I have never considered myself to be beautiful or even cute. If someone says I am, I will most likely not believe !!! Honestly. I have heard the most hurtful comments and name calling.
I've even been called a negro and told to go back home from where I came from. So no I can't say that I'm beautiful , handsome, cute or sweet because so far few people have managed to convince me that I am. To many people have said nast thing so I've almost started to believe it.
We can't exchange pictures with anybody else then her because the pictures are so ugly but she's just as ugly...
I don't believe I'll ever marry someone , or no I don't want to marry someone getting that close and dependent of someone seems scary especially if you're only used to people leaving you or people that want you to believe they are your friend when they actually are really mean to you...
I think I easilly could became a nun if it hadn't been for the God thing because celibacy is a no brainer to me . And I don't have to marry just to give my birth parents some grandchildren because they already have six of them and may get more very soon... or when one of them marries. My Swedish parents have another child besides me, I'll leave the family planning part to him. I'm happy as long as I have my Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde cat. I think cat's will be my future, I'll go on living on lonely mountain top only surrounded by wild nature and animals. I like animals because they never betray you like humans can do, I prefer cats over dogs even I'll get like 1000 scars and bites from them. I'm sorry but dogs smell a lot and very often .
I know I should be grateful that I managed to go on a second reunion after maintaning my Online reunion for 9 years. And yes I am, but I realize that it may be hard for most adoptees to locate their birth families but the hard part isn't over then. It's only the beginning because know you have to decide on the next step, if you should the relationship further or leave it as it is. Starting to learn Korean can be very useful and maybe even neccessary once you've found your birth family because not knowing the language makes you lose out on a lot . It can be managable yes, but it would still be much easier if you could speak the same language because then a lot of misunderstandings could be avioded. But don't expect too much though, being raised in a different culture have most likely expossed you to other values different than Korean ones. There's potential for a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts just there.
Uncountiously I ask myself how much you can expect your birth family to forgive, is it really worth possibly hurting them by not doing things their way ... Will they still love you the next day and in the future... To be honest I'm constantly aware of that and based on self experience it seems they are able to forgive quite a lot because you're family afterall.
I thought this second trip would provide much needed answers to unasked questions but it didn't instead I got a reality check which made me aware of how different we are compared to each other it made me realize that yes I've found my birth family but I still don't know them. Not as well as you would have had you been raised in the same family. I confess that I'm jelaous of many things they had things I never had a chance to experience although it probaly sounds really strange. I thought this trip would make me complete fill the emptiness within my heart and soul but it hasn't so I probably have to look elsewhere for those answers. And until I find them I don't think it's wise to think about involving someone else in your life and potential future.
I guess I'm blind to pick up comments and compliments, because so far I've never noticed anyone that could be even the slightest interested in me. That's fine and healthy. But then again how much life experience could I possibly have accumulated over my short life... I think I' still pretty naïve in certain areas of life but then again I'm not even dry behind my ears yet (Swedish expression).
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
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