in this network. My inital reaction was one of surprise, now I realize that I should be honoured and feel humble to be included in family matters like that.

I'm their sister afterall, there's no reason and no way to ignore, hide or escape from that.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Koreans

My Future

Made In Korea

Will I Love You More

Daughters are usually really close to their fathers when they are young, but in their teenage years that changes and the father is no longer as great and all knowing. No. And a girl's relationship to her mother is supposedly complicted until the young woman becomes a mother herself.
But who should I talk to then? There seems to be nobody that I can confide my inner thoughts too. So who will listen to me...

Regardless of challenges connected to being not only an adoptee but more so a reunited KAD, I've come to realize that I'm personally surrounded by love. That gives me a great comfort, but there's still so many things I've been deprived of because of adoption...

How much suffering and heartbreak can one heart take before it collapses in pain? How many difficulties does one person have to experience... I'm not sure, I don't have the answer.

Its a full moon tonight, are your cat crazy now ?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Rejection

My Heart

Love

Daily Dose

I suppose you could say that I'm fortunate enough to get my regular dose of well, not kimchi maybe, maybe more of my daily dose of Asia or Asian spices but only figuratively. Maybe I should try to find a place that serves seaweed soup for my birthday this year.

I will after all celebrate my 300th month which is the same as 25 years... (by Western standards) and apparently women are supposed to marry once they turn 25 which means I should have been married for a few months by now, if I had lived in Korea.

At least that's what I imagine and what I've been told from certain people...

Above picture of nature's own washing powder; non edible nuts not meant for consumption. They're really expensive.

BTW, did you know that supposedly oldest organization for KADs will be celebrating its 25th anniversary this August ? Save the date, it will be held in Stockholm... the only question is weither or not I will be attending it... That remains to be seen.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Korean Language

Dirty Korean

Made In Korea

Fourth Separation Or Temporary Farewell

My reunion trip ended sooner than everyone had expected and as I'm concerned we had just eased up to each other, that inital akwardness was not so much present as it was in the beginning of my journey. Of course the language barrier still made communication a bit difficult but compared to the first few days things had improved to the better.

Surprisingly two of my dongsaeng's seemed to be more open and accepting of me; the Swedish Oni. It really hurt that the siblings that seemed to be most curious and accepting of me as a younger sister was the ones I still couldn't speak directly to without anyone translating.

But can a farewell really be compared with a fourth separation? My life continues in the same path, almost untouched by the reunion. Their lives might be more changed than mine , but honestly I really should stop comparing everything and anything.



© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Separation

미안해

언니

한국인 한국의

This is what I currently thinks about 한국의 Hangolôi  한국인 Hangôlin
A minor hint some of my blog posts are written for future publishing but I don't use automatic posting... To make one thing clear I have already planned which post to publish and since I only post once day I have preplanned post ready for posting until March and some even later... There's a very high possibility that posts that you currently are viewing right now have partially or entirely been written one or two months ago, but of course published in the actual date of the post.

I have now put the ball in motion, started to roll the wheels let's see what happens, but I'm not going to spill the beans just yet about what I'm planning and what it could be. Unfortunately, I think that I won't be able to share my secret with you, supposedly it won't be a secret for so long. But even so I prefer not reveil anything in case it will come back to haunt me, because you never know who's out there. And no, I'm actually not aware of what kind of people it is that are reading my blog. I have a guess about my ordinary readers but that's all...

Regarding secrets and confessions now.... It seems like the biggest secret and success of Coca Cola finally is out, the recepie has apparently leaked out... Could be just a rumour of course, but if it really is the recepie than I suppose the future of Coca Cola Company is threatened big time.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

한글

나의 가족

입양인

감사합니다

미안해

성형 수술

Hallyu

한류 Hallyu ... I guess most of you know what that word means, it's Korean and stands for Korean popular culture. Accordingly it's international popularity started to decrease in 2004 and the series Eternal Love, Autumn Tale, Winter Sonata, Spring Waltz and Summer Scent is supposed to be one of the major events.
Not be excluded is the drama, Full House featuring Song Hye Kyu and Rain in the main roles.

Autumn In My Heart Episode 1 Episode 1

Winter Sonata Episode 1 Part 1

Spring Waltz Episode 1 Part 1

Summer Scent Episode 1 Part 1

Recently historical costume dramas like Queen Seon Duk, Empress Chun Chu, Iljimae and Yisan is still broadcasted in Korea. And fact is that Korean dramas are very popular since it lacks unmoral elemtns like, violence, crimes and sex....

 
 
                                                                   Empress Chun Chu Episode 1 Part 1
 
 

Queen Seon Duk Episode 1 Part 1

Yi San Episode 1 Part 1

Unfortunately but not surprisingly not one of this dramas is broadcasted in Sweden, so if I want to watch them I either have to watch from my screen (computor) or order the drama from Korea, which I suppose is from where you order them.

Pop icons and singers like Rain, Clazziquai project and Shinhwa seems to have represented the spread of Korean pop music overseas. Nowadays more and more people have at least heard of pop groups like SS501, SNDS Wonder Girls and Super Junior.

Rain

SNDS Wondergirls

SS501

SNDS Girls Generation

Super Junior

I could easilly name more dramas and pop singers and pop groups but if I do I'm afraid that this post will be far to long... So I will refrain from doing so, at least this time.

Please note that this is my third post containing youtube clips...

Related posts:

Kimchi

Pop Korea

Adoption Portrayals

Orphan

As defined by Oxford Online Dictionary...

 1. A person, esp. a child, both of whose parents are dead (or, rarely, one of whose parents has died). In extended use: an abandoned or neglected child.

 a. fig. A person or thing deprived of protection, advantages, benefits, or happiness previously enjoyed; something which has been abandoned or ignored.

See article orphan.n

Related posts:

Wall

Weil

Adoption

More From Itaewon

For Valentine's Day I decided to offer another set of pictures from Korea and Seoul these were also taken in Itaewon. Please excuze some of the pictures which are a bit blurry I know.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Open Market

Tourist Sights

Korean Nature

Seoul City

Itaewon

Made In Korea

Too me Koreans are a very nice people until some extent, of course not being able to understand what some of them might say behind my back is a blessing sometimes. Actually people have never assumed that I'm from North Korea since I don't have that stamp made in Korea tattooed on my forehead.

I just look like an Asian, could be Chinese, Indian, Pakistani, you name it that is of course annoying at times but actually also a relief occassionally. But I'm proud to be Korean so I don't know what I could try to change to make people more aware of my real ethnic heritage.Me not knowing Korean isn't that strange if you believe I'm Indian, Pakistani or even Afghani. But once you understand that I'm Korean that's when it get's weird. Because I should know Korean since I'm Korean by birth but not by upbringing.

Then my knowledge of a foreign language regardless of my Asian origin will always be strange to other Asians. And my ability to speak Swedish fluently can only mean one thing.

I'm an adoptee or KAD. I just wish people wouldn't be so upthight, that instead of just assuming or secondguessing my supposed heritage I whish they , other Asian people could be brave enough to actually ask me !?

Why is it that most Swedes as well other foreigners and immigrants introduces themselves to me by using 20 really-personal-questions-because-it's-important-for-me-to-know-where-you're-from-you're parents don't look-Swedish... kind of questions. Those questions really annoys me but if it is the right person who ask them believe me, than I will actually do my best to answer them.

I have delibrately chosen to exclude fellow Swedish Korean adoptees, mainly because they don't blog in English ... At least that's my excuse... This way it also fells like I'm secure and safe able to write about things I imagine other Korean adoptees might dwell upon and this way I believe it's little chance other KADs in Sweden will get knowledge not only of this blog but also of my opinions...

The Seollal celebrations was funny, although my gut feeling said otherwise I soon got confrimation on my suspicions, and I now have the answer to something I've been wondering about for quite some time.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Separation

Korean Language

Unpatriotic Swede

What I'll Never Be

I'll never be an ordinary woman, or that average Joe. Being adopted isn't normal and yet so many has been adopted overseas like I. Maybe I wouldn't feel so strongly about this if it wasn't for the fact that I do feel like in the equation of adoption there's one component that generally is overlooked and ignored. And that would be the birthparents, why do adoptive parents seem to believe that once you have your child safe in your arms then adoption isn't really that big of a deal !?

Adoption is common, but just because something is common it too me at least, doesn't neccessarilly mean that is normal. To tell me what my life would have been like if I hadn't been adopted is really uncalled for since it is nothing else but pure speculations. There's no room for that, generalizations or prejudices on this blog.

If my birth family would have consisted of either a or b I might have been more easilly assimilated into the Swedish culture. Of course I suppose I was while I was growing up but now I've started to walk along a different cold, dark and lonely road.

Why would it be so difficult for me to try to learn more about Korea while not forgetting my Swedish upringing...

I whish I didn't even have to write this post but I still chose to...

Adoptive families will never become an average Joe family despite the fact that many families consists of adoptees... Adoptive parents don't get their children from bird nests, adoptees already have a known history one that you should try to remember but not dwell on too much while the child is really young. But then again children are more mature than one says so you'll be the judge of that.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Synonyms

Challenge

Immigrant

Glossary

Adoption

Let's Make Some Piece Of Cake

Yesterday and earlier today it started snowing heavilly in Sweden as always when this happens it's chaos. Hopefully it will have stopped snowing tomorrow, I hope it does since I will be attending a Korean New Year's Party then...

Today I made my first attempt of Red Velvet Cake , you know the real Red Velvet Cake from the US... and also since it's Valentine's Day on Monday something kind of Swedish; Vanilla Hearts . Home made, and my dad also requested long time ago that I would make another Lemon Meringue Pie which I did. I almost forgot; the recepies used are in Swedish...

The Vanilla Hearts looks like hearts but on the other side and they were delicious... not that I tried them. Next time I'm considering making my own custard as filling, this time I cheated a bit and used the ready made custard only adding milk.

Is this blog turning into a  food and cooking blog ? No, I assure you that it's not it just happens to be one of the many things I enjoy doing. And no baking sweets isn't really Korean, not Korean at all... but I will continue baking and occassionally publish my latest attempts in the kitchen.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

About Me

Swedish Weather

Unpatriotic Swede

A somewhat signifant difference between being raised in Korea compared to Sweden that I havn't yet discussed is the fact that Sweden hasn't been in a war for many, many centuries. No kidding. We don't even have mandatory military service like they do in South Korea and (I havn't been raised in a country that's on standby) meaning the North Korean situation.

(And no I'm well aware of the fact that Sweden has deployed an army in other countries, but that's not the point of this particular post)

Because of this I have been raised in a country that has started to take peace for granted, my personal conclusion nothing else. Did you for example know that Sweden don't even allow men and women that are interested to do military service to join? It's sort of like trying out for the Swedish police academy training. Crazy right?

Maybe I'm overexaggerating now but I believe that since Sweden has been a peaceful nation from the Gustav Vasa period Swedes have losed that natural patriotic feeling. We can only attempt to recreate the same kind of feelings and unity by participating or watch sports events or competitions.

I suppose people tend to get confussed when it comes to my personal name, since I actually isn't making things better by constantly having an artefact in another name with me...


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


Related posts:

General Election

Swedish Politics

Korean Conflict

언니

언니 sister , is it really all right that I call you sister? Do you know how much I'd like to not only tell you about my life but also somehow , even if it is unrealistic make you a part of my life? Share my secrets with you, joke around with you and confide in you in times of trouble...

However that is presently not likely to materialize mainly because of my limited knowledge in Hangul although I'm learning it. And then there's also the cultural aspect which cannot be denied, you as well as the rest of my family where raised in a Confucian society that still seems to prioritaze a hierarchial system. Compared to Korea ,Sweden is much more equal at least it's supposed to be so even if I learn Hangul we might never be able to understand and relate to one another, which basically means we might never be like real sisters even if we are because we share the same blood although we were to be separated and raised independently and without knowledge of each other for years.

But 언니 Unni do you know that I love you? I really hope you do...

Related posts:

감사합니다

입양인

미안해

사랑해요 아빠

나의 가족

Adoption

as defined by Oxford Online Dictionary

 1. The action of voluntarily taking into any relation; esp. of taking into sonship.

a1387 J. Trevisa tr. R. Higden Polychron. (St. John's Cambr.) V. 213 Pelagius‥seide þat it nedeþ nouȝt to cristene children for to clense hem of synne, but for to worshippe hem wiþ þe sacrament of adopcioun [L. ut sacramento adoptionis honorentur].

1483 Caxton tr. Caton a iiij. The second [kind of cousin] is legale, the whiche cause is by adopcyon.

1581    J. Marbeck Bk. of Notes 15. The Lawiers‥define Adoption to be a legitimate act imitating nature, found out for their solace and comfort, which haue no children.

1603 Shakespeare Hamlet i. iii. 62 Those friends thou hast, and their adoptions tried, Graple them to thee with a hoope of steele.

1755 Bp. T. Sherlock Disc. I. viii. 230 The Spirit itself, that is the Spirit of Adoption, which Christians receive, is one Witness.

1875 H. E. Manning Internal Mission of Holy Ghost i. 18 We are made sons of God by adoption.

b.1644–58 J. Cleveland Gen. Poems (1677) 118 As Chickens are hatcht at Grand Cairo by the Adoption of an Oven.

c. viewed passively, The fact of being so adopted; adopted relation or condition.

 2a. The act of taking up and treating as one's own; acceptance, espousal.

 b. Philol. (as used in this Dict.) The taking of a word belonging to a foreign language into regular use in our own, without (intentional) change of form; a special instance of this process.

 c. passively, The fact of being so taken up and accepted; the being adopted

See link to article adoption.n

Related posts:

입양인

Adoptee Glossary

Adoption Feel

Adoption Portrayals

Swedish Weather

Ever since the last few weeks in November of 2010 Sweden has been covered in snow, and the weather has actually been cold ever since. Not that that would be anything out of the ordinary, believe me. Snow is just one of those things I can't influence and that I've learned to accept without almost taking it for granted.

It's snowing again, oh well guess I'll have to use my snow boots.

However the winter weather of 2010 hit new records as it hadn't been that cold or snowed that much for centuries. Centuries! Last time the Swedish weather looked like that was in 1850s. 1850s. Unbelievable.

I suspect that spring will come late this year... hopefully it will be spring by my birthday in a few months. In the evening I tried making Foccacio, the Italian bread...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Female Suffrage

Cinnemon Bun Day

Swedish Politics

Female Discrimination

Jean Baptiste

The Weil

Have you noticed that you easilly could become a permanent reader of this blog without having to worry about spelling and blog address?

It's not like my Korean birth parents or my siblings understands me better than my adoptive parents does. If there's a wall between me and my adoptive parents then there's a weil between me and my Bumo and my Onni's, Hyung's and Dongsaeng's. When it comes to my birth family it's like I always see myself emotionally walking through quick sand or like I'm drowning and there's nobody around to save me. Maybe things will always be like that, but I guess it can't help to try too learn Korean if I want to achive 2 % or less of that real unconditional bond between siblings and sisters that I really long for but hasn't been able to experience for real.

It's not like I could call any of my Onni's in the middle of the night just too talk, not that I'm sure if you do that normally but I imagine that you would....

Or asking my Hyung's for serious advice, I wonder if I ever will be able to do that... Maybe some day, in my dreams most likely.

As for my Bumo's I'm not sure how filial piety would be best described but would I be prepared to marry someone that they've chosen for me as a husband ... And then next would be children would I accept to have a child with just anyone whenever my parents would tell me to...
Those last two are hard ones difficult to process, maybe I would have to conform to my parents advice would I have been raised under their care and love but reality does not look like this, not for me. But I imagine that it does  look like this for my siblings. At least to some extent.

As life has it now I think that my parents only wishes that I some day in the  future would see me finding love, not neccesssarilly marrying and maybe have a child or to somewhere down the road. One advantage for me parents is that they don't have any responsability of finding me a spouse to marry that's hard enogh with several daughters. Now I guess all they can do is hope that I will find my most suitable life path and maybe at times offer me guidance.



© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Legacy

Heart

Wall

Fullfilment

Dirty Korean

In this book you get the unique oppertunity to learn real Korean slang and , which I wouldn't dare to call Dirty Korean... It's funny but I'm unsure of how useful it might actually be..

.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

한글

Nothing To Envy

Pop Goes Korea

Somewhere Inside

Day In The Life

I'm an adoptee and my adoptive parents are White Westerners, Swedes and not having a similar appearance always made people at least seem extra interested in me as a child:

Where is she from... (or rather where's he from people assumed I was a boy based on my hair)...

As I grew older it happened more frequently that people believed I was an immigrant or even worse an which I will not write...

One thing you never can escape from is that being an international adoptee people don't respect your personal boundries. Asking questions like: Where are you from..?, by which they actually mean where you were born or more particularly where your parents were born....

Other common questions include:

Can you speak... [insert optional language]... ? Have you seen your parents and meet your birth family? How was it?

Attempting to create a family by international adoption does have its very unique traits like for instance trying to raise your child with awareness of its other family and at the same not implying or pointing to the actual ethnical differences... Some children, or adoptees might feel provoked and irritated by this kind of attitude among their adoptive parents.... For some adoptees the identity only consits of the culture, upbringing and family that adoption brought with it. That should be acceptable as well, although I personally have another opinion...

The other day when mum and I was talking she refered to my renuion trip as a vacation since it not only coinsided with her and dad's holiday but was in fact planned during it. To me, even though my reunion took place in the summer on my summer break to me it was nothing but a vacation or holiday.

Why?

Because I seriously don't think that you're supposed to feel worried, anexious, sadness and suffer from sleep deprivation and disrupted sleep during a holiday. If that's your view of an ordinary holiday then I think you've seriously missed something.

Yesterday, mum reminded my brother of my name change which he seemed to have forgotten and then he asked what I called myself on a daily basis. Again, mum's remark was that I still went by my old name at home, this made me annoyed based on two things.

Firstly, I was in the same room at the time and I'm no longer a child so I should be able to speak for myself.
Secondly, I'm not an item why can't mum seem to understand that !? I usually don't answer when my parents call me by my old name which I by the way completely has removed.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

What Not To

Dairy

Adoption Portrayals

Emotional Change

Happy New Year 새해 복 많이 받으세요 Saehae Bok Manhi Baduseyo!!!! Today is Lunar New Year,  or Seollnal in Korean. 2011 = first day of the rabbit.

I've spent approximately 15 + years being angry, annoyed and disappointed only to learn that what actually happened wasn't even close too what was officially stated. Now I'm no longer an angry adoptee per see, well maybe I'm a bit angry at the system but not nearly as much as I used to be.

Now I find myself, filled with an almost overwhelming feeling of sorrow so yes I'm sad over anything else and also somewhat confussed.... Maybe some would say my name change was unneccessary first of all, I might even have made things more complicated for myself... But I've spent up until now trying to adjust, accumulate and fit in and its only now that I'm starting to grasp who I really am. Not somebody's daughter or woman; but me, what it is that makes me the person that I am.

Yesterday I started thinking that I might not have felt so strongly for a name change if the general view and attitude for adoptees would have been different and maybe, just maybe I might not have attempted it if it hadn't been for the reactions I recieved from my adoptive parents. I love my adoptive family, I do but I shouldn't have to feel obligated to choose between the family who gave me life and the family that raised me...

I'm Swedish by adoption, it's not something I chose, I can't change that... But it should be allright for me to try to live my life as I like and if a personal name change has a purpose to me by which it makes me feel complete than no one should try to talk me out of it. I was never really Swedish so , you have no reason to really feel upset by my attempts of regaining my true self... My Korean me.

It has absolutely nothing to do with rewriting the past, replacing one set of parents with the other, one sibling for the other... My life is filled with many good memories as well and I'm not after forgetting the past, the past still hurts sometimes... But I try not dwell on it for to long, I appreciate things I have but I also am very much aware of things I lost. Therefore I'm still unable to ignore the past, I want to remember it because it has shaped me to the person that I am today.

Also I seem to have made a slight mistake, since I can't really say that I'm totally satisfied with my answer, relating back to my previous post Satisfaction. Instead I'm as satisfied as I possibly can be but no, there's still a long way left til 100% satisfaction.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Challenge

Tiger

Rabbit

Rainbow

Fullfilment

Love

Satisfaction

I'm satisfied to know that even though the decision to relinguish me up for adoption might be considered as the ultimate betrayal in my case it was only taken due to many unfortunate events; a matter of life and death.

Yet I've just realized that I for one is most likely to upon moving to Korea; feel like an alien and be recieving constant treatment of stigma and maybe even head towards the same or similar future like my Omma or Onni... Not that that neccessarilly is wrong but maybe you could notice the contradiction here...

If I move to Korea I might fall in love with a Korean and after that I suppose I might marry and eventually become a mother, but that's not for certain....  This would mean that I might be stigmatized not only because I am an adoptee but also based on the fact that I'm a woman...

I suppose living in Sweden being raised as a Swede do have its benefits...

Yet I can never totally escape from being stigmatized, you are stigmaitzed based on what kind of social , ethnic categories you fit into just to name a few.  And the Korean government is making serious attempts to improve the situation for the most stigmatized people in Korea.
But regardless of stigma or not, every inch of my body whisper and urge me to go to Korea, My Birth Land I still have a large woid inside me on an emotional and psychological level.

I suppose as humans, we're never supposed to be completely satisfied, for instance brunettes and dark haired people might long for blonde hair while those with straight hair might want curls instead. Or if you happen to have brown or green eyes you might favour blue eyes instead. Eye colour and hair colour are two of humans physical traits and it just so happens that those are the ones people can control.

Having a different skin colour is different, if it's because of another ethnic origin be it Asian, Afro American, Latino, or whatever those are things we can't change. Of course you could try to alter and hide your skin colour by different cosmetics products and treatments but still you'll always be what you were born to be....


Related posts:

I Wonder

Deep Down

Fullfilment

Adoption Portrayals

Balance

Although I have started to use Korean phrases and words occasionally I never intended to write long complicated posts in Hangul or Korean. This is becuase the topics and content in most post can be rather controversial as it reflects my current mood and experience from being a KAD or adoptee. If I suddenly started to write in Hangul I suspect that I might lose a lot of people that occasionally reads this blog and there's a small chance that my birth family members would be able to read my blog, which although it's a long shoot still can happen...

For their sake I've decided to continue bloging without reveiling my true identity...
Balance.., yes, what's with all these Swedish remakes of Extreme Home Makeover!? Last year Fuskbyggarna  The Fake Builders started, this year another channel just finished airing Byggfällan, The Building Trap and now a third channel has started to broadcast a show called Sofia's Änglar Sophia's Angels which is really similar to Extreme Home Makeover while Fuskbyggarna and Byggfällan is somewhat different since it wants to help people that has been stuck with crushed dreams as as a result of cheating builders and fake contracters..

Some days ago I went to see another movie starring Noomi Rapace as well as her ex husband Ola Rapace...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

한글

Wall

Ending