Since I've been fortunate enough to find, reunite and visit my first family twice I start to realize many things about me, my mum and dad, my first family and Korea. First of all adoption messes things up for everyone involved weither they like it or not.
I'm not trying to blame anyone, it's a fact.
I feel a closer connection, eagerness or interest or whatever you want to call it towards my birth siblings (in comparison to my first parents.) Why is that ?
It's very simple and quite logical, my first parents never raised me so; both me and them lost something. My bond to my Swedish parents are stronger than the bond I have to my first parents.
But my siblings they may not feel the same because although I come with best of intentions to them I'm the younger sister, someone who they never saw or got to know naturally by being raised in the same household. I do think they are proud to have a relative living far away but to them I'm nothing but a stranger that they slowly get to know. I know I'm more eager to get to know them than what I assume that they must be simply because of two or maybe three things. We have different lives and ways of living, secondly I assume they have enough with each other. Lastly I have to accept that what I hope I'd achive one day might never become a realization. I might come close but it will probably never become what I imagined or dream of.
As for my first parents I assume they feel a stronger bond towards me than what I do feel I have for them. Both of my parents knew about me before my arrival (birth) and although I'm not a parent I guess it's only natural that parents always feel a need or desire to stay close or in contact with their children because they are their flesh and blood. (Of course there may be many cases where this might not be true I'm aware of it but I don't intend to digg any deeper into that aspect).
To me; unfortunately my birth parents do feel like strangers just like I imagine that my siblings must feel for me. That's a given fact and maybe I have to realize those things before I completely can move forward in my reunion saga and more to the point with my life.
To summerize I know I'm forunate to have found my first family and I'm ever so grateful for everything that we shared so far. Excluding all the drama, tears, misunderstandings and cultural clashes because of language barriers and different cultural values.
That's why I say that adoption messes things up, you know that tale about the boy who loved a girl who loved a boy who loved a girl it's sort of how to best describ the mess that adoption creates for the first family, the adoptee and adoptive parents.
Maybe you now can understand why I personally never would choose to adopt a child myself, and it has nothing to do with my ability love someone else's child. I know I would eventually become attached to that person. That said, I realize that there are people that are willing, able and capable to become parents through adoption. And I'm not trying to point fingers, play the blame game, accuse or name call anyone who are an adoptive parent or in the process of adopting.
It's not a question of love or making a choice between one of the two. My heart is big and I do love each of them dearly, yet I'm avare of the difference butween us and our lives. But I will always have a special place in my heart that are saved for my first family.
All I ask for if anyone is listening is that adoptive parents try to take these things into consideration and mentally prepare themselves for what might be coming their way if they decide to choose adoption.
But no adoption is the same, because you deal with people not objects and people have feelings objects don't.
© Taste of Kimchi, Elle
Related posts:
Without Them
It Makes Sense
Birth Families & Reunion
Need Nobody
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