What Not To Do

A few years ago I attended a certain school and I was mistaken for one of two things:

• a Japanese girl
• random Asian person , because I was greated with Konnichiwa.

Level of annoyance increasing...

My High School boyfriend, ex boy friend today had knowledge of Japanese and he instantly started talking to me in Japanese and when I announced that I didn't know he was surprised. Hello, I'm a Korean.

Fact 1: And no Korean and Japanese are not the same language it don't even resemble each other.
Fact 2: Asian people refers to South Asian people; Chinese, Japanese and Korean and maybe a few more which I will not mention because I'm not sure. However just because all Asian people usually or generally eat a lot of rice and speaks a language that might sound similiar regardless of it being Chinese, Japanese, Mandarin, Korean or some other local accent too most Westerners this might be true. But usually younger generations of Asians don't understand each others language...

Only exception to fact 2 would the following:

1. the Asian person is bilingual, trilingual or fluent in many languages
2. the Asian person has studied a foreign Asian language in High School or at University level

Current level of annoyance on a scale to 1 - 10 : between 3,5 - 4

Generally most Asian woman are subjected to sexism and objectification what some may label yellow fewer

Fact 1: many older and middle aged man delibrately  seeks a younger Asian woman


Possible explanation: the general view of Asian woman is that they are portrayed as timid and in constant subordination

This is however mostly common among the older male usually Western generation, this could be a prejudice against older Western males just like the more accepted views of Asians...

Level of annoyance currenty : 7-8

Keep this in mind for future reference if you happen to come across a random Asian person. Be aware of that this post only is a reflection of the bloggers personal opinions and experiences despite the fact that many Asians may have experienced the same or possible coincidence that there might be academic sources stating the similar or same thing like this currently annoyed blogger.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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2011

Omma's Pretty

No, this is not the title of a new K-drama although it might be one or become one in the future. According to research and articles it says that beautiful women are more likely to carry daughters. I suppose that could be true since my omma has supposedly given birth to more than 5 daughters but not as many sons (that I know of). But arn't they forgetting something it's actually the male that determines the future child's gender and I will not go into detailed explanations.

In only two days now its New Years Eve and up until now I have always celebrated alone or with my family and this year is sadly no exception. I have also realized that it has become difficult for me to preform one my passions which is baking, but I guess I'lll have more oppertunities now when I will live at home again.

I have voluntered to do the dessert for this Dinner as well and I'm actually planning on making a Lemon Maringue Pie... But I havn't decided if I should allow myself a piece of it or not, it does contain both sugar and carbs...

The recipe I used , a Swedish interpretation of the American classic. Thank good for Internet.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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To Omma

Chinese Astrology

나의 가족

사랑해요 아빠

사랑해요 아빠

A few weeks ago I believed I've seen my Appa in a movie and I had too re-watch it many, many times. I'm almost certain that it was you that I saw, I recognized some things that I think that I still remember about you. But Oppa if it were you why where you crying and why did you look sad? I suppose I'll never know if it really was you... oh, hold on is your Appa a movie star or Korean actor? Well, the answer should be pretty obvious but I will actually let the answer to that question be unanswered and let you believe that he is if that is what you really believe. I know the truth though, maybe I'll tell you one day... until then.. keep guessing.

Once when I was with you and Omma I touched your hair just like a little child, I know it's probably hard to believe that a grown woman in her twenties acts like a small child. Appa, if you only knew how desperatly I want to learn Korean so that I finally could tell you how I feel. I imagine my first words would be:
 사랑해요
아빠 Saranghe Appa which imagine would be similar to a small child's very first words... And of course Appa is the Korean word for Dad and saranghae would be love although it pronouned like saranghaeyo.

I felt you and Omma's hair because I didn't know how I should express myself in a way that you would be able to understand. I desperately wants to learn Korean, even if its hard I'll try my very best too learn, because Oppa there is so much I'd like to tell you. Right now I dont know enough Korean and you can't understand me when I speak. I recall that I wrote something down in a notebook and Omma immediately became interested and wanted to know what I wrote but she must have been disapointed once she realized that I wrote in a foreign language in Roman letters.

The frustration that I felt over the impossability of being understood and being able to understand, 
아빠 Appa 아빠Oppa엄마 Omma, 언니 Onni's and 동생 Dongsaeng's. Honestly even my much younger 조카딸 Jokkadal's  nieces could communicate better.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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To Omma

한글

나의 가족

Pick My Brain

A few days ago Sweden was the centre of attention due to a failed terrorism attack in Stockholm. According to experts there are at least 200 extremists in Sweden.

Is it egoistic to consider or dream of raising children in such an unsafe and unsecure world? How would you define a parent and how to explain the term love? I've sadly never recognized my ethnic belonging as being different than the majority of Swedes. That's the truth it's only recently that I've begun to really contemplete over it. Although I have been reminded of my peculiar yet ordinary looks sometimes even whishing my appearence was different, especially when I was younger.

Only 3 days left of the Gregorian 2010, well 4 if you don't count today. And it's never too late to learn I just learned how to insert clicable links into my blog posts. It was very, very easy.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


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Never

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나의 가족

My (our) 가족 Gajok family is pretty big although we have been seperated by several thousand miles and somehow I suppose one could say that we never were meant to live side by side in other terms than emotionally. At least I know they're out there and I've meet them so I know I should be content.
My/our family consists of two different families becuase of adoption although I have no legal rights to the family that gave birth to me...

There's Appa and Omma of course several Unnis and Dongsaengs living in one continent far away from me with their 어린이 Jok'attal children and 남편Maehyeong husbands and 동서Dongseo wives.
I also have my other family which consists of mum and dad and a younger brother, my grandmum, my auntie as well as a few cats.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Historical Evidences

I've decided to take another university course and the only other course besides the Korean language course was Korea's history. Hopefully it will be as interesting as I believe it is. Anyways, I suppose it never can hurt too learn some more... Not that I am confident that I will learn everything about Korea and what it means too a Korean by studying a bit of Korea's modern history. But I guess it can't hurt, right?

One more thing this year and the previous couple of years I have traveled by bus to get home it's a fixed price and its cheaper than the train who isn't that reliable, unfortunately. It was so typical that I happened to get seat next to a young couple where the young girl adjusted her seat soo that I was forced to hold things I had put on top of the table, and I had no room for my legs or the things in my lap.

I wasn't sure but she started talking about something with her boyfriend that went like this:


I'm not going to act as if I recognize her, it's typical and must be that some children are feeling like they have to get attention from everyone because their parent's constantly work. No wonder some people are that selfish.

I suspect she might have been talking about me but I'm not certain it could also have been someone else....
Can you see anything wrong her, who was selfish here me or her? She adjusted her seat to the level that it became really uncomfortable for me and I tried to tell her that she couldn't move the seat any more but did she care!? That really pisses me off, and what really annoys me is that even though it happened 2 days ago I still can't seem to brush it off. Well hopefully I will be able to stop thinking about after having written about that episode.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Rejection It Seems

I've spent a lot of time watching a Korean TV-show called I Missed That Person, which is similar to Swedish shows like Saknad and Spårlöst Försvunnen and after having seen several adoptees reaching out in hopes of finding something or someone that can prove their existance I conclude that as adoptees we all share one unfortunate thing. Namely rejection, by accident or choice the result is still the same.
It also seems like most birth families didn't understand what the consequences would be once they had signed the adoption consent.

Most of the clips were found on youtube and as I soon learned that most of the adoptees came from the US or at least knew English I forced myself too watch clips with French, German and every other clip that I could find regardless of language.

Many adoptees wasn't fortunate enough to find the answers they were looking for, it was at least shown on the show. As I am supposed to be happy and content seeing that I have been reunited and meet my birth family, this is only partially true.

The things I know is that I was born and instantly rejected and placed at an orphanage after a few months I was ultimately adopted too Sweden. What I didn't know back then or until recently was that my birth parents at one point in time regreted their decision to place me up for adoption. Maybe they thought and believed I never would be sent overseas for adoption or be raised at the orphanage at which point it would be possible for my parents to rewrite their wrong.

Since reunion new questions has arised;
When did you realize your mistake ? What made you search for me and how long did it take? When did you understand that I was gone and no longer legally considered your child? Did you never realize or understand that consent for adoption also meant a possibility of getting a new family overseas? Did you ever know that I was sent to be raised in Sweden as someone else's daughter? Was I never meant to recieve your unconditional love? Was I that unworthy ?

Soo you see I would prefer to live on unknowingly about my past but then I remember what the truths meant to me, but the truth does not seem priceless it has a price. Too me that price means I'm forced to learn Korean in order to reclaim my place as the almost daugter and sister. Yet I've realized that I never can establish that natural bond and relationship that exists between siblings or more particularly sisters.

Our upbringings and childhoods was as different to each other that one possibly could imagine. My siblings had to help our parents while I was spending most of my time inside watching TV, painting and what ever else.

Sometimes life isn't fair, when I watch the adoptees calling out the few Korean phrases too get their relatives on stage I instantly tear up. Lastly, I think there might be a difference between those adoptees that has been fortunate enough to find their families too become to demanding almost selfish, expecting too much while the unlucky adoptees still might seem humble surviving on hope and the thought that maybe one day they will be able to if not meet finding the answers that waited for.

I am afterall a reunited adoptee with 10 times more questions, and the answers that I get only seems to be fragments of the truth. I should stop asking all those questions and be content with what I have. I know that, but why then is it so difficult to suppress my burning questions?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Maybe some might say I'm racist, but honestly speaking I can't see myself with a non - Korean. Friends, neighbours , class mates and aquiantances their ethnicity doesn't matter too me. And yes, I know you can't control life or love for that matter...

Instead of focusing too much on being a Korean adoptee maybe I should try to pursue my own happiness... But do I dare too...?

Yes about Christmas now, in Sweden we open our Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve which is today not on 25th Christmas Day...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I'm completely drained from energy and I must take a break from blogging about adoption. I'm going to keep blogging of course but keep the adoption talk at a minimum until I feel ready to return to it again. Which probably will be in January of 2011 at the earliest.

How many Christmas gifts do you usually give your friends and family in average? Maybe it's a good thing that I wasn't raised in Korea afterall since I probably would have to buy more than 20 Christmas gifts just be fair to everyone in my birth family. Read this partially as ironic and partially as my honest opinion.

About 40 years ago a smaller city decided to create a Christmas goat in straw and strangely enough ever since then the towns people as well as other Swedes always wonder will if it last through Christmas or be put on fire. Which has happened many years... and no, the towns people will not stop building it since it a particular monument not only of that town but also for Christmas...
This year the town decided to employ real security guards and strangely enough someone tried to kidnap the goat by bribing the gaurd, which by the way didn't work at all.

By the way, apparently South Korea is planning another military exercize today...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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I have always wanted to be able to learn anything about Korea like's history, culture or society for one. Of course as I havn't been raised there or been raised by Koreans so naturally I don't know that much.
Yet I find myself having a neverending urge to increase my knowledge so that I may at some point be able to understand it more than I presently do. I wish I could embrace like a warm mother's arms or a parent's neverending love...

I am on my way home now to celebrate Christmas and new years but also to begin a new semester at another university. Hopefully I will still be able to finish and present my thesis as originally planned.

This year Christmas will look a little different for me since I'm still on my LCHF-diet, which means there's a lot of dishes I can't eat. No Christmas porridge, no Jansson's delight, nthing made of sugar or carbohydrates and no root vegetables including potatoes and rice. Incredibly I've managed to keep a diet for six months although I'm not sure if it is a testament for the diet or a proof of my character. In 3 days now it's Christmas!!!!

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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2010/11