I will not lie,I love my birth family more then life itself, it's true I truely do. But our relationship is complicated , mostly due to cultural differences caused by my adoption. And I realized that although I love them, it hurts to love them, physically painful with real tears.
Yet it's also wonderful to know that I have them, such a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that I got such a big family on the other side of the world; knowing that there are people on the other side of the world that loves me. That's commendable , yet understandable but not without confussion and pain.
And yes it's also time consuming, loving them reminds me somehow uncounsiously of what could have been, of all the things I lost.
Yes I still say lost although I'm all to aware of what I got in return, I will not apologize for any of that any longer. I deserve it, I should not have to feel guilty for things that's way beyond my control. The last thing I should have to do is to feel guilty for having been born as a girl 25 years ago. But maybe it's easy to feel this way given the history I have and the fact that the world is a patriarchy. No, I'm not bitter.
My pain is nothing in comparison too that of my parents and in relation to my younger brother's. The responsability that rests upon their shoulders, I can't imagine it or see it before me. All I know is that they are going to have to support our parents after graduated and having completed military service. Then I guess they'll have to get married as well to ensure that the family line lives on. Such a huge responsability, and in all this I wonder where I get into the picture... What do they expect of me ? Can I ever become a filial daughter or is that no longer possible ?
I am not a perfect person, everybody have flaws and I'm no better than anybody else.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Orphan Girl
Relative Deprivation
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