Guess The Party's Over

I've been back in Sweden for a few days now, and everyone seems curious asks questions and want to know what it was like. At least they seem interested in knowing about  it, but I wonder if they really would be ready for the truth and what it really was like... I don't think they would ever understand, because for one thing you can't possibly understand what it feels like to be back in your birth country unless you're adopted or know an adoptee really, really well...

Naturally my Swedish parents wants to know about my trip, but I don't want them to know because I don't think they truely would understand. I can't explain it myself but getting back to reality in Sweden, is really challenging and I almost feel miserable and very close to tears. And well, mum isn't really helping as usual she's more concerned about  appearance and what people would think of her.

The whole family had planned a nice evening out; eating dinner at nice restaurant and then seeing a comedy preformance. That idea seemed more appealing prior to my trip, now it just felt like a burden to be honest. Mum even said it would be the last time that they ever would include me in the same situations in the future, funny thing is that it doesn't bother me at all.

Fine then, punish me if that would make you feel better, I don't care. Do whatever you feel more comfortable with, don't bother about me. I'm an unimportant person, a person that's been around in your life for the last 25 years. But that's not important, I suppose because I never was your daughter to begin with. You just adopted me because you couldn't have children of your own, now I am an adult so maybe our tie is broken now. You don't need to woory about me any longer. You don't care about me any longer, you don't care about me now since I want to do things my way instead of what I used to do. I used to be like you and now I'm no longer like you. Though , right !?

I'm just a little bit annoyed about the fact that mum still seems to be very inmature, making ultimatums as a kind of punsihment to me, just as if I still were a child. But I'm 25 years old not 15. ... If only my parents could realize exactly how difficult, challenging yet rewording and comforting it felt to be in Korea again. I fear the gap between us has increased, I've already crossed over to the other side. I might be able to make dad understand how it felt and how it changed me, because dad is more stabile compared to mum. Mum only seems to like me when I do as she expects and wants.

I feel more alone then ever, my friends the few I have didn't understand my deep desire to visit Korea in the first place because they are not adopted or not from Korea. It feels like I have nobody to turn to, my head feels so heavy from all of my thoughts and questions but there's no where I can turn. It also felt as if I was able to be myself for the first time ever in my very young life. Sadly it doesn't feel like I can be myself around my family even, they expect to much and demand more of me. Things I often fail to deliever to them.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

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