A somewhat signifant difference between being raised in Korea compared to Sweden that I havn't yet discussed is the fact that Sweden hasn't been in a war for many, many centuries. No kidding. We don't even have mandatory military service like they do in South Korea and (I havn't been raised in a country that's on standby) meaning the North Korean situation.
(And no I'm well aware of the fact that Sweden has deployed an army in other countries, but that's not the point of this particular post)
Because of this I have been raised in a country that has started to take peace for granted, my personal conclusion nothing else. Did you for example know that Sweden don't even allow men and women that are interested to do military service to join? It's sort of like trying out for the Swedish police academy training. Crazy right?
Maybe I'm overexaggerating now but I believe that since Sweden has been a peaceful nation from the Gustav Vasa period Swedes have losed that natural patriotic feeling. We can only attempt to recreate the same kind of feelings and unity by participating or watch sports events or competitions.
I suppose people tend to get confussed when it comes to my personal name, since I actually isn't making things better by constantly having an artefact in another name with me...
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
General Election
Swedish Politics
Korean Conflict
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
언니
언니 sister , is it really all right that I call you sister? Do you know how much I'd like to not only tell you about my life but also somehow , even if it is unrealistic make you a part of my life? Share my secrets with you, joke around with you and confide in you in times of trouble...
However that is presently not likely to materialize mainly because of my limited knowledge in Hangul although I'm learning it. And then there's also the cultural aspect which cannot be denied, you as well as the rest of my family where raised in a Confucian society that still seems to prioritaze a hierarchial system. Compared to Korea ,Sweden is much more equal at least it's supposed to be so even if I learn Hangul we might never be able to understand and relate to one another, which basically means we might never be like real sisters even if we are because we share the same blood although we were to be separated and raised independently and without knowledge of each other for years.
But 언니 Unni do you know that I love you? I really hope you do...
Related posts:
감사합니다
입양인
미안해
사랑해요 아빠
나의 가족
However that is presently not likely to materialize mainly because of my limited knowledge in Hangul although I'm learning it. And then there's also the cultural aspect which cannot be denied, you as well as the rest of my family where raised in a Confucian society that still seems to prioritaze a hierarchial system. Compared to Korea ,Sweden is much more equal at least it's supposed to be so even if I learn Hangul we might never be able to understand and relate to one another, which basically means we might never be like real sisters even if we are because we share the same blood although we were to be separated and raised independently and without knowledge of each other for years.
But 언니 Unni do you know that I love you? I really hope you do...
Related posts:
감사합니다
입양인
미안해
사랑해요 아빠
나의 가족
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Adoption
as defined by Oxford Online Dictionary
See link to article adoption.n
Related posts:
입양인
Adoptee Glossary
Adoption Feel
Adoption Portrayals
1. The action of voluntarily taking into any relation; esp. of taking into sonship.
a1387 J. Trevisa tr. R. Higden Polychron. (St. John's Cambr.) V. 213 Pelagius‥seide þat it nedeþ nouȝt to cristene children for to clense hem of synne, but for to worshippe hem wiþ þe sacrament of adopcioun [L. ut sacramento adoptionis honorentur].
1483 Caxton tr. Caton a iiij. The second [kind of cousin] is legale, the whiche cause is by adopcyon.
1581 J. Marbeck Bk. of Notes 15. The Lawiers‥define Adoption to be a legitimate act imitating nature, found out for their solace and comfort, which haue no children.
1603 Shakespeare Hamlet i. iii. 62 Those friends thou hast, and their adoptions tried, Graple them to thee with a hoope of steele.
1755 Bp. T. Sherlock Disc. I. viii. 230 The Spirit itself, that is the Spirit of Adoption, which Christians receive, is one Witness.
1875 H. E. Manning Internal Mission of Holy Ghost i. 18 We are made sons of God by adoption.
b.1644–58 J. Cleveland Gen. Poems (1677) 118 As Chickens are hatcht at Grand Cairo by the Adoption of an Oven.
c. viewed passively, The fact of being so adopted; adopted relation or condition.
2a. The act of taking up and treating as one's own; acceptance, espousal.
b. Philol. (as used in this Dict.) The taking of a word belonging to a foreign language into regular use in our own, without (intentional) change of form; a special instance of this process.
c. passively, The fact of being so taken up and accepted; the being adopted
See link to article adoption.n
Related posts:
입양인
Adoptee Glossary
Adoption Feel
Adoption Portrayals
Monday, 7 February 2011
Swedish Weather
Ever since the last few weeks in November of 2010 Sweden has been covered in snow, and the weather has actually been cold ever since. Not that that would be anything out of the ordinary, believe me. Snow is just one of those things I can't influence and that I've learned to accept without almost taking it for granted.
It's snowing again, oh well guess I'll have to use my snow boots.
However the winter weather of 2010 hit new records as it hadn't been that cold or snowed that much for centuries. Centuries! Last time the Swedish weather looked like that was in 1850s. 1850s. Unbelievable.
I suspect that spring will come late this year... hopefully it will be spring by my birthday in a few months. In the evening I tried making Foccacio, the Italian bread...
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Female Suffrage
Cinnemon Bun Day
Swedish Politics
Female Discrimination
Jean Baptiste
It's snowing again, oh well guess I'll have to use my snow boots.
However the winter weather of 2010 hit new records as it hadn't been that cold or snowed that much for centuries. Centuries! Last time the Swedish weather looked like that was in 1850s. 1850s. Unbelievable.
I suspect that spring will come late this year... hopefully it will be spring by my birthday in a few months. In the evening I tried making Foccacio, the Italian bread...
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Female Suffrage
Cinnemon Bun Day
Swedish Politics
Female Discrimination
Jean Baptiste
Sunday, 6 February 2011
The Weil
Have you noticed that you easilly could become a permanent reader of this blog without having to worry about spelling and blog address?
It's not like my Korean birth parents or my siblings understands me better than my adoptive parents does. If there's a wall between me and my adoptive parents then there's a weil between me and my Bumo and my Onni's, Hyung's and Dongsaeng's. When it comes to my birth family it's like I always see myself emotionally walking through quick sand or like I'm drowning and there's nobody around to save me. Maybe things will always be like that, but I guess it can't help to try too learn Korean if I want to achive 2 % or less of that real unconditional bond between siblings and sisters that I really long for but hasn't been able to experience for real.
It's not like I could call any of my Onni's in the middle of the night just too talk, not that I'm sure if you do that normally but I imagine that you would....
Or asking my Hyung's for serious advice, I wonder if I ever will be able to do that... Maybe some day, in my dreams most likely.
As for my Bumo's I'm not sure how filial piety would be best described but would I be prepared to marry someone that they've chosen for me as a husband ... And then next would be children would I accept to have a child with just anyone whenever my parents would tell me to...
Those last two are hard ones difficult to process, maybe I would have to conform to my parents advice would I have been raised under their care and love but reality does not look like this, not for me. But I imagine that it does look like this for my siblings. At least to some extent.
As life has it now I think that my parents only wishes that I some day in the future would see me finding love, not neccesssarilly marrying and maybe have a child or to somewhere down the road. One advantage for me parents is that they don't have any responsability of finding me a spouse to marry that's hard enogh with several daughters. Now I guess all they can do is hope that I will find my most suitable life path and maybe at times offer me guidance.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Legacy
Heart
Wall
Fullfilment
It's not like my Korean birth parents or my siblings understands me better than my adoptive parents does. If there's a wall between me and my adoptive parents then there's a weil between me and my Bumo and my Onni's, Hyung's and Dongsaeng's. When it comes to my birth family it's like I always see myself emotionally walking through quick sand or like I'm drowning and there's nobody around to save me. Maybe things will always be like that, but I guess it can't help to try too learn Korean if I want to achive 2 % or less of that real unconditional bond between siblings and sisters that I really long for but hasn't been able to experience for real.
It's not like I could call any of my Onni's in the middle of the night just too talk, not that I'm sure if you do that normally but I imagine that you would....
Or asking my Hyung's for serious advice, I wonder if I ever will be able to do that... Maybe some day, in my dreams most likely.
As for my Bumo's I'm not sure how filial piety would be best described but would I be prepared to marry someone that they've chosen for me as a husband ... And then next would be children would I accept to have a child with just anyone whenever my parents would tell me to...
Those last two are hard ones difficult to process, maybe I would have to conform to my parents advice would I have been raised under their care and love but reality does not look like this, not for me. But I imagine that it does look like this for my siblings. At least to some extent.
As life has it now I think that my parents only wishes that I some day in the future would see me finding love, not neccesssarilly marrying and maybe have a child or to somewhere down the road. One advantage for me parents is that they don't have any responsability of finding me a spouse to marry that's hard enogh with several daughters. Now I guess all they can do is hope that I will find my most suitable life path and maybe at times offer me guidance.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Legacy
Heart
Wall
Fullfilment
Saturday, 5 February 2011
Dirty Korean
In this book you get the unique oppertunity to learn real Korean slang and , which I wouldn't dare to call Dirty Korean... It's funny but I'm unsure of how useful it might actually be..
.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
한글
Nothing To Envy
Pop Goes Korea
Somewhere Inside
Friday, 4 February 2011
Day In The Life
I'm an adoptee and my adoptive parents are White Westerners, Swedes and not having a similar appearance always made people at least seem extra interested in me as a child:
Where is she from... (or rather where's he from people assumed I was a boy based on my hair)...
As I grew older it happened more frequently that people believed I was an immigrant or even worse an which I will not write...
One thing you never can escape from is that being an international adoptee people don't respect your personal boundries. Asking questions like: Where are you from..?, by which they actually mean where you were born or more particularly where your parents were born....
Other common questions include:
Can you speak... [insert optional language]... ? Have you seen your parents and meet your birth family? How was it?
Attempting to create a family by international adoption does have its very unique traits like for instance trying to raise your child with awareness of its other family and at the same not implying or pointing to the actual ethnical differences... Some children, or adoptees might feel provoked and irritated by this kind of attitude among their adoptive parents.... For some adoptees the identity only consits of the culture, upbringing and family that adoption brought with it. That should be acceptable as well, although I personally have another opinion...
The other day when mum and I was talking she refered to my renuion trip as a vacation since it not only coinsided with her and dad's holiday but was in fact planned during it. To me, even though my reunion took place in the summer on my summer break to me it was nothing but a vacation or holiday.
Why?
Because I seriously don't think that you're supposed to feel worried, anexious, sadness and suffer from sleep deprivation and disrupted sleep during a holiday. If that's your view of an ordinary holiday then I think you've seriously missed something.
Yesterday, mum reminded my brother of my name change which he seemed to have forgotten and then he asked what I called myself on a daily basis. Again, mum's remark was that I still went by my old name at home, this made me annoyed based on two things.
Firstly, I was in the same room at the time and I'm no longer a child so I should be able to speak for myself.
Secondly, I'm not an item why can't mum seem to understand that !? I usually don't answer when my parents call me by my old name which I by the way completely has removed.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
What Not To
Dairy
Adoption Portrayals
Where is she from... (or rather where's he from people assumed I was a boy based on my hair)...
As I grew older it happened more frequently that people believed I was an immigrant or even worse an which I will not write...
One thing you never can escape from is that being an international adoptee people don't respect your personal boundries. Asking questions like: Where are you from..?, by which they actually mean where you were born or more particularly where your parents were born....
Other common questions include:
Can you speak... [insert optional language]... ? Have you seen your parents and meet your birth family? How was it?
Attempting to create a family by international adoption does have its very unique traits like for instance trying to raise your child with awareness of its other family and at the same not implying or pointing to the actual ethnical differences... Some children, or adoptees might feel provoked and irritated by this kind of attitude among their adoptive parents.... For some adoptees the identity only consits of the culture, upbringing and family that adoption brought with it. That should be acceptable as well, although I personally have another opinion...
The other day when mum and I was talking she refered to my renuion trip as a vacation since it not only coinsided with her and dad's holiday but was in fact planned during it. To me, even though my reunion took place in the summer on my summer break to me it was nothing but a vacation or holiday.
Why?
Because I seriously don't think that you're supposed to feel worried, anexious, sadness and suffer from sleep deprivation and disrupted sleep during a holiday. If that's your view of an ordinary holiday then I think you've seriously missed something.
Yesterday, mum reminded my brother of my name change which he seemed to have forgotten and then he asked what I called myself on a daily basis. Again, mum's remark was that I still went by my old name at home, this made me annoyed based on two things.
Firstly, I was in the same room at the time and I'm no longer a child so I should be able to speak for myself.
Secondly, I'm not an item why can't mum seem to understand that !? I usually don't answer when my parents call me by my old name which I by the way completely has removed.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
What Not To
Dairy
Adoption Portrayals
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Emotional Change
Happy New Year 새해 복 많이 받으세요 Saehae Bok Manhi Baduseyo!!!! Today is Lunar New Year, or Seollnal in Korean. 2011 = first day of the rabbit.
I've spent approximately 15 + years being angry, annoyed and disappointed only to learn that what actually happened wasn't even close too what was officially stated. Now I'm no longer an angry adoptee per see, well maybe I'm a bit angry at the system but not nearly as much as I used to be.
Now I find myself, filled with an almost overwhelming feeling of sorrow so yes I'm sad over anything else and also somewhat confussed.... Maybe some would say my name change was unneccessary first of all, I might even have made things more complicated for myself... But I've spent up until now trying to adjust, accumulate and fit in and its only now that I'm starting to grasp who I really am. Not somebody's daughter or woman; but me, what it is that makes me the person that I am.
Yesterday I started thinking that I might not have felt so strongly for a name change if the general view and attitude for adoptees would have been different and maybe, just maybe I might not have attempted it if it hadn't been for the reactions I recieved from my adoptive parents. I love my adoptive family, I do but I shouldn't have to feel obligated to choose between the family who gave me life and the family that raised me...
I'm Swedish by adoption, it's not something I chose, I can't change that... But it should be allright for me to try to live my life as I like and if a personal name change has a purpose to me by which it makes me feel complete than no one should try to talk me out of it. I was never really Swedish so , you have no reason to really feel upset by my attempts of regaining my true self... My Korean me.
It has absolutely nothing to do with rewriting the past, replacing one set of parents with the other, one sibling for the other... My life is filled with many good memories as well and I'm not after forgetting the past, the past still hurts sometimes... But I try not dwell on it for to long, I appreciate things I have but I also am very much aware of things I lost. Therefore I'm still unable to ignore the past, I want to remember it because it has shaped me to the person that I am today.
Also I seem to have made a slight mistake, since I can't really say that I'm totally satisfied with my answer, relating back to my previous post Satisfaction. Instead I'm as satisfied as I possibly can be but no, there's still a long way left til 100% satisfaction.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Challenge
Tiger
Rabbit
Rainbow
Fullfilment
Love
I've spent approximately 15 + years being angry, annoyed and disappointed only to learn that what actually happened wasn't even close too what was officially stated. Now I'm no longer an angry adoptee per see, well maybe I'm a bit angry at the system but not nearly as much as I used to be.
Now I find myself, filled with an almost overwhelming feeling of sorrow so yes I'm sad over anything else and also somewhat confussed.... Maybe some would say my name change was unneccessary first of all, I might even have made things more complicated for myself... But I've spent up until now trying to adjust, accumulate and fit in and its only now that I'm starting to grasp who I really am. Not somebody's daughter or woman; but me, what it is that makes me the person that I am.
Yesterday I started thinking that I might not have felt so strongly for a name change if the general view and attitude for adoptees would have been different and maybe, just maybe I might not have attempted it if it hadn't been for the reactions I recieved from my adoptive parents. I love my adoptive family, I do but I shouldn't have to feel obligated to choose between the family who gave me life and the family that raised me...
I'm Swedish by adoption, it's not something I chose, I can't change that... But it should be allright for me to try to live my life as I like and if a personal name change has a purpose to me by which it makes me feel complete than no one should try to talk me out of it. I was never really Swedish so , you have no reason to really feel upset by my attempts of regaining my true self... My Korean me.
It has absolutely nothing to do with rewriting the past, replacing one set of parents with the other, one sibling for the other... My life is filled with many good memories as well and I'm not after forgetting the past, the past still hurts sometimes... But I try not dwell on it for to long, I appreciate things I have but I also am very much aware of things I lost. Therefore I'm still unable to ignore the past, I want to remember it because it has shaped me to the person that I am today.
Also I seem to have made a slight mistake, since I can't really say that I'm totally satisfied with my answer, relating back to my previous post Satisfaction. Instead I'm as satisfied as I possibly can be but no, there's still a long way left til 100% satisfaction.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Challenge
Tiger
Rabbit
Rainbow
Fullfilment
Love
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
Satisfaction
I'm satisfied to know that even though the decision to relinguish me up for adoption might be considered as the ultimate betrayal in my case it was only taken due to many unfortunate events; a matter of life and death.
Yet I've just realized that I for one is most likely to upon moving to Korea; feel like an alien and be recieving constant treatment of stigma and maybe even head towards the same or similar future like my Omma or Onni... Not that that neccessarilly is wrong but maybe you could notice the contradiction here...
If I move to Korea I might fall in love with a Korean and after that I suppose I might marry and eventually become a mother, but that's not for certain.... This would mean that I might be stigmatized not only because I am an adoptee but also based on the fact that I'm a woman...
I suppose living in Sweden being raised as a Swede do have its benefits...
Yet I can never totally escape from being stigmatized, you are stigmaitzed based on what kind of social , ethnic categories you fit into just to name a few. And the Korean government is making serious attempts to improve the situation for the most stigmatized people in Korea.
But regardless of stigma or not, every inch of my body whisper and urge me to go to Korea, My Birth Land I still have a large woid inside me on an emotional and psychological level.
I suppose as humans, we're never supposed to be completely satisfied, for instance brunettes and dark haired people might long for blonde hair while those with straight hair might want curls instead. Or if you happen to have brown or green eyes you might favour blue eyes instead. Eye colour and hair colour are two of humans physical traits and it just so happens that those are the ones people can control.
Having a different skin colour is different, if it's because of another ethnic origin be it Asian, Afro American, Latino, or whatever those are things we can't change. Of course you could try to alter and hide your skin colour by different cosmetics products and treatments but still you'll always be what you were born to be....
Related posts:
I Wonder
Deep Down
Fullfilment
Adoption Portrayals
Yet I've just realized that I for one is most likely to upon moving to Korea; feel like an alien and be recieving constant treatment of stigma and maybe even head towards the same or similar future like my Omma or Onni... Not that that neccessarilly is wrong but maybe you could notice the contradiction here...
If I move to Korea I might fall in love with a Korean and after that I suppose I might marry and eventually become a mother, but that's not for certain.... This would mean that I might be stigmatized not only because I am an adoptee but also based on the fact that I'm a woman...
I suppose living in Sweden being raised as a Swede do have its benefits...
Yet I can never totally escape from being stigmatized, you are stigmaitzed based on what kind of social , ethnic categories you fit into just to name a few. And the Korean government is making serious attempts to improve the situation for the most stigmatized people in Korea.
But regardless of stigma or not, every inch of my body whisper and urge me to go to Korea, My Birth Land I still have a large woid inside me on an emotional and psychological level.
I suppose as humans, we're never supposed to be completely satisfied, for instance brunettes and dark haired people might long for blonde hair while those with straight hair might want curls instead. Or if you happen to have brown or green eyes you might favour blue eyes instead. Eye colour and hair colour are two of humans physical traits and it just so happens that those are the ones people can control.
Having a different skin colour is different, if it's because of another ethnic origin be it Asian, Afro American, Latino, or whatever those are things we can't change. Of course you could try to alter and hide your skin colour by different cosmetics products and treatments but still you'll always be what you were born to be....
Related posts:
I Wonder
Deep Down
Fullfilment
Adoption Portrayals
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Balance
Although I have started to use Korean phrases and words occasionally I never intended to write long complicated posts in Hangul or Korean. This is becuase the topics and content in most post can be rather controversial as it reflects my current mood and experience from being a KAD or adoptee. If I suddenly started to write in Hangul I suspect that I might lose a lot of people that occasionally reads this blog and there's a small chance that my birth family members would be able to read my blog, which although it's a long shoot still can happen...
For their sake I've decided to continue bloging without reveiling my true identity...
Balance.., yes, what's with all these Swedish remakes of Extreme Home Makeover!? Last year Fuskbyggarna The Fake Builders started, this year another channel just finished airing Byggfällan, The Building Trap and now a third channel has started to broadcast a show called Sofia's Änglar Sophia's Angels which is really similar to Extreme Home Makeover while Fuskbyggarna and Byggfällan is somewhat different since it wants to help people that has been stuck with crushed dreams as as a result of cheating builders and fake contracters..
Some days ago I went to see another movie starring Noomi Rapace as well as her ex husband Ola Rapace...
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
한글
Wall
Ending
For their sake I've decided to continue bloging without reveiling my true identity...
Balance.., yes, what's with all these Swedish remakes of Extreme Home Makeover!? Last year Fuskbyggarna The Fake Builders started, this year another channel just finished airing Byggfällan, The Building Trap and now a third channel has started to broadcast a show called Sofia's Änglar Sophia's Angels which is really similar to Extreme Home Makeover while Fuskbyggarna and Byggfällan is somewhat different since it wants to help people that has been stuck with crushed dreams as as a result of cheating builders and fake contracters..
Some days ago I went to see another movie starring Noomi Rapace as well as her ex husband Ola Rapace...
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
한글
Wall
Ending
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)