Pandora's Box

I feel like I ruined everything, by going back to Korea. Honestly I do, but I don't regret going. I would do it all again, in a heartbeat. But I was the one that not only wanted but felt like I needed to search for them 10 years ago. It was my desire and my wish to find them, but maybe I could have been to young...

Not knowing anything about the consequences although I did speculate and imagine every imaginable scenario. Dead or sick parents, divorced parents, not wanting any contact etc. Everything feels much more intense and so messed up to tell the truth. My second reunion trip put everything in perspective although it felt and still fels like its upside down and at the knife's end.

I know I'm nagging, and I know it was my decision to initate the search but I never imagined how it would feel.... That it would feel like this... As if I'm drowning, not being able to breath screaming and cathing water in my lungs and throat...

If there was an emergency break you could use, I would use it right this minute and then get off at the next station... It's really hard to breath, I have a constant cheast pain and a nagging feeling in my chest. It feels like I played a set of Battleship and someone has managed to sink all of my ships, like someone put a bullet through my head or something and I'm trying not only to breath but live like I normally would...

I might not be able to visit my birth family any more in the future, because of what I did and what happened last time. I think I've lost them, I don't know if I ever want to see them again.

My other family, can't seem to understand anything any more, they feel like strangers. They don't feel like a family anymore, they deemand too much out of me. A few days ago I actually considered ending it with my birth family, I know that it probably is selfish and all that. But I was overwhelmed by emotions and disappointment that I naturally had to react in some way. I tore my family pictures that used to hang on my bullentinboard. It's no big deal I still have the originals on a memory stick so I could easilly print them out again if I wanted to.

What's the point of going back to Korea if you're only interested in the country and the language ... !? If I decide to continue establishing some kind of relationship with my birth family, then I probably would have some use of the Korean language. But if I decide to end it, then I guess there's no point of my going back to Korea or studying Korean. Is it even allright to feel this way, I somehow feel guilty for thinking this way...

Being adopted isn't easy, being in reunion with your birth family takes it all to another level. I guess I will not end it, it probably became to intense staying for over a month with my siblings... Afterall we're still strangers to each other even though we're sisters. Maybe we'll never truely feel like real sisters and siblings even though we share the same genes and parents. I'll stick it through, even if it's hard. Learning Korean has been a dream of mine for some years now, why should I suddenly give up on that dream !?

I know it doesn't seem logical to my mum and dad that I seriously consider learning Korean so that I can live there. But in there mind I have officially or informally broken things off with my birth family, (just because I tore some pictures up into pieces...) I still love my birth family and I know they love me too, but I think they need to be left alone because we both seem to have endured some kind of major or constant disappointment. I will contact them eventually, I promise that I will. I just need straight myself out, get my things togheter and try to sort out all of my feelings and reactions.. It may take some time. But plase, please give me the time I need. I'll try to become a person that can make you proud, if you just give me some time to catch my breath.

I've opened Pandora's box and well now it's open and I can't close it no matter how hard I try, I could of course try to through it away... I must be the world's biggest fool so completely utterly naïve , why didn't I realize that reunion would feel so bad, so intense and so hurtful. No, of course I didn't I only wanted my happy ending, I don't regret it I really don't.. How is it even possible to long, dream and desire something that might cause you so much pain and heart ache ... Why didn't I know, couldn't I have guessed... No 'cos I was to blind, only wanted to do what felt right....Can someone please teach me about the snooze button

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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