Emotional Change

Happy New Year 새해 복 많이 받으세요 Saehae Bok Manhi Baduseyo!!!! Today is Lunar New Year,  or Seollnal in Korean. 2011 = first day of the rabbit.

I've spent approximately 15 + years being angry, annoyed and disappointed only to learn that what actually happened wasn't even close too what was officially stated. Now I'm no longer an angry adoptee per see, well maybe I'm a bit angry at the system but not nearly as much as I used to be.

Now I find myself, filled with an almost overwhelming feeling of sorrow so yes I'm sad over anything else and also somewhat confussed.... Maybe some would say my name change was unneccessary first of all, I might even have made things more complicated for myself... But I've spent up until now trying to adjust, accumulate and fit in and its only now that I'm starting to grasp who I really am. Not somebody's daughter or woman; but me, what it is that makes me the person that I am.

Yesterday I started thinking that I might not have felt so strongly for a name change if the general view and attitude for adoptees would have been different and maybe, just maybe I might not have attempted it if it hadn't been for the reactions I recieved from my adoptive parents. I love my adoptive family, I do but I shouldn't have to feel obligated to choose between the family who gave me life and the family that raised me...

I'm Swedish by adoption, it's not something I chose, I can't change that... But it should be allright for me to try to live my life as I like and if a personal name change has a purpose to me by which it makes me feel complete than no one should try to talk me out of it. I was never really Swedish so , you have no reason to really feel upset by my attempts of regaining my true self... My Korean me.

It has absolutely nothing to do with rewriting the past, replacing one set of parents with the other, one sibling for the other... My life is filled with many good memories as well and I'm not after forgetting the past, the past still hurts sometimes... But I try not dwell on it for to long, I appreciate things I have but I also am very much aware of things I lost. Therefore I'm still unable to ignore the past, I want to remember it because it has shaped me to the person that I am today.

Also I seem to have made a slight mistake, since I can't really say that I'm totally satisfied with my answer, relating back to my previous post Satisfaction. Instead I'm as satisfied as I possibly can be but no, there's still a long way left til 100% satisfaction.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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