Two Sides

I confess I used to feel jelaous at my younger brother (the one closest to me in age) but I never hated him. In the beginning I was jelaous of the fact that he was able to stay with our birth family, while I wasn't because I basically was a daughter and not the longed for son. I know that's the truth, but it wasn't my birth parents decision...

These days I feel pity for him because he is the one that has a huge responsability resting on his shoulders and the future and wellbeing of my birth family lies in his hands... How can I ever be jelaous that !? I guess I'll always struggle with some feelings of jelaousy because the rest of birth siblings were all able to stay and be raised by our birth parents. They all know each other I don't know them.

Me and this brother each share the same faith, I think I was born so that he could be born...I was abandoned to make place for him. I don't resent my brother in any way, we are each a part of the same faith but from different perspectives....

 I love them despite of everything and maybe this makes me a bad person... but then again what would you expect... I easily could have become a feminist but I don't like to call myself one even though I may share some feminism opinions. Why is it so that you're expected to marry once you've found true love....

Yet I feel a strange urge and determination to leave Sweden and move to Korea very soon, as soon as I finished everything I need to finish in Sweden. My adventure is not to leave an ordinary life as an average Joe with 2,2 children, husband, Volvo, mansion and summer house. Oh no, so don't ask me to make you any promises because I don't intend to make my future life in Sweden. Korea was my pre life and past, Sweden is only the present Korea will become my future because I want to be. Simple as that.

This îs my last entry for 2011, see you soon in 2012. ^^

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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The Name Of The Game

Ever since the musical Mamma Mia managed to become a movie musical I've loved and appreciated most Abba songs. Particularly those in the movie of corse. This another Abba song seen the movie.

I've seen you twice, in a short time
Only a week since we started
It seems to me, for every time
I'm getting more open-hearted

I was an impossible case
No-one ever could reach me
But I think I can see in your face
There's a lot of things you could teach me
So I wanna know

What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
What's the name of the game?
Can you feel it the way I do?
Tell me please, 'cause I have to know
I'm a bashful child, beginning to grow

And you make talk
And you make me feel
And you make me show
What I'm trying to conceal
If I trust in you, would you let me down?
Would you laugh at me, if I said I care for you?
Could you feel the same way too?

The name of the game

I have no friends, no one to see
And I'm never invited
Now I'm here talking to you
Now i get excited

Your smile and the sound of your voice
And the way you see through me
Got a feeling, you give me no choice
But it means a lot to me
So I wanna know...

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/The-Name-Of-The-Game-lyrics-Abba/F9EB19DDD3E57DA248256BC600202FA4

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Gimme Gimme

Job Oppertunities

What kind of job oppertunities are awailable for KADs if they aspire to move back to Korea as adults ? Is it even possible I wonder ... What if you'd like to earn a living somehow but doesn't like teaching for some reason what then ?

Maybe someone knows or has an answer ? And please don't tell me that it can't be done because I know it can happen, I'm not the first one to consider it.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Allright

Is It Allright ?

Is it allright to want to move back to your birth country with the purpose of continue building a relationship with your birth family if you're an adoptee ? Would it be allright to bring a spouse or a partner and children or would it be selfish ? I told myself I would not allow myself to get to know people from the opposite sex in that way, not until my moving plans were settled. But maybe that's even more selfish than not doing it 'cos I don' know exactly when I'd be able to make that move for sure.

Does one cancel out the other and the opposite , I wonder... ?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Daughter

Reconnecting

Differences And Similarites

I begun to wonder weither or not adoptees can understand and relate to one another regardless of where they've grown up.... Is it so that adoptees from the same country more easily can understand each other... And could it be so that the differences partially consits of where you grew up (your social heritage so to say)...

Mum and I somehow manages to get on each others nerves occassionally, or maybe it's just that mum sometimes acts just like my classmates in grade school and sadly she can't understand how upset and hurt it makes me. I've tried to tell her but she can't seem to understand, because natuarlly she's always right and I'm always wrong...

Dad has never taken on the role as one of my bullies, out of my parents he's the most diplomatic and understanding parent. Maybe I'm being unfair but it's how I feel so why should I lie !? I do still love my mum I just wish she could understand me better, any of those deep and serious talks is much easier to have with dad. When mum has upset me I punish her by only speaking to my dad, I know it's childish and that it really hurts mum but I can't help it. Or maybe I can, I guess I may keep this thing up until the day mum finally understands...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Ibyang

Obvious Opinions

United Korea

With the death of leader Kim Jong Il will a lasting peace and future unification of Korea be more likely to happen ? Changes are it could also go the other way.. Nobody knows for sure...

Will the Korean conflict end by 2012; over 60 years long. Or will the security in South Korea become tighter now, maybe even make more complicated to enter South Korea ? What kind of a leader will Kim Jung Un be ? Will North Korea fall ? As I assume many of you know North Korea has been an autocrazy ever since 1953 and lead by Kim Il Sung, the later Kim Jong Il and now the young Kim Jong Un. And will the US vacate Korea and return home ?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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New Ruler

Obvious Opinions

I'm truely sorry that things didn't turn out the way we both imagined that it would, you must be disappointed in me and my behaviour although you never uttered a word. I thought I could abandon my Swedish values and replace them with Korean values but that task seems impossible and overbearing to me. I was foolish, I didn't believe I had that many values to replace but I was wrong I know that now.

I just wonder where we go from here, I'd like to become more Korean but I guess time has turned me into more of a Swede. I'm not like any other of your children or sisters, I'm strongheaded, independent and I act and behave more like a Swede than a Korean. For instance I can't imagine becoming a shy and timid housewife, I would never stay married to someone if they misstreated me. A failed marriage with one or two kids, is totally fine in my book. I would continue working after my wedding and I can't imagine staying home and raise my children I'd like to work to earn a living instead. I could even imagine moving far away from the parents that raised me, even overseas it doesn't mean I love them any less or would forget everything that has been.

So maybe I'm more like an Oppa than a younger Noona/Yuhdongseang because of my independent lifestyle.... But do they love me any less ?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Daughter Or Friend

Daughter Or Friend

Daughter 딸 (tal) or friend 진구 (chingu). No matter what happens I guess 아버치 and 어머니
always will think of me and treat me as a child or maybe even toddler... Because I guess I'm a toddler to them at best, innocent and helpless in their minds (even though I'm 25 by now and have been considered as an adult for at least 7 years) by my mum and dad. I'll always be a child for my Swedish parents too, of course but I no longer need their permission or approval. I certainly wish and imagine I would ask them for input my future spouse, but I wouldn't have to obey their every word. That's the difference I guess. I am free to make my own mistakes and decisions.

For my siblings it's a different story they have been raised by our rural Korean parents, which means they have to obey their every word. And the younger siblings have to follow the older ones orders, and of course it's our father who has the final say inside our family and outside it's their husbands.

Although me and my birth siblings always will be siblings for better or worse , I realize and fear more than predict that we never will know each other like real siblings since we don't really know each other. They have no clue of my thoughts and opinions and certainly doesn't know of my dreams and goal in life. It sounds harsh , I know but I honestly don't think it matters how much, dearly or sincerely me or them they'd like things to be different. It can never be different from what it is, I wouldn't like to have it all changed or undone. The Dice has already been thrown, and you can't cheat in the game of life.

Right now I'm satisfied that I managed to plant a seed of love and hope inside their hearts and minds, I hope more than guess that it means that the future only can improve... Although it is the truth and nothing but the truth (which sometimes can be hard to hear), the truth is that I love each and everyone of them, yet it does hurt to think of them... I guess that means true love can be painful yet beautiful and delicate. But I guess I'll always be either a daughter or friend never just a sister.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Feminism

Gimme Gimme Gimme

Seriously man don't read to much into this.. It's just a song nothing else...

Half past twelve
And I'm watching the late night show in my flat all alone
How i hate to spend the evening on my own
Autumn winds
Blowing outside my window as I look around the room
And it makes me so depressed to see the gloom
Is there a man out there
Someone to hear my prays

Gimme gimnme gimme a man after midnight
Won't someone help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Take me thriugh the darkness to the break of the day

Movie stars
Find the end of the rainbow, with a fortune to win
It's so different from the world I'm living in
Tired of TV
I open the window and I gaze into the night
But there's nothing there to see, no one in sight
Is there a man out there
Someone to hear my prays

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/abba/gimmegimmegimmeamanaftermidnight.html

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Christmas 2 Days To Go

It's only 2 days left for Christmas Eve, and 9 days left of this year. Some days ago I went a Christmas party and felt really out of place even though it was for Korean adoptees.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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December

The New Ruler

A few days ago North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il died at 69 years old, the new ruler is supposed to be his third and youngest son Kim Jong Un... Will North Korea become a more open society now ? Well, honestly speaking I think the nation has a rather long way to go. Just look at the funeral who didn't allow foreigners to come and show their respects...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Motivational Quotes

Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you. - Thomas Jefferson

Go big or go home. Because it's true. What do you have to lose? - Eliza Dushku 

 No matter how many goals you have achieved, you must set your sights on a higher one. - Jessica Savitch

 The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence. - Confucious 

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Friendship

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Ibyang

Korean faces everywhere... Many Koreans only seems to know Korean, som Koreans speak English but doesn't know Korean. 'Cos they're ibyangs. Some Koreans grow up in America, others are raised in Europe. They might know English while their mother tongue could be German, Dutch, French or maybe Scandinavian ( Danish, Norwegian or Swedish)... But many of them still don't know Korean because they're ibyangs.

For a Korean ibyang it generally means that you'll have to study Korean as a teen or young adult if you want to learn it again for whatever reason.. Koreans seems to assume that you naturally know Korean because you have that Korean face, if you don't then you're a foreigner and a Japanese citizen. Ibyangs that don't know Korean might be mistaken for other Asian ethnicities.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Living On The Edge

Warning, the following entry can possibly be very upsetting... just so you all know...

When I was twelve years old I was less then one inch from getting hit by a car.
At 15 and 16 I became depressed for the first time.
Between 18 and 20 I seriously thought about taking my own life, I even tried to once but I chickened out in the last minute. At 23 I became depressed once again, started wearing black, thinking about death and all of that. It's tragical and sad, but if it hadn't been for my cat I'm not sure where I would be. My cat literarly saved my life...

미안합니다.

I used to feel rejected, a nobody, a worthless living creature not worthy of love or anything similar to that. I was bullied for the way I looked people told me that I was a negro, Chinese or Japanese or the only one ugly enough for something... Unloved because my gender, rejected. So I guess it's not a surprise that I used to feel like I once did. Also even your closest friends or family members can say hurtful things to you and they will not realize that they're hurting you...

But maybe that's the way life's supposed to be for an adult adoptee, I don't know. Sadly I have nobody to ask about this I don't know any adoptees that well that I would feel confident enough to ask those kinds of questions... I've realized that I probably always will have those issues in my life, but that's allright. If I managed to survive my first 25 years then I guess I will manage at least 25 more... Yet other things has happened in my life as well, things that isn't related to adoption and those things have shaped me into the person that I am today for better or worse. Not so many people know about those things....

I suppose I have always been drawn uncounsiously towards a life on the edge. These days I feel much better, honestly speaking. I still have my days though but I dress in colourful clothes and clothes that makes me feel good about myself, that way I can approch every day with a smile.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Feminism & Patriarchy

One thing that I noticed while staying at my older siblings was that gender still matters quite a lot in fact. My oldest sister have a daughter and a son, and whenever we're eating in public they always offered extra servings or the boys favorite food while not giving the girl anything, except for one time she got two ice cream cones.

I can't be sure if my siblings favored the boy over the girl, the things I witnessed while there said one thing, which made me feel really sad for my niece. Whenever I could I gave them and remembered I offered them things like ice cream, rice cakes, pizza and other things. And I tried to be fare to my nephew and my niece.

The world is still a patriarchy despite all the talk and improvements of gender equality and same salaries for equal work, shared parental leave and what's more. I almost hate to say it but I am secretly hoping that I one day get a son, even though I know what society might except from him.

I sometimes imagine that I somehow could transform myself into a boy while still not undergoing any major changes like operations or procedures. Sometimes I think society is treating males more generously than they are with females.

But then I remember what obsticles my own brother are likely to face and then I realize that I don't want to undergo such drastic measures. I am also reminded of how fare the politics in Sweden has developed alongside the rest of the Western world and Europe. In Sweden wmoen almost expect if not equal salary at least equal treatment in the workplace, shared parental leave in some form, sexual harassment is just as common but considered to be if not a crime a great offense. Less people do walk down the aisle these days, some women never marry and some are raising their children as single and unmarried women. In Sweden you don't have to marry if you're having children, society accepts single parent households.

But most importantly Swedish women don't have to conform , adjust or accept a male's opinions or decisions in their own life. I would not call myself a feminist per say, but maybe my moral values makes me one (I'm not sure).

As I was able to experience an authentic Chuseok celebration it soon was clear to me that all women in the family were expected to participate in preparing that special food and it was a time consuming chore, let me tell you. While all my sisters and mother were busy preparing and tasting the food father and brother in law only sat watching us preparing the food and occassionally eating some and they weren't allowed to help out instead they were given beer.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Reconnecting

The other month I was meeting a childhood friend for the first time in 10 years, we had a lot of catching up to do( as you could expect). She didn't seem to have changed a lot, but neither of had managed to stay in toch with all of our classmates...

I of course talked a lot about Korea, and then we talked some about our families and loved ones. She seemed positively surprised to hear that my parents still were happily married after 34 years which might seem like a big accomplishment especially in these days. Then I also learned that she had a boyfriend, and she alsked me if I ever would consider dating a Swede.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Autumn Goodbye - Britney Spears.

 I guess it's not autumn any more as we move closer to Christmas and it's actually December now but still no snow...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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This Day

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Saturday

Samsung & Hyundai

Hyundai's newest edition is as far as I know called Veloster and while Hyundai continues to produce cars Samsung is trying to conquer the world... It seems like they make almost everything !!! And the best thing is of course that they're both Korean brands. And no I'm not partial or taking sides here, what would make you say that !?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Happy Lucia

Today we celebrated Lucia which originally came from Italy and there are two different celebrations one that are more common in Scandinavia and another around Italy and Spain.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Dum Spiro Spero

Dum Spiro Spero - While I breathe I hope.

 © Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Dum Vivimus

Christmas Candy

This Christmas I so far have made Saffron Biscuits; and Saffron Buns which may not be considered to be Christmas Candy although they are really sweet because of the sugar. I will also make my own marsipan this year, I'm stepping up the high gear and maybe also the traditional Chocolate Truffles. Something that is just as delicious as sweets are nuts so we'll have spicy nuts also and they are much more healthy.

For the actual Christmas Eve dinner I thought I'd try making Gingerbread Pie and at least two kinds of truffles. This year I'm the one making most of the Christmas preparations...

Pictures will come soon...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Lay All Your Love On Me

This is one of my favorite songs from Mamma Mia the Movie.....

I wasn't jelaous before we met
Now every man I see is a potential threat
And I'm possessive it isn't nice
You've heard my saying that smoking was my only vice
But now it isn't true
Now everything is new
And all I've learned has overturned
I beg of you...

Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me

It was like shooting a sitting duck
A little small, a smile and baby I was stuck
I still don't know what you've with me
A grown-up man should never fall so easily
I feel a kind of fear
When I don't have you near
Unsatisfied, I skip my pride
I beg you dear...

Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go sharing your devotion
Lay all your love on me

I've had a few little love affairs
They didn't last very long and they've been pretty scarce
I used to think that was sensible
It makes the truth even more incomprehensible

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/abba/lay+all+your+love+on+me_20002834.html

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Gotta Leave My Troubles Behind, Miss Li.

This song is really good and the video reminds me of a cartoon, so what's not to like ? 

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Day

Saturday

Love Quotes

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous - Ingrid Bergman.

 It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' - Erich Fromm 

 Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you. - Loretta Young

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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60s,70s,80s and 90s

Just read a Swedish article full of generalisations it was an article about love which supposedly looks different depending on when you were born. Silly right. As for the 40ths and 50ths they seeked someone handy with the same interests and lifestyle, yes some do that regardless of when they are born. It's nothing wrong with that. The next generation the 60ths generation wanted someone that was fairly social with a stabile economy.

Anyways, it said that the 70s generation looked for eternal love, doesn't everyone ? The 80s generation placed a big importance on looks, for first impression looks may matter some but not in the long run. Not surprisingly they all agreed that happy, positive and loyal was a character trait they all wanted.

If love is percived that differently; then is someone's childhood different compared to someone born 20 years later or 30 years before ? And does it influence people differently and shape them into different people?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Seoul 2011 Part II

The following pictures are a random selection of pictures taken from different places in Seoul. All of them were of course taken by myself.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Part I

Friendship Quotes

A friend to all is a friend to none. - Aristotle

 Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.- George Washington 

 Friendship is held to be the severest test of character. It is easy, we think, to be loyal to a family and clan, whose blood is in your own veins. - Charles Alexander Eastman 

 Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. - C. S Lewis 

 Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness. - Dag Hammarskjold 

 Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. - Marcel Proust 

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Saturday

Universal Woman, Robyn

This song is another one of my many favorites. I thought of my 어머니 the other day and I think the maening of the song can make most women identify.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Immortal Ignorance

Once in a while I come face to face with; what I like to call pure ignorance ( I used to belive that it only served to remind me of my ethnic heritage) which is hard to hide from. I am well aware of my ethnicity, it's sort of unmistakable when you're living in a Western society where the majority used to be ethnic Swedes or Europeans.

These days we have many immigrants with other ethnicities, and maybe the untrained eye is fooled to believe me as an Asian immigrant or mail order bride. I'm honestly not sure.

Once in a while I hear cool teens exclaiming Chinese when they encounter me, they usually smile. When it happens I put on my mask, pretending I'm a foreigner that doesn't know any Swedish.

But a while ago I came face to face with this ignorance when I was walking home from the gym. There were some young children on bicycles accompanied by an older male which I presumed was there dad. It was kind of hard for me pass them as these children were cycling back and forth and not going straight forward. Anyways this young girl usuddenly asked:

"Are will still going to the stable ?"

"Yes we are, if we only can get passed this Chinese person." The Chinese person was me of course, there were no other people on the road other then me and definitely no other Chinese or Asian looking people.

It might seem odd, but my mum and dad have never as far as I remember and know treated me differently because of my Korean heritage. They have never been guilty of any racism although they begun telling me about my Korean birth family when I was 2 or 3 years old. Maybe it also helped that my younger brother not only was a fellow adoptee but also a KAD.

But there's still some things I still question.. like why I never was told of possabilites to learn Korean as a child. Once in grade school my teacher informed of the possabilility to study parental tongue in my class there were a few children that had to learn Finnnish. Learning Korean as a parental tongue in grade school since I didn't think you could learn your parental tongue if you were an adoptee, but also since I didn't think there would be so many other Korean adoptees.

Now I know that the school has to offer pupils the possability to learn their parental tongue if they manage to get enough interested pupils.Not even my adoptive parents knew this at the time, so I can't really blame them can I...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Sweety - Clazziquai one of my favorite songs... 

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Thursday

The History Of Korea Djun Kil Kim

Djun Kil Kim, The History of Korea

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Simon Winchester

 Keith Pratt

Korea Old