A few days ago I was hanging out with a class-mate after class, then my class-mate asked about another friend of mine.
My class-mate told me she thought that she was my sister, the thing is my friend is Indian and I'm Korean. Confussing, right? Well, my class-mate isn't a Swede but lives in Sweden, talks Swedish and all that.
I suppose a person that was born or raised in Sweden would know the difference between a Korean and an Indian.. But not even that's certain I know...
Well, I suppose that if I had to pick a famous person that resembled me it would have to be America Ferrara's character Betty Suarez from Ugly Betty. And I do know that both America Ferrara as Betty Surez both are Mexican. But still it would have to be her, because she does resemble me the most...
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Pain
Appreciation
Never Happy
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Resemblance And Connection
There was a few things which I was able to experience on the Day of the first meeting at the agency, and that would be the feeling of confrimation of finding an actual fysical resemblance between me, my birth parents and of course my birth siblings. They were real, not just black letter on a piece of paper or figures inside my head created out of my own imagination. And that feeling was priceless, yet I wasn't able to appreciate it when it actually happened. I belong somewhere, I do have birth parents and blood relations... And that not even my adoptive parents could spoil...
Once I knew that there was a few fysical functions and apperances that I shared with my siblings and birth mum, more than anyone I finally knew that I for sure was there birth daughter, birth sibling and prodigal birth daughter. Personally I did feel incredible relieved, I didn't need a DNA- test to prove that I was their's, their forgotten, unknown returned from the death child, daughter and sister.
There simply were to many covincidences just be ignored...
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Preparing
Best And Worst Day
First Days
Once I knew that there was a few fysical functions and apperances that I shared with my siblings and birth mum, more than anyone I finally knew that I for sure was there birth daughter, birth sibling and prodigal birth daughter. Personally I did feel incredible relieved, I didn't need a DNA- test to prove that I was their's, their forgotten, unknown returned from the death child, daughter and sister.
There simply were to many covincidences just be ignored...
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Preparing
Best And Worst Day
First Days
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Open Market
All of the above are pictures taken by me earlier this summer in Korea.
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Korean Food
Korean Food 2
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Korean Food
Korean Food 2
Oh Crap
Why, does everything I do have to become a problem ? Why do I always seem to get in conflict with a lot of people? Why did I have to be stubborn and fight for myself instead of dropping out? If I had done that I might not have been in the situation that I am in now. I probably shouldn't be so open about this, but then again why should I lie ? Pretend that everything is fine, when it honestly isn't. You can't hide anymore I finally know the truth, they only care about top students, neglecting everyone else. But why should I be punished for not being a super intelligent student !?
One thing is certain I will not be advicing people, relatives or friends to study the topic I've chosen to study at this particular Swedish University. At least not here, and it just so happens that there are other alternatives if you do want to study the same topic.That's for sure. It's no understatement this sucks, big time.
I am aware of the content and language of this post, it's somewhat personal and negative and I'm sorry for that. I might be extremely sensitive or just one of those people that always is creating trouble and always argues or fights. Whatever you think of me above are your choices.
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Ordinary Day
One thing is certain I will not be advicing people, relatives or friends to study the topic I've chosen to study at this particular Swedish University. At least not here, and it just so happens that there are other alternatives if you do want to study the same topic.That's for sure. It's no understatement this sucks, big time.
I am aware of the content and language of this post, it's somewhat personal and negative and I'm sorry for that. I might be extremely sensitive or just one of those people that always is creating trouble and always argues or fights. Whatever you think of me above are your choices.
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Ordinary Day
Friday, 29 October 2010
Adoption Agencies In Sweden
Below is a list of Swedish adoption agencies, please note that I will not go into detail about each agency. At the top are agencies that is licensed to handle Korean adoption.
Related posts:
Inter Country Adoption
My Adoptive Parents
- AC, Adoptionscentrum since 1980 only agency for Korean adoption
- BV, Barnens Vänner International Adoption from 1980
- BFA -A, Barnen Framför Allt Adoptioner from 1980
- FFIA, Familjeföreningen För Internationell Adoption since 1980
- ALC, Adoptionsföreningen La Casa, from 1998 only Colombia
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
Inter Country Adoption
My Adoptive Parents
♥Dad♥ And I
A few days ago I asked my father the following;
Dad would 249 SEK per month be too much money to be spent on a Christmas present?
Dad : Oh, no don't tell me you're still thinking of a laptop for Christmas!? You're thinking of a laptop, right ?
Me : Dad, you're wrong it isn't a laptop it's something else, something I'm not sure you even would consider based on what you told me in the past.
Dad: Then it must be a laptop !? What else could it be ? Besides you don't need a laptop once you move back home.
Me: I'd like a monthly sponsorship for a child...
Dad: Have you ever gotten Christmas presents that you didn't want?
Question: Should I wish for Christmas presents or not this year? If I decide not too I might get gifts I don't like, should I then go against my belief just keep my family happy?
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Mum And I
Dad would 249 SEK per month be too much money to be spent on a Christmas present?
Dad : Oh, no don't tell me you're still thinking of a laptop for Christmas!? You're thinking of a laptop, right ?
Me : Dad, you're wrong it isn't a laptop it's something else, something I'm not sure you even would consider based on what you told me in the past.
Dad: Then it must be a laptop !? What else could it be ? Besides you don't need a laptop once you move back home.
Me: I'd like a monthly sponsorship for a child...
Dad: Have you ever gotten Christmas presents that you didn't want?
Question: Should I wish for Christmas presents or not this year? If I decide not too I might get gifts I don't like, should I then go against my belief just keep my family happy?
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Mum And I
Don't Read This
I have from time too time asked myself if I would have been more contempt with my background had my Korean family looked different... Would I have been able to accept my situation if my birth family had consisted of a single mother and unknown birth father ? Or possibly a young or older widow?
Sometimes I think I would have but that's not for certain. I think I wouldn't have been able to accept such a situation either, because to me single or unwed is for me not a good enough reason to give away a child for adoption. But of course that's easy for me to say now. The idea of being seperated from your own flesh and blood withou any other solution to me, is unacceptable but then again I say this based on the fact that that idea seems to impossible for me to accept.
In Sweden many families consists of unwed parents as well as single and we also have social security here.
Regardless I know that we can't change things that already has happened or predict or faith in advance... Also this post is basically only pure speculations of what I do believe I might have thought of my own situation had been any different. But that's basically only a waste of time and energy and if yu have been stupid enough to read this post... Then congratulations, you've wasted approximately 3 minutes of your life, time and energy just reading this post.
Don't blame me if you think this post is useless because I have already warned you..
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Please Read
1000
Sometimes I think I would have but that's not for certain. I think I wouldn't have been able to accept such a situation either, because to me single or unwed is for me not a good enough reason to give away a child for adoption. But of course that's easy for me to say now. The idea of being seperated from your own flesh and blood withou any other solution to me, is unacceptable but then again I say this based on the fact that that idea seems to impossible for me to accept.
In Sweden many families consists of unwed parents as well as single and we also have social security here.
Regardless I know that we can't change things that already has happened or predict or faith in advance... Also this post is basically only pure speculations of what I do believe I might have thought of my own situation had been any different. But that's basically only a waste of time and energy and if yu have been stupid enough to read this post... Then congratulations, you've wasted approximately 3 minutes of your life, time and energy just reading this post.
Don't blame me if you think this post is useless because I have already warned you..
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Please Read
1000
Thursday, 28 October 2010
The D Day
It's sort of become a tradition, going steady now for the 4th year. My mum's a teacher so she has Halloween break for a week. Usually this means my mum spends the week with me and she will be doing the same this year too... Why break a tradition , right !?
Only this time I'm not sure if we will be able to get along for a week. She's scheduled to arrive on Monday... Expect my blog to be not as active, but do expect the worst if you havn't heard from me before the 10th of November or so. Lol. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Another thing that I recently realized is that my teacher or is it professor doesn't really care about me or more particularly my studies. My teacher's or especially teacher basically don't a crap about me anymore. How do I know this? Teacher collects all my assignments and exams in a special folder, which I've seen. Instead of spending a limited amount of time of correcting one assignment at a time, they are all saved for later. Last year I had a problem getting my Studentloan application renewed because of missing credits. Today I miss a semester's worth of credits because my professor seems to ignore me. The thing is that I will probably not be granted another period on a Student loan and I had already made plans to move back in with my parents around Christmas. Now this time I've spent waiting I could have spent on making corrections and redos of my old not yet corrected things. I had hoped my professor would be able to at least give them back to me before I move away. I know I should be studying but suddenly I don't feel like it it sort of seems useless for me since my teacher don't look at the things I hand in. I suppose I coud spend my time cleaning my apartment for my mum's stay.Sure feels that would do more good than studying, right now.
Fact: My teacher is no longer interested in me, why I else would I be waiting for 3 months just to get my results? The universities rules says that an ordinary exam has to be corrected with 14 workdays... I don't get it, do they have their own rules !?
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
The List
Mum And I
Only this time I'm not sure if we will be able to get along for a week. She's scheduled to arrive on Monday... Expect my blog to be not as active, but do expect the worst if you havn't heard from me before the 10th of November or so. Lol. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Another thing that I recently realized is that my teacher or is it professor doesn't really care about me or more particularly my studies. My teacher's or especially teacher basically don't a crap about me anymore. How do I know this? Teacher collects all my assignments and exams in a special folder, which I've seen. Instead of spending a limited amount of time of correcting one assignment at a time, they are all saved for later. Last year I had a problem getting my Studentloan application renewed because of missing credits. Today I miss a semester's worth of credits because my professor seems to ignore me. The thing is that I will probably not be granted another period on a Student loan and I had already made plans to move back in with my parents around Christmas. Now this time I've spent waiting I could have spent on making corrections and redos of my old not yet corrected things. I had hoped my professor would be able to at least give them back to me before I move away. I know I should be studying but suddenly I don't feel like it it sort of seems useless for me since my teacher don't look at the things I hand in. I suppose I coud spend my time cleaning my apartment for my mum's stay.Sure feels that would do more good than studying, right now.
Fact: My teacher is no longer interested in me, why I else would I be waiting for 3 months just to get my results? The universities rules says that an ordinary exam has to be corrected with 14 workdays... I don't get it, do they have their own rules !?
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
The List
Mum And I
Selfishness
Sometimes I think that it might have been selfish of me to not only request a renuion this past summer but also to actually initate a birth family search in the first place. I have many friends who might not have that much information of their birth family to begin with, but I do. I always have, sometimes I think it would have been better if I hadn't been so greedy.
Of course everything worked out better than expected, but still maybe I should have been content with the information I already had. Believing in what it initally said my papers has been hard at times, but it seems easier to accept that than the new more accurate version....
Was it really selfish of me to initiate a birth family search some 5 years or so ago? Was it it selfish is to request a reunion with my birth family?
Would I have accepted a possible decline, maybe that would have been easier to accept than the pain from what I know now.
Unrelated goofs: We're supposed to or preferably encouraged to make case studies in our thesis but in my case it would be almost impossible to achieve a case study. Let´s say I do make it to Korea, than the next challenge would be how to get access to the information that I need. It's highly unlikely that I would allowed to meet Korean birth mother's or business people responsible or active in this field. And personally that never was my intention from the start, since I've understood the big stigma with inter country adoption in Korea.
♥챠금은안녕.Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Don't Read
Of course everything worked out better than expected, but still maybe I should have been content with the information I already had. Believing in what it initally said my papers has been hard at times, but it seems easier to accept that than the new more accurate version....
Was it really selfish of me to initiate a birth family search some 5 years or so ago? Was it it selfish is to request a reunion with my birth family?
Would I have accepted a possible decline, maybe that would have been easier to accept than the pain from what I know now.
Unrelated goofs: We're supposed to or preferably encouraged to make case studies in our thesis but in my case it would be almost impossible to achieve a case study. Let´s say I do make it to Korea, than the next challenge would be how to get access to the information that I need. It's highly unlikely that I would allowed to meet Korean birth mother's or business people responsible or active in this field. And personally that never was my intention from the start, since I've understood the big stigma with inter country adoption in Korea.
♥챠금은안녕.Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Don't Read
Change Of Heart
The message of this blog might possibly be a little negative and controversial but let me just point out that I didn't use too be this sensitive, critical or negative. I used to believe that international adoption really had saved me. I used to be pro inter country adoption but I'm not any more.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Changes
- Things leading to my adoption isn't generally common
- Yet I refuse to forget that ny case is the only one
- My adoptive parents offered me material wealth and security that is a fact
- My birth family's life was hard but I don't think they complain about it
- I don't know Korean culture or customs that well
- My life before reunion seems to be easier and happier but just as confusing
- Adoption has given me another life
- I wish that it will become possible for poor families and single mother's to raise their children instead of inter country adoption
- I wouldn't have a younger brother in Sweden
- I might never get too really know my birth family but I have at least meet them
- Maybe its a good thing that someone is willing even hoping to adopt children through inter country adoption
- I just wish I knew Korean culture better; I have tasted kimchi, sat on the floor while eating and I own an authentic Hanbok
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
Changes
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
In My Shoes
I got inspiration to this post after having the post Born Too Lose at another Swedish KAD's blog.
The link above is an abstract from a Swedish Korean adoptee and it is also an example of the emotions, stigma and social and societal pressure from society. And do believe I too feel the same, from time too time. But even more amazing is the comment that this blogger recieved from a Swedish citizens in pre election times.
Translation: Try to cheer up because if you don't then its possible that the Sweden Democrats (SD) will use you in their election propaganda. They would say; ungrateful, nagging immigrant, you should be sent home from where you came from. Your wellbeing is a garantee for a continued democratic and open Sweden. This should be a good enough reason to cheer up if not for your own wellbeing, right?
First of all international adoptees are not considered immigrants, that's a fact. Second, I think this fear of the Sweden Democrat's has been overexaggerated and a reaction similar to the one we now are experiencing is to be expected because of recession and high unemplyment in Sweden. Moreover, never, ever give an adoptee an advice if you're not a really close friend or fellow adoptee. Because it do become obvious that the reader isn't a adoptee and therefore can't understand many adoptee's ordinary struggles on a daily basis. That really makes me, so - so extremely angry.
Was the reader really scared of a new undemocratic Sweden or a believer of the Sweden Democrat's politics? I'm only asking...
♥챠금은안녕.Bye for now.♥
Related posts:
New Era
The link above is an abstract from a Swedish Korean adoptee and it is also an example of the emotions, stigma and social and societal pressure from society. And do believe I too feel the same, from time too time. But even more amazing is the comment that this blogger recieved from a Swedish citizens in pre election times.
Translation: Try to cheer up because if you don't then its possible that the Sweden Democrats (SD) will use you in their election propaganda. They would say; ungrateful, nagging immigrant, you should be sent home from where you came from. Your wellbeing is a garantee for a continued democratic and open Sweden. This should be a good enough reason to cheer up if not for your own wellbeing, right?
First of all international adoptees are not considered immigrants, that's a fact. Second, I think this fear of the Sweden Democrat's has been overexaggerated and a reaction similar to the one we now are experiencing is to be expected because of recession and high unemplyment in Sweden. Moreover, never, ever give an adoptee an advice if you're not a really close friend or fellow adoptee. Because it do become obvious that the reader isn't a adoptee and therefore can't understand many adoptee's ordinary struggles on a daily basis. That really makes me, so - so extremely angry.
Was the reader really scared of a new undemocratic Sweden or a believer of the Sweden Democrat's politics? I'm only asking...
♥챠금은안녕.Bye for now.♥
Related posts:
New Era
An Ordinary Day
I will try not to complain today; in this post. All my life I have sometimes longed for an ordinary life, without having to feel split, confussed and torn in two. I would try to imagine a life filled with guy problems, love and relationship issues and maybe at times also dieting issues. School related problems, things like that.Ordinary problems that is. Not issues relating to my personal identity, my two families or the real reason behind my adoption.
But confessing that I long for an ordinary life is not easy especially if it would mean that in an ordinary imagined life with one ordinary family the other one would not exist. Then which family do I consider as my real true family? The family who raised me or the family who never knew me but who created me? Because it is impossible for me to choose I conclude that I never could have an ordinary life with ordinary issues, challenges and problems.
Maybe I'll experience a lifelong identity crisis... maybe not. I just want to for once be able to feel content with my life, maybe even happy but I can't seem to .. at least not yet.
Would an ordinary life with ordinary parents and family be better? If I long for the ordinary things wouldn't it mean that I ultimately also long for things like divorce, infedelity, teen pregnancy, abortion, life on a tight budget, alcoholism, abuse, drug addiction... and whatever else. Wouldn't it? And would that really be better?
I believe a person forms and creates his our hers opinions and thoughts from their own life experience.. maybe that could be a reason why my mum seems to react so strongly towards my negative attitude towards inter country adoption.... That's my personal opinion and I realize that it might be provocative, but honestly it isn't intentional it's truthfully nothing else than my personal conviction...
I really should start studying on my PM draft and thesis structure but honestly I have no energy or inspiration. But I have managed to barrow some books from the library. That's always something.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Random Rants
LCHF
But confessing that I long for an ordinary life is not easy especially if it would mean that in an ordinary imagined life with one ordinary family the other one would not exist. Then which family do I consider as my real true family? The family who raised me or the family who never knew me but who created me? Because it is impossible for me to choose I conclude that I never could have an ordinary life with ordinary issues, challenges and problems.
Maybe I'll experience a lifelong identity crisis... maybe not. I just want to for once be able to feel content with my life, maybe even happy but I can't seem to .. at least not yet.
Would an ordinary life with ordinary parents and family be better? If I long for the ordinary things wouldn't it mean that I ultimately also long for things like divorce, infedelity, teen pregnancy, abortion, life on a tight budget, alcoholism, abuse, drug addiction... and whatever else. Wouldn't it? And would that really be better?
I believe a person forms and creates his our hers opinions and thoughts from their own life experience.. maybe that could be a reason why my mum seems to react so strongly towards my negative attitude towards inter country adoption.... That's my personal opinion and I realize that it might be provocative, but honestly it isn't intentional it's truthfully nothing else than my personal conviction...
I really should start studying on my PM draft and thesis structure but honestly I have no energy or inspiration. But I have managed to barrow some books from the library. That's always something.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Random Rants
LCHF
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Delayed Name Change (Again)
I really thought that I finally had been granted permission for my third name change... guess what!? It seems like I still havn't been named what I officially would like.
I will have to live in nomansland without an identity for a few more days or weeks. In worst case scenario I would have to send in a new application and maybe, maybe have to pay another 1000SEK.
Update: Apparently you have to contact the Swedish Tax authorities to get your name officially changed. Although a name change application have to be sent to another Swedish authority. The last one changes you records but can't change your official name. If everything goes well I'll be able to finally go by the name I wanted for at last 3 months or even longer. The best part of it is that it just was a phone call away, so no extra fee additionally 1000 SEK has had to be spent. I'm keeping my fingers crossed now...
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Final Rebirth
- This could be due to the long working process or time it takes to make a name change
- They might have given me a new name they created themselves
- The last reason would be that it is all just a misunderstanding
I will have to live in nomansland without an identity for a few more days or weeks. In worst case scenario I would have to send in a new application and maybe, maybe have to pay another 1000SEK.
Update: Apparently you have to contact the Swedish Tax authorities to get your name officially changed. Although a name change application have to be sent to another Swedish authority. The last one changes you records but can't change your official name. If everything goes well I'll be able to finally go by the name I wanted for at last 3 months or even longer. The best part of it is that it just was a phone call away, so no extra fee additionally 1000 SEK has had to be spent. I'm keeping my fingers crossed now...
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Final Rebirth
Future Plans
- Get University degree
- Learn Korean
- Start looking for a job
- Get my own place
- Get another pet
- Publish a book or two
- Start my own business
- Possibly start lobbying for KOROOT, TRACK or GOAL
- Considering going to Korea for Choseok and Korean New Year
- Move to Korea for one year or so
- Maybe start teaching English in Korea
- Have Korean style wedding or wedding in Korea, haha that one is really, really far away... Let's just say that if I ever where to decide to get married I for sure will consider those two options.
- No more Christmas with gifts, what's wrong with me !?
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Writers Dream
Monday, 25 October 2010
Writer's Dream
Yes, it's true one of my dreams is too publish a book; one biography possibly and maybe one novel.
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
New Blog
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
New Blog
♥Mum♥And I
You know how they say; men are from Mars - women are from Venus. Sometimes it seems like mum really can't understand what I'm saying, and then she always have to say:
You didn't honestly think that... !?
I could mention many examples but I will only bring up the most recent.
Me: If I go to Korea for three months than I think I would be able to learn Korean.
Mum: Do you honestly think that your siblings would have time to teach you Korean!?
Sometimes my mum really manages to hurt me, and in this case I was talking about the likelihood of learning Korean while in Korea. I think that it would be easier to pick up a few phrases here and there and I wasn't talking about my siblings teaching me Korean, so why does my mum delibrately bring up my siblings!? It seems my mum only brings it up in the most uncomfortable times. And why on earth do mum always sems to misunderstand me !? Mothers are from Venus and daughters are from Neptune.
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
My Adoptive Parents
You didn't honestly think that... !?
I could mention many examples but I will only bring up the most recent.
Me: If I go to Korea for three months than I think I would be able to learn Korean.
Mum: Do you honestly think that your siblings would have time to teach you Korean!?
Sometimes my mum really manages to hurt me, and in this case I was talking about the likelihood of learning Korean while in Korea. I think that it would be easier to pick up a few phrases here and there and I wasn't talking about my siblings teaching me Korean, so why does my mum delibrately bring up my siblings!? It seems my mum only brings it up in the most uncomfortable times. And why on earth do mum always sems to misunderstand me !? Mothers are from Venus and daughters are from Neptune.
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
My Adoptive Parents
Sunday, 24 October 2010
How
How am I supposed to move on now... knowing not only that my adoption was a shameful, hidden ting but also a mistake. Something my birth parents wasn't responsible for and even tried to take me back... Someone please tell me... Naturally this was not something that was explained or even hinted in my papers so my adoptive parents didn't know this.
But my adoptive parents knew that they had adopted someone else's supposedly poor, unwanted and unloved child... Now there only seems to be one way forward... How can I move closer to my birth family without disrespecting and hurting my adoptive parents? The parents who raised me for my entire life...
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Accuracy
Demolished
But my adoptive parents knew that they had adopted someone else's supposedly poor, unwanted and unloved child... Now there only seems to be one way forward... How can I move closer to my birth family without disrespecting and hurting my adoptive parents? The parents who raised me for my entire life...
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Accuracy
Demolished
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Accuracy
Please note that the content of this post is not supposed too criticize, the adoption industry or the adoption agency who cared for me after my birth. I think I'm unfortunately not alone, not the only one having these kind of thoughts and doubts.
Many, many times I've been thinking about the meaning of life, but I'm not religious per say. What really is the point of living? What's the point of life? What's the point of my life? Is there a purpose for me? And again I'm not religious...
Lately I've been questioning one question especially at several different times...
Can I really trust my adoption papers? Is my birth family really mine? Don't get me wrong but the only accurate way with the highest percentage of accuracy would be to do some kind of DNA test.. but I've never done one... Niether has my birth family at least not for this particular purpose...
But I do know that I share many physical characteristics with many members of my birth family, I have the same blood type as my siblings... But basing the claim solely on blood group would not be really relevent because there are 6 or so different blood types distributed over the entire human population of 8 or 9 billions. I don't want to doubt that it shouldn't be untrue, I really don't.
Hypothetically speaking would an adoption agency really be so cruel to let a longing birth family be reunited with the wrong child...? I'm not sure if I'd like to know the answer to this question. I do know there seems to be at least a few cases where this seems to have happened... but I don't know that much of it to be honest....
Maybe I'm still in shock, the reality might still seems like a nightmare to me and yes it still is. I wish I could wake up from it all being comforted by my mum... but here is my dilemma; which mum would I like to be comforted by? Which family would I like to be my real one? As you can see this kind of thinking is leading no where, it is only doing more harm than good.
My birth parents are people who I managed to find resemblence too afterall, so maybe I shouldn't be so suspicious and doubting. But still I wonder if it's really true... I do think , believe and yes I even consider the birth family I meet this summer to be mine. Of course my source of doubt could come from the actual shock from finding out what partially lead to the relinquishment of me...
♥챠금은안녕.Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Dirty Secrets
Many, many times I've been thinking about the meaning of life, but I'm not religious per say. What really is the point of living? What's the point of life? What's the point of my life? Is there a purpose for me? And again I'm not religious...
Lately I've been questioning one question especially at several different times...
Can I really trust my adoption papers? Is my birth family really mine? Don't get me wrong but the only accurate way with the highest percentage of accuracy would be to do some kind of DNA test.. but I've never done one... Niether has my birth family at least not for this particular purpose...
But I do know that I share many physical characteristics with many members of my birth family, I have the same blood type as my siblings... But basing the claim solely on blood group would not be really relevent because there are 6 or so different blood types distributed over the entire human population of 8 or 9 billions. I don't want to doubt that it shouldn't be untrue, I really don't.
Hypothetically speaking would an adoption agency really be so cruel to let a longing birth family be reunited with the wrong child...? I'm not sure if I'd like to know the answer to this question. I do know there seems to be at least a few cases where this seems to have happened... but I don't know that much of it to be honest....
Maybe I'm still in shock, the reality might still seems like a nightmare to me and yes it still is. I wish I could wake up from it all being comforted by my mum... but here is my dilemma; which mum would I like to be comforted by? Which family would I like to be my real one? As you can see this kind of thinking is leading no where, it is only doing more harm than good.
My birth parents are people who I managed to find resemblence too afterall, so maybe I shouldn't be so suspicious and doubting. But still I wonder if it's really true... I do think , believe and yes I even consider the birth family I meet this summer to be mine. Of course my source of doubt could come from the actual shock from finding out what partially lead to the relinquishment of me...
♥챠금은안녕.Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Dirty Secrets
Demolished
This finally settles after my last appointment I've decided to try the advice that was given and it just so happens that I have no assignments and school work for the rest of the week, (my teacher even had too cancel his lecture due to heavy workload). I'll make the must of it by using the three days that are left of the week to grief, being sad and really down... Last week it actually hurt so much that I got an actual cheast pain... For some time my stress level has reached a new record high level, normally it would be on a 3 or 4. But ever since last month my stress level has been on average 5 on a good but most often a 6 or 7. When the slightest minor thing occurs my stress level ammidatetly reaches a an 8 or even a 9... Let's just say I can't handle stress that well without feeling like I'm drownin and losing control...
I'm demolished, upset, confused and sad.
One mistake has become someone else's happiness.
Their sorrow , misery and tears are joy, laughter and smiles to someone else.
There is nothing I can do about this.
I can't feel happy with a clean consicous not anymore.
It's all because of me, yet something that I had no control off.
I wish there was a way to make everyone happy but sadly their isn't.
Right now I'm feeling torn and I suppose I'm going through some sort of identity crisis...
Yet again I question my identity, after my reunion...
♥ 야금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Recooperation
I'm demolished, upset, confused and sad.
One mistake has become someone else's happiness.
Their sorrow , misery and tears are joy, laughter and smiles to someone else.
There is nothing I can do about this.
I can't feel happy with a clean consicous not anymore.
It's all because of me, yet something that I had no control off.
I wish there was a way to make everyone happy but sadly their isn't.
Right now I'm feeling torn and I suppose I'm going through some sort of identity crisis...
Yet again I question my identity, after my reunion...
♥ 야금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Recooperation
Friday, 22 October 2010
Random Rants
Guess what !? When I was going to my window to turn off the lights I had to look twice because the ground was all white. We already have snow!! I hope to write a thesis about international adoption and somehow link it to South Korea. In my cupboard next to the stowe , that one is filled with tea. I think I have about 50 different kinds of tea: red, green, black, fruit, herbal, store bought and the nice expensive one with tea leafs. Would it be a sign or proof of disrespect if I wanted to write and even publish a biography about my life (including adoption or rather based on my intercountry adoption?) Would anybody read it...
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Personal Experience
New Blog
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Personal Experience
New Blog
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
The First Few Days (In Korea)
The experience from my first reunion trip back to my birth land actually started while I was still in Sweden. Already at the Swedish airport to be exact. At the check-in things didn't exactly improve when we ended up standing in the same que as many other South Asian people. The first flight to be checked-in in our line was a flight departing for Shanghai International Airport, Shanghai - China. This was also our flight as we were to transfer Shanghai to Incheon International Airport - Seoul.
The second time it happened was on the plane as the flight crew was Chinese since it was a China Air plane. On the plane they handed out some sort of immigration declaration, I became a little nervous by this but since my dad was seated next to me he told the flight attendant that he could take my form as well. The flight attendant seemed to get surprised as she responded with; oh you're together!? My parents and me decided to fill in the form for Immigration Declaration, even if none of us were would have to since we were to transfer to Incheon , Seoul.
When we were to take the transfer flight from Shanghai to Incheon International , Seoul the plane was rather small, enough to make me feel a little anxious. Again the flight crew was China Air crew and as expected they did hand out Immigration of Declaration this time too. As we had arrived at Incheon International we headed for the luggage area and when it finally arrived my parents decided that we would take the subway to our hotel. My parents believed that it wouldn't be far away from the Central Station for one and second that people would know the directions for our hotel. The subway lines wasn't finished yet, so we had to transfer several times. The location of the hotel wasn't close to the Central Station at all. People couldn't help us with directions since they couldn't read Romanised Korean.
After several transfers and running up and down with heavy luggage a nice Korean gentlemen decided to help us carry our bags. He insisted on speaking Korean. I am ethnic Korean so he presumed I knew, and since I was with my parents they also knew Korean of course.
When we finally had made it out in one piece from the Central Station all three of us was pretty tired, exhausted and hungry. The nice gentlemen, dressed in suit was still around and before leaving us he gave me dad a black plastic bag. It took us a few minutes before we realized that he had donated his lunchbox with leftovers to us. As it had taken us several hours to get from the airport to the Central Station we soon made the rational decision to take a taxi to our hotel. We thought the taxi driver would know the location of our hotel for sure. They didn't, none of them knew - the first one decided to ask his collegues for directions. Because of Hangul they generally don't know Romanized Alphabet that well. The first driver had already taken our luggage in his car when one of the other driver's said he knew the hotel. We ended out sticking to the first driver. As we ended up going back and fourth we soon understood the driver didn't know our hotel as he had to stop to ask someone...
When we finally arrived at our hotel dad payed the driver as mum and I went inside, dad asked for the key and all three went up to our room. We were three people yet the room only had a double bed. Mum and I stayed in the room while dad went down to the recepionist to get another room; one with three beds. By know we were so tired, exhausted and hungry that we didn't even change our clothes before diner. The time had become 9PM so not many restaurant's was still open so we decided to settle for Kentucky Fried Chicken. As we had finished dinner we went back to our hotel room to sleep and unpack...
The next day we woke up at around 9 - 10 the adoption agency's location. I had recieved a map and as we tried to find the location we didn't realize that 24hour store was a SevenEleven. My mum had been in Seoul and at the agency 20 years ago so it wasn't surprising that she didn't recognizthe city anymore. In the end a nice biker ended up taking us to the area of the agency. I remember that I was being overwhelmed by the feeling of being in a crowd with people just like me. Even though the likelihood of me bumping in to one member of my birth family. The thought of it being unlikely but not imposible made me look carefully at the woman as I passed them. And I almost asked a Korean woman if we were related... Imagine if I had...
As we stood outside the agency I noticed an elderly Korean man pacing back and fourth looking at the entrence. Before we knew it a smartly dressed Korean woman hurredly showed a Swedish couple with a child to a wan. We finally had brunch at Donkin Doughnut before we took the subway to Dongdaemun Market. My parents got a Donkin Doughnut mug because they ordered food for a specified amount that qualified for a mug. We were a little disapointed when most of the stores was closed but mum still managed to find some nice summer clothes when we were at Dongdaemung. When we had finished our shopping we decided t have a Swedish coffe break at Coffee Bean And Tea Leaf before taking the subway back to the hotel.
All three of us were really tired and we ended up resting for a few hours, and when we woke up all of us were hungry but the the time had passed 9PM again. We decided to have a late dinner at a bar since it was the only open restaurant in the area. After that we went back to hotel to sleep and seemed like we would need it since tomorrow was the big day.
♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now. ♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Best And Worst Day
Preparing
The second time it happened was on the plane as the flight crew was Chinese since it was a China Air plane. On the plane they handed out some sort of immigration declaration, I became a little nervous by this but since my dad was seated next to me he told the flight attendant that he could take my form as well. The flight attendant seemed to get surprised as she responded with; oh you're together!? My parents and me decided to fill in the form for Immigration Declaration, even if none of us were would have to since we were to transfer to Incheon , Seoul.
When we were to take the transfer flight from Shanghai to Incheon International , Seoul the plane was rather small, enough to make me feel a little anxious. Again the flight crew was China Air crew and as expected they did hand out Immigration of Declaration this time too. As we had arrived at Incheon International we headed for the luggage area and when it finally arrived my parents decided that we would take the subway to our hotel. My parents believed that it wouldn't be far away from the Central Station for one and second that people would know the directions for our hotel. The subway lines wasn't finished yet, so we had to transfer several times. The location of the hotel wasn't close to the Central Station at all. People couldn't help us with directions since they couldn't read Romanised Korean.
After several transfers and running up and down with heavy luggage a nice Korean gentlemen decided to help us carry our bags. He insisted on speaking Korean. I am ethnic Korean so he presumed I knew, and since I was with my parents they also knew Korean of course.
When we finally had made it out in one piece from the Central Station all three of us was pretty tired, exhausted and hungry. The nice gentlemen, dressed in suit was still around and before leaving us he gave me dad a black plastic bag. It took us a few minutes before we realized that he had donated his lunchbox with leftovers to us. As it had taken us several hours to get from the airport to the Central Station we soon made the rational decision to take a taxi to our hotel. We thought the taxi driver would know the location of our hotel for sure. They didn't, none of them knew - the first one decided to ask his collegues for directions. Because of Hangul they generally don't know Romanized Alphabet that well. The first driver had already taken our luggage in his car when one of the other driver's said he knew the hotel. We ended out sticking to the first driver. As we ended up going back and fourth we soon understood the driver didn't know our hotel as he had to stop to ask someone...
When we finally arrived at our hotel dad payed the driver as mum and I went inside, dad asked for the key and all three went up to our room. We were three people yet the room only had a double bed. Mum and I stayed in the room while dad went down to the recepionist to get another room; one with three beds. By know we were so tired, exhausted and hungry that we didn't even change our clothes before diner. The time had become 9PM so not many restaurant's was still open so we decided to settle for Kentucky Fried Chicken. As we had finished dinner we went back to our hotel room to sleep and unpack...
The next day we woke up at around 9 - 10 the adoption agency's location. I had recieved a map and as we tried to find the location we didn't realize that 24hour store was a SevenEleven. My mum had been in Seoul and at the agency 20 years ago so it wasn't surprising that she didn't recognizthe city anymore. In the end a nice biker ended up taking us to the area of the agency. I remember that I was being overwhelmed by the feeling of being in a crowd with people just like me. Even though the likelihood of me bumping in to one member of my birth family. The thought of it being unlikely but not imposible made me look carefully at the woman as I passed them. And I almost asked a Korean woman if we were related... Imagine if I had...
As we stood outside the agency I noticed an elderly Korean man pacing back and fourth looking at the entrence. Before we knew it a smartly dressed Korean woman hurredly showed a Swedish couple with a child to a wan. We finally had brunch at Donkin Doughnut before we took the subway to Dongdaemun Market. My parents got a Donkin Doughnut mug because they ordered food for a specified amount that qualified for a mug. We were a little disapointed when most of the stores was closed but mum still managed to find some nice summer clothes when we were at Dongdaemung. When we had finished our shopping we decided t have a Swedish coffe break at Coffee Bean And Tea Leaf before taking the subway back to the hotel.
All three of us were really tired and we ended up resting for a few hours, and when we woke up all of us were hungry but the the time had passed 9PM again. We decided to have a late dinner at a bar since it was the only open restaurant in the area. After that we went back to hotel to sleep and seemed like we would need it since tomorrow was the big day.
♥ 챠금은안녕. Bye for now. ♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Best And Worst Day
Preparing
♥Korean Food ♥
The food above is mostly ethnic and authentic Korean food but also internationally influenced with Italian pizza and Pizza Hut. Now that I'm eating LCHF - would I be able to follow that regime while in Korea? Whenever I plan to return...
♥ 챠음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
Related posts:
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Jean Baptiste Taejo Of Joseon
Sweden has had the Bernadotte family representing Sweden ever since Jean Baptiste Bernadotte who emigrated to Sweden from France , enthroned in 1763 married to Desirée Clary who became queen in 1777.
They are the ancestors of the royal name Bernadotte and ultimately direct yet ancient ancestors to the current royal family in Sweden.
Compared to the grandson of Gojong,
Gu, Prince Imperial Hoeun contender to the Korean throne.
Son to Crown Prince Hu and Princess Banja. Born May 1st of 1970 died 16th July of 2005.
Married to Julia Mullock from 1959 - 1982.
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Consequences
They are the ancestors of the royal name Bernadotte and ultimately direct yet ancient ancestors to the current royal family in Sweden.
- King Carl XVI Gustav Bernadotte , 64
- Queen Sylvia Sommerlath, 66
- Crown Princess Victoria Ingrid Alice Desirée Bernadotte , 33
- Prince Daniel Olof Westling Bernadotte (married to Crown Princess), 37
- Pince Carl Phillip Edmund Bertil Bernadotte, 31
- Princess Madeliene Therese Amelie Josephine Bernadotte, 28
Compared to the grandson of Gojong,
Gu, Prince Imperial Hoeun contender to the Korean throne.
Son to Crown Prince Hu and Princess Banja. Born May 1st of 1970 died 16th July of 2005.
Married to Julia Mullock from 1959 - 1982.
- Won, Hereditary Prince Imperial of Korea, born as eldest son to Prince Gap later adopted son of Prince Gu. Born in 1962. Nephew to Princess Yi Haewon.
- Princess Yi Haewon, born April 24 of 1919. Second daughter to Prince Imperal Ui. Enthroned on 16th July of 2005 as symbolic monarch the enrothronement was not supported by the government or people.
♥챠금은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Consequences
Final Rebirth
Today or rather a few days ago I celebrated my second rebirth and also had my third name change officially approved. The first name change was done by my adoptive parents, the second name change was applied for in July this year and the third and final name change was applied for three weeks ago or so.
Looks like I soon will be able to apply for an ID - card and new passport, I've lived 3 months without being able to identify myself. Strangely enough I managed to survive and now this is my reward.
♥챠음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Changes
Looks like I soon will be able to apply for an ID - card and new passport, I've lived 3 months without being able to identify myself. Strangely enough I managed to survive and now this is my reward.
♥챠음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Changes
Mirror Mirror On The Wall
At the moment I'm still going through a process of rediscovering my identity, because a lot of the things that made me the person that I am has now changed. It's not really helped by my mum's efforst to find confrimation on my adoption which she recieves from physic people who claim that everything is predetermined and predetermined before a person's birth. In the case of international adoptees their souls are supposed to be so old and experienced that they are going to go on a journey in their next life.
It would be fine if my mum could stop there but apparently she somehow manages to make me feel responsible for my own pain. It's basically my fault, the decisions that I supposedly made before my birth is according to the physic mum meet the factor that has created all this.
But I personally can't believe this 100 % if there isn't any more proof than a physic person's oral story for me too believe a thing like that it would have to be a thing I either could see and touch not only listen too..
So mirror, mirror on the wall how do I move on? What am I supposed to with myself now? Does anybody know...
♥챠음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Changes
It would be fine if my mum could stop there but apparently she somehow manages to make me feel responsible for my own pain. It's basically my fault, the decisions that I supposedly made before my birth is according to the physic mum meet the factor that has created all this.
But I personally can't believe this 100 % if there isn't any more proof than a physic person's oral story for me too believe a thing like that it would have to be a thing I either could see and touch not only listen too..
So mirror, mirror on the wall how do I move on? What am I supposed to with myself now? Does anybody know...
♥챠음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Changes
Monday, 18 October 2010
LCHF
Yes, I confess I'm on a diet and has been ever since July and so far I havn't been tempted to end it. So far I've lost over 22Lbs or 10 kgs a little hard to know exactly how much weight I've lost since I don't weigh myself regularly...
I love LCHF diet, maybe because I'm addicted to cheese and cream. Oh yeah, icecream to but it's filled with sugar so no. Strangely enough I don't miss it, this has never happened before... I'd like to lose 22 Lbs more since that was the weight i weighed in High School yet it might be unrealistical to aim for 60 kgs or 132 Lbs...
♥챠음은안녕.Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
New Blog
I love LCHF diet, maybe because I'm addicted to cheese and cream. Oh yeah, icecream to but it's filled with sugar so no. Strangely enough I don't miss it, this has never happened before... I'd like to lose 22 Lbs more since that was the weight i weighed in High School yet it might be unrealistical to aim for 60 kgs or 132 Lbs...
♥챠음은안녕.Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
New Blog
Things I Know
These are a few of the things I know, I know that my birth parents still is married.. in Korea you're supposed to marry for life yet divorces do happen... I know that I'm the youngest daughter. I also know a little about what really happened that lead to my relinquishment and later adoption. But out of respect for my birth family I will not discuss what really happened...
The Korean writing system is not that difficult if you know it that is. And I guess fraud would be very common since anyone can copy a Korean person's signature if they only know their full name...
There's a possibility that I've already mentioned the Korean writing system Hanguel before, or maybe I havn't yet...
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Please Read
The Korean writing system is not that difficult if you know it that is. And I guess fraud would be very common since anyone can copy a Korean person's signature if they only know their full name...
There's a possibility that I've already mentioned the Korean writing system Hanguel before, or maybe I havn't yet...
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Please Read
Saturday, 16 October 2010
Things About Me
Elle may or may not be my real name, it's the name which I've chosen too use on this blog.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
I Know
- I'm a University student
- I love English classics and I prefer English novels before Swedish
- I have a cat
- I love to cook and bake
- I'm artistic
- I like ice cream and cheese
- I really love spicy food the spicer the better and garlic is the best
- I'm left handed
- My favorite colours are green and blue
- I love Korean dramas
♥ 쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
I Know
Friday, 15 October 2010
Female Discrimination In Sweden
Did you know that Sweden isn't so liberal and accepting as you think?
Being a woman trying to get an employment can prove to be a difficult task since there still is some general contradictory beliefs especially among Swedish employees. A woman in her mid 20s or early 30ths might be very likely to start trying for a family.
But according to the Swedish law it is not allowed for Swedish employees to ask intimate and private questions;
you're not pregnant or anything?do you consider getting pregnant very soon?
Many employees asks this questions to applicants based on possible HR issues because everyone knows it would be more time consuming and more expensive to hire a pregant woman or a woman with future plans to build a family. There is a possibility for women that has experienced this in Sweden to seek retribution. Many do apply to the Discriminationsombudsman for economic compensation and more often than not women do get retribution. But often the sum isn't meeting the claim...
♥ 쳐음은안녕.Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Suffrage
Reasons Why I Shouldn't
Being a woman trying to get an employment can prove to be a difficult task since there still is some general contradictory beliefs especially among Swedish employees. A woman in her mid 20s or early 30ths might be very likely to start trying for a family.
But according to the Swedish law it is not allowed for Swedish employees to ask intimate and private questions;
you're not pregnant or anything?do you consider getting pregnant very soon?
Many employees asks this questions to applicants based on possible HR issues because everyone knows it would be more time consuming and more expensive to hire a pregant woman or a woman with future plans to build a family. There is a possibility for women that has experienced this in Sweden to seek retribution. Many do apply to the Discriminationsombudsman for economic compensation and more often than not women do get retribution. But often the sum isn't meeting the claim...
♥ 쳐음은안녕.Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Suffrage
Reasons Why I Shouldn't
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Recooperation Charging Batteries
I have realized that I can't be the person that I aim to be want to be, at least not right now. I'm still going through the stages of a crisis situation or whatever you deem suitable to call a reunion trip to your birth family.
My stress level has increased significantly ever since my first reunion trip and I didn't expect things to be this way. It wasn't what I had imagined but I was aware of the fact that it would a challenge and at times difficult...
I'm wasting energy on doing nothing, nothing in it's true meaning of the world. When my stress level becomes to great I can do nothing but turn of all emotions and my level of socialization and becomes almost zero.
I wish there was someone I could ame but there is none... In addition decision to go on my first reunion trip for the first time ever seemed to be a good one at the time. I don't regret that I made it, I wish I would have been more prepared for likely outcomes pre reunion. I wonder if there ever would have been an appropriate time suitable for reunion...
To deal with this I have come the conclusion that I need to make myself into a priority and have to make time for me because my energy is sometimes close to zero...
But oh the pain I feel right now, it's present ever day and when it becomes too heave I tend to get angry at everyone and everything... Oh, the pain I feel
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Appreciation
Secrets
Blame
Pain
Reasons Why
Never Happy
- First step denial
- Second step schock
- Third step acceptance
My stress level has increased significantly ever since my first reunion trip and I didn't expect things to be this way. It wasn't what I had imagined but I was aware of the fact that it would a challenge and at times difficult...
I'm wasting energy on doing nothing, nothing in it's true meaning of the world. When my stress level becomes to great I can do nothing but turn of all emotions and my level of socialization and becomes almost zero.
I wish there was someone I could ame but there is none... In addition decision to go on my first reunion trip for the first time ever seemed to be a good one at the time. I don't regret that I made it, I wish I would have been more prepared for likely outcomes pre reunion. I wonder if there ever would have been an appropriate time suitable for reunion...
To deal with this I have come the conclusion that I need to make myself into a priority and have to make time for me because my energy is sometimes close to zero...
But oh the pain I feel right now, it's present ever day and when it becomes too heave I tend to get angry at everyone and everything... Oh, the pain I feel
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Appreciation
Secrets
Blame
Pain
Reasons Why
Never Happy
1000, 500 Or Ten
I don't care about how many readers or viewers this blog has, the thing that made start this blog in the first place was to first of all make people realize what it might be like to a Swedish Korean adoptee... If I only managed to reach one person then so be it.
Don't like it than don't read it, simple as that. Take it or leave it, simple as that.
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Don't Read
Don't like it than don't read it, simple as that. Take it or leave it, simple as that.
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Don't Read
♥Arirang And Mideum♥
Would I have gone through with my birth family search, would I have known about what would come.... Would I have agreed to plan the first reunion trip had I known what it would bring....
Would I still have looked forward even dreamed about meeting them if I knew it would push my mum and dad away from me...? The time before the renuion was such a happy, even joyful time almost. My mum and I was really close and dad and I could talk about almost anything....
Why can't my mum and dad at least respect my desire to grasp the opertunity to get to know my birth siblings? Why can't they accept my feelings towards my birth parents? It really doesn't change anything between us but you act just as if it had....
Sometimes I wish I never had gone through with it since it only seems to make as further a part... And I assure you, mum and dad that that was the last thing on my mind and nothing I desired. Why couldn't you continue being interested in getting to know my birth family without feeling threatened by it? I tried to explain that the experience from the trip and being able to hear what really happened made me change my mind... I'm proud to be Korean and I want to get to know my birth family and culture but maybe not if it would mean that I'd have to let go of you.
I know I claimed that my personal identity had changed but that doesn't mean I'm no longer you're daughter, I'm still your daughter. You raised me for over 20 years and all three of us has many memories to share between us. That will not change and I still love you but I DO feel a similar feeling towards my birth family. I shouldn't have to explain that since my heart is big and filled with only good intentions. But mum don't you know me better than this? Dad I used to be your girl, daddy's litle girl do you honestly think that all of that is gone ?
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Omma
Would I still have looked forward even dreamed about meeting them if I knew it would push my mum and dad away from me...? The time before the renuion was such a happy, even joyful time almost. My mum and I was really close and dad and I could talk about almost anything....
Why can't my mum and dad at least respect my desire to grasp the opertunity to get to know my birth siblings? Why can't they accept my feelings towards my birth parents? It really doesn't change anything between us but you act just as if it had....
Sometimes I wish I never had gone through with it since it only seems to make as further a part... And I assure you, mum and dad that that was the last thing on my mind and nothing I desired. Why couldn't you continue being interested in getting to know my birth family without feeling threatened by it? I tried to explain that the experience from the trip and being able to hear what really happened made me change my mind... I'm proud to be Korean and I want to get to know my birth family and culture but maybe not if it would mean that I'd have to let go of you.
I know I claimed that my personal identity had changed but that doesn't mean I'm no longer you're daughter, I'm still your daughter. You raised me for over 20 years and all three of us has many memories to share between us. That will not change and I still love you but I DO feel a similar feeling towards my birth family. I shouldn't have to explain that since my heart is big and filled with only good intentions. But mum don't you know me better than this? Dad I used to be your girl, daddy's litle girl do you honestly think that all of that is gone ?
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Omma
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Expectations And Child Development
As many of us, maybe not all us knows the educational, knowledge and information available for prospective adoptive parents is pretty massive and filled, with pre teen courses for adoptive parents with teens as well as the supposedly mandatory baby classes and children's activities. That is the easy part, almost everyone is more or less prepared for the time that lies ahead at least as much as one could expect.
The tricky part for adoptive parents is the possible and likely chance of being confronted with a birth family search and possible reunion somewhere down the road, not that every adoptee actually goes through with this but still the chances are that they will. What I've found really lacking is the follow up after reunion because some of the adoptees will be forced to change their whole thinking , not that every adoptee is forced into changing their identity... But some may feel that they are influenced in a certain direction which might create a new understanding of themselves. This where many adoptive parents might become threatened if the child displays tendencies, emotions and actions that speaks in favour of them reconnecting with their birth family or birth parents...
Why isn't there a support system for those adoptees... Are there? I doubt it exists in Sweden but would be neccessary sometimes...
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Word Of Advice
Right Or Wrong
Knowing
The tricky part for adoptive parents is the possible and likely chance of being confronted with a birth family search and possible reunion somewhere down the road, not that every adoptee actually goes through with this but still the chances are that they will. What I've found really lacking is the follow up after reunion because some of the adoptees will be forced to change their whole thinking , not that every adoptee is forced into changing their identity... But some may feel that they are influenced in a certain direction which might create a new understanding of themselves. This where many adoptive parents might become threatened if the child displays tendencies, emotions and actions that speaks in favour of them reconnecting with their birth family or birth parents...
Why isn't there a support system for those adoptees... Are there? I doubt it exists in Sweden but would be neccessary sometimes...
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Word Of Advice
Right Or Wrong
Knowing
Monday, 11 October 2010
Knowing When
When it comes to adoption and especially the the challenging part for adoptive parents having to come to terms with a possible differing reality post reunion. Based on my personal experience I would say that if the adoptive parents try too hold on to their adoptive child maybe even trying too persuade them that they're wrong while the parents are right. This could in fact have the very opposite effect, sort of like trying to capture runny water or preserve time, which basically means that by insisting that nothing is changed maybe clinging on their child this could lead to the opposite effect...
If the adoptive parents and the adoptee isn't able to compromise, respect and understand each other than a post reunion most likely will push the adoptee closer to their actual birth family, birth country and culture which at first can seem like the old adoptive parents has been replaced by the real birth family.
The big question and challenge is thus to know when to be curious and when to be defensive, but exactly when you're supposed to be defensive or curious and supportive is up to you tp figure out... Me I'm just a young woman trying to keep my head up in the water to prevent myself from drowning...
♥쳐음은안녕.Bye for now. ♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Advice
If the adoptive parents and the adoptee isn't able to compromise, respect and understand each other than a post reunion most likely will push the adoptee closer to their actual birth family, birth country and culture which at first can seem like the old adoptive parents has been replaced by the real birth family.
The big question and challenge is thus to know when to be curious and when to be defensive, but exactly when you're supposed to be defensive or curious and supportive is up to you tp figure out... Me I'm just a young woman trying to keep my head up in the water to prevent myself from drowning...
♥쳐음은안녕.Bye for now. ♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Advice
Sunday, 10 October 2010
My Synonyms
Alien.
Asian.
Betrayed.
Blamed.
Crazy.
Dangerous.
Daughter.
Down.
Discriminated.
Emotional.
European.
Furious.
Generalized.
Immigrant.
Judged.
Korean.
Misunderstood.
Nobody.
Odd.
Older.
Prejudiced.
Sad.
Sister.
Stigmatized.
Strange.
Student.
Swedish.
Ungrateful.
Unloved.
Unimportant.
Unwanted.
Western.
Woman.
under constant change, expect this list to grow... How would you make up your own list of synonyms?
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Pain
Blame
Never Happy
Asian.
Betrayed.
Blamed.
Crazy.
Dangerous.
Daughter.
Down.
Discriminated.
Emotional.
European.
Furious.
Generalized.
Immigrant.
Judged.
Korean.
Misunderstood.
Nobody.
Odd.
Older.
Prejudiced.
Sad.
Sister.
Stigmatized.
Strange.
Student.
Swedish.
Ungrateful.
Unloved.
Unimportant.
Unwanted.
Western.
Woman.
under constant change, expect this list to grow... How would you make up your own list of synonyms?
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Pain
Blame
Never Happy
Saturday, 9 October 2010
Changes
Mum why do you blame me for my sudden change of heart... you shouldn't be surprised that my opinions might have changed based on what I experienced this summer. I didn't know what to expect I whish you and ad could try to understand how I always seems to get hurt just by talking to you.
Fact is my birth family never intended to relinquish me but they did, but do you know how humiliated I am when you talk about you giving me a better life implaying and reminding me to be grateful?
First of all I think the better life part as well as grateful is an offense to my birth family and by talking downgrading about them you not only hurt me but also imply that you consider yourself better than them.
Second, you don't know for sure if my life would have been like my birth families if I wasn't adopted. Nobody knows what happens in the future, furthermore it is only based on your presumptions and a lot of secondguessing and assuming.
What I'm trying too say that since you (the adoptive parents) sometimes might become parents to a child that isn't really an orphan child meaning that that child's parents might still be avlive. Like in my case. Adopting a child who has had a solid and intact family requires a lot of respect because what it means is that basically are raising someone else's child.. I'm sorry for me there's no other way to say this. Or like in most cases the child that becomes a family member into a new Western family sometimes have very limited information if their biological parents and in many other's there is no inormation at all.
But adopting child that has a biological family that requires a special kind of attithud, knowledge and education. I'm not saying adoptive parents should raise their children differently but rather try too show a lot of consideration and respect towards the child's biological family. However this should be adjusted after the need of the child as it grows older...
♥쳐음은안녕.Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Word Of Advice
Little Or No Background
Fact is my birth family never intended to relinquish me but they did, but do you know how humiliated I am when you talk about you giving me a better life implaying and reminding me to be grateful?
First of all I think the better life part as well as grateful is an offense to my birth family and by talking downgrading about them you not only hurt me but also imply that you consider yourself better than them.
Second, you don't know for sure if my life would have been like my birth families if I wasn't adopted. Nobody knows what happens in the future, furthermore it is only based on your presumptions and a lot of secondguessing and assuming.
What I'm trying too say that since you (the adoptive parents) sometimes might become parents to a child that isn't really an orphan child meaning that that child's parents might still be avlive. Like in my case. Adopting a child who has had a solid and intact family requires a lot of respect because what it means is that basically are raising someone else's child.. I'm sorry for me there's no other way to say this. Or like in most cases the child that becomes a family member into a new Western family sometimes have very limited information if their biological parents and in many other's there is no inormation at all.
But adopting child that has a biological family that requires a special kind of attithud, knowledge and education. I'm not saying adoptive parents should raise their children differently but rather try too show a lot of consideration and respect towards the child's biological family. However this should be adjusted after the need of the child as it grows older...
♥쳐음은안녕.Bye for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Word Of Advice
Little Or No Background
Friday, 8 October 2010
A New Era In Swedish Politics
So the election for the Speaker of the Swedish Riksdag has finally been settled, but it wasn't without a lot of minor incidents...
The two candidates for the prestigous post was
Mr Bodstroem was overseas and could not participate in the election, Ms Hoj Larsen was not present, a Leftist Green politician voted for the oppositions candidate Per Westerberg.
Earlier in the process the government's third biggest party the Environmentalist Party announced that they would cooperate with the Alliance on Immigration and emigration issues. The intial reaction to the Prime Minister's propsal was denied because the Moderate Party supported the cration of 10 new nuclear power plants, this went against the Environmentalist Party's conviction. Who unlike the Moderate Party previously favoured the idea of shutting down the nuclear power plants.
This outcome ensured that the Sweden Democratic Party wouldn't gain the finale verdict. Strategy or not?
The decision has finally been made the Sweden Democratic Party is finally offered the ordinary seats in all of the advisory commitees... And the monthly salary for a Swedish politician has been raised from 1000 to 56.000... Imagine that...
What would happen to the Swedish royal family in the future if the Sweden Democratic Party got what they wanted? Fact is that the royal family of the house Bernadotte is decendants from French Jean Baptiste Bernadotte and also or more importantly the current Queen; Sylvia Sommerlath is a German and Brazilian but she has royal blood... Maybe I'm just not getting it, maybe there is a difference between ordinary immigrants and famous royal immigrants... Does the Swedish royal household represent the Swedish people or not?
This Tuesday the 5th of October the new Swedish government was announced and although I could write a list of all the new and old ministers I will not do that. Not this time, maybe later. Instead I think there was a few other interesting things that happened... Like for instance the dresscode for the announcement of the new government used to be suit and tie but this time especially one party leader decided not to go along with that...
It was the Sweden Democratic Party leader Mr Åkesson who had decided he and his wife would dress up in national costume from their region Blekinge. As an answer to Mr Åkesson's choice of costume another Swedish politician decided to dress up in a national custome from their country of origin but with a Swedish flag.
In the General Church the Swedish Arch Bishop was supposed to deliver her mandatory speach and this time the topic was inspired from the big demonstrations at Sergels torg and also the message that you can't separate, judge and condemn people based solely on their different ethnicities. Apparently this speech did not get approved by the Sweden Democrats who spontaniously decided to march out of the church because they felt attacked or something... The next day the Party leader of the Sweden Democratic Party apologized to the King but by then the harm had already been done...
The King also held a mandatory speach to officially open the government and this year marks the 200th celebration of the Bernadotte family since it is exactly 200 years since Jean Baptiste became King of Sweden and of course this summer's big wedding between Crown Princess Victoria and her Prince...
I personally might not like the fact that Sweden Democrats was elected in the government but it was something that about 10 % of the population wanted. Our country is a democracy and we have a democratic election...
Oh, I just realized how terribly long this post has become...
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Consequences Of
The two candidates for the prestigous post was
- Per Westerberg candidate for the Alliance
- Kent Härstedt candidate for the Leftist Green movement
Mr Bodstroem was overseas and could not participate in the election, Ms Hoj Larsen was not present, a Leftist Green politician voted for the oppositions candidate Per Westerberg.
Earlier in the process the government's third biggest party the Environmentalist Party announced that they would cooperate with the Alliance on Immigration and emigration issues. The intial reaction to the Prime Minister's propsal was denied because the Moderate Party supported the cration of 10 new nuclear power plants, this went against the Environmentalist Party's conviction. Who unlike the Moderate Party previously favoured the idea of shutting down the nuclear power plants.
This outcome ensured that the Sweden Democratic Party wouldn't gain the finale verdict. Strategy or not?
The decision has finally been made the Sweden Democratic Party is finally offered the ordinary seats in all of the advisory commitees... And the monthly salary for a Swedish politician has been raised from 1000 to 56.000... Imagine that...
What would happen to the Swedish royal family in the future if the Sweden Democratic Party got what they wanted? Fact is that the royal family of the house Bernadotte is decendants from French Jean Baptiste Bernadotte and also or more importantly the current Queen; Sylvia Sommerlath is a German and Brazilian but she has royal blood... Maybe I'm just not getting it, maybe there is a difference between ordinary immigrants and famous royal immigrants... Does the Swedish royal household represent the Swedish people or not?
This Tuesday the 5th of October the new Swedish government was announced and although I could write a list of all the new and old ministers I will not do that. Not this time, maybe later. Instead I think there was a few other interesting things that happened... Like for instance the dresscode for the announcement of the new government used to be suit and tie but this time especially one party leader decided not to go along with that...
It was the Sweden Democratic Party leader Mr Åkesson who had decided he and his wife would dress up in national costume from their region Blekinge. As an answer to Mr Åkesson's choice of costume another Swedish politician decided to dress up in a national custome from their country of origin but with a Swedish flag.
In the General Church the Swedish Arch Bishop was supposed to deliver her mandatory speach and this time the topic was inspired from the big demonstrations at Sergels torg and also the message that you can't separate, judge and condemn people based solely on their different ethnicities. Apparently this speech did not get approved by the Sweden Democrats who spontaniously decided to march out of the church because they felt attacked or something... The next day the Party leader of the Sweden Democratic Party apologized to the King but by then the harm had already been done...
The King also held a mandatory speach to officially open the government and this year marks the 200th celebration of the Bernadotte family since it is exactly 200 years since Jean Baptiste became King of Sweden and of course this summer's big wedding between Crown Princess Victoria and her Prince...
I personally might not like the fact that Sweden Democrats was elected in the government but it was something that about 10 % of the population wanted. Our country is a democracy and we have a democratic election...
Oh, I just realized how terribly long this post has become...
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Consequences Of
Nobel Prize
- This year's Nobel Prize in Literature will be going to Mr Vargas Llosa, from Peru.
- Nobel Prize in Medicine is awarded to Mr Robert G. Edwards, the founder of the test tube technique.
- Nobel Prize in Physics is shared by Mr A Geim and Mr K Novoselov.
- Nobel Prize in Chemistry goes to Richard F. Heck, Mr Negishi Ei Uichi and Mr Akira Suzuki.
- 1903 The Nobel Prize in Physics went to Mrs Marie Curie.
- 1963 The Nobel Prize in Physics went to Ms Goeppert - Mayer.
- 2009 The Nobel Prize in Economics went to Ms Ostrom.
Just asking...
As for the Peace Prize it will be aworded to a Chinese man...
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Consequences Of
Things - To Do
I'm considering going home to my mum and dad... only considering. There's a thing or two I'd like to do in the capital city. And unfortunately I'm still arguing with my mum while my dad seems more openminded... What to do? Things has changed especially between my mum and me, and these changes happened mostly inside me during and after the reunion this summer. I'm realistic I don't expect things to be like they were before my reunion, that would be impossible...
I might have misunderstood the concept of discussion according to mum a discussion is when two or more people presents there opinions and where the person that is right is trying to convince the other side too change... I'm not totally convinced it is, is it really so?
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Tattoo
I might have misunderstood the concept of discussion according to mum a discussion is when two or more people presents there opinions and where the person that is right is trying to convince the other side too change... I'm not totally convinced it is, is it really so?
- Seeing and playing with my cat
- Studying ,but that I could do anywhere
- Go groccery shopping in the Korean food store
- Have lunch or dinner at Arirang restaurant
- Visit and maybe have Swedish fika a coffee at Chokladfabriken
- Visit the cinema
- Maybe start looking for Christmas presents
♥쳐음은안녕. Bye for now. ♥
Tattoo
Thursday, 7 October 2010
Don't
Don't ask me to be grateful, or at least not say it to my face.
If you believe so be it but don't make it into a given truth...
I'm not a daughter born by you, but do you honestly think I don't know that?
Would you tell a daughter and child born by you to feel grateful towards you just for the sake of being born?
Why then do you believe I should, you're no different than the worst of them belive me
I have never asked to be born or to have you as my parents
I'm actually glad you're not my parents more than legally on paper
And yes you probably think I'm ungrateful and bad
If so than yes of course I am
I'm everything you say I am, I'm everything you think I am
Put the blame on me your ungrateful firstborn daughter
But don't expect me to apologize to you because I never will
I go to sleep every day with a light heart because I know
I'm only part of a charade, this is a nightmare, my real parents will come and clame me soon...
Oh how I wish it all could be a dream...
♥쳐음은안녕.By for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
To Omma
If you believe so be it but don't make it into a given truth...
I'm not a daughter born by you, but do you honestly think I don't know that?
Would you tell a daughter and child born by you to feel grateful towards you just for the sake of being born?
Why then do you believe I should, you're no different than the worst of them belive me
I have never asked to be born or to have you as my parents
I'm actually glad you're not my parents more than legally on paper
And yes you probably think I'm ungrateful and bad
If so than yes of course I am
I'm everything you say I am, I'm everything you think I am
Put the blame on me your ungrateful firstborn daughter
But don't expect me to apologize to you because I never will
I go to sleep every day with a light heart because I know
I'm only part of a charade, this is a nightmare, my real parents will come and clame me soon...
Oh how I wish it all could be a dream...
♥쳐음은안녕.By for now.♥
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
To Omma
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