Life's Crossroad

I now feel more than ever before that I'm at one of my life's many crossroads as you may or may not know I will be going to Korea later this summer in about two months time. My last and first trip ever to Korea was sugarcoated in many ways although it still was pretty difficult...

My entire birth family gave me their 100 % attention as often as they could and usually I'm not that comfortable with beging in the spotlight. They really did their best in creating happy memories and
they were also really nice too me the entire time. I almost felt like an innocent child (in good way this time).

I'm not sure what this second trip will bring, but I suspect my memories from this trip will be less sugarcoated and pink maybe more kimchitasting. So I really do feel this a deal breaker but regardless Korea will always be inside my heart...

I sometimes feel like the pain from my reunion is almost more than I can take. I so desperately want to form some kind of relationship with my birth family yet I know I might be to naive for just trying. Like it's predetermined it will fail...

I so much want my siblings to like me for me and love me for me... Not just because I'm 입양아, 스웨덴 인 or  외국인 .
Sometimnes I think the years that passed are far to many, all the hurdles to big to climb...
I'm foolish because I know I probably will carry on playing out this charade until eternity,
or for the rest of my life.

Does 어머니 love me without feeling pity for me ?
 Does 아버지 feel proud of me without feeling guilty?
I'm not sure, I wish I could give a straightforward answer: 네.

Is it really so hard understand that I feel like my Korean birth family
is just as important as my adoptive family?
(Or maybe just a tiny bite more
 just because I've hadn't had the same chance to get to know them and make memories.)

I think it's almost that time now, time for me to make a life altering decision,
a choice between Korea (my birth land) and Sweden (my native country).
It's not so much about me having to sacrifice the other for the one I choose.
I truely feel and believe I need to invest and sacrifice a little bit of time and effort,
if I'm serious about trying to get to know my birth family. 

Really get to know them I mean, what they like, dislike and hopes for...
Maybe I'm foolish or brave, but I leave that judgement for you to make.
As for the poem I published the other day I wrote it,
when I was feeling a bit frustrated at my mum. W
hich doesn't mean that I don't love her, I do.

As for Ahlenius book I havn't read it,
it sounds interesting but to me it seems to add nothing new.
Unless it's written by the author who's actually experienced something themselves,
 I'm not really willing to read it let alone buy it.
The only expection is fiction and novels.


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Family Values

Korea

Upbringing