Warning, the following entry can possibly be very upsetting... just so you all know...
When I was twelve years old I was less then one inch from getting hit by a car.
At 15 and 16 I became depressed for the first time.
Between 18 and 20 I seriously thought about taking my own life, I even tried to once but I chickened out in the last minute. At 23 I became depressed once again, started wearing black, thinking about death and all of that. It's tragical and sad, but if it hadn't been for my cat I'm not sure where I would be. My cat literarly saved my life...
미안합니다.
I used to feel rejected, a nobody, a worthless living creature not worthy of love or anything similar to that. I was bullied for the way I looked people told me that I was a negro, Chinese or Japanese or the only one ugly enough for something... Unloved because my gender, rejected. So I guess it's not a surprise that I used to feel like I once did. Also even your closest friends or family members can say hurtful things to you and they will not realize that they're hurting you...
But maybe that's the way life's supposed to be for an adult adoptee, I don't know. Sadly I have nobody to ask about this I don't know any adoptees that well that I would feel confident enough to ask those kinds of questions... I've realized that I probably always will have those issues in my life, but that's allright. If I managed to survive my first 25 years then I guess I will manage at least 25 more... Yet other things has happened in my life as well, things that isn't related to adoption and those things have shaped me into the person that I am today for better or worse. Not so many people know about those things....
I suppose I have always been drawn uncounsiously towards a life on the edge. These days I feel much better, honestly speaking. I still have my days though but I dress in colourful clothes and clothes that makes me feel good about myself, that way I can approch every day with a smile.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
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