Soul Contracts

I know one of my life lessons in this life, is to experience and learn from the separation and loss that adoption ultimately creates.

Yet it also seems I must have been conplaisaint in an earlier life as it seems I constantly have to defend myself in certain situations where I know that I've been wronged, (or maybe I was extremely cruel in a past life... ) Maybe I've learned this from being adopted but I highly doubt that , I think it's what my mum and dad taught me - the difference between right and wrong- stand up for yourself . I can't tell you how many times I've had to do that and I do have stories to tell that would be very interesting for the media to write about. So far I have yet to contact them. I'm used to being little David against Goliat.

My dream, My life

I know it's incomprehensible like so many aspects of my life lately, the years following my 20th birthday.
Nobody understands why I even would consider attempting what my heart desires , there are even to be frank people who have tried to talk me out of it, tried to make change my mind, get reasonable.

Why would you even think about going back when your own parents deserted you once..? 

Would you rather have been raised in an orphanage instead of what you have now?

Isn't your mum and dad gong to be sad, do they allow you living...? 

My life is my alone and I should be able to determine, decide and choose how I best want to live my life. I don't require, demands or wants anyone to try to understand... I know for a fact that the chance of my soul finding inner peace; here in a country that I never asked to be brought to in the first place, is not a place where I will find happiness or where I'd like to spend the last days of my life. I have bigger aspirations, goals and dreams in life.

Since my reunion with my birth family is at a standstill, my dream makes little sense to anyone outside the adoptee world. I know I have attempted this once before but back then I didn't give it an earnest attempt. This time I intend to plan it better, study harder, save more money, look into different options as well as oppertunities.

I have a saying that I want to live my life without regrets - it's far better to regret something you did than to regret something you never dared to do or something that you never did. I also strongly believe this saying is true;

Don't dream your dream, live your dream. 

That's what I intend to do, is it really that wrong for me to want try to realize my dream when I know what my heart desires? I know what will make me happy- it has very little do with money and doesn't involve another person. I don't think I'm unreasonable for wanting what I want. I'm still young and unattached, there's nobody who would miss me if I left. Honestly speaking most of my friends doesn't even reside in the same continent as I am now, I met several of my closest friends abroad in the same country that my heart is yearning for.

These people , some of whom I have never met understands me far better and offers more support than my supposed friends have.

I've made up my mind friends, it's settled my faith has been sealed.

There's a Korean saying that a fox returns to die to the same place where it once was born. 

Letter From the Heart

사랑하는 엄마와 아빠는 내가 당신을 용서 . 

 내가 나를 사랑하지 당신을 용서.

To my mum and dad :

Dear mum and dad I forgive you for not allowing me to showcase my difficult emotions 

at times when I felt angry or sad during my childhood. 

I forgive you mum for not having spent enough time

 with me when I was a child. Mum, I forgive you for not having listened to me

 and taken me seriously when I was a young girl. 

Dear dad I forgive you for the fact 

that I didn't feel noticed while I grew up. I forgive you for not showing me 

and teaching me that it's alright to be angry or very sad.