Deepest Desire

I have a deep deep desire
I want to be treated as a human being
Like a person and a woman next
Not a sexual object
It's just that I've experienced things...
My mind is still set in escape mood

But honestly speaking
I do want
To be loved and respected
For the person that I am
Don't love me
If you only love my race
Please I beg you

I'd rather go through life alone
Even if it would be rather lonely indeed
But to keep myself from heart break
That's what I'm willing to do

First impressions can decieve
There is so much more
To me than what you see
Or what you think you see

It's nothing but a personal protection
Honestly I'm really rather kind and sweet
That is once I allow myself to show
A more sincere and vulnerable side
There's a reason why I hide it

현실을 탈출

Sometimes life feels rough like there's no end to your pain...
Those days I'd like to curl up in my bed or to run away and hide
But hiding from your problems is only the act of coward.
On those occasions I do indeed have a special place that I allow my mind to travel to
It's place feel of vibrant life , scents and a city who never sleeps
Once in a while I imagine what my life would look like if I lived there...
What my future would hold if I went there...
As of right now though I can only drem
But dreams can come true

Every Cloud Got A Silver Lining

I expect people to treat me with respect even if they don't accept me completely, they by all means don't have to love me. Love is messy, love is pain, love is betrayal, love is heart break. Love's a lie.

Whatever you do, I say this out of the goodness of my heart - don't judge me or try to tell me how to live my life. Please don't act like you're concerned about me when we all know you're nothing of that sort, so please don't fake it. I don't need your good advice not even if you say you care, frankly I don't buy that anymore.

I know I'm far from perfect, I got my flaws everyone do, nobody's perfect not even me.

If you have no knowledge of my life then please don't try to act as if you know or like you care. Because that's nothing but an act. My problems, challenges or issues in life are not more important than anyone else but they're important to me. Don't tell me that it's not true, that it's a lie when it might be exactly how I feel, my feelings are real and nobody else than me can possibly know how I feel.

The biggest betrayal of my life that really shock my world, was when I was relinquished for adoption I don't lie - that part has shaped my world, created my perception of the world and made me the person that I am. I do have severe trust issues, suffer from low self eestem and have a weird loyality towards my birth family. I say weird because it's unlogical, makes no sense yet is the most natural thing ever.

It sums up my world. I'm adopted so that's my struggles in this life, I hope to overcome them but I realize I cannot heal from it because frankly speaking adoption is for life.

I know that mum and dad got my back yet my heart yearns to her my omma's voice, to glance at appa one last time. To hug my unnis and to laugh with namdongsaeng. I'm very proud of my brother , who have seen the good, the bad and the ugly sides of me. If he needed my help I wouldn't hesitate a second. Ultimately my heart feels like it's been split in two, because I love my mum and dad the parents who raised me just as much as I love the once who did abandon me.

Soul Contracts

I know one of my life lessons in this life, is to experience and learn from the separation and loss that adoption ultimately creates.

Yet it also seems I must have been conplaisaint in an earlier life as it seems I constantly have to defend myself in certain situations where I know that I've been wronged, (or maybe I was extremely cruel in a past life... ) Maybe I've learned this from being adopted but I highly doubt that , I think it's what my mum and dad taught me - the difference between right and wrong- stand up for yourself . I can't tell you how many times I've had to do that and I do have stories to tell that would be very interesting for the media to write about. So far I have yet to contact them. I'm used to being little David against Goliat.

My dream, My life

I know it's incomprehensible like so many aspects of my life lately, the years following my 20th birthday.
Nobody understands why I even would consider attempting what my heart desires , there are even to be frank people who have tried to talk me out of it, tried to make change my mind, get reasonable.

Why would you even think about going back when your own parents deserted you once..? 

Would you rather have been raised in an orphanage instead of what you have now?

Isn't your mum and dad gong to be sad, do they allow you living...? 

My life is my alone and I should be able to determine, decide and choose how I best want to live my life. I don't require, demands or wants anyone to try to understand... I know for a fact that the chance of my soul finding inner peace; here in a country that I never asked to be brought to in the first place, is not a place where I will find happiness or where I'd like to spend the last days of my life. I have bigger aspirations, goals and dreams in life.

Since my reunion with my birth family is at a standstill, my dream makes little sense to anyone outside the adoptee world. I know I have attempted this once before but back then I didn't give it an earnest attempt. This time I intend to plan it better, study harder, save more money, look into different options as well as oppertunities.

I have a saying that I want to live my life without regrets - it's far better to regret something you did than to regret something you never dared to do or something that you never did. I also strongly believe this saying is true;

Don't dream your dream, live your dream. 

That's what I intend to do, is it really that wrong for me to want try to realize my dream when I know what my heart desires? I know what will make me happy- it has very little do with money and doesn't involve another person. I don't think I'm unreasonable for wanting what I want. I'm still young and unattached, there's nobody who would miss me if I left. Honestly speaking most of my friends doesn't even reside in the same continent as I am now, I met several of my closest friends abroad in the same country that my heart is yearning for.

These people , some of whom I have never met understands me far better and offers more support than my supposed friends have.

I've made up my mind friends, it's settled my faith has been sealed.

There's a Korean saying that a fox returns to die to the same place where it once was born. 

Letter From the Heart

사랑하는 엄마와 아빠는 내가 당신을 용서 . 

 내가 나를 사랑하지 당신을 용서.

To my mum and dad :

Dear mum and dad I forgive you for not allowing me to showcase my difficult emotions 

at times when I felt angry or sad during my childhood. 

I forgive you mum for not having spent enough time

 with me when I was a child. Mum, I forgive you for not having listened to me

 and taken me seriously when I was a young girl. 

Dear dad I forgive you for the fact 

that I didn't feel noticed while I grew up. I forgive you for not showing me 

and teaching me that it's alright to be angry or very sad.

Dan aka Dan

Kickstarter Project

Maybe there is hope for a person like me afterall, I don't want to be afriad no more and miss out of what life  has in store for me. Living is wonderful and love is the key everything but you must love yourself first from within. I don't want to miss any more chances than what I already have.

I am proud to be an adoptee (at last) although I am more Swedish then most people might think. So I warn you , people. I am mixture of Korea hot spices, tenacity and Swedish lagom. I love my adoptive family and my younger brother, but I don't like international adoption as a concept. I know I always will carry few but fond memories of my reunion and first family.

But now I am entering a new phase in life, it's scary and exciting. ---sorry for staying away from this blog for to long. As an apology I will offer you a video of the Kickstarter project of Land of Gazillion Adoptees.

당신을 사랑합니다

100 Reasons why I love my Omma...
She is relly really strong, having given birth 8 times (that I know off)... and endured a lot in her life besides my birth/stillbirth which really was relinguishment for international adoption...

 내가 엄마를 사랑하는 이

1. because I'm your daughter.
2. because you gave birth to me.
3. because you spent many years grieving for me.
4. you never forgot the day you gave birth to me.
5. you treasured me in your heart.
6. once you knew I was alive and well you wanted to se me.
7. the way you never let me go.
8. the way you held my hand.
9. the fact that you requested to sleep next to me...
10. the way you cried and apologized to me (in Korean).
11. you accepted a gift I made when I was 8 years old.
12. you clearly wear the pants in the family.
13. you are the person that I strive to be one day.
14. you want me to do well in life.
15. you feed me food like a child as a token of love.
16. I loved eating the food you cooked.
17. I know I'm you daughter since I inherited your appearence and body phrame.
18.  hearing your voice and listen to you talk. 
19.  liked the way you showed concern and showed me that you cared about me.
20. the way you raised my siblings and created your own family.
21. the unconditional love you have for me 
22. your big , warm and caring heart
23. your nurturing side
24. the love you show your grandchildren
25. your open mind, they way you offer friendship and respect
26. you never complain.
27. you take care of your family.
28. your strict and harsher side.
29. your family always comes first for you.
30. I know that you must love your husband.
31. your family listens to your words and advice.
32. you are the matriarch in your family.
33. how you feel the need to protect and console in hard times.
34. the love I see in your eyes.
35. the love I heard in your voice and what actions show.
36. how you brag about your children including me.
37. you want me and my siblings to be happy.
38. you spoil your grandchildren like a grandmother should.
39. you never reminiscence about the past.
40. you live for your children.
41. I know you missed me after having me.
42. you want to come to visit me.
43. you don't like my cat.
44. you were concerned about my scars.
45. you wanted to take me the hospital once.
46. you worried for me maybe you still do.
47. I want to get your blessing before I settle down.
48. I want to introduce my future mate to you.
49. you have experienced and overcome poverty many times.
50. I want to grow up to be like you and have your strenght. 
51. The culture of which I am product fascinates me.
52. I can't understand you, all I am left with is love.
53. I love the athmosphere there, all the spices and its scents.
54. The hurried pace in the city area.
55. I pefer the Korean courtesy over the ignorant European I-don't-care approach.
56. I love Korean cooking and especially Omma's cooking.
57. I love Hangul and the Korean language.
58. I love contrasts between the city area, suburbs and the country.
59. I love Korean dramas.
60. I always remember a sporting event when Korea is included, it means I can be patriotic and feels like I am close to you.
61. I am proud to be your daughter and sister even if you're more ashamed of me.
62. I love the Korean fashion sense, it makes me feel closer to you.
63. I always read news from Korea, because it makes me remember you.
64. I love...
65. It...
66. I love...
67. That...
68. One day...
69. Let's ....
70. I promse to...
71. Never ever
72. Always
73. Don't 
74. Forgive
75. Forget
76. Some day
77. Sooner
78. Once
79. I wish to
80. I'd rather
81. I
82. I
83. I
84. I
85. I
86. I
87. I
88. I
89. Maybe
90. Perhaps
91. Possibly 
92. It
93. Whenever
94. K-pop
95. soccer
96. The UN
97. The president 
98. Korean feminism
99. wish I could get married in Korea one day or at least invite you.
100. I want to honor my Korean hertiage and give my future children a Korean name.

Birthmothers

What defines a mother let alone a parent ..? Is it the invested time and love or is it DNA and biology?
Sometimes I consider myself to have no parents at all since my birthparents relinquished me hours after being born. And the woman that I call mum is nothing more than a stranger to me, meaning that she is not related by blood.

Yet she raised me, knows my flaws and obsticles in life while the person I would like to be able to call Omma without getting raised eyebrows and feelings of worry is something that I cannot do. Because that woman , the other woman who gave birth to me she is not supposed to be called Omma at least not by me...

My Omma is to me now only the person who brought into the world, I used to call her my birthmother but while the term itself sounds rather clinical. I cannot even use the label mother even though I love her as a mother.


Read Lori Jane's post and conclussion on birthmothers here .