Becoming a parent is huge life altering thing, and becoming a parent by adoption makess it even more complicated because the child you are supposed to parent has a past, already has one set of parents.
When mum's cooworkers learned that I had gone back to Korea and that I would be staying with my birth parents they showed much concern and even asked questions like
aren't you afraid you'd be replaced now? are you still her mum?
But the great thing with my mum is that she never once was worried that I'd be replacing her and thereby closing the door on a great life filled with security, happiness and love. It's impossible to replace the woman that raised you , that loves you unconditionally and that always have supported you with a woman who you don't really know, that hasn't seen you for most of your life and that can't speak the same language.
I do of course feel privileged, honured and most of humble that life has been able to reunite me with my other family, my first family. However I do still feel a strong connection to Korea and I still haven't ruled out the possibility of living there for real in the future, as a Korean citizen.
My first meeting with my first mother was just like what you've read of and seen on TV, she cried a lot (I think it was tears of despair and happiness)she started shouting and hitting my back every time she yelled. I her long lost daughter had finally returned to her years later, not as an infant but as a young women. During that same visit one of my sisters carefully explained that our mother wanted me to sleep next to her on her arm just as a small child would be doing. I was very happy to get that request but the thought of me sleeping next to my mother like that I couldn't fulfill.
My Korean mother has now seen me twice, and I know she wants nothing else than to see me happy but sometimes I wonder if she really loves me for me not just because I happen to be child that she has given birth to. And in really weak moments I start to think that everything is a drean; I will soon wake up and then be given the sad message that family I've grown to love and care for really isn't mine because I accidentally was switched at birth...
Could be because this whole experience still feels totally surreal, maybe it always will feel this... But now I know that it's allright for me to love the woman who raised me while I still love the woman that basically has given me life. And next time I'll come to Korea will be for the Korean New Year, Lunar New Year, the Independence Day , Constitution Day, Liberation Day, War Memorial Day, National Foundation Day or Hangul Day....
If I would have the resources and possility to choose I would choose Lunar New Year 설날 no doubt, next after that would be Independence Day and although I still was in Korea during the Armed Forces Day 국군 and the Hangul Day 한글날. I would still like to revisit Korea during the Hangul Day especially, as I would like to come there for 석가탄신일 Buddha's Birthday; 현충일Memorial Day, 세헌설 Constitution Day; 개천설 National Foundation Day and 1설 the Independence Day .
The only holidays that aren't as interesting to me at the moment are; 신청New Year's Eve probably because I don't make such a big fuss about it normally. 어린이날 Children's Day just because I don't have any children of my own although the idea and thought behind it sounds pretty interesting. 기독탄신일 which would be Christmas Eve and that is only because I don't celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day but on Christmas Eve. Also I fear I only would try to spoil my sister's children even more and try to buy nice Christmas gift to my siblings and parents (that would be an offence)... Long story, maybe I've already explained if not I'll do it soon...
I think I would only plan a shorter vacation trip maybe one week or 2 at the most. The ticker at the top is only counting down to one I hopefully would be able to stay in Korea for 3 months...
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
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