해피 할로윈

Who said anything about putting the clock back one hour to normal time ( I know I was supposed to do it but I've actually been on Korea time ever since last summer) and surprisingly enough I've gotten used to it , but of course I cheat I still have the Swedish time too on my phone....

I really need to to move on instead of continuing to live in the past, but it's hard especially if your past is a painful one. And I guess it didn't really help to find one of the instigators on Facebook, I even started to dream about him... I know I have issues, you should only know how much luggage I carry on a normal basis. But this is no competetion in pain.

It's time to face the music, if I'm ever to find peace within myself the only question is how I'm supposed to that. Will I be able to move on myself or should I try to contact the people from my past ... If I should there's a big problem here, because of my changed name they might not know me or remember me...

Yesterday I couldn't sleep these days I need to sleep with the computer on so I can listen to music on Spotify. I get nightmares if I don't do it. Anyways, around midnight the Internet connection went off which meant I wasn't able to go to bed until 1AM. I need to find a way to get back to my usual happy me, I don't like the way I've become...

I'm considering havn't decided yet, but I'm considering writing that letter to my birth family if not in November than December. I feel a little bit bad since I didn't write back to them telling them I had arrived safe and sound in Sweden. They might not even know I'm back at home.

I also feel guilty because I think almost took my mum and dad for granted up until my trip, I appreciate them more now strangely enough. You might think it would be the other way around, but there's many sides to a person, sides that you might not reveil , besides my other family can't understand all of my decisions or my choices in life. At times they even treat my like a child although I'm no longer the youngest child.... But I'm not complaining, if it by any chance would sound like it...

I love my mum and ad tremendously, and yes my younger brother too, and I'll admit I still love my birth family, I guess I always will. It's not goodbye or the end, it's see you later. We're just on a break, I guess and assume that we both need it. Maybe things will improve once I know more Korean...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Mute Mood

Too Young

Pandora's Box

Korean Movies And Drama

Movies

•  미녀는 괴로워 200 Pounds Beauty
• 백만장자의 첫사랑 A Millionarie's First Love
• 내 머리속의 지우개A Moment To Remember
• 서양골동양과자점 엔티크Antique Bakery
• 순정만화Hello Schoolgirl
• 아는 여자 Someone Special
• 키친 The Naked Kitchen

Dramas

• 1%의 어떤 것1 % Of Anything
• 49일49 Days
• 9회말 2아웃 9 Ends 2 Outs
• 가을동화Autumn Tale
• 못된 사랑 Bad Love
• 베토벤 바이러스Beethoven Virus
• 꽃보다 남자 Boys Before Flowers
• 카인과 아벨 Cain And Abel
• 신데렐라맨Cinderella Man
• 신데렐라 언니Cinderella's Sister
• 시티헌터City Hunter
• 인연만들기Creating Destiny
• 드림하이Dream High
• 에덴의 동쪽East Of Eden
• 풀하우스Full House
• 황금신부Golden Bride
• 궁 S Goong S
• 결혼 못하는 남자He Who Can't Marry
•  넌 내게 반했어Heartstrings
• 아이리스IRIS
• 제빵왕 김탁구King Of Baking
• 내게 거짓말을 해봐 Lie To Me
• 연애결혼Love Marriage
• 천만번 사랑해 Loving You A Thousand Times
• 매리는 외박중Mary Stayed Out All Night
• 장난스런 키스Mischievous Kiss
• 마이걸My Girl
• 내 여자친구는 구미호My Girlfriend Is A Nine Tailed Fox
• 마이 프린세스 My Princess
• 뉴하트New Heart
• 오! 마이 레이디Oh My Lady
• 검사 프린세스Prosecutor Princess
• 내조의 여왕Queen Of Houseviwes
• 시크릿 가든Secret Garden
• 찬란한 유산Shining Inheritance
• 별을 따다 줘 Stars Falling From The Sky
• 태양을 삼켜라Swallow The Sun
• 아가씨를 부탁해 Take Care Of Young Lady
• 아내의 유혹 Temptation Of Wife
• 커피프린스 1호점The 1st Coffeshop Of Coffee Pince
• 그들이 사는 세상 The World That They Live In
• 우리 결혼했어요 We Got Married
• 누구세요Who Are You
• 마녀유희Witch Yoo Hee
• 너는 내 운명 You Are My Destiny
• 미남이시네요 You're Beautiful

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Keith Pratt

In My Heart

Norebang

Does Your Mother Know

 This my first entry about a new Swedish topic; ABBA and yes they're Swedish if you didn't know already...

You're so hot teasin' me
So you're blue but I can't take a chance of a chick like you
There's that look in your eyes
I can read your eyes that you're feelings are driving you wild
Ah, but girl you're only a child

Welll I can dance with you honey
if you think it's funny
Does you're mother know that you're out ?
And I can chat with you baby flirt a little maybe
Does you're mother know that you're out`

Take it easy
(Take it easy)
Better slow down girl
That's no way to go
Does you're mother know ?
Take it easy
(Take it easy)

I can see what you want
But you seem pretty young to be searching for that kind of fun
So maybe I'm not the one
Now you're so cute, I like your style
And I know what you mean when you give me a flash of that smile
But you're only a child

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/abba/doesyourmotherknow.html

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

and for the record I don't own the copyright to the lyric of that song....

Related posts:

My Values

My Values

About reunion and birth family search, yes it's true I don't lie when I say that begun searching 10 years ago. I did, you can choose not to believe me if you want to, if that would make you feel better. It might have been to early, maybe I wasn't ready I don't know, all I know that I was the youngest in my birth family which meant that my older siblings could be 20 years older then I was and it also meant that my parents could be almost 40 years older then I was. So you see, the best time to start searching was then because if I would have waited my birth parents might not have been around. Korea's average age is something like 80 + but that's no garantuee that my birth parents would live to be that old...

I may be young maybe even naïve, at times but it's not something I easily can change. That has to do with life experience. And I'm still just 25 years old, 25 not 35. But even so I won't let people step on me, or treat me like they want or as they see fit. I'm a living person with feelings more than anything else. Just because I dress a certain why that doesn't in any way say anything about my values and beliefs. Not at all.

I'm everything but promiscious, believe me. Next time I meet a guy, I want the real deal. Not necessarilly marriage, house and children but I want a real relationship, some day but I'm in no hurry. Hey, I'm still young remember ?

I will not change the way I dress as long as I feel comfortable in it, it's just the Swedish ...

Regarding Swedish girls reputation , I for sure know about it and I believe it all started back in the 1950s with famous movie Summer with Monica...

Apparently it's not allright for a young lass to dress in to short clothes or clothes that shows too much cleveage. But you know what I'm still young, and it's not a big thing in Sweden it's quite common in fact. And yes, I use my I'm-still-young card again. I'll use it for as long as I can then I guess I'll start using I'm-a-foreigner and I'm-an-adoptee card but I still have many times left on my youth card...

Furthermore, modern women in Sweden desires to become housewives and presumely stay-at-home wives, but I'm not one of them. I don't want the same life as my older sisters have in Korea, I want a carrier in something and I want my indepenence and freedom to make my own decisions. So unless I have a lobotomy or somehow have a serious memory loss I will never become a house wife.

I will pull through this even though it feels like my hart will break into pieces with every little breath that I take.
I will make it through, I'll make it through the tunnel one day some day, maybe not now tomorrow or next week. I don't care how much time I have to wait. I just hope my birth family will still accept me and want me back into their lives...

But I will let nobody tell me how to live my life, because it's my life afterall nobody else's. So what if I want to apply for an F4 visa and live permantely in Korea ? It should be allright, don't you think. If it's what I want, if it's what I truely want, desires and dream about , I'm a fool if I don't try to make that a reality.

Of course it might not be necessary to apply for an F4 visa but that's not the point. Ultimately we all only get once chance to live, and I want to live my life without regrets. I realized that being an adoptee means you have to figure out how to deal with the consequences of your adoption, and this means there's no available universal solution or method. I think I'll have to my living by feeling and listening to my heart and what feels right to me. Not what makes sense or seems logical or resonable.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Repeating Destiny

In My Heart

Mute Mood

Greif Again

Pandora's Box

I feel like I ruined everything, by going back to Korea. Honestly I do, but I don't regret going. I would do it all again, in a heartbeat. But I was the one that not only wanted but felt like I needed to search for them 10 years ago. It was my desire and my wish to find them, but maybe I could have been to young...

Not knowing anything about the consequences although I did speculate and imagine every imaginable scenario. Dead or sick parents, divorced parents, not wanting any contact etc. Everything feels much more intense and so messed up to tell the truth. My second reunion trip put everything in perspective although it felt and still fels like its upside down and at the knife's end.

I know I'm nagging, and I know it was my decision to initate the search but I never imagined how it would feel.... That it would feel like this... As if I'm drowning, not being able to breath screaming and cathing water in my lungs and throat...

If there was an emergency break you could use, I would use it right this minute and then get off at the next station... It's really hard to breath, I have a constant cheast pain and a nagging feeling in my chest. It feels like I played a set of Battleship and someone has managed to sink all of my ships, like someone put a bullet through my head or something and I'm trying not only to breath but live like I normally would...

I might not be able to visit my birth family any more in the future, because of what I did and what happened last time. I think I've lost them, I don't know if I ever want to see them again.

My other family, can't seem to understand anything any more, they feel like strangers. They don't feel like a family anymore, they deemand too much out of me. A few days ago I actually considered ending it with my birth family, I know that it probably is selfish and all that. But I was overwhelmed by emotions and disappointment that I naturally had to react in some way. I tore my family pictures that used to hang on my bullentinboard. It's no big deal I still have the originals on a memory stick so I could easilly print them out again if I wanted to.

What's the point of going back to Korea if you're only interested in the country and the language ... !? If I decide to continue establishing some kind of relationship with my birth family, then I probably would have some use of the Korean language. But if I decide to end it, then I guess there's no point of my going back to Korea or studying Korean. Is it even allright to feel this way, I somehow feel guilty for thinking this way...

Being adopted isn't easy, being in reunion with your birth family takes it all to another level. I guess I will not end it, it probably became to intense staying for over a month with my siblings... Afterall we're still strangers to each other even though we're sisters. Maybe we'll never truely feel like real sisters and siblings even though we share the same genes and parents. I'll stick it through, even if it's hard. Learning Korean has been a dream of mine for some years now, why should I suddenly give up on that dream !?

I know it doesn't seem logical to my mum and dad that I seriously consider learning Korean so that I can live there. But in there mind I have officially or informally broken things off with my birth family, (just because I tore some pictures up into pieces...) I still love my birth family and I know they love me too, but I think they need to be left alone because we both seem to have endured some kind of major or constant disappointment. I will contact them eventually, I promise that I will. I just need straight myself out, get my things togheter and try to sort out all of my feelings and reactions.. It may take some time. But plase, please give me the time I need. I'll try to become a person that can make you proud, if you just give me some time to catch my breath.

I've opened Pandora's box and well now it's open and I can't close it no matter how hard I try, I could of course try to through it away... I must be the world's biggest fool so completely utterly naïve , why didn't I realize that reunion would feel so bad, so intense and so hurtful. No, of course I didn't I only wanted my happy ending, I don't regret it I really don't.. How is it even possible to long, dream and desire something that might cause you so much pain and heart ache ... Why didn't I know, couldn't I have guessed... No 'cos I was to blind, only wanted to do what felt right....Can someone please teach me about the snooze button

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Mute Mood

Those Days

Greif Again

Too Young

Too Young

I'm too young for this, I can't take it anymore. I'm too young to deal with all of this, how much can you expect of me !? I'm too young for everything, I'm too young for my life. I'm not ready for my family, I want out now. I'm not mature enough to handle my birth family, I want it all to end.


But fine, I'm not too young to live I just think I'm way to immature for my own life !?

I'm basically too young to live, live my messed up life. Would it be allright to give up your birthfamily ? I guess it's not but it seems like my family can't handle my birth family and it creates such tension and friction that all ends up on me. Put the blame on me, it seems fare I was the one that was adopted. I didn't choose it but who cares!? I'm only nagging and complaining, right !?

Maybe everything would be better if it hadn't been for me, you would still have one child left. A good one, the perfect one. Put everything on him, don't let me carry the burden of your failures in life. I'm too young for that, it's not fare.

You don't seem to care about me any longer, I'm all alone... I'm starting to scare myself.... I'm so feed up with everything. I wish I never would have been adopted or even born in the first place. What's the point ? What's the point of everything ? Would anybody miss if I'm gone ...? I'm actually not sure not anymore, I used to be. I used to believe that at least somebody would, but now I don't now anymore.

Sometimes I think I'm too young to be in reunion with my birth family, it's not that I don't want it, regret it or would take it back... It just may be that I still don't know enough about life, I think I'm still too naïve sometimes, which makes it even harder to be in active reunion with my birth family. I think I need to mature or grow up...

Here's a thought

 dear birth family I really love you and treasure you and I would like to get to know you. But unfortunately I think I'm too young right now, I need to mature. I'll get back to you when I feel ready probably in about 10 years time. 


To sum this entry up I'll end by saying that I think I'm far too young to get married; settle down. I'm too young to be a mother: I think I'm even too young for love. Basically I might only be old enough to graduate from university. But that's at least something, funny thing is that I actually is getting more and more stressed since people in my own age or even younger already might have settled down and maybe given birth not once but twice or more... Maybe I'm old although I feel way to immature for my own good...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Greif Again

Greif Again

I think I greif again unconciously mostly, and it doesn't feel completely 100 % allright to do so. But I can't stop it, I still do. I greif for the fact that I never will be a real sister or daughter in my birth family, I greif for the fact I never will get to know my real birthdate, I greif because being in reunion with them still reminds me of my adoption. I greif because my adoption erased a language I otherwise would have learned as my mother tongue, now because of adoption my native language isn't the same as my birth family's. It's very different which means I have to learn Korean language in order to communicate with them. I greif for that. I greif for all the things my birth parents lost with me, my first birthday, first step, first tooth, first laugh, first word basically everything included in a child's life. They missed out on all of that, I wish I could return all of those things to them but I can't. Therefore I greif.

Being 25 means that some of my friends already have begun walking down a different path in life; some even younger than I are married since long and already parents. Most of the times it seems like they have married their High School  sweetheart. I guess it can be nice to have someone that loves you and supports you, but I wonder if you really can be certain that young love is eternal ? And by the way I'm not desperately looking for a man, I'm just not their yet... Whatever you may think of me I know that it couldn't be fare besides love is just a fake... it doesn't matter what they say... and don't try to prove me wrong ... just saying.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
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Those Days

Mute Mood

In My Heart

Norebang

Have you ever been to a Norebang ? If you want to sing karaoke then you should visit a Norebang , once there you get a room with a TV and a karaoke machine. You may also get snacks and beer... If you are shy or prudish you may not enjoy it.. because people may ask you too sing....

They usually don't have only Korean songs but foreign song as well, but you can be pretty sure they have ABBA !!! 

Then parhaps you would enjoy going to a DVDbang, instead... A DVDbang is like a Norebang only difference is that you watch DVDs and you can't be more than three or four people.... 

Once not that long ago there was some people that suggested that I'd join them to go to a DVDbang. The only is that they were to guys and I didn't feel like I could trust them enough... Being a young lonely girl with two boys, doesn't ring that well in my ears. Secondly, apparently people take their boyfriends and girlfriends there too make out... Then there's also PCbang, a place where you can use Internet...

Common I'm only 25, and why would I suddenly start searching for a boyfriend when the purpose of my trip was to spend more time with my birth family ... !? 

And why is that men or especially young men seems to only be interested in one thing ? I thought Koreans were supposed to be really conservative and don't support or practice premarital sex...  It's allright if they are I'm not going to stop them, that's for sure. But don't expect me to get along, I'm not that kind of girl no matter what you think...

See but not touch, it should be allright for me to dress the way I want; in clothes that I feel comfortable in. Or am I wrong here? You may already know of Norebang, maybe you visited a DVDbang or heard about a PCbang before... Then you already know, and probaly know what you prefer....

Are you good at singing or can you sing ? Do you know any Korean song? Do you have a favorite Korean song? 

Please note that I don't own the rights to any of the videos

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle 

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Guesstimations

I should feel satisfied and contempt by now, but I don't. For many different reasons.
Turns out my birthdate only is presumed, the birthday that I celebrated for 25 years might not be my actual birthdate... Even if it turns out to be incorrect I guess I never would know, because not even my own birth parents knows that. I tried to ask them many times, but for various reasons they can't answer me.

I have been reunited with my birth family.
But as suspected my birthdate might not be my real one...

Even if I wanted to correct that, I guess I'll never know my true birthday.
Maybe that's all for the best because I think it's next to impossible to change your birthdate...

내가 언제 당신처럼 느껴질 것입니다? 내가 당신 같은 것인가? 당신은 내게 당신은 모든 다른 아이를 사랑 같은 방법으로 사랑하나요? 내게 내가 알고 싶은 진실을 얘기하자면, 난 알고 싶어요. 당신은하고 싶지 않다면 그것은 내가 울지 않겠다고 약속 거짓말을 말해 괜찮을거야. 내 형제 자매에 비해 내게 똑같은 기대합니까? 당신은 정말 나를 위해 무엇을 하시겠습니까? 어떻게 내가 내 인생을살고 싶을까요? 어떻게 당신 가족의 일부가 될 수있는가? 그것은내가 할 필요가 무엇입니까? 당신은 정말 내가 그렇게 인식한다는나에게 나 진짜가 아니라, 저를 사랑 해요 ... 당신은 내가 스웨덴에거주 또는 당신이 나를 당신에게 가까이 살고 싶은 계속하시겠습니까? 가장 중요한 것은 무엇보다 우리는 항상 낯선 느낌 것인가?

Will I ever feel like you ? Will I ever be like one of you ? Do you love me the same way you love all your other children ? Tell me the truth I want to know, I need to know. If you don't want to it's allright to tell a lie I promise I won't cry. Do you expect the same thing from me compared to my siblings ? What do you really want for me ? How do you want me to live my life ? How can I become a part of your family ? What is it that I need to do? Do you really love me for me , the real me not just the me that you percieve that I am... Do you want me to continue living in Sweden or would you like me to live closer to you ? Most importantly than anything else will we always feel like strangers ?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Mute Mood

For me living as an adoptee that's been through reunion means that to me my life is put in mute mood, you know when you push the stop button on your TV or music player. Like it's a part of my life but not really my life.

Until I have found the answers I've so far been unable to find I will continue living my life on 50% instead of 100%... But maybe that's not fare to me or anybody else.. !? But then what should I do, it feels like I have no choice if I want to continue on living. I didn't choose to be adopted, raised in another country so very different from Korea. But yes, I choose to go out looking for my birth family and now that I found them it feels like I can't live my life the way I would like to live it.

I have to make up for so many things, 25 years time has been taken from us all and that's a lot to repay. Maybe I'll spend the rest of my life repaying the debt...


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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You Can't Fool Me

I have a hard time trusting people, believing in compliments is also not something I generally do, if someone anyone says that I'm pretty , handsome, cute or beautiful I will not believe them. Because here in Sweden nobody has never said that to me so how can I trust someone who might say that to me !?

What makes a person beautiful ? What makes one person more beautiful than others? Is it purely looks and genes or is something else... Can an average looking person with a good heart and nice  attitude be translate into good looks.. !?

I don't like body contact, especially not from strangers even friends. Hugs is really annoying to me, they make me feel uncomfortable for some reason. Just like an innocent stroke on the back, would be recieved by me.

Yeah, right like that would happen !? Of course not, I'll always be the ugly akward girl (sorry, woman) no matter what. This means I won't have to decide between keeping my cat or giving him up, which is good because I love my cat very, very much. Too much I think, but I don't care, not right now. He's the only one I can rely on and yes he is just a cat.

I havn't called my grandma once I used to call her at least once a week sometimes several times a week. But it feels like I really messed things up with basically everyone; my birth family and my adoptive family and maybe other peoplle too. But fact is I'm not an easy partygirl, I rarely party but even so I managed to rebel like rebelious teenager towards my older sisters. Not good. I stayed out until 3 AM and didn't go home even though my sister called me. The thing is my phone was switched off at the time and I didn't think of calling home to say I be late, I didn't want to barrow someone else's phone and have them being charged for my phone call...

Now I'm not sure where I stand with my birth family, I think the only one I didn't manage to step on the toes was my brother. But I havn't spoken to him since that first akward phone call...

©Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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E.T Phone Home

One Of Those Days

I have never considered myself to be beautiful or even cute. If someone says I am, I will most likely not believe !!! Honestly. I have heard the most hurtful comments and name calling.

I've even been called a negro and told to go back home from where I came from. So no I can't say that I'm beautiful , handsome, cute or sweet because so far few people have managed to convince me that I am. To many people have said nast thing so I've almost started to believe it.

We can't exchange pictures with anybody else then her because the pictures are so ugly but she's just as ugly...

I don't believe I'll ever marry someone , or no I don't want to marry someone getting that close and dependent of someone seems scary especially if you're only used to people leaving you or people that want you to believe they are your friend when they actually are really mean to you...

I think I easilly could became a nun if it hadn't been for the God thing because celibacy is a no brainer to me . And I don't have to marry just to give my birth parents some grandchildren because they already have six of them and may get more very soon... or when one of them marries. My Swedish parents have another child besides me, I'll leave the family planning part to him. I'm happy as long as I have my Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde cat. I think cat's will be my future, I'll go on living on lonely mountain top only surrounded by wild nature and animals. I like animals because they never betray you like humans can do, I prefer cats over dogs even I'll get like 1000 scars and bites from them. I'm sorry but dogs smell a lot and very often .

I know I should be grateful that I managed to go on a second reunion after maintaning my Online reunion for 9 years. And yes I am, but I realize that it may be hard for most adoptees to locate their birth families but the hard part isn't over then. It's only the beginning because know you have to decide on the next step, if you should the relationship further or leave it as it is. Starting to learn Korean can be very useful and maybe even neccessary once you've found your birth family because not knowing the language makes you lose out on a lot . It can be managable yes, but it would still be much easier if you could speak the same language because then a lot of misunderstandings could be avioded. But don't expect too much though, being raised in a different culture have most likely expossed you to other values different than Korean ones. There's potential for a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts just there.

Uncountiously I ask myself how much you can expect your birth family to forgive, is it really worth possibly hurting them by not doing things their way ... Will they still love you the next day and in the future... To be honest I'm constantly aware of that and based on self experience it seems they are able to forgive quite a lot because you're family afterall.

I thought this second trip would provide much needed answers to unasked questions but it didn't instead I got a reality check which made me aware of how different we are compared to each other it made me realize that yes I've found my birth family but I still don't know them. Not as well as you would have had you been raised in the same family. I confess that I'm jelaous of many things they had things I never had a chance to experience although it probaly sounds really strange. I thought this trip would make me complete fill the emptiness within my heart and soul but it hasn't so I probably have to look elsewhere for those answers. And until I find them I don't think it's wise to think about involving someone else in your life and potential future.

I guess I'm blind to pick up comments and compliments, because so far I've never noticed anyone that could be even the slightest interested in me. That's fine and healthy. But then again how much life experience could I possibly have accumulated over my short life... I think I' still pretty naïve in certain areas of life but then again I'm not even dry behind my ears yet (Swedish expression).

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Repeating Destiny

Korea In My Heart

It's tricky sometimes to be adopted, especially if you start developing feelings that you are certain will hurt your own parents... And just for the record I'm talking about my second set of parents (my adoptive parents). I know I probably shouldn't feel the way I do because I sort of ended things with my siblings in a bad way, but even so I still feel a much stronger connection to Korea now compared to what I did last year.

Fact is I not only want to go back, I want to start a life there.. I felt weird because of all of these strange feelings I also thought my dad especially would try to stop me from persuing my plans but it turns out that he will support me if it really is what I want. And it is I'm certain now, convinced even. Of course since I was raised in Sweden they would feel better if I decided to settle down a couple of hours from them or at least in Sweden. But I think that's not likely to happen...

I'm not sure if I'd like to live in Korea until I die but I know I want to live there for at least a couple of years. Not just like a tourist or student. But for real, permanently.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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My Confession

Keith Pratt

Repeating Destiny Or Taking Charge

I used to complain daily about not being able to eat food without gaining weight, but it seems that I managed to lose a lot of weight while in Korea despite eating a lot of carbs. I think I lost between 22 and 11 pounds in just six weeks. And I didn't notice it myself even though my clothes were getting bigger, I actually thought they feel of because I had gained weight...

I have made a deal with myself not to get married before 25 years has passed, by then !'m 50 which seems like a nice age to settle down. I'm scared to fall inlove because you become dependent of one person, lose your independence and things. And most importantly you open yourself up to rejection and hurt I don't want that in my life. I'm not ready for it, not yet. It's better to try to keep your distance so that people can't get close to you that way you don't risk getting hurt but may end up alone.

I dress like a Westerner in very modern clothes which isn't really socially accepted in Korea, because they show to much flesh and usually are way to short. But just because I dress a certain way doesn't mean that I'm an easy girl or young woman whatever you prefer.

One of my biggest fears is to end up in an unplanned pregnancy and right now that would be a big crisis. Because I don't have a job or college degree yet and getting married just because you might be pregnant doesn't seem like a good idea. I don't want to repeat my mother's destiny by having to put up my own baby for adoption or having to go through an abortion. So I will not put myself in situations that might lead to that , I rather wait until I know for sure if I'll be getting married...

Like that ever would happen... Like someone really would be interested in me, in that way. Yes, that way the mature grownup scary way. Not likely to happen, not in a million years.

I might be able to go back to Korea sooner than I thought, there's still a few things left to sort out though. And no, I havn't told any of birth family members that I made it back to Sweden safe and sound...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Guess What

Part's Over

E.T Phone Home

I've been back in Sweden for a couple of days now, and the things I thought I'd miss I've somehow learned to leave without. And I found myself feeling more lost then ever, I don't know why exactly. I honestly believed that this second reunion would be able to offer the answers that I didn't get last time but boy was I wrong !

Going to Korea alone is a completely different thing then going there with your adoptive parents... So yes I conclude that I this time didn't recieve the same treatment or welcoming that I got last time , far from it in fact. But still there's things I feel I need to do which means I must find a way to get back there very soon.

To be totally honest I don't feel the same way about Sweden anymore, strange right !? Sweden will always be my home, nothing can change that but during my last Korea trip I learned to appreciate a lot of things, learned to live life the Korean way. And that is what I miss. And I realize that this entry might be percieved as negative and a bit nagging but so be it then...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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My Confession

Beginning Of Day

Guess The Party's Over

I've been back in Sweden for a few days now, and everyone seems curious asks questions and want to know what it was like. At least they seem interested in knowing about  it, but I wonder if they really would be ready for the truth and what it really was like... I don't think they would ever understand, because for one thing you can't possibly understand what it feels like to be back in your birth country unless you're adopted or know an adoptee really, really well...

Naturally my Swedish parents wants to know about my trip, but I don't want them to know because I don't think they truely would understand. I can't explain it myself but getting back to reality in Sweden, is really challenging and I almost feel miserable and very close to tears. And well, mum isn't really helping as usual she's more concerned about  appearance and what people would think of her.

The whole family had planned a nice evening out; eating dinner at nice restaurant and then seeing a comedy preformance. That idea seemed more appealing prior to my trip, now it just felt like a burden to be honest. Mum even said it would be the last time that they ever would include me in the same situations in the future, funny thing is that it doesn't bother me at all.

Fine then, punish me if that would make you feel better, I don't care. Do whatever you feel more comfortable with, don't bother about me. I'm an unimportant person, a person that's been around in your life for the last 25 years. But that's not important, I suppose because I never was your daughter to begin with. You just adopted me because you couldn't have children of your own, now I am an adult so maybe our tie is broken now. You don't need to woory about me any longer. You don't care about me any longer, you don't care about me now since I want to do things my way instead of what I used to do. I used to be like you and now I'm no longer like you. Though , right !?

I'm just a little bit annoyed about the fact that mum still seems to be very inmature, making ultimatums as a kind of punsihment to me, just as if I still were a child. But I'm 25 years old not 15. ... If only my parents could realize exactly how difficult, challenging yet rewording and comforting it felt to be in Korea again. I fear the gap between us has increased, I've already crossed over to the other side. I might be able to make dad understand how it felt and how it changed me, because dad is more stabile compared to mum. Mum only seems to like me when I do as she expects and wants.

I feel more alone then ever, my friends the few I have didn't understand my deep desire to visit Korea in the first place because they are not adopted or not from Korea. It feels like I have nobody to turn to, my head feels so heavy from all of my thoughts and questions but there's no where I can turn. It also felt as if I was able to be myself for the first time ever in my very young life. Sadly it doesn't feel like I can be myself around my family even, they expect to much and demand more of me. Things I often fail to deliever to them.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Second Summary

First Day

My Confession

Yes I Did

I had a really great time my last week in KOROOT and it was pretty eventful, a lot of things happened. I did a lot of crazy things, things I normally shouldn't have done if I was in Sweden.

• Went on my second reunion trip in August on my own, without support network
• Got to see what Swedish businessmen do on their "businesstrips" they drink a lot and then though up (in the plane)
• I almost missed the flight from Beijing to Seoul
• Deleyed same flight over one hour
• Couldn't find appa at the Incheon airport
• I tried a lot different Soju drinks
• I was almost hit by a car , happened several times
• I used the men's restroom by mistake in restaurant
• I went into a Norebang (Kareokeebar)
• I got bitten by many mosquitos (very, very many) and developed allergy for it
• I did cross a street when it was a red light
• Hit my head on the DMZ busstour
• Was (almost) left behind in JSA on a toalet break
• Yelled at by my older onnis
• Molested in the Seoul subway (more than once)
• Made some new friends
• Had to change my wardrobe, bought more conserative clothes , donated same clothes
• Got lost in Seoul city several times
• Saw some Korean shows on TV and many American shows and movies
• Climbed Mt Bukhasan for 6 hours in inappropriate attire with a purse , starting time became over 7 hours
• Got lost at Bukhasan and visited the Police station in the mountain
• Made Chuseok food with my family
• Got to visit my older onnis relative in hospital
• Got to see my sister's office which was a store
• Went to N Seoul Tower
• Visited Gyeungbokgung Palace and had free lunch there everyday
• Actually I went to Koroot for the free lunch, Gyeungbukgung Palace was just really close so my sisters believed I went there every day
• Lived with Omma and Appa for four days in Cheonan, watched TV, slept and ate a lot ( I wasn't allowed to go outside even for fresh air)
• Made a Cyworld Account so now my sisters can contact me easier
• Got to talk with Hyun on phone , he never visited because he studies at university in Busan
• Had a coffe break at Hello Kitty coffee shop, the Swedish coffee shop FIKA and the cat caffee
• Tried every ice cream flavour at Baskin Robbins
• Was influenced to join a Christian cult several times
• Was mistaken for Japanese woman in Korea
• The flight attendants spoke Chinese and Japanese to me
• Learned to speak some basic Korean phrases with some strange accent
• Had pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner because they usually eat leftovers
• Took someone else takeout order at McDonalds , by mistake
• Sometimes I didn't sleep at all , instead stayed up all day
• Went to the airport really early before the Check In counters even opened
• Told a taxi driver that ABBA is from Sweden
• Was only given Japanese commericals and flyers
• Had someone literarilly feed while at a restaurant
• Got really drunk once on Soju and beer
• Managed to survive an entire month staying at my siblings
• Got to spoil my siblings and nieces and nephews with gifts, ice cream and food  
• I wasn't shoot down, deported or sentenced to jail when going to the airport
• Spent the last week hanging out with some Swedish adoptees
• Meet many Swedish adoptees and ordinary Swedes in Seoul
• Went to a Bibap and Cookin Nanta show
• Made a really good bargain at Namdaemung Market
• Bought a lot of gifts and souvernirs for friends and family
• Visited my adoption agency to look at my file

If I by any chance left something out feel free to leave a comment or email me....

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


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Trip Summary


My Confession

Guess What

As some or maybe a lot of you may have noticed I'm no longer staying at Koroot, a part of me still whish that I where though. I'm really sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye to everyone, I just left without a word to anyone in the middle of the night. Just like I had done something bad I suppose...

My mogi allergi is still not gone, which really annoys me. It might even have gotten worse, because my thrat is really swollen and it's kind of hard to breath (and swallow). A good thing though is that I'm no longer going to get more mogi bites or be the entertainment of the week or whatever... As a prof of how bad my allergy seems to be I can say that I am writing this post at 20 past 4 in the morning...

Oh, yeah here I do have one weird admirer who likes to follow me around and sometimes he bites me too. It's not a person by the way it's a four legged animal. Even if he bites me I still love him with all my heart, probably more than what should be considered healthy.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Everlasting Flower Keith Pratt

Everlasting Flower, Keith Pratt.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Good Sayings

기억은 잊어도 심장은 기억한다 - though memories are gone, the heart remembers
머리는 지운 것을 심장이 기억한다 - the heart remembers what the head erased.
가슴이 잊은 것을 심장이 기억한다 - the heart remembers what chest forgets.
The soldier who fights to death never dies, but the soldier who fights for existence never truly exists.
“Do not weep, do not notify my men of my death. Beat the drum, blow the trumpet, wave the flag for advance. We are still fighting; finish the enemy to the last one.”

Admiral Yu Sun Shin


Become a champion in life, by conquering the enemy within. Master Jin Kwon (Material Arts Master)
To know that you know , and to know that you don't know that is real wisdom - Confucius.
A single conversation across the table with a wise person is worth a month's study of books - Chinese proverb.
He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes, he never aks a question is a fool forever - Chinese proverb.
Deep doubts,deep wisdom, small doubts little wisdom - Chinese proverbs.
Beauty is the wisdom of women. Wisdom is the beauty of men - Chinese proverb.

An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind - Mahatma Ghandi.
Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy - Ludwig Bethoveen.
Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain - Robert E Lee.
It is charcteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things - Henry David Thoreau.
Wise men learns more from fools than fools from the wise - Cato Elder.
The wisest of the wise may err - Aeschylus.
To be wise and love exceeds man's might - William Shakespeare.

©Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Cogito Ergo Sum

My Confession

Internet can be a nice and handy tool as well as something of a curse, you can reach all over the world as long as you have Internet connection. I decided to enter the blogosphere several years ago for various reasons I do prefer to blog in English not in Swedish although Swedish is my native tongue.

There's a very little chance that my birth family would stumble upon this blog in the first place but it is a possiblity. But so far I havn't disclosed any delicate information that would make it possible to identify them (there's 73 million people on the peninsula and 50 million people in South Korea alone and out of those 250500 people live in Seoul) so it's a big nation with a big capital city.

But the fact is that I've never told my birth family that I blog (that this particular blog is mine) and they certainly don't know what I write or blog about. That's a slight concern for me and this is also partially why I don't have pictures of people in this blog.

I feel a million of emotions right now, I want to go back home and see my family, I need to go back home. However I still feel like I havn't seen all there is to see in Seoul not to mention Korea...

I have seen a Bibamp show and Cookin' Nanta Show they were really good. I have not seen my Omma or Appa since leaving Cheonan and I still havn't seen my Onnis since moving out and in to KOROOT.

If you hear someone constantly saying aigo!!, then it's probably me I learned a few Korean expressions while staying at my siblings place. I thought aigo was a really useful expression, and it is but it turns out that only older generations uses that expression so me saying it (since I'm only 25) is very funny to most Koreans. Only older generation and people not originally from Seoul uses aigo.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Cogito Ergo Sum

Cogito Ergo Sum - I think therefore I exists.

Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum  - I question, because I think thereby I exist.

Before coming to Korea I knew didn't know anybody (except for my birth family) now several days later I have befriended several other KADS from all over the world. But somehow I still feel lonely, I can't shake that feeling of. I know I'm complaining now, I probably shouldn't because I found my birth family, but I still can't change my feelings...

I feel inpatient, like I'm just waiting for days to go by, I have so much thing to do in Sweden... Yet I also feel annoyed, irritated and a bit angry. All because a certain person decided we knew each other well enough to stroke my back. It really annoys me, it annoys me even more that I seem to make such a big deal of it. I realise that I have issues with the opposite sex probably relating to my adoption story. You know, being relinquised because you were the wrong sex, not because you weren't loved. (But maybe it's the same thing) and yes I know my story is more complicated than that, but still fact is that I have a younger brother that was born after me. I don't resent him, I really don't it's complicated. But somehow it feels like all people do is to live me, desert me or betray me, it really makes me less prone to trust men. Honestly. I wonder if it ever will be easier to trust a guy, probably not.

Funny thing is that my relationship with my adoptive dad has remained pretty much the same, in comparison with that of my birth dad and younger brother. My dad never betrayed me, he in a way rescued me or helped me when no other man seemed willing to. I realize that now. I've learned at least that much from this trip, I only wonder now if I will be able to cope with all this... Let's just say my weekened has been pretty quiet and uneventful, but also a bit stressful.

母は私が今まで結婚することができます
엄마 난 절대 결혼할 수있을 것입니다

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Faith,Love & Honour

Faith.
As long as I believe , I'll be ok. I want to believe it will be possible to see my siblings next time I go to Korea...

Love.
No matter what anyone says I will always love my birthfamily. I love everyone of them, but trying to overcome 20 years of separation might be impossible... But I don't pity my birth family, why should I just because their life is different from mine!? But sometimes I feel guilty, another feeling that I think is linked to adoption. I love my birth family, all nine of them, believe it or not.

Honour.
It might be too much too ask of them, I can't ignore my 20 years of life (I will not forget).
If I forget it, it will mean I somehow wipe out myself, because if it hadn't been for my adoption I wouldn't be me (the person I've become), I wouldn't say I would have died if it wasn't for adoption because that's just speculations... I would agree and accept that if it hadn't been for adoption I wouldn't be able to live such an affluent life in Europe and Sweden. 

Dad thinks I should have to say goodbye again before I leave or else the 10 years invested will have been for nothing. And what for ? Why did I have to prolong my stay, to do what !? Visit two silly coffeshops.

I'm not sure how it could be that I ended up becoming a daughter in the family I did, I might have been adopted by another Swedish couple ... I could have been raised in the US, or maybe lived nextdoor in Denmark, or maybe even Paris (as in France) or the Netherlands and walked around in cloggs all day...

(I'm not religious so I will not give credit to the Lord, God or Jesus for how my life became this way.) By the way now I have a Cyworld account not Facebook.

Now for a few differences between Sweden and Korea; in Sweden it's illegal to hit a child (even for teachers or parents), we don't have mandatory military service anymore , they might even downsize it further... Teachers are even afriad to touch their students, and male teachers have it even worse.... We give or old people a place in a nursing home, we do not care for them at home. We have free health care and education, a lot of things is covered by the state. But yeah, maybe our taxes are a bit high... 20 % of our taxes goes to the church, which means we have the right to hold a funeral as well as be buried in the cemetary.

Yesterday I was only able to find the cat cafe in Sincheon, I never made it to Hello Kitty Cafe I went to both Sincheon and Hongik University but without good result... Now I should be able to find it so I'll probably try one more time to go there...

©Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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The Beginning Of The First Day

It looks like everything will work out sort of, it still feels weird with my older siblings though. I'm not sure I should want to see them again, but somehow I think I most but ever since they screamed at me I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable and maybe even afraid of them...

Facing anger from three older Onnis isn't funny let me tell you. And no, I have no memories of the country of my birth... how could I at age 100 days... How can I avoid hurting (other adopted) people when I have to talk about or mention my birth family in one way or another.

Yesterday I went to the Swedish Contemporary Art Exibition and they served really nice food too. We didn't have to pay, it might have been a gathering for VIPs since it was the first day of the exihibition and the press was there taking lots of pictures...

How can I make this person understand how I feel ... I don't trust men (unconciously) I almost (some days) dislike boys. But I can be nice too them sort of like to close friends, but then I push them away... The last thing I need right now is a boyfriend.. I have to many issues to solve, I'm not mature enough or yeah allright, I confess : I don't like that person in that way or as much as he seems to like me...

I hate when people tough me, can' explain why I just do a pet on the back or a stroke... be careful I tell you...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Can't Wash Away The Name

I think I really messed up big time, and I now find myself felling uncomfortable around my sisters. All I wanted was a chance to express my true feelings. I guess they really must hate me now and no chance of ever getting back to see them...

I guess I still can go back to Korea to visit the country of my birth, but the family gatherings is all over from now on. I feel so ashamed because I insisted on delaying my departure date to Sweden and I already knew my familys plans starting from my supposed departure and return date.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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Never Judge A Book By Its Cover

I'm still in Seoul and a few days ago I experienced my first major argument with three of my sisters.
What happened was that I meet some Swedes at KOROOT and decided to spend the day with them, it felt so comforting to speak my native language again. And they seem to be really nice people... It was just the perfect ending on what previously had been really stressful days.

I ended up staying out with them until the next morning, when it was 12PM at night my sister made an hysterical phone call and ordered me to get back home right away. But somehow I didn't I ended up staying out several hours after my curfew. I came home in the morning, after having decided it would be better to go home then to stay out until the next evening.

In the morning we had the big argument, my sisters seemed to be really hurt and upset even though I didn't understand I could tell they were. I thought they would kick me out on the street so I suggested I'd go to a youth hostel but my siblings didn't like that idea saying it was dangerous. So eventually they gave me a choice: to stay or go to a youth hostel.

But now I have a curfew and I guess I can't go out drinking (or stay out that late again)... Maybe I'll have to move out and in to KOROOT but this was totally not how imagined or wanted to end my second trip. Saying goodbye with an argument doesn't seem that intelligent to be honest and I wanted them to only have found memories of me...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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On Swedish Soil Soon

No, I'm still not back  in Sweden but  here's a list of what I should be doing or already have started;

• started looking for work going on interviews
• should have started my Korean language course in Sweden (the same time I went to Korea)

I also realised that there's many adoptees or KADs that returns to Korea for the same reason as I did, some even decide to study the Korean language while there. And well, I guess I'll miss the KAD community somewhat because none of my friends can understand my reason for going to Korea in the first place let alone how I define and think about my birth family. I'll return to blogging about what ever's going on inside my head in less time than you know...

There are a few places that I wanted to see that I got to see, and others that I went to more than once but also places I discovered while there. Places I might never have found... Next time I'll sign up early for Cheong Wa Dae, you have to sign up 10 days in adavance in order to get inside. Also bring your passport and ID, on the actual day. I'll try to visit Jeju and the Korean Folk Village but I'm pretty sure there's still many places in Korea that I have yet to discover...

I'll promise I will tell you when I'm going back for a third time, whenever that will be... I'm not only convinced but also determined that I'll return at least once more, possibly several more times. I have many reasons to want to visit again; my birth family is still growing, my siblings are starting their own families and having children themselves.

I have not reached that stage yet in my life, I'd like to graduate or at least have a permanent work and most importantly a partner I trust before even considering trying to start my own family... I also have yet to decide weither I prefer a Western boyfriend or a Korean boyfriend or maybe someone from another ethnicity... I say all this because I for one isn't sure and that may be because I still have to meet that special someone...

If I want to make my birth family proud then I guess it would be best to search for a Korean boy, but then again I can't accept to just get married to someone just because my birth parents tells me too. If the reason for my marriage would be to give them grandchildren, then I know for a fact that I can relax because my parents have 6 grandchildren and have been grandparents for more then 10 years now...

Once at KOROOT someone asked me what I liked most about my second trip, and I'm afriad I told a white lie because I didn't want to hurt anybody there with my real answer. I think my real answer is pretty obvious and I think the person that asked this knew it was a white lie...

No, I'm still in Korea and Seoul so please don't contact my through phone thank you very much (unless you now I'd like to here from you) or if you're in Korea too then you free to contact me.

© Taste Of Kimchi, Elle

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Summary Of Second Trip

Ok, so the first few days became a bit of a dissapointment because I was literarily stuck inside my parents home (which isn't located in Seoul but about a couple hours outside). Those few days became the most difficult because I wasn't able to understand much of what Omma or Appa said. So there were a lot of misunderstandings on my part, getting more food while you believed you didn't ask for it but it turned out you did...

Leaving food out in the air for hours because you didn't know when neither of your parents would be back, never turning the light out always keeping it on because you don't know when your parents would be back... Not getting your laundry washed because of the same thing as above, not knowing if you're allowed to take a shower or when to go to bed...

I spent approximately four or five days overeating while at my parents watching Korean TV for hours without understanding much. Although it turns out that two of the shows I begun wathing back home still airs here. But of course it's not subtitled but I still understand maybe 50 % or 60 % of it.  The rest of the time I sleept because there was nothing else to do. My parents somehow didn't want me to step outside the house...

Could be because I easilly might get lost or maybe they didn't want me to be out in public because they somehow were ashamed of me for some reason....

On the fourth day one of my Onnis came and I was allowed to go not only outside but all the way back to Seoul (where my sisters lived. Turned out they only planned for me to stay there for a couple of days and then return to my parents place, but I totally objected to that idea because I was so miserable there to be frank. So eventually my sisters agreed and insisted on having me staying with them alternating between two of their places.

Most of time my sisters were woorking not so much as my parents but still. So during the day I've been pretty much on my own, getting used to the subway system, been visiting the big tourist places in Seoul , done some shopping (almost daily) , being mistaken for a Japanese tourist on several occassions, seen a friend of mine who lives here, had lunch with my siblings on a few weekends.

Here and seeing foreigners I get so happy to here my native language Swedish being spoken here, a part of me have wanted to introduce myself to them but I so far havn't dared. Because i fear that if I confess that I'm a Swedish adoptee it might make these people feel uncomfortable so yes , I'm a coward too. Add that to the list.

Oh, yeah, now it turns out I might have to return for a particular time of the year, since I came up with the brilliant idea to buy one of older Onnis a birthday cake and a birthday gift since her birthday was one day before I came to Korea. That might not have been so very intelligent since I have more than four older Onnis which means I might have to buy cakes and birthday gifts for all of them. Luckily three of my Onnis all celebrate their birthdays in the same month. So I might have to plan my third trip here to match that time in...
I just hope my other Onnis aren't jelaous or disappointed about that sudden and unexpected surprise.

I just felt like I wanted to celebrate my older Onnis birthday (even if it already has been) and since I've missed almost 50 birthdays I wanted to get her a really nice gift. Although I knew it's bad to give a gift that's more expensive than what the person could afford in return...

But I wanted my siblings to truely understand how committed I am, and also have a lasting memory of me and to get a gift which I bough while in Korea. I actually gave all my sister a gift each, my oldest sister just had her birthday so her gift was a little bit nicer... I hope my other sister isn't offended by that.. I wanted to somehow try to compensate her for all the years we spent apart, and also for the fact that we didn't get to meet last year.

People are and have been very curious about exactly how I was able to communicate with my birth family, while still not being fluent.. The truth is that it was pretty easy, my siblings spoke Korean and then if I didn't understand they'll try to find the English word. I on the other hand spoke mostly English and occassionally Korean... It was somewhat easy to figure out what they meant, because they always said something after having done something or before doing something.

I'm a little disappointed about the fact that I didn't get to take as many pictures of my birth family this time, the truth is that they were working from 8 - 10 6 days a week... Even if I had pictures of my birth family I would never publish any of them in this blog (because they never asked for it for one, secondly it would be selfish and so much more) weither or not you have pictures of your birth families in your blogs are up to you, but I just want to clarify things for readers that might have forgotten and for new readers to know my standpoint.

And by the way the trip is still ongoing so I may have to finish this entry later...

© Taste Of Kimchi, Elle


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What Now

Familiar Faces

I'm not back in Sweden now, around familiar faces... But  I miss my routines, my cat, mum and dad and my brother. Also my friends, but now I'm back in reality continuing the search for a full time work and in a couple of days I'll attempt to jump into a Korean course on university level while still searching for work.

I've been oblivious about what's been happening in the rest of the world so I don't know what's been going on in the US, Europe or for that matter Sweden. One month might not feel that long but it is a long time.

Oh, and yes I have also returned home to find a really high cell phone bill like then times what I normally pay for one month. Just because I used my Swedish cellphone in Korea which might not have been such a good idea afterall. But it was still better than using my parents phone or my siblings phone, because they're not that well off in comparison. Next time I'm getting a prepayed phone or an international calling card or maybe both. It depends.

Last night I had a big meltdown, literarilly speaking, I started crying like a small child and I just couldn't stop... I can't explain why I cried either, I just felt so alone, suddenly I imagined that I never would get to see my family in Sweden. I miss them a lot, especially my dad and my cat but also my mother and brother....

And I have no one else to blame but me, because I wanted to delay my departure back to Sweden everything fells like a big mess now.

© Taste Of Kimchi, Elle

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Back Home

안녕히계세요

안녕, 작별 나중에 보자. 난 돌아올거야 약속 ... 우리는 당신이 다른 25 년 동안 기다릴 수 있도록 않을거야 연락 할께요. 감사합니다. 어머니 널 사랑해, 아버지 널 사랑해. 저를 기억하십시오. 파이팅!

© Taste Of Kimchi, Elle


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나는 스웨덴어입니다

What Now

I'm still in Korea going back home in a couple of days, I'm confident I'll be going back to Korea in 2 years time at the most. If I'll see my birth family then remains to be seen...

In that many years a lot could happen , things that could prevent me from going back for a third time. Marriage and pregnancy seems to be the only things that could keep me from going back. That's seems to only be hypothetical. But whoever ends up with me has to respect the importance of my birth family and if given choice I'll much rather go to Korea any time then of to some sunny place on some expensive charter holiday. Hey, man I'm only 25 and still a naïve girl in many ways, I still have much to learn about life and myself and basically every aspect of life.

I know I'll be back here some day, I need to come again because I seem to have so many unfinished things left to do for and with not only my siblings but also birth parents. I might not be back tomorrow, or by next year but I want to be able to come back. Some day, I might even take my family here... that's how important my  birth family is to me and not neccesserilly Korea. Of course Korea is important too, because I was born here, it would have been the place where I grew up and it would have been it's language that I would have learned.. All that was not to be for me, I have to go after that myself several years later.

Ultimately my goal is to be able to speak Korean fluently without assisstance from a translator/interpretor or encyclopeadia. I want to be able to hold a phone conversation with them some day...

© Taste Of Kimchi, Elle

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Why Now