Blurred Lines

I don't know who I am , I no longer fit into the mold. I can't handle my mum and dad's expections any longer because I no longer agree with them. I feel like I'm closer to my birth family, somehow yet not quite or in the sense I'd like the most. But I still like really really spicy food and especially Omma's or Onni's cooking. I also prefer to listen to K-pop and dress like a Korean woman.

I also believe in human rights and that women should be able to get the same healthcare regardless of nationality or poverty. They should also have access to education and be able to choose for themselve when and whom to marry.

I love my Abeoji and Omma, is that not alright?
아버지와 어머니를 사랑. 괜찮아요.

And I'm also proud to be Korean, proud of who I am and where I come from. Is that not ok?

한국을 사랑합니다. 괜찮아요.

I also love my older sisters, where is it not allowed?

나의 자매를 사랑합니다.괜찮아요.

Of course I love my younger brother too, when is it not accepted ?

내 동생을 사랑합니다.괜찮아요

The In-Between

Being in reunion with your birth family is something that I always dreamed of, longed for, desired and hoped for. Now when I finally are - sort of, I am ever so frustrated. Why you may ask ? I am frustrated because of how society looks upon people like myself, yes I am an adult adoptee - I didn't emigrate on my own, it wasn't my decision - to be separated from my birth parents or to be forced to live with strangers for the rest of my life. I never wanted to learn another language, to be raised in another culture.

Now that I am, I feel like my dear mum and dad are so afraid and scared to death of losing me, losing me to my original family the one that should have raised me. But I also know they love me yet I sometimes get so extremely irritated and annoyed at them... Society doesn't welcome or encourage people like me - I know that. Well, they do but only to a certain point.

Wanting to relocate, moving back, changing your citizenship all of those things are throwned upon.
I now don't know where I fit in, I don't feel Swedish yet I know I am, I find it hard to relate to my birth parents and siblings even though I just want to whisper that I love them. Because I think like this, I feel like I'm almost not welcome any longer in my own native country - to be frank it's the only culture and country that I know. It's almost like they don't want to recognize me or acknowledge me any longer.

All because of a very logical wish to reconnect and find my birth family.

Onni's Daughter

Transnational adoptions from many countries have declined over the past years while others just begun, one of those countries would be South Korea. Instead of continuing to send orphans abroad they have seriously tried to promote domestic adoptions insted. We can already see the consequences of such efforts, and I do think it's a positive step for them and I'm happy for them.

Yet society still doesn't welcome adoptees in Korean families because of the importance of blood ties and future of family surnames, since women marry into their husbands family but still keep their maiden names. One my sisters recently got married to a very nice, respectable man and she seemed to be so loving and caring. I so wish so could would be able to experience motherhood and raising children of her own. I know she would be the perfect mother, because I have felt her love and warm and tender heart. That might not be possible though unless she and her husband doesn't choose adoption...

 But then again she may just as well be as content with being an Onni to all of her nieces and nephews. I wonder what her husband feels about the possibility of a barren wife and no likelihood of future offsprings and children - that is if they don't decide to become domestic adoptive parents. She may as well be content with that just being a cool hip aunt but it honestly breaks my heart to know that it's possible my beloved sister possibly never will be able to know the unconditional love a child offers it's parents, how a daughter adores her father and wants to be like her mother and how a son idolizes his mother. That could be the burden that my sweet innocent sister might have to carry for life. It's the burden on her shoulders perhaps, but it could just as well be a possibility for a new and daring future.

Maybe Omma and Appa only wished for their remining children to be happy, and experience love and build a family. It is possible that they prioritized my siblings happiness and was less concerned with blood ties... The loss of me, could mean that they now try hard to make up for things they lost with me. Both Omma and Appa are crazy for their grandchildren and spoils them rotten whenver they get the chance...

Since my birth family already have a foreigner in the family as well as half Korean children, I can't be certain of how they feel about adoption. They don't seem like most Koreans which is why I can't say for sure that they never would consider it. They might for all I know, yet they have experienced the loss and separation from adoption which honestly could be in favour of domestic adoption just as well as it could mean that never would consider it...

Going Back To School

돌아 가지대학.

Did you think I completely forgot my unfinished studies ? Trust me, I havn't. Fact is I'm trying to go back to school and try to finish what I started.

I had one sub course left before I could request a college degree and then I had another semester on top of that left. After that there were only one more semester left before I would get my Bachelor degree in Social Sciences.

However I am going to not move ahead of plans this time, taking it one step at a time. I basically already have a Bachelor thesis written, with minor adjustments. The plan was to move back home and study Korean language for a year. I'm not going to try another time with my Korean just yet , I'll try to finish my Social Sciences first and then I'll reconsider Korean language studies or possibly look into other options.

Hwaiting ^.^ kkkk